The QWERTY keyboard guide to weather

The weather is nice and sunny, although I had not thought of this when I wrote the poem bellow.
This is just typical of the British weather.

Enjoy the sunshine folks.


Quietly weeping, everyone releases their yellow umbrellas. It's only perspiring.

Another shower dribbles. 
Flowing. 
....Great...

Hear John Kettley laugh.

Zone "X" condensation vaporizes. Barometers now..... melting.



-John Kettley is a weather man-

2015: A 6 out of 10 review

Here we are then.

The end of another year.

Twelve months of nonsense are behind and as the last moments of 2015 crumble and shrivel into dust we all begin to think about the future and which New Years resolutions we are going to bugger up first.

But before that, let's take a look back at all the things we screwed up, messed about with, broke and ruined for everyone else with the year that will forever be known as "2015"


JANUARY:

Ethel Lang, who was the oldest living person in the UK, died at the ripe old age of 114. This kick started a spate of deaths throughout the year, with a notable absence of new famous people being born. 

I have been warning folks for years that we are running out of famous people and this is the main reason we have to put up with shite shows like "Big Brother" and "Dancing yer tits off" and "You might remember my face off a thing from the 1990's but now I'm going to cook a thing" in a pathetic attempt to redress the balance.

It's not working.

It feels a bit warmer than usual...

Also in January, Sir John Chilcot says he will hand in his homework regarding just how guilty Tony Blair was during the Iraq war "...later". As of writing this post, he still has not done it. 


FEBRUARY:

Those dirty minded beggers in the House of Commons made it a law that 3 people could make a baby.
I have spent the past ten months trying to work out the logistics of how this would be possible.
I am assuming that you would need at least one willing lady to take part and then, for the sake of making up the numbers, at least two men (having two women would really be a redundancy unless she was there to mop brows or hold somebodies legs... I don't know).
I have searched on line for videos of how this 3 person partenthood would work, but I am not sure those who took part in the videos were actual scientists and in some cases knew how babies were made!!!! 
I'll be honest and admit some of them made my glasses steam up.
Anyway, it astonishes me how UK MP's think they can just make up laws that change how babies are made.... the nerve of these people!

Everybody said how cold it was, although the UK did receive 111% of is average sunshine.


MARCH:

Nick Clegg was still Deputy Prime Minister (Yes, that was this year!!!)

There was a partial solar eclipse in the UK which resulted in a lot of people being confused, looking up at the clouds and not understanding how the sky works. idiots.

Jeremy Clarkson punched a man for not getting his tea ready. This resulted in Jezza leaving the BBC and eventually getting more money and a new TV show, which just goes to show that violence DOES work.

Fred the Weatherman is sent to jail for being a filthy bastard. The rest of the weather for the year went nuts with strong winds, wet rain and hot sunshine in between.

APRIL:

Over £200 million worth of jewellery is stolen from a lot of rich peoples safety deposit boxes. It soon turns out that the thieves are a bunch of pensioners and everybody falls in love with the romantic idea of OAPS being able to get away with theft. To this day, most of the swag is still out there somewhere!!!

We had 143% sunshine according to the Met office (which is impossible!)


MAY:

A Famous person is born!
Little princess Charlotte pops out of her mummies tummy in the month of May to much joy of Royalists and TV reporters who spent, what felt like, weeks outside of a "hospikul" in order to tell the world a woman "did poo out a human from her most royal foo-foo".

It was neither confirmed nor denied by palace officials if three people were involved in the conception.

There was also an election in the UK in which it appears that the party that everybody voted for (conservatives) was NOT the party that people wanted to be in power, which proves my argument that democracy doesn't work.

Asking the general public to take responsibility for their own actions is like expecting more than three people to read this far down this post without clicking off to watch a cat video.

Temperatures across the UK ranged from -5.6C to 23.8C. Crazy.


JUNE:

This month saw a nationwide poll to find a national bird for the UK. The public's favourite candidate was a Robin (or Christmas Pigeon as I call it). Which just goes to show how unimaginative the UK is. idiots.

Winds in Wales reached 78MPH which is against the law.


JULY:

The UK begins to melt as temperatures reach double figures. People walk around saying "ooh, it's hot isn't it?" Just in case you didn't realise why you were sweating like Lord Sewel....who....

...was being investigated by police after he was filmed taking cocaine (dickhead dust) with prostitutes.
The naughty man.

It rained like buggery in parts of Blighty and everybody got wet socks.


