Stop Being Happy

Next time you are out and about, going to work, shopping, running away from the police because you refuse to put on pants (what's wrong with you - put on some pants).... when you find yourself surrounded by other members of the human race, take a little moment to study the faces of the people around you.

Is anybody smiling?

The chances are there will be at least one.

That person is a moron.

There is never a reason to smile or show any other emotion other than contempt and hatred for your fellow humans.

They are all idiots.

Smiling idiots even more so.

A recent study by SCIENTISTS tells us that being happy - even for a moment - is more dangerous than running with scissors.

I have never understood the need to be happy.

I have spent most of my adult life (and a fair portion of my childhood) being miserable.

I am content being fed up and grumpy.

It's great.

Being happy is stupid.

People who smile for no reason, other than witnessing the failures of others, is no way to live.

Nature has spent millions of years evolving creatures that bite, eat, prey, screw each other over and tear apart any other living being that is weaker than itself.

It is the law of things.

Dog-eat-dog.

Not dog-gives-cat-a-cuddle-because-diddums.

If dogs started cuddling cats or fish began to offer lifestyle advice to giraffes we would be in a right mess.

But people do it.

They go out of their way to "help" and cheer each other up.

idiots.

Happy people are emotional unstable time bombs completely unprepared for the moment the universe lets them down.

They live their lives by the rule of horoscopes and lucky charms.
They truly believe that being nice to others will somehow create a state of Zen and they in turn will receive good fortune.

Happy people deserve everything they have coming their way.

If you smile at a stranger you are inviting a potential psychopath to rip of your face with their bare hands and use it to take over your life.

Saying "cheer up, it might never happen" is not only a smug and ignorant way to get punched but is also a valid excuse for somebody to kick you in the unmentionables and there is not a court in the land that will defend you.

Being happy, or trying to make others happy,goes against everything that makes sense.

One day you won't be happy and then you will be doubly unhappy because you miss being happy.

Creating a mindset of melancholy encourages a state of balance in life.

Science has now shown us that being happy will cause DEATH.

Miserable buggers, like me, live longer.

Be Happy?

Be somewhere else chum and take your happy clappy self righteous "worst thing happen at sea" bullshit somewhere else.

Solving The Worlds Problems: #3 Relativity.

The Theory of relativity is NOT one of the worlds greatest problems, I know, but it is one that ADDMAN asked me solve for him and the kind of guy who doesn't want anyone to be bottom of the class and look stupid if it ever came up in a pub quiz.

So with that in mind lets sort science out once and for all.

Einstein, That guy who was famous for sticking his tongue out in photos, was not just a crazy clown, but he also helped to invent the nuclear bomb with his equations.

He also made some statements about how space works which was an answer to a question nobody had ever thought of and that makes him wither really clever or a time waster.

One day, whilst letting his tongue hang out of his mouth for no reason, Albert decided to come up with a theory as to why he was always lumbered with sitting next to sweaty weirdo's on the train.

Every night he would leave the lab and head off home on the last train and although the carriage was empty, the first stop always allowed enough time for Jeff the local drunk to get on and start talking to anyone who would listen about how he "Should sober up but refuses because getting shakes reminds him of how unfair his life has been".

Albert knew there had to be a reason for this unfortunate state of affairs and got his note pad out one day and began to write.

After a few nights of scribbles, Albert decided to give up trying to solve the worlds problems and came up with something that appears to be very scientific and clever but ultimately makes no sense.

Here's what he said.

Space is like some kind of rubber sheet with a bowling ball in the middle. Everything is stretched and not a straight line. So if you roll a penny down the sheet, it will pass the bowling ball and fly off in another direction.... therefore you can't travel faster than the speed of light."

He showed it to all the other scientists at the works bash (it was dress down Friday and Dorothy's birthday) and everybody said "Well done Albert. You are the bestest".

He was wrong though.

Part of his theory was that space and time are the same thing. This is rubbish.

