tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47851022848105345942024-03-13T12:45:14.664+00:00Thoughtless GibberishA weekly guide into the mind of a man with too much time on his handsPetehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.comBlogger348125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-7321288697422792612016-07-03T20:12:00.000+01:002016-07-03T20:12:22.422+01:00Goodbyeeeeeee<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Its been one hell of ride.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It really has.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have had a lot of fun writing this blog over the years, since 2010 no less.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's safe to say we have had an adventure or two. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">(348 to be exact.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Remember that time we travelled <a href="http://bumferry.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/how-to-travel-faster-than-speed-of.html" target="_blank">faster than the speed of light</a>?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or that time we learnt that bananas have not evolved for over <a href="http://bumferry.blogspot.co.uk/2011/07/great-banana-epiphany.html" target="_blank">7000 years and are still trying to kill us</a>?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh, what about when we answered that age old question about<a href="http://bumferry.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/answer-to-qustion-nobody-asked-pt2.html" target="_blank"> trees falling over in the woods? </a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There have been many posts I have written that I really enjoyed writing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have done my best to save the world from itself, but I fear my efforts have not been enough.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have had a great time doing this, but just like a roll of toilet paper, everything must end.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Every story has a final chapter.... and this is it for me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">THOUGHTLESS GIBBERISH is coming to an end.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am making a number a changes to my on line existence.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's something I have been meaning to do a for while and now seems as good a time as any and part of that change is the end of this little blog of mine.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have deactivated my Facebook account, will change my G+ profile this week and other alterations will be made in the coming week as I consolidate my life into a more manageable hobby.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: helvetica neue, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Real life is changing for me and part of that change means I have to re-invent myself so the Bumf will be locked away in a small dark room, never to see the light of day with nothing but a dead rat on the end of a bit of string for company.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But fear not, for I will not be disappearing completely.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Like a Phoenix from the ashes I will return to blogging very shortly with something new.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I will probably use some of the guff I have written previously to fill out the pages of my new adventure.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I will admit I am sad that more people didn't read this blog of mine, but that is mainly down to me not writing often enough, or writing better things, or promoting myself properly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That being said, I would to thank everyone who has ever taken the time to read this blog and a special heartfelt thank you to those who made the effort to comment.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A very special thank you goes to the following people who kept me going even though they didn't know it. (<i>mainly because they are much better than I am at this malarkey</i>):</span><br />
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<a href="http://robztobor.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rob Z Tobor.</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<a href="https://mixedupmoose.wordpress.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Miss Lily (and spawn)</span></a><br />
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<a href="http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.co.uk/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That damned pigeon</span></a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well, that's it from me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Take care of each other, be nice and don't forget to <i>spiel chick</i>.</span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Farewell one and all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bumf. (2010-2016)</span><br />
<br />Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-10242026849427315352016-06-25T17:52:00.000+01:002016-06-25T17:52:24.580+01:00Thought For The Day.<div style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; line-height: 19.32px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">When Tim Peake went into space (15th Dec) He missed the deaths of </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Lemmy,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Terry Wogan, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Prince, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ronnie Corbett, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bowie, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Burt Kwok, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Victoria Wood, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">David Guest, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Howard Marks, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Garry Shandling, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Paul Daniels, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Glen Frey, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Dan Haggerty, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">and Alan Rickman as well as many more that I can't remember.....</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br />Then, just as he gets his Earth legs back, the UK leave the EU.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">That poor bugger must think he's come back to a parallel Universe.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Don't anyone tell him that Wales, Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland and England are all through to the knock out stages of the football.... his have a fit!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Poor Tim.</span></div>
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Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-1632991076292932312016-06-13T21:36:00.003+01:002016-06-13T21:36:45.482+01:00Panini Sticker Album And The Art Of Zen<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Every man needs a hobby.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">A hobby needs to cover a number of aspects.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">These include:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">An activity that holds no purpose other than being completed.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Requirements of skill and patience.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Allow the hobbiest to concentrate and enter their own little world away from the madness that surrounds them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It must also infuriate the hobbiests partner.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My recent hobby of choice is completing a Panini sticker album of the Euro 2016 football competition.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Each night I sit on my chair with my album on my lap and will quite happily spend an hour or so carefully opening packets of stickers before putting them in numerical order.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Then, using my specially filed nails, peel off the backs and gently place the stickers against the corresponding empty space.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The act of separating the sticker from it back is as close to Zen as any person can achieve without years of Buddhist meditation.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The same can be said of attaching the sticker into it designated slot with perfection.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anybody who has ever pressed a sticker into place and found no bubbles, creases or overlap will always, internally, congratulate themselves on a job well done.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's a skill that can not be taught.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Once an album is well under way the magic continues.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Normally having more than one of a thing when you don't require it can become a burden. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Not so with stickers.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Part of the fun is having SWAPSIES.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Getting together with friends to exchange unwanted stickers can be a joyous experience with the sounds of "Got...Got...Got...NEED!" mumbled across the world from school kids to fully grown adults.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's a pass time that transcends generations.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Then comes the day.... after weeks of hard work and effort. Beyond spending far too much money for no financial return.... comes the day your album is complete.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">An Achievement of this kind is hard fought and every man, woman and child that manages to fill their whole sticker album enters into a secret league of champions that very few will ever know.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This bewilders Mrs H as well as Mrs Ste (who I am informed things this is all a waste of money).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Every now and then I look up and see the wife frowning at me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">She never says anything but I know she disapproves.... and this makes me want to do it more.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am doing rather well with my album (better that my mate Ste anyway) and have realised something about footballers I would like to share with you today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is a disturbing fact that just how many footballers look like serial killers, murderers and the type of face you expect to see on an episode of crime watch.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Seriously. Look at these choice mugs and their potential crimes.</span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ccqdyiuMKfg/V18W_uHEjoI/AAAAAAAAYno/T72YcyAcOmchLCKMPXFcg7IibXHuyKmiACLcB/s1600/IMG_20160613_202205.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ccqdyiuMKfg/V18W_uHEjoI/AAAAAAAAYno/T72YcyAcOmchLCKMPXFcg7IibXHuyKmiACLcB/s320/IMG_20160613_202205.jpg" width="237" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Urinating in public bins</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Stealing lead off church roofs and trying to eat it <br /></span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Oa0jS9n_Hxs/V18SmZVr8yI/AAAAAAAAYlg/EiYqe79S-p4XewG0RVznqYXkHlogiqLXwCLcB/s1600/IMG_20160613_201500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Oa0jS9n_Hxs/V18SmZVr8yI/AAAAAAAAYlg/EiYqe79S-p4XewG0RVznqYXkHlogiqLXwCLcB/s320/IMG_20160613_201500.jpg" width="237" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Punching a penguin</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">theft of post office pens</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qBWDSGea0Lo/V18ToO2EXmI/AAAAAAAAYl4/9xsSqYbLXmwiBNvKjrMQyPlj07jjW2lfgCLcB/s1600/IMG_20160613_201555.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qBWDSGea0Lo/V18ToO2EXmI/AAAAAAAAYl4/9xsSqYbLXmwiBNvKjrMQyPlj07jjW2lfgCLcB/s320/IMG_20160613_201555.jpg" width="237" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">refusing to blink</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-L7v4Re2zR5U/V18TpFrBBwI/AAAAAAAAYmA/VOoAxiZ56wYPYYyljyKogrJt9lua0jBywCLcB/s1600/IMG_20160613_201604.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-L7v4Re2zR5U/V18TpFrBBwI/AAAAAAAAYmA/VOoAxiZ56wYPYYyljyKogrJt9lua0jBywCLcB/s320/IMG_20160613_201604.jpg" width="237" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">chasing pigeons</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LKhwuVJ-J5Q/V18UYHdvgcI/AAAAAAAAYmM/FWsswKylln8AH-Hz8h3aRuX57l59rCnNgCLcB/s1600/IMG_20160613_201633.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LKhwuVJ-J5Q/V18UYHdvgcI/AAAAAAAAYmM/FWsswKylln8AH-Hz8h3aRuX57l59rCnNgCLcB/s320/IMG_20160613_201633.jpg" width="237" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Being out of focus</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pmelcKvaa_Q/V18UsDSvzdI/AAAAAAAAYmY/2zj02Loap5oLq4spJRS4iJfTEFhXZ42kACLcB/s1600/IMG_20160613_201817.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pmelcKvaa_Q/V18UsDSvzdI/AAAAAAAAYmY/2zj02Loap5oLq4spJRS4iJfTEFhXZ42kACLcB/s320/IMG_20160613_201817.jpg" width="237" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Damaging the cameras on Springwatch with a filthy cloth</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hTpnHwyMjc8/V18UuPn9tCI/AAAAAAAAYmg/wqVzikW9KHUVpYftfjgCiuq7PJIW2fhawCLcB/s320/IMG_20160613_201827.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="237" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">sawing a woman in half and not even <br />pretending to be a magician</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3Dfzf3QzJo0/V18WeJKDvzI/AAAAAAAAYnM/OuK8o9NEqJoEIRZiuJo3wokgx5I3ixAQgCLcB/s1600/IMG_20160613_201957.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3Dfzf3QzJo0/V18WeJKDvzI/AAAAAAAAYnM/OuK8o9NEqJoEIRZiuJo3wokgx5I3ixAQgCLcB/s320/IMG_20160613_201957.jpg" width="237" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">impersonating a young Jeff Goldblum</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jg68CHr_hpE/V18WsJYyY0I/AAAAAAAAYnU/cv95405RYgs2zWqGJ0cH3EBGw-X0sTAXwCLcB/s1600/IMG_20160613_202019.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="473" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jg68CHr_hpE/V18WsJYyY0I/AAAAAAAAYnU/cv95405RYgs2zWqGJ0cH3EBGw-X0sTAXwCLcB/s640/IMG_20160613_202019.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Accepting work as an evil overlords henchmen</span></td></tr>
