About Me

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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Sunday, 3 July 2016


Its been one hell of ride.

It really has.

I have had a lot of fun writing this blog over the years, since 2010 no less.

It's safe to say we have had an adventure or two. 

(348 to be exact.)

Remember that time we travelled faster than the speed of light?

Or that time we learnt that bananas have not evolved for over 7000 years and are still trying to kill us?

Oh, what about when we answered that age old question about trees falling over in the woods? 

There have been many posts I have written that I really enjoyed writing.

I have done my best to save the world from itself, but I fear my efforts have not been enough.

I have had a great time doing this, but just like a roll of toilet paper, everything must end.

Every story has a final chapter.... and this is it for me.

THOUGHTLESS GIBBERISH is coming to an end.

I am making a number a changes to my on line existence.

It's something I have been meaning to do a for while and now seems as good a time as any and part of that change is the end of this little blog of mine.

I have deactivated my Facebook account, will change my G+ profile this week and other alterations will be made in the coming week as I consolidate my life into a more manageable hobby.

Real life is changing for me and part of that change means I have to re-invent myself so the Bumf will be locked away in a small dark room, never to see the light of day with nothing but a dead rat on the end of a bit of string for company.

But fear not, for I will not be disappearing completely.

Like a Phoenix from the ashes I will return to blogging very shortly with something new.

I will probably use some of the guff I have written previously to fill out the pages of my new adventure.

I will admit I am sad that more people didn't read this blog of mine, but that is mainly down to me not writing often enough, or writing better things, or promoting myself properly.

That being said, I would to thank everyone who has ever taken the time to read this blog and a special heartfelt thank you to those who made the effort to comment.

A very special thank you goes to the following people who kept me going even though they didn't know it. (mainly because they are much better than I am at this malarkey):

Rob Z Tobor.

Miss Lily (and spawn)

That damned pigeon

Well, that's it from me.

Take care of each other, be nice and don't forget to spiel chick. Farewell one and all.

Bumf. (2010-2016)

Saturday, 25 June 2016

Thought For The Day.

When Tim Peake went into space (15th Dec) He missed the deaths of 

Terry Wogan, 
Ronnie Corbett, 
Burt Kwok, 
Victoria Wood, 
David Guest, 
Howard Marks, 
Garry Shandling, 
Paul Daniels, 
Glen Frey, 
Dan Haggerty, 
and Alan Rickman as well as many more that I can't remember.....

Then, just as he gets his Earth legs back, the UK leave the EU.

That poor bugger must think he's come back to a parallel Universe.

Don't anyone tell him that Wales, Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland and England are all through to the knock out stages of the football.... his have a fit!

Poor Tim.

Monday, 13 June 2016

Panini Sticker Album And The Art Of Zen

Every man needs a hobby.

A hobby needs to cover a number of aspects.

These include:

An activity that holds no purpose other than being completed.

Requirements of skill and patience.

Allow the hobbiest to concentrate and enter their own little world away from the madness that surrounds them.

It must also infuriate the hobbiests partner.

My recent hobby of choice is completing a Panini sticker album of the Euro 2016 football competition.

Each night I sit on my chair with my album on my lap and will quite happily spend an hour or so carefully opening packets of stickers before putting them in numerical order.

Then, using my specially filed nails, peel off the backs and gently place the stickers against the corresponding empty space.

The act of separating the sticker from it back is as close to Zen as any person can achieve without years of Buddhist meditation.

The same can be said of attaching the sticker into it designated slot with perfection.

Anybody who has ever pressed a sticker into place and found no bubbles, creases or overlap will always, internally, congratulate themselves on a job well done.

It's a skill that can not be taught.

Once an album is well under way the magic continues.

Normally having more than one of a thing when you don't require it can become a burden. 

Not so with stickers.

Part of the fun is having SWAPSIES.

Getting together with friends to exchange unwanted stickers can be a joyous experience with the sounds of "Got...Got...Got...NEED!" mumbled across the world from school kids to fully grown adults.

It's a pass time that transcends generations.

Then comes the day.... after weeks of hard work and effort. Beyond spending far too much money for no financial return.... comes the day your album is complete.

