Europe and Bigger Chicken Eggs.

Now that the weather seems to have calmed down a bit, the good folks of Blighty may be forgiven to think that they nothing to talk about.

But fear not my fellow Brits, thanks to those hard working, honest, diligent (haha)members of parliament are (for once) keeping their promise to offer the public a referendum on whether or not we should stay part of the European Union.

There are those who say we should stay and there are those who say we should go and there appears to be another group who say we should leave but are not the same as the other group who say we should leave.

It's as if the Clash knew all along that this question would one day raise it's head, and are probably set to cash in bucket loads of wonga in repeat fees for their tune as the debate heats up.

But setting aside the frugal naming of classic songs for a moment, let us consider the pro's and cons of being part of the EU.

Unfortunately, at the time of writing, the ground is very thin on facts and truth.

The best I can come with are as follows:

Staying in:

• Being part of Europe means the cost of wonderful food like baguettes, Danish pastries, German beers, Italian sausage and eating in a Tapas bar will remain at reasonable levels of cost.

• If we leave Europe the cost of moving the Land mass of the UK into international waters would be astronomical and could result in more flooding and things falling off the sideboard as we rock about on the open waves. Not to mention the amount of shovels we will need to buy in order to shift over to the left a bit (probably to the other side of Ireland) 

• Leaving Europe means the average temperature will drop dramatically. Currently Mediterranean countries with more sunshine increase the average temperature of European nations by a good few degrees. Being a stand alone country will mean our average temperature will be much less and that will cause heating bills to go up.

• Staying in Europe means we will be able to watch more of those brilliant cop drama's where detectives from two nations have to work together to solve a murder that happened right on the border whilst wearing those lovely warm jumpers... love those shows!

• Staying in Europe means we can still play the Euro lottery. If we leave the EU then all you have left is the shitty UK lottery which is a proper rip off.

Leaving Europe:

• We will no longer feel the need to eat all that foreign muck like, baguettes, Danish pastries, German beers or Italian sausages in Tapas bars. yukky!

• The chances of accidentally ordering and consuming snails covered in garlic will be reduced by 75% or more.

• Nobody will have to suffer the nightmare that is the Eurovision Song Contest.

• No more shall the people of Britain have to sit through those 137 hour long Danish dramas about a jumper wearing detective who has to solve the murder of a man found on a bridge/in a tunnel/ across some kind of border. You know the one's, where everything is a shade of dullness and nobody smiles and is sad and the word melancholic is etched into your brain for all eternity and how itchy do those jumpers look... grrr.

• We won't have to share our lottery wins with Jonny Foreigner. Instead, UK gamblers will be able to spend their two pounds on an extra lottery ticket.

SO there you are.

10 perfectly valid reasons to either stay or leave.

You will, no doubt, hear a lot of twaddle and down right lies over the next few months about immigration, terrorism, employment, law making and the economy in general from politicians.

None of them will be telling the truth.

Especially the ones who tell you chickens will lay bigger eggs if we leave/stay.

So the next time you find yourself in a heated conversation about the upcoming referendum, remember this post and share it your friends.

Not only will it save your friendship/marriage/job but it will also help idiots to make up their minds properly.....probably.

10 Perfectly Valid Reasons To Hate Cows.

I hate cows.

This is fact that I have only told a select few through the years for fear of being ridiculed for my madness, but now I feel the world at large needs to know that these bovine creatures are not to be trusted under any circumstances.

So why do I distrust these animals that give us milk, burgers, leather shoes and steaks?

Here is a handy "cut-out-and-keep" guide to see for yourself.

1      Most cows are black and white. As most Herbivores tend to blend in with their natural surrounds   What sort of camouflage is that? The only conclusion is that cows should live near snowy coal mines.... BIT ODD THAT.

2      They sleep standing up.  Sleeping is a form of relaxation, that’s why we sleep lying down, but not cows.  They think it is much better to do it standing... just like when they are awake. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

3      They lie down when it rains.  When it rains I try to stand under a tree, or even better GO INSIDE! but your everyday cow simply gives up and has a lie down... idiots!

4      They have four stomachs. That's right FOUR. Why is this?  They only eat grass.  This is just pure greed.  Horses eat grass as do sheep and goats.  Between them they only have 3 stomachs.  Why do cows have 4! Even if you glued a horse a goat and asheep together they would still have less stomachs than one cow. Things are starting to weird!

5      Cows are just lazy horses and you can't prove otherwise.

6      The only good cow I ever saw was lying on plate with chip and brown sauce.

7      Communication between cows doesn’t exist.  When a cow goes MOO no other cow gives any notice.  So why do they do it? I think they are talking about me.... They ARE talking about me... they know that I know!

8      Cows poo everywhere, and then they eat the grass next to that same pile of muck. That's just vile. There's no need for it. NO NEED AT ALL!

9      Next time you pass a field that has cows in it, take a look at how they are stood. They all face the same direction. If one is standing, they are all standing. It's almost as if they are an army... just waiting for orders to attack. AAARRRGGHH..

9a)   As a side note - there is always one cow that stares at me.... not the same one ( I'm not MAD) but there it is... looking, looking.....always looking.

10    And as a final thought.  Apart from humans the most popular creature on this planet to be abducted by aliens is the cow.

        Personally, I think Cows are aliens from another dimension and are here plotting their eventual conquer of our planet.

        They create tons of methane with their farts, that is a cause of global warming. They were also the main cause of Mad Cow Disease as well.
        That was just one in a very long list of attempts to swipe control from us Humans.

        I wonder what will be their next MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooove.

hahahahahahahahahahhahahaha.