Ahoy!!!!

April is fast approaching and the A to Z challenge is almost upon us. Thoughtless Gibberish will not be taking part this year. Instead a brand new blog will take on the task of giving me a headache. the Name is SinkingShip and..it's.... not live yet.

But it will be ready in time.

There will be videos, drawings, stories, adventures, songs and much more in the coming days and weeks and months as myself and Darren (the t'other half of this venture) get our shit together and create a whole new world for you to enjoy.

Things will seem strange and disorientated at first, but soon it will flower into a weaving maze of links and cross overs as characters and events melt into one huge collage of existence.

Hahaha... it really is a big thing and could go on for some time.

More will be explained in the coming days over on our brand new Google+ page which you can visit here: 

SINKINGSHIP

I will also be releasing some behind the scenes "out takes" in the run up the big launch that will be exclusive to Google plus.

If you have not already joined G+ I would like to take this opportunity to say that you really should.

It is a very cool place to be. I have learnt lot's of things and talked to some very interesting people. 

Twitter is for idiots with nothing to say.

Facebook is for people who don't want to listen.

G+ is for people who ... well, it's for everyone. 

You really do get out of it what you put into it.

Give it a good try. Add us to your circles and enjoy the extra that all those idiots will miss out on.

Good on ya!

See you over there.

Much love.

Bumf.

Ps- I will still be doing my regular Saturday morning updates throughout April. I'm not THAT lazy.

Zeitgeist

The is the end of the A to Z challenge. As we speak 1,000’s of blogs posts are being written tweaked and perfected.

Not this one.

It is full of errors, mistakes, things that are plainly wrong and probably doesn’t make a lot of sense anyway.

I tend to write without thinking (I know, it shows!) about what it is I want to write about.

This month has been touch and go. Some of it was good and I enjoyed writing it, some of it was bloody awful and made feel dirty and wrong inside.

Either way, what is done is done and that is the end of it.

But to conclude the month of April I feel I should fill in a couple of gaps.

A)     I have a new bin. The council delivered a new one after about a week or so.

B)      I have not heard from DAVE and feel no worse for this.

C)      I did not win £1,000,000 but did loose 2p.

D)     I am still in bother for burning the bed…

E)      Walkers crisps have STILL not replied to me about chipsticks!(red flavour)

F)      The future has not been written (ref: bins)

G)     I have won TWO awards!

With that in mind I would like to end this post by thanking http://laughingatlife232.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/liebster-blog-award.html

I am not one to answer questions, but may get around to it at some point. But thankyou for the Liebster - My Second in one month and a jolly nice way to end the A to Z.

But before then I would like to congratulate everyone who has taken part in the A toZ 2013. This has been my first year and it has been mega hard.

Give yourselves a pat on the back and have a larger shandy on me (just a half though, it is a school night)

Well done and good night.

Normal grumpy service will resume in….

3….

2….

1….

Your £1,000,000 bet has been placed.

This A to Z malarkey is quickly coming to an end.

Thoughtless Gibberish is set to continue.

So that’s your good news and bad news.

With only two episodes left, its time to start wraping things up.

Back in the letter of W (winnings) I asked you all to help me pick some horses.

Out of the many entries.. alright one… I was left with no option but to choose Weather as my guide to picking horses for Saturdays races.

I wont bore you all with which horses I picked but I will show you the betting slip before giving the results.

Here it is:

Check that out. A potential ONE MILLION ENGLISH POUNDS.

Assuming this accumulator comes in I will be sharing my winnings with Rob Z Tobor and Rob Z Tobor alone, as nobody else bothered to make a suggestion.

The result (as you can probably guess) is as follows.

Winnings = 0.00

13 horses bet on, one none runner, four wins and the rest are now being ground down into next weeks lasagne's.

I don’t blame Rob of course, it’s not his fault. He gave it a shot. The rest of you though – shame on you!

If you had picked one of the other options I would not have been forced to loose a whole 2p on the races.

