3 Years Old - Time For Change.

3 years ago today i first ventured into the murky world of blogging.

having moved away from the hustle and bustle of working in Manchester and living in a place called Oop North, I found myself living in a caravan in a field.

Home.

It’s a long story as to how I actually got there, but suffice to say I have never looked back - although Mrs H wasn’t too happy at having to put the bins out by herself.

It just me and the dog in those early days and together we spent the very cold winter of 2011 in a plastic box no bigger than your average sized skip.

We even made it onto the local news as the weather had got so cold the temperature dropped to MINUS 17 celsius.

Cold enough for Long Johns!

Starting the blog was a way for me to stop the voices in my head from taking over. I had no TV and the dog was not what you call a conversation hogger and so whist sat on the toilet (true fact) I came up with the name BUMFERRY HOGART.

It wasn’t until I registered the name that I realised I had made a mistake - these things happen when you have nobody to confer with - but it was too late to start again and so I had to go with it.

Madness ensued and random thoughts spilled out from my mind via my hands onto the keyboard and appeared on your screen through the magic of internets.

It has been an adventure. I have made some friends, gained a very small following and learnt quite a lot.

I might put some of it to use in the coming years.

But what was originally designed as a time wasting exercise to stave off boredom has become more of a hobby.

Granted it is by no means the best thing on the internet, nor is it the best blog out there. I don’t want to be. By being rubbish, it means everyone else is that little bit better by default - you are very welcome for this by the way.

But that was then. This is now and I think it’s time for a bit of a shake up.

This blog is going to go under a bit of a reconstruction.

A face lift if you will.

Regular postings will be arranged, a theme will appear over time and it will look like I have actually made some effort.

I will even make more of an effort to join in this little community we have.

I am an outsider by design, but will soon you come to know as your master… friend and together we shall entertain and educate each other in manners we can only dare dream.

Thankyou for reading and stay tuned for exciting times.

We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

5 Years ago, 4 Years ago and 5 Years ago..

Ah... the memories.

There's something going on down south.

Something to with Oli and his Limp pic’s or something.

Everybody is talking about it even Women.

But that’s for the BBC to get on with.

I'm here to talk to you today about the very special weekend we have just had here at the campsite.

Where's my Goddamned gifts ya big pink monkey?

It is not the fact that Mrs H is out of her cast and able to wiggle her toes, nor the fact that it is the dogs 4^th birthday (which we forgot, but the dog has had other things on his mind such as making holes in the fence and escaping Steve McQueen style) or even that it is the 5^th anniversary of me and Mrs H being stuck with each other (something else we forgot until this morning).

All these things happening at once must take a step back as this weekend saw the campsites 5^th birthday.

5 years old.

To celebrate this we have put up the marque and had bingo on Friday night.

Saturday was Deal or no Deal, Horse racing and a raffle.

Nobody was allowed to leave until they sign
 a legal form confirming they had a good time

Its something we do on site every year (as well at Christmas) and everyone joins in the fun.

Its been a very hectic weekend on top all the other jobs that go into making a field full of pensioners and snotty brats happy and clean.

Because of these events I have not had time to be angry at the world or allow idiots and morons to waste my time.

But not only has this weekend been a time of celebration for the site but I have also been informed that my house has been sold as well!

Yippee for me!

It’s the dawn of a new age for me. No more mortgage payments, no more bills and no more headaches!

But as one door closes anther one opens as they always say.

Have FUN, ya buggers!

The door that has just opened is called “the latest Next catalogue.”

It costs (according to Mrs H at least) around about the same money as it cost to pay for a mortgage and gas and electric and home insurance and … well you get the picture.

But what does this mean for Thoughtless Gibberish?

A very good question.

I am going to open myself to potential ridicule here, but I will leave it to you dear reader.

What would you like to see on these electronic pages?

This is how you have fun the Hogart way!

Pop you thoughts in the box below and I will see what I can do with the most original/easiest/least criminal acts.

Go Little lead Horse -GO!!!

Thanks for reading. (or if you didn’t make it this far – screw you.)

An Open Letter To You.

Hi-dee hi bloggers!