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<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">So if you do ever meet a footballer on the street - hide behind your Panini sticker album and call a policeman.</span></b><br />
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<br />Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-83202770820087109892016-06-04T14:27:00.000+01:002016-06-04T14:27:00.161+01:00The QWERTY keyboard guide to weather<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>The weather is nice and sunny, although I had not thought of this when I wrote the poem bellow.</i><br />
<i>This is just typical of the British weather.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Enjoy the sunshine folks.</i><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Quietly weeping, everyone releases their yellow umbrellas. It's only perspiring.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Another shower dribbles. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Flowing. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">....Great...</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hear John Kettley laugh.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Zone "X" condensation vaporizes. Barometers now..... melting.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">-John Kettley is a weather man-</span></b><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/MD3eo63spaA/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/MD3eo63spaA?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<br />Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-6795285810826392152016-05-28T12:28:00.000+01:002016-05-28T12:28:04.687+01:00Beneath The Sheets: Erotic Fiction<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>In a vain and shameless bid to attract more viewers to this blog I have decided to write some erotic fiction.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Here goes.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"<i>I don't think I can do this.</i>" Said Harry with nervousness tightening his throat. </span>"<i>I just don't think it's my kind of thing..</i>" He gulped.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Valerie gave him a cold stern look, in that way that she always did.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Stood on the other side of the bed, her hands on her hips, Val gave Harry a raised eyebrow and said "<i>Of course you can.</i>"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"<i>You agreed to do this Harry. At least give it a try</i>."</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Harrys shoulders sagged and he nodded in agreement.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>It'll all end in tears.</i>" He moaned.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>Just follow my lead...</i>" said Val as she bent over the bed. "<i>...And do as your told!</i>"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Harry could never be described as an alpha male and today was not a day to start new trends. But he wanted to please his wife of 27 years and always thought he was open to new experiences.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Mere minutes past before Harry found himself quickly getting out of breath.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>I'm getting cramp!</i>" He yelped.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>Don't be silly</i>" growled Val who was already getting fed up of her husbands clumsy - so called - technique.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>Shall I grab hold of this..</i>" He offered helpfully</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>Finger tips Harry - FINGERS TIPS!</i>" Snapped Val.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">This was not going well at all.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>Be gentle with that!</i>" She barked.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Harry lost his grip and fumbled underneath the duvet.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">His muffled apologies could be heard far below in the darkness, but Val simply shook her head at her husbands miserable efforts.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>Honestly, Harry. It's not that difficult y'know.</i>"</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Elbows shuffled and cheeks turned red as they both writhed about on the bed.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>I think my legs are going to give way</i>" Shrieked Harry.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>For goodness sake man!</i>" Val sighed.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>Just grab hold of the teats and give them a good pull.</i>" She ordered.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Harry's eyes nearly popped out of his head , but he did as we was told gave it his all.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>Now give it a quick wipe down with your hands.</i>" Said Val as she leaned back.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">"<i>I have to do this on my own, normally y'know!</i>"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Harry flopped down on the bed face down. Sweat dripping from face and stung his eyes.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>That wasn't so bad was it?</i>" Val asked.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>No dear.</i>" He replied through gasping breaths.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">"<i>I never knew changing the bed sheets could so exhausting.</i>"</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And with the house hold chores done, Val and Harry went down stairs and had a well deserved cup of tea and custard cream.</span></span>Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-42650650290012286682016-05-22T21:03:00.001+01:002016-05-22T21:32:48.802+01:00Henry Hut: The Hidden Truth Behind The BBC<br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>Henry Hut - TRUTH WIZARD-</b></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> here with another of my amazing exposes.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This Time it's the BBC who are being scrutinised under the microscope of justice!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you are lucky enough to have access to High Definition TV you will be aware of the fantstic clarity of picture available to you on dozens of channels.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">One of those channels is BBC One HD, which is almost the exact same as BBC One but one very subtle difference.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Local news is not currently produced in HD quality and so during those times of day when a generic local radio has-bean and an up and coming perky fresh faced presenter try to show empathy and concern for the minature disasters, murders and post office robberies that occur in your area, anybody who tries to view in the glory that is HD is met with the video below.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you have seen this Ident before, the chances are you changed channel or got up and made a brew.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I, however, am a lazy pig and usually can not be bothered to change the channel and will sit through a full 15 minutes of a spinning red circle (<i>a bit like netflix when the wifi is on it's arse</i>).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It was one dark and lonely evening whilst waiting for an episode of shouty television, (<i>otherwise known as Question Time</i>) that I witnessed something horrific.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The BBC do not allow you rewind or record this segment of their output and so in order to prove my theories, I had to wait until the next time it popped up on my screen.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A few days passed before I was able to see this video again and I grabbed my phone and began to record.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">At the 3 minute 52 second mark I heard it..... Whilst a bunch of penguins skate around an ice rink a small child can be clearly heard to swear.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This happens again when the clock on screen says 32 seconds..</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Watch:</span><br />
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Here it is again....</div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's true.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The words "F*cking Bugger" can be clearly heard twice in an official video produced and sanctioned by the BBC.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This video is broadcast at least three times a day, seven days a week and has been on our screens since 2008.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The BBC allows this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They MUST already know it happens and are laughing at you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Subliminal messaging has been used throughout the history of TV with varying degrees of success, but this..... THIS OUTRAGE is nothing short of the BBC sticking up two fingers to the British public.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Queen watches shows on the BBC and I bet she has an HD TV, so she may have seen it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The BBC hates the Queen and that is treason.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This video is shown daily on the BBC and I urge you all to try and see it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm not here to tell you what to do with this information.. I'm no revolutionary. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am just just a deliverer of truth.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I've been Henry Hut.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You have been Facted!</span><br />
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<i>I have recorded this video directly from my own TV.</i><br />
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<i>It has only been edited to reduce the time it plays.</i><br />
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<i>Nothing has been added visually or in audio either.</i><br />