AUGUST:

Cilla Black dies, bringing us back into the red when it comes to the dead/alive famous people ratio. (shiiit!)

Flash floods hit the UK again and thousands of BBQs went unused across the nation.



SEPTEMBER:

The world of politics goes nuts when a stand in geography teacher walks through the wrong door and becomes the leader of the Labour party. He installs a Phil Jupitus look-a-like as his deputy.

In a last desperate bid to stop famous people from popping their cloggs and leaving us without anyone to vote for in "I'm a Celeb" MPs reject a bill to allow "the right to die". The audible sigh of relief from the house of Lords can be heard across London.


We had a Super Moon and nutters bleated on about the end of world which never happened.

The weather this month was rather forgettable, which ruins the running gag about reporting the weather in a yearly review.

OCTOBER:

England introduces a 5 pence charge on plastic bags and everybody goes nuts. People could not have been more confused if a law had been passed allowing 3 people births or stopping people from dying.

A tree fell over somewhere and it rained some of the time. The weather really is shit in this country.


NOVEMBER:

It is still warm and nobody knows when summer will end. People stop talking about warm it is... for one week.

The American Spending holiday, BLACK FRIDAY returns the UK and in typical British style, our nation shrugs it off and has a lie in, refusing to be made to look like feral beasts.


DECEMBER:

A UK man is sent into space in order to cool down a bit as the weather IS STILL TOO WARM!

Everybody wants to ban Donald Trump from coming to the UK because he has been talking bollocks. In the same week, Katie Hopkins said a thing and Pierce Morgan appears on BBC Question Time and the nation hangs it's head in shame.

And the stuttered to a halt with what may be the least stimulating headline EVER:

Parts of UK have mildest December night for decades, experts say

...The hell is wrong with you people?

And that was the year 2015.
There were wars and terrorists seem to make a few headlines, which made things a bit crap and that is really the reason why this year gets a Thoughtless Gibberish 6 out 10.

A Secret Is Finally Revealed (part 2)

Previously on Thoughtless Gibberish...

"Can I marry your daughter?"

"no!"

..An now the conclusion to ASIFR.

Last time we learned that somehow me and Mrs H had fallen into the trap of agreeing to marry each other and I wanted to get the permission of her dad, Richard/Dick (real name Brain) and he had said the following…

“NO!”

Now we shall learn the outcome of that shocking revelation and what happened next!

Me: “NO?”

Brian: “Do I have to pay for the bloody thing?”

ME: “Nonono, we’re sorting all that out…”

Brian: “Do I have to wear a suit?”

Mrs H: “Yes dad, you HAVE TO WEAR a suit. You cannot come to me wedding in you traksuit pants and walking boots.”

Joan (mother of Mrs H): “Do I have to wear a frock?”

Mrs H: “Yes mother – you have to wear a frock?”

Joan: “Do I have to wear a hat?”

Mrs H: Christ almighty!! NO, if you don’t want to wear a hat, you don’t HAVE to wear a hat!”

Joan: “Hmm… I do have those Mickey Mouse ears somewhere. I could wear those…”

Mrs H: “Oh god! That’s it! NONE OF YOU ARE COMING TO MY WEDDING!”

At this point I notice Gary, Mrs H’s brother smiling. “Well I’m really pleased for you both. I can’t wait”

ME: “Thanks Gary.”

So it appears that one out of three of Mrs H’s family are happy for us to get wed.

Conversely and for the interest of fairness I should point out that the reaction from my family was along the lines “Bloody hell, it’s taken you long enough”

Families are great.

In conclusion Me and the soon to be Mrs Mrs H will be legally tied together later on this year.

It is at this point I would like to point out if anyone is looking for work you might want to seek out something in the lines of a registrar. They get paid a bloody fortune (well It’s cost me a bomb so far) and seem to work very little hours in an office at the back of the library drinking tea all day. 

*Sorry for the delay and keep you all in suspense but I have been very busy trying to break my back digging up all this snow and ice. Easter is only a few days away and The campsite is nowhere near ready. We have had to cancel a lot of arrivals and if this weather keeps up there will be no money coming in and We will be having Dog for tea!

New Look - Same Old Gibberish

Yea, that's right.

Something is different isn't it.

It's this new dog sick green background and funky parchment paper like background I've got going on.

Cool isn't it?

no?

Ah, well. We'll see how it goes for now.

If you get a headache or wake up with a fist full of someone else's bloodied hair and you think this blog might be to blame, let me know....