The laptops still knackered but Mrs H is at work and I’ve come inside from all this lovely sunshine to cool down a bit, which gives me the perfect opportunity to brag tell you that I’m going to be on TV again!

I’m becoming quite the media whore!

A couple of weeks ago the caravan channel (sky 213 I think) popped round to do a review of the site and it was piddling it down.

But now the sun is out, BBC Wales have decided to jump on the Bumferry bandwagon and want to come and do a LIVE report from the site.

It’s all to do with a world record breaking attempt of the most people in various locations wearing paper hats at the same time. (I’m not making this up)

Somehow we have roped into being the face of the club during this event for the BBC and so yours truly will be gurning his ugly mush to all the homes in Wales.

I’m not sure why BBC Wales are coming here because we are in Eng-ur-land but its free publicity for us so I’m keeping shtum!

Hope everyone is well and not too sunburnt.

While the laptop is still attempting to strangling itself and stopping me from spending any quality time online, I hope to download an app that will let me view all the blogs I miss reading.

If anyone knows of such a thing please let me know. I’m using Google Currents at the mo but doesn’t seem to update and I can only view posts from the end of April which is rubbish.

And the blogger app just lets me post and not view comments which again is a bit a of a let down.

Once again my apologies for not interacting as much as I would like. Fingers crossed I can get this damned thing fixed before too long.

Keep yourselves nice and tidy.

Chin Chin!

Bumf.

ps- (please note the jolly tone of this post is not indicative to the general tone of what this blog is about. Normal service will be resumed once payday comes and I can get the laptop fixed....now bugger off)

Invasion of The Massive Hariy Mutant Flying Fly.

Forget Halloween.

The word CRAZY just got serious around here....

There is a very VERY angry fly buzzing round the caravan this evening.

Its bouncing its little head off every wall, window and light fitting it can find.

I have no idea how it got in although I suspect the dog had something to do with it. He usually tries to eat anything that flies but he is ominously silent on the whole “what’s that zipping around. I think I should eat it” scenario.

Very suspicious behaviour indeed.

I have tried in vain to film this little bastard because I don’t think anyone would believe me if otherwise... so here is my best David Attenborough

 . . . . THE MUTANT MUTHA-FUDGING FLY

ps-  The shaking at the end is because the cocky little bleeder landed on my hand and I got a little scared – ha-ha I’m such a coward!

Chippy Tea

Hey. . .

Firstly I would like to take this opportunity to apologise for not blogging (is it blogging? That sounds kind of rude) posting – smearing my terrible brain trumps all over this little corner of the internet for a while.

I try to produce at least one thing for people to ignore per week, otherwise whats the point?

The thing is... I’ve had to do some real life grown up stuff.

Proper grown up.

I am in the process of selling my house..moving into another house (can't stay in the luxury of this caravan for ever) while at the same time attempting to resolve “administration issues” with one the UK’s largest banking institutions.

I don’t keep a diary. I couldn’t care less reading about what I had for tea 6 years ago or how being dumped by that girl who had Paralytic strabismus made me write some of the worst poetry EVER (it really is hard to rhyme Paralytic strabismus – abacus works at a pinch but how do you make work?!?!? .. . .the bitch)

Anyway... if I did keep a diary the last week of my life would have read something like this:

(Cue wibble wobble effect to show the passage of going back in time)

"Pure Ambrosia in a plastic tray"

MONDAY

Got back home around 8pm.

Dog walked and pizza for tea. Looking forward to getting all the decorating done. I’ve missed being home. It’s been ages.

Told Mrs B I wanted to have a proper chippy tea at some point in the week. Can’t wait!

TUESDAY

Got up nice an early and made a start. Made a fry up for breakfast. It was good.

Took dog for a walk.

Told next doors kids to get off the wall. They are just as ugly as I remembered.

Bought a new toilet seat and fixed up a treat. How manly am I?!?!

Cleaned the bathroom to professional standards, including under the loo behind the sink.

Discovered some damp at the bottom of the stairs. That needs looking into.

Chicken and salad for tea.

WEDNESDAY

Continued the manly work by cutting up some plaster board and measuring it by using my Jedi powers.