An Achievement of this kind is hard fought and every man, woman and child that manages to fill their whole sticker album enters into a secret league of champions that very few will ever know.

This bewilders Mrs H as well as Mrs Ste (who I am informed things this is all a waste of money).

Every now and then I look up and see the wife frowning at me.

She never says anything but I know she disapproves.... and this makes me want to do it more.

I am doing rather well with my album (better that my mate Ste anyway) and have realised something about footballers I would like to share with you today.

It is a disturbing fact that just how many footballers look like serial killers, murderers and the type of face you expect to see on an episode of crime watch.

Seriously. Look at these choice mugs and their potential crimes.


Urinating in public bins
Stealing lead off church roofs and trying to eat it

Punching a penguin
theft of post office pens

refusing to blink
chasing pigeons

Being out of focus
Damaging the cameras on Springwatch with a filthy cloth

sawing a woman in half and not even
pretending to be a magician
impersonating a young Jeff Goldblum

Accepting work as an evil overlords henchmen

So if you do ever meet a footballer on the street - hide behind your Panini sticker album and call a policeman.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

The QWERTY keyboard guide to weather

The weather is nice and sunny, although I had not thought of this when I wrote the poem bellow.
This is just typical of the British weather.

Enjoy the sunshine folks.

Quietly weeping, everyone releases their yellow umbrellas. It's only perspiring.

Another shower dribbles. 

Hear John Kettley laugh.

Zone "X" condensation vaporizes. Barometers now..... melting.

-John Kettley is a weather man-

Saturday, 28 May 2016

Beneath The Sheets: Erotic Fiction

In a vain and shameless bid to attract more viewers to this blog I have decided to write some erotic fiction.

Here goes.

"I don't think I can do this." Said Harry with nervousness tightening his throat. "I just don't think it's my kind of thing.." He gulped.

Valerie gave him a cold stern look, in that way that she always did.

Stood on the other side of the bed, her hands on her hips, Val gave Harry a raised eyebrow and said "Of course you can."

"You agreed to do this Harry. At least give it a try."

Harrys shoulders sagged and he nodded in agreement.

"It'll all end in tears." He moaned.

"Just follow my lead..." said Val as she bent over the bed. "...And do as your told!"

Harry could never be described as an alpha male and today was not a day to start new trends. But he wanted to please his wife of 27 years and always thought he was open to new experiences.

Mere minutes past before Harry found himself quickly getting out of breath.

"I'm getting cramp!" He yelped.

"Don't be silly" growled Val who was already getting fed up of her husbands clumsy - so called - technique.

"Shall I grab hold of this.." He offered helpfully

"Finger tips Harry - FINGERS TIPS!" Snapped Val.

This was not going well at all.

"Be gentle with that!" She barked.

Harry lost his grip and fumbled underneath the duvet.

His muffled apologies could be heard far below in the darkness, but Val simply shook her head at her husbands miserable efforts.

"Honestly, Harry. It's not that difficult y'know."

Elbows shuffled and cheeks turned red as they both writhed about on the bed.

"I think my legs are going to give way" Shrieked Harry.

"For goodness sake man!" Val sighed.

"Just grab hold of the teats and give them a good pull." She ordered.

Harry's eyes nearly popped out of his head , but he did as we was told gave it his all.

"Now give it a quick wipe down with your hands." Said Val as she leaned back.

"I have to do this on my own, normally y'know!"

Harry flopped down on the bed face down. Sweat dripping from face and stung his eyes.

"That wasn't so bad was it?" Val asked.

"No dear." He replied through gasping breaths.

"I never knew changing the bed sheets could so exhausting."

And with the house hold chores done, Val and Harry went down stairs and had a well deserved cup of tea and custard cream.

Sunday, 22 May 2016

Henry Hut: The Hidden Truth Behind The BBC

Henry Hut - TRUTH WIZARD- here with another of my amazing exposes.

This Time it's the BBC who are being scrutinised under the microscope of justice!

If you are lucky enough to have access to High Definition TV you will be aware of the fantstic clarity of picture available to you on dozens of channels.