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<i>If you have access to BBC One HD you can view this video at any time that a program is not shown in HD.</i>Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-55138949012764199772016-05-07T20:33:00.000+01:002016-05-07T20:33:27.532+01:00Annoyance Of The Week<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They are at again...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">People are going on strike.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Since the start of this blog I have warned about the NHS going strike, Teachers, bloody petrol delivery drivers having a day off because they want to.....and now.....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">NOW...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Children are on strike.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Kids!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It seems that a group of militant left wing tree hugging, horoscope reading, hug-a-hoodie championing breeders who have named their offspring things like Champagne and Liberace, have taken upon themselves to get their children out of education (<i>which as far as I know is a crime</i>) so that they can have a walk in the woods instead of "suffering PTSD" from doing bit of maths and English.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As far as I understand it, there has been a test for small children which required them to do some sums and answer some questions about verbs and whatnot.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Some of the questions were seen as being too difficult.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can appreciate parents being a bit miffed about this. But they are blaming the government when they should be blaming the teachers.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm not going to claim that I know what subjunctive adverb is... and I don't really care.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I was never taught that kind of stuff at school.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have never knowingly failed at anything due to my lack of understanding of relfexive pronouns or Qualitative adjective (<i>yes I had to look those up</i>). But that is not the point.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The point is that teachers are being asked to teach this kind of stuff and are failing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">AGAIN.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is failing the right word... or should that be refusing?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It really falls into two catagories.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">1) The tests ARE too hard, but when teacher have been preparing their class to take these tests, they have been unable or unwilling to do the graft required in order to achieve the required standards of knowledge the children need to cometently fulfil the task in hand.... ie- teach the little gits what an adverb is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2) The tests ARE too hard, but instead of informing parent that these tests are actually a test of teachers ability to pass on knowledge and not a pass/fail for children, the teachers have sacrificed the potential for kids to learn things in lieu of having ANOTHER DAY OFF JUST AFTER A BANK HOLIDAY.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It has been noted before on this blog that strikes always occur in and around bank holidays or when the weather is nice.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This is no coincidence. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I do have some sympathy for teachers and doctors and truck drivers and miners... but only so much.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unions are fast as lightening to call a strike and make a big song and dance about fighting the powers that be and how nobody knows their struggles etc, but we all have difficult stuff to be getting on with.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I had to scrape human waste from a toilet today. It won't be the first time and it wont be the last, but that is part of my job and I crack on with it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have not had a pay rise in over 5 years.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I earn such a small amount for the work that I am not eligible pay National Insurance.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I doubt that if I knew the difference between a non-gradable adjective and a comparative adjective (<i>still non the wiser for looking it up</i>) I would have a less messy job and more money... as it is - I chose this work and I enjoy my life for what it is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Allowing children to go on strike is exactly the same as saying "Don't bother doing anything you don't want to do because trying hard is not worth it. Just go off in a strop and eventually you will get your own way."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm glad I don't have kids because they would get bullied to high Heaven for being forced to go into school every day and learn stuff.</span><br />
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<br />Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-44497402132402467352016-05-01T19:02:00.000+01:002016-05-01T19:02:13.846+01:00Cpt America: Civil War. A 6 out of 10 review<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Followers of this blog will know that every time I watch a film I have to give a score of 6 out of 10.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The reason for this is that any film maker that sees a review of their film that is higher (or indeed lower) will either not bother making any more films as they think they are not good enough or they will think that they have reached the pinnacle of their carer and not bother to make any more brilliant films.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This can make it a tad difficult to rate a bad film good or and good film ... not as good as it actually was.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">With that in mind here is my SPOILER FREE review of Captain America: Civil War.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Not long after I began to collect comics a major event happened in the Marvel Universe.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It was called CIVIL WAR and revolved around an accident by some lesser heroes that got everyone in trouble and required all heroes to register their real identities in order to be accountable for the damage they caused during their many many fight with baddies and the like.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The resulting story line saw heroes pitted against each other as some fought to keep their names a secret to protect loved ones whilst others believed that doing what you want when you want without any supervision was fool hardy and not in the interest of the greater good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Heores died. Giant man being one and even Captain America himself did not make it out alive.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The film which shares it's name is different in many respects.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">There is still the requirement for superheroes to step up and be accountable for their actions and subdued to only act when advised. This, along with <strike>[redacted for spoilers] </strike> causes Cap and some others to take a stand and fight against former friends and colleagues including Ironman.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The film plays to this stand off extremely well and brings in some characters from other films to highlight that the many films we have been spoilt with so far are all connected.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">There are moments of real tension, humour is subtle but works in nearly all cases and the fight scenes are mainly fantastic.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This film is going to be a huge success and for all the right reasons.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It has form - Previous films building up to this are of a high standard and flow into this latest outing perfectly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It stays true to the Marvel way - Film goers know these characters well and there is very little or no need to hold the audiences hand and explain every little detail.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">There are moments of real tension that come from nowhere and made me gasp out loud.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is far superior to the mess that was Batman v Superman.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It does however fail in one or two small areas.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's a little nag of mine but I have never been happy with the way that the special effects for Ironman are done when Tony Stark take off his helmet.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's a bit messy and obvious to a nerd like me that it's all "computery" and CGI... I can live with it, but it is an oversight that could be done better.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">There are also one or two lose ends that are not really dealt with by the end of the film, but I am willing to admit that my concentration was shifted once or twice as by the psychopathic fat pig in the row in front who threatened my friend (<i>a long story that doesn't need going into here</i>) and by the millennials (<i>with their hair done that way that all teenagers have it and skinny jeans</i>) sat next to me who found impossible to sit still for more that five minutes without talking and rustling their bags of popcorn.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Overall the film was great and well worth another viewing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">It also left this viewer wanting more and seems to promise that this story is not over as there WILL be scores to settle.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">For these reasons I feel it is only fair to give this film a six out of ten rating.</span><br />
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<br />Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-12991511157719455172016-04-30T12:29:00.000+01:002016-04-30T12:29:07.887+01:00TV Ideas For Sale<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The following are a list of possible TV detective shows available for sale to producers and TV executives.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Please email at the usual address for prices and availability.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Knife and Fork</b>.</span></span></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Detectives John Knife and TV Chef Sally Fork solve food related murders whilst attempting to keep their sordid love affair a secret from a very curious Food Critic.</span></i></span><br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-T1gnyNv61xY/VySWQ8EipHI/AAAAAAAAYEc/Vs88WgK3tE8GyCOPozA2RDOLgN3VYsfywCKgB/s1600/police%2Bshow%2B4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-T1gnyNv61xY/VySWQ8EipHI/AAAAAAAAYEc/Vs88WgK3tE8GyCOPozA2RDOLgN3VYsfywCKgB/s1600/police%2Bshow%2B4.jpg" /></span></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Wynd and Raine.</span></b></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Dave Wynd, a reformed stalker turned snitch for the old bill, is forced to team up with PC Jeff Raine, a secret paraplegic pickpocket, to find the real culprit behind a series of attacks on window cleaners. They say opposites attract, but will these two former friends be able to reconcile their hatred for each other in order to stop another murder?</span></i></span><br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-S7PypEuWNak/VySWQ1mgptI/AAAAAAAAYEY/ZIBTNNZeVm8M5bH5DW7lHyCx8M5NPsFWgCKgB/s1600/police%2Bshow%2B3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-S7PypEuWNak/VySWQ1mgptI/AAAAAAAAYEY/ZIBTNNZeVm8M5bH5DW7lHyCx8M5NPsFWgCKgB/s1600/police%2Bshow%2B3.jpg" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b><strike>Fingers and Thumbs</strike></b></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><strike><i>Bill Fingers is on the run for a crime he did not commit. Tina Thumbs is the FBI agent sent to track him down and bring him to justice.</i></strike></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><strike><i>Bill Fingers is trying find the man who has set him up and leaves a trail of clues for Agent Thumbs to follow in this mind bending thriller.</i></strike></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">*please note this title is no longer available*</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Head and Shoulders.</span></b></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">When Dean Head was pronounced DOA, his retinas were surgically implanted into the eyes of Chief Inspector Colin Shoulders who is now able to communicate with the ghost of Dean via looking at things.</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Together, they solve mysterious crimes in the coastal town of Moss Green.</i></span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mFRrRrkLY-I/VySWRc_3z1I/AAAAAAAAYEo/OsuDCDfTJkUYf59Nf4KZtqhQLmFjqYTKACLcB/s1600/police%2Bshow2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mFRrRrkLY-I/VySWRc_3z1I/AAAAAAAAYEo/OsuDCDfTJkUYf59Nf4KZtqhQLmFjqYTKACLcB/s1600/police%2Bshow2.jpg" /></span></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Tea and Toast.</span></b></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Timothy Tea is on loan from the Chinese police force and has been partnered with maverick cop Xander Toast. On the hunt for the Mafia Kingpin, these two misfits must work together and sort stuff out and try to keep international relations from boiling over with hilarious consequences.</span></i></span><br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IUYlm5jt2DU/VySWReBvRVI/AAAAAAAAYEk/FVy10N--d-4yuU8SkmAKDsFitg6SxeQlwCKgB/s1600/police%2Bshow%2B5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IUYlm5jt2DU/VySWReBvRVI/AAAAAAAAYEk/FVy10N--d-4yuU8SkmAKDsFitg6SxeQlwCKgB/s1600/police%2Bshow%2B5.jpg" /></span></a></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Coughs and Sneezes.</span></b></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">12 years sober, Hank Coughs has been handcuffed to local sex offender Jake "Sneezes" McTavish and they must stay connected to each other for the next 48 hours or another orphan will be killed on live TV.</span></i></span><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Together, they solve riddles and puzzles set by the killer while trying to find out just WHO is responsible!</span></i><br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gZ_ZWF8dbuI/VySWQ8u4ndI/AAAAAAAAYEg/7oY_E6TtwRMGLOh1LIdvwgdEXJPPG2jrgCLcB/s1600/police%2Bshow%2B1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gZ_ZWF8dbuI/VySWQ8u4ndI/AAAAAAAAYEg/7oY_E6TtwRMGLOh1LIdvwgdEXJPPG2jrgCLcB/s320/police%2Bshow%2B1.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">All these police procedurals are available for script development and/or theatrical production for the "Criminally" low low price of £££'s</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">Send off for your script NOW and receive a free pamphlet of half thought up running gags, cliff-hanger endings and plot twists*</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;">*limited supply t&c's apply.</span></span><br />
