The Numbers Should Speak For Themselves

In light of resent news events this week I feel it is pertinent to share this sobering fact.



Today (Sunday 30th August 2015) is the 242nd day of the year.

As of this date there have been 249 instances of mass shootings in the USA. (link)


The definition of MASS SHOOTING is when 4 or more people killed.



242 days...... 249 separate occasions of MASS KILLING.


!

I just deleted a big long rant about this, but decided it wasn't needed.

That factoid should speak for itself.

What Ch'oo Talking about?

Whilst reading an online forum (about Spiderman of all things) I came across a comment by (what I assume is an American) who asked the question “what does toss mean, and why would it be amusing to UK readers?”

The answers were without any attempt to instil any amount of humour or cheeky double entendre.

Shame really.

But this got me thinking and reminded me of what it was I wanted to write about last week but never got round to because of Mrs H and her bloody foot and hospital visits. (she is doing fine by the way)

Although we speak the same language across the water there are many differences between the usage of the English language.

The Americans have, as a matter of fact, mutilated our common tongue in many ways. And, unfortunately us Brits, for the most part (especially on this blog) are terrible at using what some call the greatest language in the world.

English is spoken all over the world (even in parts of Wales so I’m told) and often with superb accuracy and intelligence.

Quite often at the campsite, we have campers from different parts of Europe and even further, arrive and I am always astonished and humbled by how eloquent these guests to our little island can communicate in my mother tongue.

Most recently a young German girl (by young I mean early 20’s – which makes me feel very old at 32) by the name of Madaline came and wanted to stay for one night in a tent.

It was only because of the licence plate of her car that I had any inclination that she was not British. Her use of English was excellent. It wasn’t the broken worded point and shout style of communication I would be forced to resort to if I were abroad in another country.

No.

This was a fully involved, interesting, educational and fun chat. We talked about where she had been, how long she was in touring around the country for and where she was from.

I understood everything she said perfectly, and she could follow me if with my fat mouthed northern twang.

After showing her to her pitch and allowing her to settle for the evening I walked back and it struck me just how ignorant I am at not being able to speak or understand any other language other than my own.

I had French lessons and German at school. But the only thing I ever learnt back then was how to say my name (half of that sentence is my own name, so its not even slightly impressive to say that) and the other was how to get the cinema.

Learning how to ask when visiting a foreign country, where the cinema is, is possibly the most stupid thing to learn mainly because if I am unable to find my around a French town due to my inability to understand words then what the bloody hell am I going to do once I get into the cinema that will no doubt be showing French films, in French.

Even if they show US or English films the chances are they will be dubbed in French for the French because I will be in France.

That is why I never really learnt how to speak or understand other languages. The learning material was out of sync with real life. That and it was also around the time that I realised that girls were somehow more interesting than last term.

Quite often I will meet people from Germany, Holland, France, Italy and recently Iran who camp here and they all speak some form of English.

Not always perfect English, but they know enough to allow me to understand what they need which is more than I could ever do for them.

I am the ignorant one.

Yes, I could spend the time to learn how to speak other languages but I know that I won’t.

I have a great big bag full of lame and pathetic excuses ready to be used at any time – so don’t get me started on that one.

Maybe you speak another language and are able to converse with people from all over the world.

I can’t.

I’m rubbish.

But well done you.

So in conclusion: The English are mainly rubbish. We struggle to use our own words properly and say things like “like” all the time and even go as far to annunciate words with the wrong syntax by making every sentence sound like a question(?)

I hate that.

Other people from all over the world are much better at speaking English than the English.

Although the Americans are worse.

But they make better TV and films, and have better weather and sports and pride and the food is bigger.

Licence To Beg and Steal

All Hallows Eve is just around the corner.

Yea...why not?

Which means so are the pock marked, ASBO destined glue sniffing grey skinned foul breathed sticky fingered evil eyed shadow lurching granny thumping cat stealing self harming window smashing shop lifting spitting sweary uneducated unloved un-evolved little rat bastards that will one single solitary night to have free licence to barrage on peaceful neighbourhoods and demand protection money from the old the frail and the infirm.

This so-called holiday that has invaded the UK from the USA has somehow been seen as a free ticket to urban terrorism by yoofs.