Told next doors kids to get off the wall – again.

Salad and crusty bread for tea.

Need to buy more plaster board.

THURSDAY

Received a letter claiming I owe £349.

I don’t.

This should have sorted by the bank. Shithousebastards!!!!!

Will ring them when I get back to the caravan on Monday.

Going out with the boys tonight. Will be good to catch up. Shame Dave is going to be there. I hate Dave.

Will eat some tea when I’m out with the lads.

Threw a small stone at next doors cat because it was on my wall. I think it hit one of the ugly kids.

FRIDAY.

Hung-over. 

Mrs H has gone out drinking with the girls and it’s not even 11am. The tall one out of McFly has come round to value the house.

Little oik spent all of 5 minutes peeking his under aged head in each room and then had the cheek to tell he could sell the house for much less than I paid for it.

I told him, I said “just ‘cos you’ve got little soft hairs round your mouth, doesn’t mean you should talk like a cunt!”

I didn’t say that. But I wish I had.

Told next doors kids to “GET THE FUCK OFF MY FUCKING WALL YOU FUCKING STUPID LITTLE FUCKING FUCKS!” or words to that effect. can't a guy masterbate furiously at his kitchen window in peace in more!?!?! It's health and saftey gone MAD!

Mrs H came home drunk and demanded I ordered a kebab.

Kebabs for tea.

SATURDAY

Going home to the caravan.

I've spent all my comic book money on boiler repairs and damp proofing or what ever its bloody called. it's shit being grown up. nobody ever told about this side of life. i thought it was all boozy nights out and touching up slags. rubbish!

I hate them kids next door as well. little punks.

Forgot to have a chippy tea. 

Shit!

"SOLD"

Answer To A Question Nobody Asked pt2

It is quite windy outside and the conker tree outside my caravan window is swinging wildly and so I thought now would be as good a time as any to ask the following question.

If a tree falls in the woods and there is nobody around to hear it, does it make a sound?

This is a question that has dumbfounded scientists and religious folks and general professional thinkers for billions of years. Today in a matter of just a few simple paragraphs and a couple of crappy pictures I will prove once and for all that the answer is NO.

There are of course a couple of ways to look at this problem.

The first and most obvious is with the heavy hand of science.

When a tree falls and somebody IS there to see it (maybe they pushed the tree over – who knows!?!?) the tree does a number of things.

As gravity pull the tree towards the ground fibres of the tree trunk split. This is done many, many times as the tree has many, many fibrous bits in it. FACT.

The tree also causes the air to move as it falls and crashes to the ground. All the twigs and dead birds stuck up in the branches, half decayed carcases of carrion. Avian graveyards with only maggots and flies swarming endlessly, devouring the rotting flesh of once beautiful flying creatures now nothing more than meals for the parasites and carnivorous bugs that breed endlessly.... um... sorry... ahem... 

where was I??

Oh yes.

The splitting of these little bits of stuff that trees are made out causes something called atoms to move about a bit. When atoms and other small things move about they vibrate. These vibrations  are carried through the air and reach the human ear. Once inside the ear, something I think it’s a bone, wobbles and the brain interprets this as sound.

That is what sound waves are. Wibbly wobbly bits of stuff going on somewhere.

If there is nobody to hear the wibbly wobbly bits of movement made by atoms or what ever... maybe it’s not atoms.... it might be particles – really can’t be bothered to Google – lets go with particles.. (if is not particles or atoms, then it is something like those things. Whatever the scientific word is for bits, that’s what I’m getting at here) when these particles shift around and wobble about and there isn’t a hearing implement like the ear to pick up on them, then they simple remain a vibration of air and are not technically a sound.

So in conclusion. If a tree falls and blah blah blah – the answer is a big fat no.

I could be wrong though.

The other way to look at this problem is with the power stupidity.

In this case we would simply say yes if a tree falls and nobody is around to hear it, then it would make a sound.

This rational would be followed with no proof, evidence or further analysis to solidify our point. A straight forward shrug of the shoulders to highlight our own ignorance at the world around us would be enough.

I actually like the second way best.

To the best of my knowledge there are no dead birds in the conker tree.