A Review of Captain America by a special Guest Author

Captain America a review by Pedro Fitzcalardo.

First of all, if you do go and see ANY Marvel film at the cinema here is a bit of advice - 

DO NOT LEAVE BEFORE THE END CREDITS!

There are at least two extra bits that you really should see including a full clip of the Avengers. the one of the interent is only about half of the full clip. you have been told now and so there is no excuse.

Now onto the main event.

I went to watch that film called Captain America on Saturday night. Watched it in 2d, 'cos I’m not that into 3D films.

Overall it was good. There was plenty of action and some good bits of talking but not too much, which is good for an action film.

I was worried at one point when Cap was chasing this baddie who had pinched a little ginger kid and threw him in the water and I thought to myself – I thought “oh, here we go, the old hero’s dilemma, should I save the kid or get the bad guy... what to do – what to do?”. But as Cap looked over the edge to see the kiddie drowning and in need of rescue what he actually saw was the ginger kid treading water and saying “its ok, I can swim. Go get him!” which sets this film apart from others. It didn’t go head strong into the old clichés and I liked that a lot.

What I didn’t like about this film was that the cini-world cinema in Shrewsbury, where I watched the film, is only showing it twice a day.

What is all that about, as peter Kay might say four times to emphasise his weak gags.

Showing what should and undoubtedly will be one of the hit movies of the year should be shown more than twice a day. Especially as the last showing means you don’t leave the cinema until close to midnight and the terms of my ASBO mean I have to be home before ten pm.

As it was I had tied the ankle tag to my dog’s leg and locked him in the downstairs cupboard so I was alright, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Plus...

While waiting to get my massive bag of popcorn and gallon of flat coke I overheard the guy in front of me ask the girl at the kiosk “are there any good films out at the moment?”

Why oh why oh why would you go to the cinema, cue up for ages at the popcorn stand (where you can buy your tickets as well) and only at the precise moment your mind should be concentrating on how much popped corn you wish to rot in your belly, do you ask the question “what film should I watch?”

That guy was an idiot.

His mate, who had been stood in the middle of the foyer wasn’t much brighter.

As he was called over to his mate to confirm that captain America was the only film left to be shown that evening and is a good film that’s worth watching anyway, the two of them stood looking at each other for inspiration.

It a long hard look from me to confirm that they should make their bloody minds up quick sharp and get a move on.

They did.

For those reasons I can only give captain America 6 out of 10.

If you go to see captain America. DO NOT GO CINI-WORLD in Shrewsbury as most of the people who frequent that particular establishment as flipping idiots.

If it wasn’t for my ASBO I would have lamped him one.

998 Words On The Demise Of The Film Industry

It seems that the latest fashion trend in Hollywood is film a “re-make” or “re-boot” of a film franchise.

Why?

I don’t understand the reason for remaking a film that was obviously successful enough to warrant somebody else to make their own version. It’s a paradox.

It doesn’t make sense.

Currently, the cinema going population will soon have the joy of spending their hard earned money on films such as:

The amazing Spiderman

Superman (the man of steel)

Escape from New York

Evil dead (although it seems this one has died a death ‘scuse the pun)

Total recall

Rise of the planet of the apes

Those are just six that spring to mind.

At first you may look upon that list and think “oh, great a remake of...” but you would be wrong.

The reason you are wrong is because it isn’t great they are making another version of any film. All of those above were good in their own right. There is no need to remake the originals. In some cases its seems stupid to even resurrect the story in the first place, but to simply dig up an old idea (some not even that old) and shit out a movie costing hundreds of millions of dollars for the sake of it seems stupid to me.

Let’s look at Spiderman as that is the one film that’s got everybody’s pants itching at the moment. 

Wherever I look on comments about this film I’m amazed to see so many people who “can't wait” or are “really excited” about seeing this film. How can this be? Go a rent the DVD at blockbusters if you want to see how Spiderman is born?

How on earth can it be justified to spend so much money on what is essentially a two dimensional character at best.

Three movies were made in the not too distant past and they fared quite well. A new original film would be deemed acceptable if the story justified it.

However, what we are told to expect is another version of the origin of the character that every single human with eyes and ears and a TV already knows about.

There is no reason to tell me again how peter parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and turned into a spider-man.

I know. My mum knows. The six year old godson knows. EVERYBODY KNOWS.

Why does Hollywood seem to think that I need to be told again?

The same goes for superman.

The day that somebody sits in a cinema somewhere and stands up half way through a superman film and says “hang on... how come that dude in the leotard can fly...that can’t be right?” is the day we might as well all jump of a bridge.

Why must we be forced to sit through 120 minutes watching how Clark Kent grows ups and figures out he is the son of a dead race and must save the earth from blah blah blah?

Listen up MGM, Time Warner and all you other film makers – WE DO NOT HAVE ALZHIEMERS!

Most of us anyway. And for those that do – most of us have the ability to watch the films you have made in the past by watching them on the glorious gift of DVD, digital download or even VHS tape. You really don’t need to waste your time and money making a new one for us. It fine. Honestly.

 Try something new.

But then there is the other side of this horrible monster that has crept into our lives... the other re-boot.

Escape from New York and more importantly Total Recall.

Both of these films are good in their own right. Total Recall is a favourite of mine. Even though by today’s standards the special effects are a little ropey, it doesn’t matter. The story, the pace and the action of this film more than make up for the lack of 3D special effects.

Although I still can’t look when Arnie smashes his visor and his eyes start to pop out – makes feel weird inside!

I know there will be a geek greater than I out there who would like to remind me that total recall was based on a book and the new film is going to be closer to the story in the book rather than a direct remake of the original film...

But my reply would be – SOD OFF.

There is a principle involved here.

If the movie making industry is allowed to continue this inaction of simply copying someone else’s work, tarting it up a bit, meaning that we – the paying audience have to sit through the same stories over and over again, where will it end?

The worst case scenario is that in a few years time there will only be one film being made but it will be made 25 times a year with different cast and a poncy director who wants to show a grittier version of what has come before”

I am aware of the argument that having a new lead actor in a film can harm the franchise and disrupt audiences but that is pure waffle. Look at James Bond... there has been loads of him and nobody said a word. Everyone has their favourite but you either love Bond or you don’t.

 Why should it be any different for other films?

On a final note I have heard of rumours that there are plans to “reboot” the terminator...

Now if that doesn’t make you want to post one of your poo to Hollywood then I don’t know what will.

I will not be attending any of the premiers of these films when they come out. Instead I will rip up my gold embossed invitations and toss them into the recycling.

Good night.

I have been advised that sending you poo in the post may be against the law as it is classed as bio-hazard and therefore cannot be sent in a package without paying due postage.