One of those channels is BBC One HD, which is almost the exact same as BBC One but one very subtle difference.

Local news is not currently produced in HD quality and so during those times of day when a generic local radio has-bean and an up and coming perky fresh faced presenter try to show empathy and concern for the minature disasters, murders and post office robberies that occur in your area, anybody who tries to view in the glory that is HD is met with the video below.

If you have seen this Ident before, the chances are you changed channel or got up and made a brew.

I, however, am a lazy pig and usually can not be bothered to change the channel and will sit through a full 15 minutes of a spinning red circle (a bit like netflix when the wifi is on it's arse).

It was one dark and lonely evening whilst waiting for an episode of shouty television, (otherwise known as Question Time) that I witnessed something horrific.

The BBC do not allow you rewind or record this segment of their output and so in order to prove my theories, I had to wait until the next time it popped up on my screen.

A few days passed before I was able to see this video again and I grabbed my phone and began to record.

At the 3 minute 52 second mark I heard it..... Whilst a bunch of penguins skate around an ice rink a small child can be clearly heard to swear.

This happens again when the clock on screen says 32 seconds..


Here it is again....

It's true.

The words "F*cking Bugger" can be clearly heard twice in an official video produced and sanctioned by the BBC.

This video is broadcast at least three times a day, seven days a week and has been on our screens since 2008.

The BBC allows this.

They MUST already know it happens and are laughing at you.

Subliminal messaging has been used throughout the history of TV with varying degrees of success, but this..... THIS OUTRAGE is nothing short of the BBC sticking up two fingers to the British public.

The Queen watches shows on the BBC and I bet she has an HD TV, so she may have seen it.

The BBC hates the Queen and that is treason.

This video is shown daily on the BBC and I urge you all to try and see it.

I'm not here to tell you what to do with this information.. I'm no revolutionary. 

I am just just a deliverer of truth.

I've been Henry Hut.

You have been Facted!

I have recorded this video directly from my own TV.

It has only been edited to reduce the time it plays.

Nothing has been added visually or in audio either.

If you have access to BBC One HD you can view this video at any time that a program is not shown in HD.

Saturday, 7 May 2016

Annoyance Of The Week

They are at again...

People are going on strike.

Since the start of this blog I have warned about the NHS going strike, Teachers, bloody petrol delivery drivers having a day off because they want to.....and now.....


Children are on strike.


It seems that a group of militant left wing tree hugging, horoscope reading, hug-a-hoodie championing breeders who have named their offspring things like Champagne and Liberace, have taken upon themselves to get their children out of education (which as far as I know is a crime) so that they can have a walk in the woods instead of "suffering PTSD" from doing bit of maths and English.

As far as I understand it, there has been a test for small children which required them to do some sums and answer some questions about verbs and whatnot.

Some of the questions were seen as being too difficult.

I can appreciate parents being a bit miffed about this. But they are blaming the government when they should be blaming the teachers.

I'm not going to claim that I know what subjunctive adverb is... and I don't really care.

I was never taught that kind of stuff at school.

I have never knowingly failed at anything due to my lack of understanding of relfexive pronouns or Qualitative adjective (yes I had to look those up). But that is not the point.

The point is that teachers are being asked to teach this kind of stuff and are failing.


Is failing the right word... or should that be refusing?

It really falls into two catagories.

1) The tests ARE too hard, but when teacher have been preparing their class to take these tests, they have been unable or unwilling to do the graft required in order to achieve the required standards of knowledge the children need to cometently fulfil the task in hand.... ie- teach the little gits what an adverb is.

2) The tests ARE too hard, but instead of informing parent that these tests are actually a test of teachers ability to pass on knowledge and not a pass/fail for children, the teachers have sacrificed the potential for kids to learn things in lieu of having ANOTHER DAY OFF JUST AFTER A BANK HOLIDAY.

It has been noted before on this blog that strikes always occur in and around bank holidays or when the weather is nice.

This is no coincidence. 

I do have some sympathy for teachers and doctors and truck drivers and miners... but only so much.

Unions are fast as lightening to call a strike and make a big song and dance about fighting the powers that be and how nobody knows their struggles etc, but we all have difficult stuff to be getting on with.