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Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-60109839917133174672016-04-23T10:33:00.001+01:002016-04-23T10:33:58.321+01:00Racism shrouded in idiocy. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm not sure if any of you had <strike><i>the pleasure</i></strike> of watching.. no, that not the right word is it... misfortune? is that the word?... I don't know... anyway, Did anyone see the recent Britain First Political campaign video on the TV recently?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I didn't.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But I do have a Twitter account and there were a lot of people tweeting about it so I thought I would have a look at it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Here it is in all it's glory.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/EKanfsl2Et8/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/EKanfsl2Et8?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Wow - right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Just wow.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It should go without saying that the vast majority of was said in that video is laughably stupid, wrong and painfully inaccurate. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But I am not all that offended by a bunch of idiots spouting verbal diarrhoea as I still hold out on that last thread of human sensibility that these nasty people will amount to nothing and that their strange ramblings about migrants and Europe will be ignored or, even better, questioned and corrected as the London Mayoral voting begins.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I don't live in London, but some people do (so I have heard) and I hope that people make a choice is right for them, regardless of who they chose.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There is however, a very small chance that somebody as dangerous as Britain First will be voted in.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There is a very strange sense of failure around our main political parties.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To be fair, there always has been as newspapers and websites continuously find examples of fraud, misconduct and outright illegal behaviour of those we entrust to run our country.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But recently I have found myself at my wits end and I fear that others are in an even worse state of hatred of the constant lies and disrespect that MP's continue to show each other and the people who put them in power.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I worry that something terrible could go wrong and people like Britian First find themselves in positions of power.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's one thing to worry about terrorists. They are a bad bunch and no mistake.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But, for me at least, I think there would be MORE to worry about if single minded extremists... (yes that's right White Extremists... imagine that) like Britain First become the decision makers.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It would be an unmitigated disaster.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Britain First do not represent my views in any way, shape or form. They really don't.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But worse than their points of view is the quality of that video.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Seriously folks, that video is painful to watch.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Laughably so.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">From the weird camera work, weird cut aways and bizarre sound editing. The whole thing is a mess.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I doubt anybody reviewed that video and thought "<i>That's bloody brilliant that is. Lets call it a night and beat up a black for not being British enough</i>."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Nope. I've just checked and it never happened.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It was offensive to the human senses.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We have spent millions of years trying to evolve to a more sophisticated physical state so we are able to reach a higher plane of awareness.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Our eyes can focus on singular actions, our hands have opposable thumbs which allow us use tools and create fine works of art.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Our brains can control our every movement. We use them to create wonderful worlds in our mind and can evoke intense emotional responses from music... but the best Britain First can do is drag a few dullards out on the street and get them to read from a card... VERY VERY woodenly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The whole thing reminded me of this brilliant bit from Stewart Lee, which sums up my whole disdain for Britain First and their like and I offer it up as a counter balance for that stupid video at the top.</span><br />
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<br />Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-63583838104963161472016-04-16T09:54:00.000+01:002016-04-16T09:54:54.548+01:00A little Something For The Ears<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This week I thought I would share a little something I have been working on.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You may remember a while back that I said I was going to create a whole album of music by the end of the year.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">No?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Oh well, I did.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This is a rough demo track of one of the songs I am currently working on.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's probably the most mellow of songs I have done to date, but should give a good idea of the kind of stuff I am currently working on.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My main issue so far is that I can't drum.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Of the five tracks I have written so far, I have not really got to grips with the percussion.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'd like to say that it is due to working on-line and that the slow internet connection plays havoc when trying to keep the beat, but that would be a half truth.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, I'm not here to make excuses. It's all part of the learning process.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Sit back and (<i>try to</i>) enjoy a little ditty I have made.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Lyrics will be applied in due course once inspiration hits.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-large;"><i><u>UNTITLED TRACK (2)</u></i></span><br />
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<iframe frameborder="no" height="450" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/238983412%3Fsecret_token%3Ds-43upj&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&visual=true" width="100%"></iframe>Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-85839165821257189682016-04-09T11:40:00.000+01:002016-04-09T11:40:23.600+01:00From DOGLUMPS to BROCCOLI <br />
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<i>None of what you read here is meant to be a moan or a grumble.</i><br />
<i>It is, though, completely true and should be viewed as a brief glimpse into my daily life and how if differs from many other people.</i><br />
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<i>Some of the words which are in CAPITALS have been chosen by Twitter followers and I would like to thank @PrincessBagel, @Olliethepigeon and @Rob_Z_Tobor for their suggestions.... you weirdos!</i><br />
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<i>Using nothing but these suggested words as inspiration I have written what ever comes into my head. It appears my imagination has failed me.</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As you read this (<i>assuming you are reading this on the same day it has been published - 9th or April</i>) I am not here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am in fact, out!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am either shopping with the wife (am) or out drinking and eating (pm).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For most people this would not be blog worthy, but long time readers will know that my life is not the same as many others.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Working from home in the holiday industry means that your relaxing time is my work time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Bank holidays, weekends and any day that makes you think "Ooh, let's have a barbecue!" is a day where I say... "Blimey, look how many people are coming today. Crumbs!"... or words to that effect.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">holiday makers are great for the most part. But they do tend to forget a few things when on holiday.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Things like cleanliness for example.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's bad enough having to pick up DOGLUMPS that bad dog owners fail to pick up, but what I find in the bins would astonish the most hardened of cynics.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I could write an encyclopaedia on the things I have found in the bins.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">From TV's to slippers and shoes, whole tents, THERMAL VESTS and once, an entire kitchens worth of pans, kettles, cups and plates.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That's not to mention the amount of food waste I witness on a daily basis.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Banana's seem to be very popular in the winter months for some reason, but I do recall a spate of FROZEN PIZZA's being tossed away. They had not even been opened and were still in date.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I didn't eat them though. That would be wrong.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can often be found cleaning muck from the sides of toilets, separating the recycling from non-recyclable rubbish like some kind of COCKWOMBLE (not sure what a cockwomble is, but I'm sticking to that definition)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">When not cleaning up after scruffy types I am often digging or filling bits of the ground.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Rabbit holes seem to be the main time suck.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There are millions of the critters living in the woods around me and those LUCKY RABBITS FEET do an awful lot of damage and I do not consider them to be lucky for my back AT ALL!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">After all the rain we have had I have spent many afternoons filling in POTHOLES created by the rain water washing away the roads around the site... which is back breaking and causes me to get a sweat on, like a commoner!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">All of this work should leave me in a physical state of pure manliness but alas it does not.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have a very peculiar metabolism.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have tried diets and smoothies and eating well... including a ton of BROCCOLI, but I can never quite get rid of my middle aged spread which seems to have arrived a few years early.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am attempting to try and exercise in order to loose a little of belly, but every time I attempt to get fir I usually end up breaking furniture for some reason.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">By the time you have read this I will have had a chippy tea as our chippy man will have been and I get mine for free!</span><br />
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<br />Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-84376705018905638602016-04-02T22:33:00.000+01:002016-04-02T22:33:02.265+01:00Haiku<div style="text-align: center;">
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<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I don't like Haikus</span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">They are harder than you think.</span></b></div>