Space is the distance between your house and the pizza shop. Time is how long it takes to get delivered (plus or minus a free garlic bread).

Special relativity states thus: 

"

1. The laws of physics are the same for all observers in uniform motion relative to one another (principle of relativity).
2. The speed of light in a vacuum is the same for all observers, regardless of their relative motion or of the motion of the light source."

This is nonsense,

The laws of physics can not be the same for all observers. Things in the distance appear to move slower than things up close.

This called the Doppler effect. A sound changes pitch as it moves toward or away from you, but in the police car, the sound is constant.

This is also the same for viewing the car.

From a distance a moving vehicle seems to be moving slower until it gets closer. As it does, it appears to move faster until it reaches you and then WHOOSH! it is out of you eye line unless you move your head to follow its path. 

The second point become mute when we introduce Rainbows into Einstein's universe.

Rainbows split the light into its various wavelengths. Particles of light at one end of the spectrum travel at differing lengths than those at the other end (this is how we see colours). 

This MUST mean that the individual particles of light (Light has mass and therefore is a physical thing) are moving further at one end of the spectrum than other.

Because they all reach their destination at the same time we must conclude that some light (colours) travel faster than others.

Therefore, at the very least, Light travels faster than light in some circumstances.

BOOM! SCIENCE Y'ALL!

But nobody ever thought to sit down and work this out.

The thing is, space is nothing like a rubber sheet.

For a start Rubber sheets are flat and space goes off in all directions. 

Plus things... almost ALL THINGS are not bowling balls (with the exception of bowling balls) and the rest is just gibberish.

We have already shown on this blog how it is possible to travel faster than the speed of light and that's just a solid gold fact.

But Einstein is everywhere and everyone things HE is awesome. Just because he had scruffy hair and stuck his tongue out a lot..... a bit like those oddballs who end up sitting next to me on the train.

The guy he hated seeing on the train was probably just his reflection.



I hope that makes a bit of sense to you all.

If you have a burning question you would like answered. Feel free to ask in the comment section below and I will do my best to figure something out.

998 - Stephen Hawking Got It Wrong

I have spoken about Stephen Hawkings before. And today is no different.

Stephen Hawkings is full of crap.

There. I’ve said it.

I don’t care that he is in a wheelchair. I don’t like the guy.

“Oh you are being racist… or what ever the word is for disabled people” you might say.

But you would be wrong. I just said not two sentences ago, that I don’t care that he is in a wheeled chair and I don’t.

What I don’t like about him is that everybody else sucks up to him BECAUSE he is in a wheel chair.

The man wrote a book years ago that became world best seller. But nobody read it. They bought it for two reasons. One because he is disabled and two so they could clever by having a copy on their coffee table.

I on the other hand have little time for the man. He is worse than Miley Cyrus. They are both idiots who believe in the hype made over them by their followers. It’s all gone to his head.

Somebody felt that they had to patronise him with his ideas – ideas that would have got anybody else thrown out of science club and told to never come back. But just because people think they should treat Stephen differently, it’s now all they can do to associate themselves with this man who is no more cleverer than the guy who invented the wind up radio or the bloke who invented the MUTE button on remote controls. Actual designs that make a huge difference in todays lifestyle.

But why am I ranting about a man I have never met, you wish you could ask and a get a word in edgeways…

Give me a minute and I shall explain – PROPERLY!!

I recently watched a NICE video (not like the other one from the last post) that promised to explain  all about Stephen Hawkings theories in an easy to understand patronising tone.

It did it’s job very well.

Unfortunately it’s all bull poop.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=D6lFGJdwRyo

Above is the video in question. Give it a watch and we shall carry on.

1^st the video asks the question WHAT IS AT THE CENTRE OF A BLACK HOLE? It starts by saying that “black holes are incredibly dense objects” and then contradicts itself by saying “EVERYTING IS CRUSHED TO A POINT OF INFINITE DENSITY, PUNCHING A HOLE THROUGH THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE”

Now this may seem plausible. That is until you actually put some thought into it.