I had to scrape human waste from a toilet today. It won't be the first time and it wont be the last, but that is part of my job and I crack on with it.

I have not had a pay rise in over 5 years.

I earn such a small amount for the work that I am not eligible pay National Insurance.

I doubt that if I knew the difference between a non-gradable adjective and a comparative adjective (still non the wiser for looking it up) I would have a less messy job and more money... as it is - I chose this work and I enjoy my life for what it is.

Allowing children to go on strike is exactly the same as saying "Don't bother doing anything you don't want to do because trying hard is not worth it. Just go off in a strop and eventually you will get your own way."

I'm glad I don't have kids because they would get bullied to high Heaven for being forced to go into school every day and learn stuff.

Sunday, 1 May 2016

Cpt America: Civil War. A 6 out of 10 review

Followers of this blog will know that every time I watch a film I have to give a score of 6 out of 10.

The reason for this is that any film maker that sees a review of their film that is higher (or indeed lower) will either not bother making any more films as they think they are not good enough or they will think that they have reached the pinnacle of their carer and not bother to make any more brilliant films.

This can make it a tad difficult to rate a bad film good or and good film ... not as good as it actually was.

With that in mind here is my SPOILER FREE review of Captain America: Civil War.

Not long after I began to collect comics a major event happened in the Marvel Universe.

It was called CIVIL WAR and revolved around an accident by some lesser heroes that got everyone in trouble and required all heroes to register their real identities in order to be accountable for the damage they caused during their many many fight with baddies and the like.

The resulting story line saw heroes pitted against each other as some fought to keep their names a secret to protect loved ones whilst others believed that doing what you want when you want without any supervision was fool hardy and not in the interest of the greater good.

Heores died. Giant man being one and even Captain America himself did not make it out alive.

The film which shares it's name is different in many respects.

There is still the requirement for superheroes to step up and be accountable for their actions and subdued to only act when advised. This, along with [redacted for spoilers]  causes Cap and some others to take a stand and fight against former friends and colleagues including Ironman.

The film plays to this stand off extremely well and brings in some characters from other films to highlight that the many films we have been spoilt with so far are all connected.

There are moments of real tension, humour is subtle but works in nearly all cases and the fight scenes are mainly fantastic.

This film is going to be a huge success and for all the right reasons.

It has form - Previous films building up to this are of a high standard and flow into this latest outing perfectly.

It stays true to the Marvel way - Film goers know these characters well and there is very little or no need to hold the audiences hand and explain every little detail.

There are moments of real tension that come from nowhere and made me gasp out loud.

It is far superior to the mess that was Batman v Superman.

It does however fail in one or two small areas.

It's a little nag of mine but I have never been happy with the way that the special effects for Ironman are done when Tony Stark take off his helmet.

It's a bit messy and obvious to a nerd like me that it's all "computery" and CGI... I can live with it, but it is an oversight that could be done better.

There are also one or two lose ends that are not really dealt with by the end of the film, but I am willing to admit that my concentration was shifted once or twice as by the psychopathic fat pig in the row in front who threatened my friend (a long story that doesn't need going into here) and by the millennials (with their hair done that way that all teenagers have it and skinny jeans) sat next to me who found impossible to sit still for more that five minutes without talking and rustling their bags of popcorn.

Overall the film was great and well worth another viewing.

It also left this viewer wanting more and seems to promise that this story is not over as there WILL be scores to settle.

For these reasons I feel it is only fair to give this film a six out of ten rating.

Saturday, 30 April 2016

TV Ideas For Sale

The following are a list of possible TV detective shows available for sale to producers and TV executives.

Please email at the usual address for prices and availability.

Knife and Fork.

Detectives John Knife and TV Chef Sally Fork solve food related murders whilst attempting to keep their sordid love affair a secret from a very curious Food Critic.

Wynd and Raine.

Dave Wynd, a reformed stalker turned snitch for the old bill, is forced to team up with PC Jeff Raine, a secret paraplegic pickpocket, to find the real culprit behind a series of attacks on window cleaners. They say opposites attract, but will these two former friends be able to reconcile their hatred for each other in order to stop another murder?