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Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-33438135813113638042016-03-26T17:57:00.000+00:002016-03-26T17:57:46.839+00:00It's Not Easy Being a God<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Next to my chair, where only I am allowed to sit, is a small table with a secret drawer (don't tell anyone).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Inside this draw are various hidden gems and treasures.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Amongst the many forgotten delights I recently re-discovered a computer disk.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">blowing off the dust I found the words CIVILISATION 5 written upon the top and a very rare smile spread across my face.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm not one for playing computer games, but I have always loved the Civilisation games.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For those not familiar with the franchise, Civilisation is a strategy game where the player begins in the year 3000BC, or there abouts, with nothing but a group of settlers and through the process of discovering technologies, adopting social traits, defending against barbarians and other computer controlled empires, you must try to build a future for your citizens.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">War - HUH - What is it good for?</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's not always an easy task. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For example, I am currently in heated talks with the Celts who claim I am building on lands that they believe is rightfully theirs (the idiots).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Meanwhile, the German Empire is constantly trying to goad me into declaring war against the Mongols who I am reluctant to wage war with as they have quite the large army near my boarders already.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Not only this, but the filthy Byzantiums have sent their spies to steal technology from my city capital city.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Ottomans are still no threat after their failed attempt to capture my cities on the west coast of our shared land and are of no threat... for now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Beyond this, I have recently discovered a huge landmass with untouched resources and I am currently in a race against time to claim as much land as I can before anyone else tries to settle a city there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's a land full of roaming hordes of vicious barbarians who continue to pillage my newly built farm lands and mines... the animals.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As the ages pass by, this new world is becoming more and more crowded. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">My population is precariously poised to revolt if I can not appease them by building a Wonder of the World or at the very least negotiate a trade deal for some luxury items like gems or silk with another race, although it is getting harder to find friends in this world as I have, through no good reason, gained a reputation as being... and I quote "<i>A blood thirsty warlord</i>" - The bloody cheek.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have not started a single war in over 1500 years ... some people just won't it lie!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's not easy being an immortal God to my people. But in the name of the almighty Bumf, I shall prevail.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><i>EDIT: Since writing this post, I have destroyed the Celts as they were involved in trying to gain support from other nations to wage war on my people.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><i>This in turn led to the Dutch capturing one of the Celts cities to the north (which is naughty) So I took them to task and now control their land as well.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><i>This caused the Germans to denounce me as a ruthless warlord, Which is fair as I did take things a bit far.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><i>My peoples are very happy about this. It seems that my loyal subjects are psychopathic maniacs who love nothing more than the taste of their enemies blood on their lips.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><i>If anything is to be learnt from this, it is that you mess with the King of England.... I have spies EVERYWHERE!!!!</i></span></div>
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Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-928504290027506852016-03-19T21:12:00.000+00:002016-03-19T21:12:31.809+00:00TV show ideas.<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>A Bird in The Hand.</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Starring Nigel Havers and Sue Pollard.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A Bird in the hand is a situation comedy based on the day to day struggles of John Bird and Mary Hand, two neighbours who never speak to each other directly due to a decade long disagreement over the recycling bins.</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Contains violence and full frontal nudity nudity.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>YOU DON'T KNOW JACK...</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Live every weekday night for three weeks, Jack Whitehall is forced to apologise for not being as funny as he thinks he is whilst being held a gun point by a drunk chimpanzee. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Series two has already been commissioned.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>G.M. Foods</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Set in a corner shop somewhere near Oldham, this live action adventure show follows Bear Grylls and Ray Mears as they try to balance the books whilst making sure there is enough wheat-a-bix and oxo stock cubes on the shelves.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's none stop laughs and giggles on the Intensive Care Unit as Jack Dee and Tess Daily present live reactions to test results and diagnoses of terminally ill patients at Stockdale General Hospital.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Each Week a celebrity guest performs an operation to remove organs from one of the patients in a bid to raise money for a donkey sanctuary.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This week Jo Brand attempts eye laser surgery on an 85 old pensioner called Geoff.</span></div>
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Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-11239479338560153792016-03-12T11:45:00.000+00:002016-03-12T11:45:35.800+00:00Not With A Bang, But A Whimper<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The end of the world as we know it (TEOTWAWKI) is well and truly upon us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hollywood films, have for years, entertained us with visual delights of exploding Suns, alien invasions, mega earthquakes, impossible ice ages, giant rocks from space and even shark filled weather, but our everyday lives are about to be disrupted in a more subtle way.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As humans beings, one of our greatest weaknesses is the fact that we follow patterns.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We love 'em.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We are designed to find patterns everywhere. We see patterns in the most irregular of places.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">How often have you looked at a cloud and seen an image of a horse playing a trumpet or seen the faces of a deity in a piece of burnt toast?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">All the damn time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But not only this, we follow patterns. We all have a morning routine for example.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You put your clothes on in a certain way, you will travel the same way to work every day and you will eat the same things all the time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But how does this effect the end of the world?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am a tea drinker but there are many people out there who enjoy a cup of coffee.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It has been reported that coffee crops are set to be <a href="http://phys.org/news/2015-04-coffee-production-decline.html" target="_blank">35% lower</a> than previous years, which have been in decline for a long time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your morning cup of Joe may become more expensive at best. At worst there may be an actual world wide shortage of coffee for sale.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This might seem bad enough but then there is the added fear that, due to the recent floods in Cumbria, us <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cumbria-35696027" target="_blank">Brits may not even have a biscuit to dunk in our brews.</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This is how the world will end.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Not with a bang, but a whimper.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Not having that subconscious little treat will be the start of a very slippery slope to barbarianism.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">With your morning patterns ruined, work life balance will be torn apart. This will result in lower effort put in at your place of employment. There will be no more chit chats by the office kettle as everyone discusses just how much weight Karen in accounts has put on or if Derek is wearing eye liner and what's with that work experience lad in the post room? I'm sure he's stealing pens.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">With the working environment in tatters it won't take long before the boss notices and puts you on a disciplinary for not getting that report done on time (<i>your boss would rather ruin your day than deal with Derek, who is now wearing sequinned mini skirts and singing show tunes throughout the day, AND your boss hasn't had their daily cuppa either so it's all gone to pot!</i>)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But not to worry, when you get home, after one of the worst weeks of your adult life, at least you can sit down and relax with a nice cup of..... um.... hot water?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That won't cut it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Who will take the blame for that?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your significant other - that's who.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They won't stand for it for long and before Christmas you will find yourself on your own, jobless, sat in the dark because you have no money to pay the electric bill and you have this weird pain in your stomach because you have been forced to buy "cufee" from the black market and it will probably contain bits of mud and dead rat hairs and then you will feel poorly.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But it won't just be you will it?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It will be everybody. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Your neighbours, work colleagues, friends and loved ones will be going through the same emotional wrangler as their lives as torn apart from within.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's the accumulation of the small things that will rip civilisation asunder.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">We will all fall victim to the decomposition of friendship and help.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Man will fight against itself for the briefest glimmer of hope that they will be able to dunk a biscuit into their cuppa.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But that hope will soon fade as you stare into your hands, the drying stains of blood from your latest kill soaking into the skin. Staining not only your fingers but your soul.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There is no escape.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The end is coming.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hoard your biscuits.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Cherish your Custard Creams.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Even the jammy dodger.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Damn you all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Damn you all to hell.</span>Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-25129888381827855982016-03-05T11:04:00.000+00:002016-03-05T16:03:37.202+00:00Stop Being Happy<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Next time you are out and about, going to work, shopping, running away from the police because you refuse to put on pants (<i>what's wrong with you - put on some pants</i>).... when you find yourself surrounded by other members of the human race, take a little moment to study the faces of the people around you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Is anybody smiling?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The chances are there will be at least one.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">That person is a moron.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There is never a reason to smile or show any other emotion other than contempt and hatred for your fellow humans.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They are all idiots.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Smiling idiots even more so.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-35710232" target="_blank">A recent study by SCIENTISTS</a> tells us that being happy - even for a moment - is more dangerous than running with scissors.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have never understood the need to be happy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I have spent most of my adult life (<i>and a fair portion of my childhood</i>) being miserable.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am content being fed up and grumpy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's great.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Being happy is stupid.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">People who smile for no reason, other than witnessing the failures of others, is no way to live.