Just because we call them black holes it does not mean they are actual holes.

They are, as has already been established, objects of incredible density. That is to say they are well heavy. Too heavy to pick up.

A black hole is created by a collapsing star. At the end of its life, the star shrinks in size but keeps its weight. This means that the mass of the star increases.

It becomes so small but still very heavy that its gravitational pull increases to such a degree that the wave lengths of light (which is energy but also has mass and is therefore effected by gravity) is unable to escape the pull of the gravitational pull of the collapsed star.

It is not, as the video suggests, a giant space plug. It just isn’t.

The video then goes on to say (with a straight face if you believe it) that a vacuum isn’t empty but is full of particle that pop in and out of existence from nowhere…..

Well, yes of course they do Stephen (nurse…. NURSE it’s time for his medication…)

It has been proven time and again by scientists and COMMON SENSE that things can not “pop into existence” nor can they disappear either for no reason.

EVERYTHING HAS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION.

For something to exist, something else must have created it. Conversely, if something ceases to exist it must still exist in the form of matter and/or energy and visa versa. This is one of the fundamental laws of physics.

I don’t make the rules…. And neither does Hawkings and his crew.

The video brushes over any explanation for this twaddle and continues by saying that Hawkings radiation forms when black holes separate two particles from the edge of its range of power and that the particles that may or may not have existed just moments before are actually of a negative mass.

This must mean that these little bits of “stuff” repel other things as mass is indicative of gravity. The more mass the stronger the gravitational pull.

These little buggers eat away at the hole within the black hole (somehow washed over in place for a pretty drawing) until there so little left that all logic flies out of the window and everything blows up.

This is of course impossible for two reasons.

Firstly, all that would be left, according to Hawkings is the hole at the centre of the black hole and some particles that have NEGATIVE MASS.

So that means we have a nothing (the hole) and something’s that are less than nothing (negative particles).

Lets make that into a math solution shall we?

0 + -0 = KABOOM!!!!

Nothing plus minus nothing is actually nothing unless there is an issue with my nine digit display scientific calculator, and I doubt very much that there is because it has a life time warranty and loads of science buttons make it do and error sign when I press them.

Also, when it explodes, just after it has disappeared, it will be with the force of EXACTLY 1,000,000 nuclear bombs…. That’s handy isn’t it.

Carrying on from this the video seems to think that Stephen Hawkings came up with the idea of the Big Bang as the start of existence.

But I choose to go one better and ask – “ What caused the big bang then? Smarty pants!”

Over to you Prof.

I eagerly await your response.

Is this the beginning of the end?

What a curious curiosity it is that there are some people in this world of ours who chose to allow themselves to become infatuated with the mystical and illogical beliefs of horoscopes.

Not only that but superstitions can effect a good number of right minded individuals to a point of near catatonic hysteria.

For some it the number 13, or the date of Friday the 13th.

Good product placement or just bad luck?

For others it is any given number of black and white avian creatures that happen to congregate near to where they might be at that time, resulting in a myriad of strange rituals and salutes.

Crossing felines, disrupting the coherent structure of polish metal incased in glass, putting shoes on tables. All of these and more can bring some folks to a complete stand still if the correct procedure is not partaken within a nanoseconds thought.

Bad luck, good luck, fate and my own particular favourite – DESTINY, are all complete and utter toss.

I fail to understand how anyone can believe themselves to be so important in the grand scheme of existence that other living creatures who live primarily on instinct alone for most of their fleeting lives are able to collect together in groups of four and settle just within viewing distance of your eye to inform you that “it’s a boy”.

Who the flipping heck, if they had the power to utilise a half dozen mindless creatures in such a way, would spend their afternoon arranging four magpies to sit and/or fly across your field of vision to let you know “Gold” is the answer.

Idiots.

Piss off you.

Walking under ladders I understand. There is a logical reason for not walking under a ladder, but it nothing to do with bad luck.

Bad luck does not exist.