In other news, I have been let down by the British weather.

Tonight there was a huge solar storm that has cuased an unusal Aurora in the Northern Hemisphere.

You know the one. You will have seen all those amazing photos on the internet of bright green and blue swishes and swirls of the sky. The sort of pictures that you can't help to look at think "That's well been photoshopped ...init" or maybe something a little more akin to the Queen English.

Either way. It is one of my dreams to see this so-called Aurora with my own blood shot world weary eyes.
Tonight was supposed to be the night.

As the sciencey news kept rolling about Kp= values (no, I don't know either) and angular degrees of the northern hemisphere I studied my dictionary and kept running in and out looking north to see if I could catch a glimpse of the mythical night sky magic show.

I did not.

What I did see was a load of clouds and a sheep.

An artists impression of the sky at night

The sheep was on the ground in the field next door, not in the sky you understand.

The sheep looked at me and bleated in the way sheep do and I flicked it the V sign as is my want.

I came back inside and decided to change the way my blog looks and what you see now is what I decided was not as much of a mess as what I did about 7 minutes ago.

so.... that's that really.

Oh no. I just remembered...

We had a cake sale on site yesterday for that Red Nose day malarky and managed to raise £300 which is pretty good and should help to buy Lenny Henry some new jokes and hire a hitman to stop Johnathan Ross from being... well - just from being (if you know what I mean).


That's it for now.

Coming Next - A Secret Is Revealed!

Review Of The Year 2012 (part 2)

2012 has been one heck of year for me.

Look into the eyes of cold hearted killing
 machine. (see bottom for more details)

There has been quite a lot going on.

At first I thought not much had happened but as I began to strum on my harp (integral for remembering past events) I realised that this has been a very busy one.

With that said, I would like to share some of the highlights that have aged me by more than one year in the past year.

In no particular order (because I can’t quite remember what happened when) and in a “It’ll be alright on the night” style montage, here are the more memorable bits.

Mrs H fell over and broke her ankle back in June. When I say Broke try to imagine a crate full of light bulbs being fired out of a canon and hitting a brick wall made of giant fists. Her foot exploded into a million pieces and she spent the next 5 months sat on the sofa frowning at me while I typed stupid rubbish for this here blog. Whilst bed ridden I was forced to the spare room where my only company was a draft from the window and an energy saving light bulb that as we all know are as much use a normal light bulb that has been shot from a canon into a brick wall made of giant fists.

Ouch!

She is now back at work and I have the opportunity to mash the keyboard and copy and paste whatever gibberish appears on screen for your viewing pleasure. – you are welcome.

I made the great leap into being a proper grown up by passing my driving test FIRST TIME!!!

This came as a massive surprise to me as did part by driving in the wrong direction! Hahahahahahaha.

When the Queen was celebrating her Diamond Jubilee we here at the camp site had a street party and did something I am quite proud of and have only just realised I haven’t gloated about so far on this blog….

We set a world record!

Spot the celebrity Guest!

That’s right. A genuine Guinness world record!

The record itself is for the most people in different locations wearing paper hats at the same time.

Granted, it’s not the four minute mile or jumping up the highest, like what they did at the Olympics, but a proper world record has been set and that’s good enough for me.

We also had a special guest to oversee proceedings… see if you can see who is was on the picture above!

I have also been interviewed for the Caravan Channel AND the BBC radio this year, as well as having BBC Shropshire pop down to film the snow and campers when we had 2mm of front back in March.

The BBC and some snow. Proper news!

All in all it’s been a very busy year and Quite frankly I’ll be glad once it’s all over.

I probably won’t be writing much over the next couple of weeks as things are set to get very busy over the Xmas/ New year period on site.

I have somehow got to find room for 10 extra people in my house which is on bricks for new year and the campers will be coming in droves to help us celebrate the new year in our newly built barn.

If I don’t see you before then, May I wish you all a very happy winter festival period and a prosperous New year. May the idiots stay quiet and the nutters have a night off.

Stay safe.

Here’s to a very quiet 2013. Good luck to you all in whatever you do and see you on the other side.

These things EAT £1,000's worth of plants each season.
 THEY ARE VERMIN! good boy Wilson!

Normal grumpy service will continue and shockingly vast amounts in 2013.

Is this the beginning of the end?

What a curious curiosity it is that there are some people in this world of ours who chose to allow themselves to become infatuated with the mystical and illogical beliefs of horoscopes.

