Dave

It had to happen.

I knew that the future would not be strong enough to hold back destiny forever. 

Today is that day. Today is the day the letter D has fallen on the limp lap of fate and farted.

Today is the day I am forced to talk about …

*fingers hover nervously above the keyboard*

DAVE.

Screw that guy!

I have not spoken to Dave for over a year but he still annoys me.

Sorry. I should start at the beginning.

Everybody knows a Dave. Dave is the kind of guy who arranges a night out with “the lads” and turns up late without any money…yet again.

Dave is the sort of person who claims to have played with the Inspiral Carpets EVEN THOUGH he was only 12 at the time they were around.

Dave is the guy who claims poverty the day after every pay day but still manages to play the latest x-box games even though he is in his mid 30’s.

Dave can only play indoor guitars… whatever they are.

I hate Dave. He’s a friend… in the loosest sense of the term… the sort of person you keep around to remind you of how much worse life COULD be if you forgot to NOT be a pillock.

I could go on but I fear starting a riot and people going round to his house demanding to look at this so-called half painted yellow bedroom.

Everybody knows a Dave…. Unless you don’t know a Dave in which case….. well… um…. You do the math.

AAAARRRGGHHH!!!!

Eff you Dave. I know you will never read this, even if you say you will because that's what you are. A Dave. You Dave things. 

Anything left unfinnished = a Dave. 

i hate dave.

EDIT: It is worth pointing out, just in case you think I am being mean, that this is the guy who balked out on a date with a work colleague by taking half a day off and not telling the poor girl, meaning she came back to the office at night, expecting to find him ready for night of fun but instead found the rest of us all working - EXCEPT DAVE who had not bothered to tell her. Her embarrassment was clear and uncalled for. Dave didn't even have the where-with-all to let her know. What a C*UNT.