In America, as far as I can tell, Halloween is a chance for kids to dress up in pirate costumes or ghost outfits or any as one of the many Disney characters whilst chaperoned by a responsible adult and collect candy and sweets from those houses in the area that are brightly light with pumpkins and fake cobwebs and the like, and can clearly be seen to be well into the swing of joining in the fun.

By contrast in the UK a bunch – correction – a gang of lawless thugs punch every door of their OWN estate and demand money whilst dressed in hooded tops and Nike trainers they looted the other month.

"givusyerfugginmoney!!!"

Regardless of whether or not the house is decorated for the occasion, this will not stop the demands for all and any cash or light weight household goods that can be used for barter.

In past years some have thought to turn off all the lights and keep the volume down on the TV so the vicious little rabid animals would walk on by. But this dear friends only encourages the nasty soulless bastards to piss through the letter box or set fire to your door.

The warning signs will start any night now, with the annual fireworks being thrown at cats and fire engines which has become something of a tradition in the UK although it does not get same amount of publicity as the changing of the guard for some reason.

"yoyoyo. trick, or like, treat or what eva y'getme!"

Kids and depressingly, as seen in every local newspaper last year, more and more adults are arrested and/or taken to hospital with burns to their faces because they have less understanding of the dangers of fire and heat and a loud bang than a pigeon.

I have to ask myself why there is such a huge difference between two nations that speak the same language and share the majority of the same public holidays.

How an it be that in the USA Halloween is seen as a great night out for kids and adults alike. The joy of dressing up and being out at night, while grownups can share in the delight of kids by innocently offering little bars of chocolate without fear of being hounded a sexual predator?

Flip back to the UK and the exact opposite happens.

This is what happens when you give kids too much sugar

Anarchy rules. If you are brave enough to venture out to cease the insistent walloping of your door with the vain hope that you would be able to reason with them, you will be faced by a barrage of abuse and named every sinful act under gods blue sky before being dragged from your home and beaten to within an inch of your life, fading in and out of conciseness, waking in hospital with only the whispered memories of your TV DVD player and wife being taken from your home. Never to be seen again.

Once released from hospital you return to your home to find nothing but a brunt out shell of timer and rubble only the very same bunch of kids to walk up to you and say.... “Penny for the guy!”

Roll on bonfire night.

Happy  holidays – and good luck to you all.

Could be a firework... or it could be your car.

Bert and Ernie - What Is Love Anyway?

Excuse me very much indeed but who the hell woke up one morning last week and thought “I think Bert and Ernie off Sesame Street should get married.”

Just a couple of guys..

In the name of everything that is real, which adult on this planet thinks about things like that (apart from me!)

Why would two puppets, who are not real people but puppets, wish to get married?

Let’s put the fact that they in fact puppets to one side and presume that they are actual people and dissect why this online petition signed by over 7000 people is completely irresponsible and stupid.

Firstly let’s look at the relationship between Bert and Ernie.

Bert and Ernie are two guys who live together in what appears to be a one floor apartment. It has one bedroom in which these guys sleep in separate single beds. Ernie is always in the bath and therefore has good hygiene.

(should we use a) Rubber Duckie?

Bert is the one who cooks and looks after the accounts. He is highly strung.

Not only would these two learn to hate each other if they were to form a partnership other than that of convenience, but would lose their friendship in the process.

 

These guys have lived together for over 40 years and we have all gone seen parts of their lives. Through the happy times (the rubber ducky song) through the bad times (every other episode where Ernie leave crumbs everywhere or has the window open etc).

All in all it wouldn’t work. The fact that they are friends is what allows them to argue and have time apart if needed. In the end they always work it out because they realise what friendship is.

Now some of you reading this would say that applies to marriage too. But it doesn’t.

Marriage means that the two of you wish to be part of something special forever. Love is involved.

Not the love felt by friendship but a deeper love.

Bert and Ernie are not in love. And to force them to marry to would be wrong.

I give it 6 months..

This brings me to the second point.

By having a petition to have Bert and Ernie marry “to show tolerance of others to young people” what we would actually have an arranged marriage. Something that is generally frowned upon by the Christian/ western world.

Forcing two “people” to marry for our convenience would be more of a headache to explain to little jonnie snot face than it would to simply explain that two people can love and care for each other in many different ways.

saaay whaaa!?!?