Nor does good luck.

A mutated trifolium leaf can not in any way shape of form bestow upon a person any form of better fortune.

It can not.

That does not happen.

pretty, but it's just some weather...

Nor does refracted light from a downpour of water that offers a double spectrum of visible colour make things special.

Its just nature and science.

It is what it is.

People who believe in lucky numbers and live by those self imposed restrictions when offered said numbers are simpletons at best.

Having said that I do think the end neigh for Bumferry Hogart

(it could be sooner than I think if I catch myself using the third person narrative like that again!)

DOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

The portents of doom have been hovering around me this week.

First of all, and possibly most disturbingly, on returning from a shopping trip I discovered my bag for life had ripped.

All in all, not a good sign, I’m sure you will agree.

No, you really don't want to see my singed gut!

Then on Thursday whilst burning some incriminating evidence/ business paperwork in the searing mini heat wave we have all been enjoying, I found myself stood too close to the bin and burnt my belly button. (you really don’t want to see a picture of that!)

A close call indeed.

They say bad luck comes in threes, so this weekend I will ensure I will be keeping my distance from any black cats, ladders, broken mirrors, upturned knives, slippery floors, and loose electrical fittings.

You just can’t be too careful these days.

I’ve never considered myself the sort of person who believes in luck or good fortune.

I am not a believer in any religious  faith (although I have great admiration for those who do) and only choose to utter the words of a deity when stubbing my toe upon a corner of a table and such.

Luck is not something that follows around. Fate is a construct of the human mind. Destiny is just a simple device used by literature and the fantasy media to give meaning to a loosely formed plot.

That said, I have bought loads of tickets for this weeks Euro lottery so - Fingers crossed!!!

ps- Sorry if the colour of the words is a bit weird but I don't know what I have done to break the internet again. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

Politics And Time Travel Should Never Mix

Scientists have a lot to answer for these days. Not long ago (although it could soon be a bit longer ago than it should be) the men who live their lives in long white coats and thick rimmed glasses concluded that something travelled faster than light and straight way everyone started to believe that time travel just might be possible. With this in mind the UK government is about to trial a process that mean we would all be forced to travel in time faster than we want. It’s no coincidence that the legal speed limit is being upped to 80mph when the suits in charge want start messing with the laws of physics. Wibbly wobbly timey wimey...bullshit So i TELL YOU NOW - Don’t bother getting out of bed tomorrow. In fact, it would probably be best for us all if we didn’t even bother to wake up for quite a while. The last drops of Common sense and logic have finally been frittered away by the idiots in charge. There is absolutely no point carrying on anymore because someone who is paid real money to do things has had the brass neck to speak out loud with the following idiotic idea. any minute.....now? The following is a direct copy and paste from www.parliment.co.uk/pa/cm201011/cmbill/007/11007.i-i.html I have not made this up. A BILL TO REQUIRE THE SECRETARY OF STATE TO CONDUCT A CROSS-DEPARTMENTAL ANALYSIS OF THE POTENTIAL COSTS AND BENEFITS OF ADVANCING TIME BY ONE HOUR FOR ALL, OR PART OF, THE YEAR; In a nut shell, some big wig down in that there London town wants to move the clocks forward by one hour so that we will be in line with the rest of Europe.  I simply cannot get my head around the proposal of this. On the BBC website (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-15490249) they try to explain it with this, which just makes things worse: “It would see the UK adopt Central European Time, with BST plus one hour in summer and GMT plus one in winter.” Essentially we would be travelling ahead of ourselves compared to this time last year, for three years without putting the clocks back and we would skip an hour further in time come autumn. We wouldn’t put the clocks back for a couple of years so it will seem to stay lighter for longer when it gets dark. (?) I think. Ziggy says there's a 94.9% chance we're screwed. It this bill gets passed we will all be living the life of Sam Beckett in quantum leap. Jumping around and messing up our lives even more with only a sex pest hologram for company.... OOOOOOOH boy!