Fingers and Thumbs

Bill Fingers is on the run for a crime he did not commit. Tina Thumbs is the FBI agent sent to track him down and bring him to justice.

Bill Fingers is trying find the man who has set him up and leaves a trail of clues for Agent Thumbs to follow in this mind bending thriller.
*please note this title is no longer available*

Head and Shoulders.

When Dean Head was pronounced DOA, his retinas were surgically implanted into the eyes of Chief Inspector Colin Shoulders who is now able to communicate with the ghost of Dean via looking at things.

Together, they solve mysterious crimes in the coastal town of Moss Green.

Tea and Toast.

Timothy Tea is on loan from the Chinese police force and has been partnered with maverick cop Xander Toast. On the hunt for the Mafia Kingpin, these two misfits must work together and sort stuff out and try to keep international relations from boiling over with hilarious consequences.

Coughs and Sneezes.

12 years sober, Hank Coughs has been handcuffed to local sex offender Jake "Sneezes" McTavish and they must stay connected to each other for the next 48 hours or another orphan will be killed on live TV.

Together, they solve riddles and puzzles set by the killer while trying to find out just WHO is responsible!

All these police procedurals are available for script development and/or theatrical production for the "Criminally" low low price of £££'s

Send off for your script NOW and receive a free pamphlet of half thought up running gags, cliff-hanger endings and plot twists*

*limited supply t&c's apply.

Saturday, 23 April 2016

Racism shrouded in idiocy.

I'm not sure if any of you had the pleasure of watching.. no, that not the right word is it... misfortune? is that the word?... I don't know... anyway, Did anyone see the recent Britain First Political campaign video on the TV recently?

I didn't.

But I do have a Twitter account and there were a lot of people tweeting about it so I thought I would have a look at it.

Here it is in all it's glory.

Wow - right?

Just wow.

It should go without saying that the vast majority of was said in that video is laughably stupid, wrong and painfully inaccurate. 

But I am not all that offended by a bunch of idiots spouting verbal diarrhoea as I still hold out on that last thread of human sensibility that these nasty people will amount to nothing and that their strange ramblings about migrants and Europe will be ignored or, even better, questioned and corrected as the London Mayoral voting begins.

I don't live in London, but some people do (so I have heard) and I hope that people make a choice is right for them, regardless of who they chose.

There is however, a very small chance that somebody as dangerous as Britain First will be voted in.
There is a very strange sense of failure around our main political parties.

To be fair, there always has been as newspapers and websites continuously find examples of fraud, misconduct and outright illegal behaviour of those we entrust to run our country.

But recently I have found myself at my wits end and I fear that others are in an even worse state of hatred of the constant lies and disrespect that MP's continue to show each other and the people who put them in power.

I worry that something terrible could go wrong and people like Britian First find themselves in positions of power.

It's one thing to worry about terrorists. They are a bad bunch and no mistake.

But, for me at least, I think there would be MORE to worry about if single minded extremists... (yes that's right White Extremists... imagine that) like Britain First become the decision makers.

It would be an unmitigated disaster.

Britain First do not represent my views in any way, shape or form. They really don't.

But worse than their points of view is the quality of that video.

Seriously folks, that video is painful to watch.

Laughably so.

From the weird camera work, weird cut aways and bizarre sound editing. The whole thing is a mess.

I doubt anybody reviewed that video and thought "That's bloody brilliant that is. Lets call it a night and beat up a black for not being British enough."

Nope. I've just checked and it never happened.

It was offensive to the human senses.

We have spent millions of years trying to evolve to a more sophisticated physical state so we are able to reach a higher plane of awareness.

Our eyes can focus on singular actions, our hands have opposable thumbs which allow us use tools and create fine works of art.

Our brains can control our every movement. We use them to create wonderful worlds in our mind and can evoke intense emotional responses from music... but the best Britain First can do is drag a few dullards out on the street and get them to read from a card... VERY VERY woodenly.

The whole thing reminded me of this brilliant bit from Stewart Lee, which sums up my whole disdain for Britain First and their like and I offer it up as a counter balance for that stupid video at the top.