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Nature has spent millions of years evolving creatures that bite, eat, prey, screw each other over and tear apart any other living being that is weaker than itself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It is the law of things.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Dog-eat-dog.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Not dog-gives-cat-a-cuddle-because-diddums.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If dogs started cuddling cats or fish began to offer lifestyle advice to giraffes we would be in a right mess.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But people do it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They go out of their way to "help" and cheer each other up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">idiots.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Happy people are emotional unstable time bombs completely unprepared for the moment the universe lets them down.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They live their lives by the rule of horoscopes and lucky charms.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They truly believe that being nice to others will somehow create a state of Zen and they in turn will receive good fortune.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Happy people deserve everything they have coming their way.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If you smile at a stranger you are inviting a potential psychopath to rip of your face with their bare hands and use it to take over your life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Saying "<i>cheer up, it might never happen</i>" is not only a smug and ignorant way to get punched but is also a valid excuse for somebody to kick you in the unmentionables and there is not a court in the land that will defend you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Being happy, or trying to make others happy,goes against everything that makes sense.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">One day you won't be happy and then you will be doubly unhappy because you miss being happy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Creating a mindset of melancholy encourages a state of balance in life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Science has now shown us that being happy will cause DEATH.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Miserable buggers, like me, live longer.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Be Happy?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Be somewhere else chum</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> and take your happy clappy self righteous "worst thing happen at sea" bullshit somewhere else.</span>Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-65620928859363650332016-02-27T10:24:00.000+00:002016-02-27T10:24:30.191+00:00Europe and Bigger Chicken Eggs.<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Now that the weather seems to have calmed down a bit, the good folks of Blighty may be forgiven to think that they nothing to talk about.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But fear not my fellow Brits, thanks to those hard working, honest, diligent (haha)members of parliament are (<i>for once</i>) keeping their promise to offer the public a referendum on whether or not we should stay part of the European Union.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There are those who say we should stay and there are those who say we should go and there appears to be another group who say we should leave but are not the same as the other group who say we should leave.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It's as if the Clash knew all along that this question would one day raise it's head, and are probably set to cash in bucket loads of wonga in repeat fees for their tune as the debate heats up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But setting aside the frugal naming of classic songs for a moment, let us consider the pro's and cons of being part of the EU.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unfortunately, at the time of writing, the ground is very thin on facts and truth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The best I can come with are as follows:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>Staying in:</u></b></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Being part of Europe means the cost of wonderful food like baguettes, Danish pastries, German beers, Italian sausage and eating in a Tapas bar will remain at reasonable levels of cost.</i></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: medium;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">If we leave Europe the cost of moving the Land mass of the UK into international waters would be astronomical and could result in more flooding and things falling off the sideboard as we rock about on the open waves. Not to mention the amount of shovels we will need to buy in order to shift over to the left a bit (</span>probably to the other side of Ireland<span style="font-size: large;">) </span></i></span></li>
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<li><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Leaving Europe means the average temperature will drop dramatically. Currently Mediterranean countries with more sunshine increase the average temperature of European nations by a good few degrees. </i><i style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Being a stand alone country will mean our average temperature will be much less and that will cause heating bills to go up.</i></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Staying in Europe means we will be able to watch more of those brilliant cop drama's where detectives from two nations have to work together to solve a murder that happened right on the border whilst wearing those lovely warm jumpers... love those shows!</i></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Staying in Europe means we can still play the Euro lottery. If we leave the EU then all you have left is the shitty UK lottery which is a proper rip off.</i></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /><b><u>Leaving Europe:</u></b></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>We will no longer feel the need to eat all that foreign muck like, baguettes, Danish pastries, German beers or Italian sausages in Tapas bars. yukky!</i></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>The chances of accidentally ordering and consuming snails covered in garlic will be reduced by 75% or more.</i></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>Nobody will have to suffer the nightmare that is the Eurovision Song Contest.</i></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>No more shall the people of Britain have to sit through those 137 hour long Danish dramas about a jumper wearing detective who has to solve the murder of a man found on a bridge/in a tunnel/ across some kind of border. You know the one's, where everything is a shade of dullness and nobody smiles and is sad and the word melancholic is etched into your brain for all eternity and how itchy do those jumpers look... grrr.</i></span></li>
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i>We won't have to share our lottery wins with Jonny Foreigner. Instead, UK gamblers will be able to spend their two pounds on an extra lottery ticket.</i></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">SO there you are.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">10 perfectly valid reasons to either stay or leave.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You will, no doubt, hear a lot of twaddle and down right lies over the next few months about immigration, terrorism, employment, law making and the economy in general from politicians.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">None of them will be telling the truth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Especially the ones who tell you chickens will lay bigger eggs if we leave/stay.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">So the next time you find yourself in a heated conversation about the upcoming referendum, remember this post and share it your friends.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Not only will it save your friendship/marriage/job but it will also help idiots to make up their minds properly.....probably.</span></div>
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Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-80448715205841785742016-02-20T22:31:00.000+00:002016-02-20T22:31:05.870+00:00A Terrible Joke.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Here is a joke including an umber of "cut-out-and-keep" emotional responses for you to peruse. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--S4qiVLwiN0/VsZFjxOhLmI/AAAAAAAAVWo/aQI-FdnI4T4/s1600/frankie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--S4qiVLwiN0/VsZFjxOhLmI/AAAAAAAAVWo/aQI-FdnI4T4/s1600/frankie.jpg" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Hey look at that flock of cows over there!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UvGKdxYuWEQ/VsZFoGdOqRI/AAAAAAAAVWs/HqWushpSLOQ/s1600/oooh.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="195" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UvGKdxYuWEQ/VsZFoGdOqRI/AAAAAAAAVWs/HqWushpSLOQ/s200/oooh.png" width="200" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">HERD of cows!?!?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--S4qiVLwiN0/VsZFjxOhLmI/AAAAAAAAVWo/aQI-FdnI4T4/s1600/frankie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--S4qiVLwiN0/VsZFjxOhLmI/AAAAAAAAVWo/aQI-FdnI4T4/s1600/frankie.jpg" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Of course I have heard of cows. There's a huge flock of them over there!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">A-hahahahahahahahaha!</span></div>
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shock..</div>
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confusion</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uxy77smP9no/VsZJ3kefqNI/AAAAAAAAVXY/obPPsnW488U/s1600/shoked%2Bharry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uxy77smP9no/VsZJ3kefqNI/AAAAAAAAVXY/obPPsnW488U/s1600/shoked%2Bharry.jpg" /></a></div>
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fear</div>
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anger</div>
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frustration</div>
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Sadness</div>
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fear and confusion</div>
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disbelief</div>
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Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-74088821185608124372016-02-11T14:42:00.000+00:002016-02-11T15:06:47.950+00:00Deadpool The Movie: a six out of ten review<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A SPOILER FREE REVIEW.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Last night I went to the cinema to watch the latest superhero movie DEADPOOL.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For those that don't know, Deadpool is a character from Marvel Comics, the people who brought us Ironman, Captain America, Hulk etc but is not currently owned by Marvel and can not appear in their movie or TV line up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Instead, the movie rights to Deadpool is owned by 20th Century Fox, the people who make the X-men films.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tL0gMctjdAE/VrycRpLAqsI/AAAAAAAAVQo/99R_gsQHlMg/s1600/deadpool1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tL0gMctjdAE/VrycRpLAqsI/AAAAAAAAVQo/99R_gsQHlMg/s1600/deadpool1.jpg" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><u>Cheeky!</u></i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Deadpool is a mutant, much like the heroes of the X-men universe, but is not a member of the X-men.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He was... for a bit... in the comics, but is currently now part of the Avengers, working with Captain America and other. Although they do not exist in the same cinematic universe.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He was also, so it is said, a complete rip off of the DC comic book character Deathstroke, which is where Superman and Batman come from.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-g4MIX49xFO4/VrycYnuoyzI/AAAAAAAAVQ4/sUYexLrrYXE/s1600/dp3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="251" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-g4MIX49xFO4/VrycYnuoyzI/AAAAAAAAVQ4/sUYexLrrYXE/s400/dp3.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><u><i>See! toooootaly different....</i></u></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">DC and Marvel are very much the two big players in the name of comic books.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Confused?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You will be.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The thing about DP is that he is not your everyday hero. He is in fact a villain. Or rather an anti hero.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He is known as "The Merc with a Mouth" and spends most of his time fighting for whoever is willing to pay him the most money.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He entered the world of comics trying to kill Cable, the son of Cyclops and a clone of Jean Grey who had been taken to the distant future as a baby to escape the threat of death and had travelled back in time as a man in order to save the world.