The millions of conversations would go exactly like this:

Little jonnie: “Mum/dad... why are Bert and Ernie getting maw-id?”

Parent: “well son, when two people love each other and want to share it with everyone, they get married to show how faithful they want to be with each other.”

LJ: “okay. That seems straight forward... but why did they wait 40 years to finally marry?”

P: “well... erm... “

because i said you little shi...

LJ: “don’t lie to me. I may only be 4 and a half but I am a quick learner and am sensitive to the fact that you re my overbearing guardian who insists on always telling me the truth and instil how telling the truth is a very important part of trust between those we love...”

P:”ah... yes... well... there was an online petition and  ...”

LJ: “wait. What? You and all the other vegans got together and FORCED my favourite puppets to involve themselves in a marriage of convenience simply to appease your sense of right and wrong? That awful. I hate you and want to run away and/hurt myself.”

P:”bugger!”

Do you see how terrible it would be if Bert and Ernie get married.

 

Think before you speak out on these matters people.

Jeez!

Bert and Ernie are just a couple of guys. Leave them alone.

Calm down

Sometimes it’s worth remembering that in the real world things can get scary.

Times can be hard.

There are those of us who live in fear of pain, death and torture each and every day.

Those of us who are lucky enough to have hot and cold CLEAN running water, a job, a roof over our heads sometimes forget just how lucky we are.

But then there are guys like Francis...

Please watch the video below all the way through.

I hope to which ever God is real that this is not a fake. I wish that this person actually exists, because if he does my self esteem just raised a little higher.

There are at least two points in this video i thought he was going to die...

The last 10 seconds made me do a little wee.

I’m not sure what it is he is so angry about, but boy, is he one angry fat guy!

Enjoy!

A Review of Captain America by a special Guest Author

Captain America a review by Pedro Fitzcalardo.

First of all, if you do go and see ANY Marvel film at the cinema here is a bit of advice - 

DO NOT LEAVE BEFORE THE END CREDITS!

There are at least two extra bits that you really should see including a full clip of the Avengers. the one of the interent is only about half of the full clip. you have been told now and so there is no excuse.

Now onto the main event.

I went to watch that film called Captain America on Saturday night. Watched it in 2d, 'cos I’m not that into 3D films.

Overall it was good. There was plenty of action and some good bits of talking but not too much, which is good for an action film.

I was worried at one point when Cap was chasing this baddie who had pinched a little ginger kid and threw him in the water and I thought to myself – I thought “oh, here we go, the old hero’s dilemma, should I save the kid or get the bad guy... what to do – what to do?”. But as Cap looked over the edge to see the kiddie drowning and in need of rescue what he actually saw was the ginger kid treading water and saying “its ok, I can swim. Go get him!” which sets this film apart from others. It didn’t go head strong into the old clichés and I liked that a lot.

What I didn’t like about this film was that the cini-world cinema in Shrewsbury, where I watched the film, is only showing it twice a day.

What is all that about, as peter Kay might say four times to emphasise his weak gags.

Showing what should and undoubtedly will be one of the hit movies of the year should be shown more than twice a day. Especially as the last showing means you don’t leave the cinema until close to midnight and the terms of my ASBO mean I have to be home before ten pm.

As it was I had tied the ankle tag to my dog’s leg and locked him in the downstairs cupboard so I was alright, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Plus...

While waiting to get my massive bag of popcorn and gallon of flat coke I overheard the guy in front of me ask the girl at the kiosk “are there any good films out at the moment?”

Why oh why oh why would you go to the cinema, cue up for ages at the popcorn stand (where you can buy your tickets as well) and only at the precise moment your mind should be concentrating on how much popped corn you wish to rot in your belly, do you ask the question “what film should I watch?”

That guy was an idiot.

His mate, who had been stood in the middle of the foyer wasn’t much brighter.

As he was called over to his mate to confirm that captain America was the only film left to be shown that evening and is a good film that’s worth watching anyway, the two of them stood looking at each other for inspiration.

It a long hard look from me to confirm that they should make their bloody minds up quick sharp and get a move on.

They did.

For those reasons I can only give captain America 6 out of 10.

If you go to see captain America. DO NOT GO CINI-WORLD in Shrewsbury as most of the people who frequent that particular establishment as flipping idiots.

If it wasn’t for my ASBO I would have lamped him one.