Not only that but superstitions can effect a good number of right minded individuals to a point of near catatonic hysteria.

For some it the number 13, or the date of Friday the 13th.

Good product placement or just bad luck?

For others it is any given number of black and white avian creatures that happen to congregate near to where they might be at that time, resulting in a myriad of strange rituals and salutes.

Crossing felines, disrupting the coherent structure of polish metal incased in glass, putting shoes on tables. All of these and more can bring some folks to a complete stand still if the correct procedure is not partaken within a nanoseconds thought.

Bad luck, good luck, fate and my own particular favourite – DESTINY, are all complete and utter toss.

I fail to understand how anyone can believe themselves to be so important in the grand scheme of existence that other living creatures who live primarily on instinct alone for most of their fleeting lives are able to collect together in groups of four and settle just within viewing distance of your eye to inform you that “it’s a boy”.

Who the flipping heck, if they had the power to utilise a half dozen mindless creatures in such a way, would spend their afternoon arranging four magpies to sit and/or fly across your field of vision to let you know “Gold” is the answer.

Idiots.

Piss off you.

Walking under ladders I understand. There is a logical reason for not walking under a ladder, but it nothing to do with bad luck.

Bad luck does not exist.

Nor does good luck.

A mutated trifolium leaf can not in any way shape of form bestow upon a person any form of better fortune.

It can not.

That does not happen.

pretty, but it's just some weather...

Nor does refracted light from a downpour of water that offers a double spectrum of visible colour make things special.

Its just nature and science.

It is what it is.

People who believe in lucky numbers and live by those self imposed restrictions when offered said numbers are simpletons at best.

Having said that I do think the end neigh for Bumferry Hogart

(it could be sooner than I think if I catch myself using the third person narrative like that again!)

DOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

The portents of doom have been hovering around me this week.

First of all, and possibly most disturbingly, on returning from a shopping trip I discovered my bag for life had ripped.

All in all, not a good sign, I’m sure you will agree.

No, you really don't want to see my singed gut!

Then on Thursday whilst burning some incriminating evidence/ business paperwork in the searing mini heat wave we have all been enjoying, I found myself stood too close to the bin and burnt my belly button. (you really don’t want to see a picture of that!)

A close call indeed.

They say bad luck comes in threes, so this weekend I will ensure I will be keeping my distance from any black cats, ladders, broken mirrors, upturned knives, slippery floors, and loose electrical fittings.

You just can’t be too careful these days.

I’ve never considered myself the sort of person who believes in luck or good fortune.

I am not a believer in any religious  faith (although I have great admiration for those who do) and only choose to utter the words of a deity when stubbing my toe upon a corner of a table and such.

Luck is not something that follows around. Fate is a construct of the human mind. Destiny is just a simple device used by literature and the fantasy media to give meaning to a loosely formed plot.

That said, I have bought loads of tickets for this weeks Euro lottery so - Fingers crossed!!!

ps- Sorry if the colour of the words is a bit weird but I don't know what I have done to break the internet again. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

The Day I Answered The Call....

Changes are coming....

By the time you read this post I will have been interviewed by BBC television.

“Wow” you may be thinking, “the BBC eh? Sounds exciting!”

But you would be very, very wrong.

The BBC rang this afternoon and asked if I would like to an interview about.... wait for it...

Wait a bit longer for real suspense....

   

The weather.

Dont say SHITorBUGGER Dont day SHITorBUGGER

 

That’s right folks. There is absolutely NOTHING ELSE going on in the world at the moment that the BBC want to talk about and have run out of experts and celebrities.

The bottom of the barrel is well and truly being scrapped to the point of poking through to the scum on the underneath.

It must be the case because of all the things I could (and on this blog – there’s plenty of BS to pick from) rant on about, the Beeb have chosen me to yak on about a bit of cold weather.

They will be coming down around 10ish and asking me questions about snow, wind and coldness.

Its going to be awful.

Mainly because I have very big doubts that there will be any snow left on the ground by mid morning and what there will be of it will mainly be tiny puddles of slush.

It does of course mean my ultimate plan of remaining anonymous will wither and die like so many daffodils in Scotland this week.

Ho-hum.

It will though give me the perfect excuse to make the small but important changes I have been planning to make to the blog and indeed my online appearance.

Embrace change as the Skrulls told us a year or so ago. (Sorry, major geek reference there)

If you are bored and some sort of weirdo why not have a search and try and find me.

What a funny way to point at Edinburgh!

I’ll be the one looking like me.