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Still confused?.... There's more.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Deadpool is one of the very few characters that actually knows he is in a comic and regularly breaks the fourth wall and speaks to the reader whilst the other heroes stand around wondering if our protagonist is having a breakdown.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">And to this, his unhealthy love for Bea Arthur, Chimichangas and irregular pop culture references and you have, what should be, the most ridiculous basis for a movie.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gjB8b92CdEQ/VrycYMzmlrI/AAAAAAAAVQ8/XSD89bGLKq0/s1600/bea.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gjB8b92CdEQ/VrycYMzmlrI/AAAAAAAAVQ8/XSD89bGLKq0/s400/bea.jpg" width="299" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><u><i>"Thankyou for being a friend..."</i></u></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">On to the film.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Deadpool movie is a film made for the fans, and in a way, by fans. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Ryan Reynolds is a huge fan of the character and takes on the role with gusto.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The film contains a lot of swearing, violence - including decapitation/self mutilation/ broken limbs/ exploding heads/ severed body parts/ more broken limbs as well as sexual experimentation, ladies breasts, a burnt penis, more violence and "creative use of the English language", more boobs and blood and guts and swearing and masturbating with a fluffy unicorn (no, that's not a euphemism).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If the above list counts towards your five-a-day in visual entertainment, then this film is right up your street.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">There are lots of in jokes, jibes at other films and does a reasonable attempt to subvert the atrocities of the last time we saw Deadpool appear in a movie (X-men Origins).</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G2DYhFZNF9Y/VrycYu0u0bI/AAAAAAAAVQ0/aosVnqgbpOA/s1600/dp4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="278" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G2DYhFZNF9Y/VrycYu0u0bI/AAAAAAAAVQ0/aosVnqgbpOA/s400/dp4.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><u>Nope! Never happened... I can't see this....</u></i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You don't really need to see any of the X-men films from the past to fully understand this film, but there are more than a few gags aimed squarely at their expense and it would be no real surprise to hear that not even Hugh Jackman gets away without being poked fun at.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Over all this movie was a hoot!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But long time readers will know that all my reviews have to be rated at 6/10.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">The reason for this is ensure that movie makers don't feel that they have reached the pinnacle of their career with a 10/10 and then don't feel they have to bother making anything of any worth after that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A 6/10 rating ensures that films continue to grow and entertain us all for many years to come.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This film receives the coveted 6/10 rating due to the following facts:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">1) We booked a table at a restaurant before the film and waited over one and a half hours before I got fed up and walked out... hungry!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2) Being hungry, I had to fill up with popcorn... and popcorn is bloody awful.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">3) There are people who visit the cinema in the 21st century who still do not have full control of their bladders. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Getting up 20 minutes into a film that is 2 hours long in order to go and do pee-pee should be made a criminal offence.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I want to watch the film NOT THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD BOBBING UP AND DOWN!!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">4) The woman sat three rows in front of me and two seats to the left was laughing like a fucking idiot ALL-THE-WAY-THROUGH.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This film is funny but it does not need the type of hysterics I witnessed last night.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It was as if this woman had never seen an action comedy before. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">She is probably the kind of moron who enjoys watching Big Momma's House or Eddie Murphy films where he has to play every character because nobody in Hollywood wants to be associated with him.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SaOP_MeQeAo/VrycYezW_MI/AAAAAAAAVQs/BVLZDYSx-PU/s1600/Dp2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SaOP_MeQeAo/VrycYezW_MI/AAAAAAAAVQs/BVLZDYSx-PU/s400/Dp2.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><i><u>Punching a zombified Abraham Lincoln...because - comics.</u></i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Each of these reasons have caused a great film to drop a point.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I will leave it to your good selves to reallocate points as you see fit and then you can decide if you should see this film...... which you should.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">EDIT: If you do go to see this film - remember to stay until the very VERY end as there is an extra special scene at the end....!</span>Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-67781743187551994212016-02-06T19:01:00.000+00:002016-02-06T19:01:08.881+00:00TG:PLCS<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hey you.....</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Can YOU answer YES to any of the following?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Feeling down?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Don't know what to watch on TV tonight?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unable to bend down without making a noise?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Financial worries?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>****Call now****</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Want to learn to sing?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Want to easily remember peoples names?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Need public speaking tips?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unable to find contact details on a post?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>****E-mail quick.****</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Want to learn another language?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Can't remember the words to that song?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Learn how to pick locks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>****Get in touch today.****</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><u>****Act now!****</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Got the hiccups?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Are you going to win the lottery?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">All these things and <b>more</b> can be answered if you make the first step and join the THOUGHTLESS GIBBERISH: PERSONAL LIFE COACHING SCHOOL (TG:PLCS)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">"<i>I couldn't find my keys, but one quick call to TGPLCS and within 3 hours I found them in my bag.</i>" Mrs W, Stockdale.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Call our dedicated hotline 24 hours a day and kick start your new life TODAY!</span>Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-16015596105153233292016-01-30T09:44:00.000+00:002016-01-30T09:44:09.637+00:00The Ultimate Answer to Everything.<i><span style="font-size: large;">Before we start this weeks post I want you to have a look around you.</span></i><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i>
<i>Go on. </i></span><br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;">Have a look at the things around you. Make a mental note of where you are and what's going on because, one day, people will ask the question "Where were you when you read about the Ultimate Answer to Everything?"</span></i><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">As has been mentioned many times, the world is in a terrible state. Wars and financial crashes. Crappy weather and there is nothing good on TV.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Everywhere you go - there's trouble in one form or another.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It's a right chore!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It could be something as mundane as a traffic jam, or the hot water has gone off again mid shower.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Or your favourite football team has lost ANOTHER game.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Maybe you are worried about the prospect of a buffoon being elected the most powerful politician in the world. Or maybe you can't find your keys and you are already late for work.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">But none of those things will matter once I have explained how we can change our lives for the better.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">What's more, it's really easy to do.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I've bloody cracked it.</span></b><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I genuinely think I have found a way for everyone to have a better life.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">All we need is for one person (preferably a female, but it could work with a male) to step up and make a teeny tiny sacrifice.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Here's the science bit:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Here in the UK, we are pretty rubbish at sports.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We might come close to winning a thing, be it tennis or swimming or darts - any of those - but when push comes to shove, we are not very good, or at least consistently good.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">But that doesn't stop sports fans from screaming for their preferred sports person to achieve greatness with the universal encouragement of "COME ON...<insert here="" name="">!"</insert></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">By shouting nothing more than "COME ON...<insert here="" name="">!" at a professional athlete who spends their every waking moment concentrating on the task at hand and has done so for many years, shouting at them to "come on" is about as much use as farting at a bush fire.</insert></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Pick a sport.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Tennis - COME ON TIM</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Snooker - COME ON RONNIE</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Football - COME ON ARSENAL/UTD/CITY etc...</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Darts - COME ON FATTY</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">They are all the same.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">No imagination.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It leaves people feeling exasperated and ignored.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The sports stars they pay to watch are not listening to them.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">But they would if they changed their name to Elieen.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Let's hold a lottery or a phone in, whereby people can vote for who should change their name by deed poll to Eileen, and then when they play in their chosen field we can all shout COME ON EILEEN!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">What could go wrong?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Absolutely nothing, that's what.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Picture the scene, in your mind, if you will.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">A ten thousand strong crowd of overweight, drunk, possibly culturally inept mouth breathers all singing the 1980's hit tune from Dexys Midnight Runners.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Both opposing side of fans singing (<i>not quite in harmony</i>) COME ON EILEEN..neer ner ner nerner ner... COME OOOON EILEEEEEN!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Brilliant.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It could even become the national anthem!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">God Save The Queen is dull, boring and doesn't inspire anybody apart from her majesty's very own private GP to up the ante.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">However, A huge crowd of people swayed to follow one person or team over another purely due to geography or perceived chance of winning in any given game of skill ALL giving it good guns at the top of their voices would give a carnival, if somewhat dated, sense of pride, party and joy.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It is almost impossible for anyone of any age to not know at least 3 of the 14 words in the chorus for this song.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">That's more than the current national anthem (<i>percentage wise</i>) as we only ever hear the 1st of 6 verses of a song which is primarily about having the life of a very rich lady and very little to do with the nation or it's people.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Come on Eileen also has very little to do with the UK as a whole or it's people, but at least we can all agree it is a very catchy tune and has a bit of an upbeat feel to it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I guarantee that Ronnie O'Sullivan would pot more balls, The England Rugby team would tackle better, the cricket team would be able to stand in a field with more pride and even little Tom Daly would each achieve greater standards of falling into some water if they were all egged on with Dexy's biggest hit ringing in their ears.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I bet even the slobs that play for England FC would find themselves loosing by not quite as much, if that break down bit where it goes "<i>oooh come on, Elieen ta-loo-ra ay!</i>" was chanted around Wembley instead of that nob head with a trumpet.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">By doing this, our nation would win more.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">By Winning more medals and trophies we, the people, would know for sure that it was OUR participation that gave players the vital push needed to win.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Knowing we played our part would make us all a little bit more happy.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Being happy makes you work better, earn more and spend more.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The economy would be saved.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Foreign investors would flock to our shores with buckets of cash and all would be right with the world.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Have this song as our national anthem and BOOM! we're all tickled pink.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">You can say I'm wrong, but you would know yourself that's a lie.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-54073984762152676932016-01-23T17:18:00.000+00:002016-01-23T17:18:40.796+00:00Women: Sex crazed or Just Misunderstood? A Special Investigation<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As a man (<i>I have a certificate to prove this fact</i>) I often forget that woman have it pretty tough in our modern society.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Pay inequality, bras, not understanding jokes, the glass ceiling, the inability to whistle, and even (<i>gulps</i>) menstrual cycles are just some the everyday struggles that female women have to cope with.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But there is another problem, an unspoken issue, that I wish to discuss today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am in fact talking about the sexual desires of the lady folks of today.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">As a male man, I am easily pleased. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">From the obvious boobs, bums or even just the slightest hint of flesh, any of the above are enough to satisfy most blokes basic urges.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Just to know they exist is enough to calm my base animal instincts to be honest.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Throw up a picture of any of the millions upon millions of age appropriate females that currently exist in the world and that will probably be enough to get me through my darkest moments.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-r2Q9v6zJdHs/VpqyQChJyMI/AAAAAAAAVGw/-oiFO8ZO7co/s1600/woman%2B-%2Brachel%2Briley.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-r2Q9v6zJdHs/VpqyQChJyMI/AAAAAAAAVGw/-oiFO8ZO7co/s320/woman%2B-%2Brachel%2Briley.jpg" width="213" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">A very typical everyday lady woman.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Women though, at least hetrosexual women, wish they had it half as good.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A quick look around the world of celebrities and I have failed to find a single man who I would deem anything higher than a 6.5 on the sexiness scale.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qXwOgGCT8v8/Vpqz0bLGiOI/AAAAAAAAVG8/qTGqG8kgzxM/s1600/rab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qXwOgGCT8v8/Vpqz0bLGiOI/AAAAAAAAVG8/qTGqG8kgzxM/s320/rab.jpg" width="211" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">An above average man</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Seriously.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A quick bit of research on Facebook shows that most of the womenfolk on my time line all (mistakenly) think that THIS bloke is sexy...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4sEea_iAGQo/Vpq1QePbPtI/AAAAAAAAVHM/uYt0dEWfW0w/s1600/norman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4sEea_iAGQo/Vpq1QePbPtI/AAAAAAAAVHM/uYt0dEWfW0w/s1600/norman.jpg" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Sexy? or just Greasy?</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This is Norman Redus, who plays the part of Daryl on the hit TV show The Walking Dead.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Look at him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">He is the epitome of desire.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Women want him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">They also want their men to be like him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unfortunately, most men do not like walking round looking like they are allergic to peanuts, soap and sleep.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This isn't make up you are looking at in that picture.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">By all accounts, this is what Norm looks like on a good day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">A tramp.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Tamps are sexy now.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">It used to be muscles or a beard, but now it's sweat and dirty finger nails.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I feel sorry for women... or at least I would if they had not brought it upon themselves.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">David Beckham is still a fairly decent looking chap and I bet he knows to wash behind his ears.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Same goes for Brad Pitt. I bet he smells of Vanilla.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Women could opt to drool over these guys whenever they want. That's the joy of modern equal opportunities.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But they have been given the freedom of choice and it's gone straight to their heads and now they don't know what to do.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Madness has set in and now the beautiful women of the world are one small step away from becoming sexually aroused by a house brick.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Women: Beautiful in every way, but properly weird. </span></div>
Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-65507519015460921382016-01-16T19:00:00.002+00:002016-01-16T19:00:57.155+00:00Top Tips For 2016<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If last year was anything to by then there is a good chance 2016 will find you surrounded by the worst kind of idiots.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">In a <b>Thoughtless Gibberish</b> special "<i>cut out and Keep</i>" post, we present a top ten list of tips to help you through the next 12 months.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Scissors at the ready (<i>remember to ask an adult to help</i>)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Maybe, if I had posted this a week earlier, Bowie and Rickman would still be around......</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">1: <b>Beat the crowds by putting your finger in your ear and shouting "</b><i>Suspect is heading west, I have them in sight</i><b>" into you sleeve before running through the hordes of mindless shoppers.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">2: <b>An old Shredded Wheat filled with liquid soap makes an ideal scourer for those on a tight budget.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">3: <b>Running short on punctuation? a semi colon cut in half gives you a full stop AND a comma for those times when a sentence is not finished or, has in actual fact, come to an end.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">4: <b>Get that JJ Abrams movie feel in very day life by rubbing some vasaline on your glasses.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">5: <b>Eliminate your financial woes by simply winning the Lottery jackpot.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">6: <b>If winning the Lottery is not an option for you, Simply become the best at any given task, like accountancy or swimming or sex and brace yourself as the job offers to come flooding in.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">7: <b>Reduce the amount of new baby photos appearing on your facebook timeline by copy and pasting this comment onto the pictures as they appear:</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>"</b><i>Dude! that's is one messed up looking cat? Do you need a lift to the canal, I've got a Hessian sack and some bricks if needed.</i><b>"</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">8: <b>Wives make perfect drinking buddies when your friends, work colleges, strangers, pets or drinking on your own is not an option and you really need reminding that buying her a She-pee for Christmas was a stupid move.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">9: <b>Pledge furniture polish does NOT make a suitable replacement for your every day deodorant.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">10: <b>Creating a false passport, flag and currency and writing to your local MP telling them you have declared a small fenced off corner of your garden an independent sovereign state is a great, if unnecessarily convoluted, way of getting out doing the washing up by claiming diplomatic immunity.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Tinos; font-size: small;"></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">So there you have it folks, 10 brilliant top tips to keep you out of trouble for the next 360-odd days.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">You are very welcome.</span>Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4785102284810534594.post-12423539189949691342016-01-08T23:29:00.000+00:002016-01-08T23:29:00.829+00:00The Worlds Worst Murder StoryOnce, right, there was guy what was killed to death.<br />
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A man, who was another man, killed the first man for reasons.<br />
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It was up to a policeman and a lady policeman who was called a police woman to solve the crime by finding clues to who had done it and why.<br />
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The policeman, who probably had a name said "<i>I don't know who it was what did the murder, or even how. Do you lady police woman?</i>"<br />
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"<i>Yes</i>." She said.<br />
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"<i>It was done with a knife what is still sticking out of the dead mans chest.</i>" She continued.<br />
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"<i>yuk.</i>" Said the man policeman.<br />
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"<i>But we still don't know who it was that put the knife in there do we?</i>" He asked.<br />
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The police woman lady thought for a bit and another man jumped from the curtains.<br />
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"<i>Was it you?</i>" She asked the man who had jumped out from behind the curtains.<br />
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"<i>Yes!</i>" The murderer said. "<i>But how did you know?</i>"<br />
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The police woman lady said "<i>Because you did it.</i>"<br />
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"<i>Curses!</i>" Cursed the murderer, "<i>I was sure I was going to get away with it.</i>"<br />
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"<i>But why did you kill a man?</i>" Asked the policeman.<br />
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The murderer said "<i>Because I didn't want him to be alive any more. He was not a nice man and had done a bad thing one time</i>."<br />
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The policeman said "<i>What you had done was not a nice thing either and now you a criminal FOR LIFE</i>."<br />
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The policeman and the policeman lady arrested him and put him in a jail.<br />
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And they all lived happily ever after, apart from the dead man and the other man that killed him, because he was in jail for doing a killing.<br />
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The End.<br />
<br />Petehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14381410202609567450noreply@blogger.com4