Oh well never mind.

There’s always the lottery.

Xenia

Xenia (yes I had to look it up) is the ancient Greek concept of hospitality, the generosity and courtesy shown to those who are far from home.

That is pretty much my job.

People come to me for their holiday and, believe it or not, I offer them a warm and friendly welcome when they are far from home.

I have a cheery smile (sometimes known as a sneer) and a cheery demeanour that puts folks at ease and lets them know that (once they have paid their camping fees) they are welcome to use our facilities and join in all the fun things we do on site.

Just before Christmas we built a new social room which has a dart board and comfy chairs and a TV and everything. At some point I’m going to but a pool table and keep an ear out for the KERCHING of pound coins filling up the coin slot!

Every Thursday we have a coffee morning and at night a couple of rounds of Bingo! Campers love bingo. It’s like catnip.

Saturdays is quiz night. I have to finish off the music round tonight and might share a few of the questions with you lot after all this A to Z business is over.

We might be having a few folk music people coming down as well and if it works out well, it could become a regular thing!

It is important when in the camping business to keep yourself above the competition. There are a lot of campsites around our area, but to the best of my knowledge We are the only one who has Won LOO OF THE YEAR (2010).

With all this in mind I have to go now and make up a music round. I’m hoping to cut up a few songs that stop just as the chorus comes on to see it anyone carries on singing and gives the answer away!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….

Xenia – The new favourite word of a grumpy made up man.

Wow- I’m so deep!

NOW BUGGER OFF! ;O) 

Winning?

Long time readers will know I like a little flutter on the horses.

New readers should know that the word little IS little.

I don’t like to bet more than 10p at a time (I am a cheap tight fisted bugger!). Having small limits when betting keeps it fun and stops gambling from having the potential to ruin ones life.

Unfortunately, even though I am careful with my spending (£30 in three years) I am bloody rubbish.

A while ago I let commenter's on this here blog name a category for what I should bet on over the weekend.

I lost.

Well…. They lost me money but I’m not bitter.

In fact, I’m willing to give it another go.

Here are the rules.

In the comments box place your entry based on one of the following categories. I will place bets on any and all horses that fit the most chosen option.

The categories are:

Women (horses with girls names etc)

Weather (…anything weather related)

Walking (…any names related to moving about)

Wallop (any horses name that has a noise in its name)

So there you go. Give it a bash and I will report back after the weekend with the results.

It can’t be any worse than last time.

Ahahahahahahahahahaha.

Viz

I nipped out yesterday to buy Mrs H something for her birthday (which was today). Don’t get me wrong, she already had stuff ready for opening but I wanted to get her something else.

What with her being a comic book geek like me it seemed the best place to go would the comic shop itself.

And so that is where I went.

The lovely people at the shop had already been intouch and told there was a load of old Viz comics they had got hold of and if I wanted them I could have.

I have not read the Viz for a few years but a quick flick through the pages of these old editions made me grin like the idiot I am.

For those who are not familiar with Viz I can best describe it as a high brow eclectic pop culture graphic display of .... that doesn't make sense.... It's full of jokes about and male genitalia and womens wobbly bits, Farting and lots of swearing. Its cheap, nasty, beyond childish and bloody funnier than anything else on the top shelf of your local news agents.

Pure bloody filth.

Anyhow, That was very nice of the comic shop, as I said before – they are lovely people.

So I bought Mrs H an X-Men hoodie and some toys.. I mean collectable figures and she was very happy. I too was happy as I checked a couple of websites and found out that the copies of Viz that I have can sell for around £6 each.

45 issues at £6 each COULD make me around £270 if I find someone who wants them that is.

Anyway that is the letter V over and done with. Tomorrow is W and I hope I can think of something to write about. It's getting harder to disguise the fact that I'm writing this just before I go to bed as a last minute thought.

I know it feels like I have done loads of re-writes and plotted the whole experience into one weaving epic adventure that will have a fantastic, out of this world conclusion - but it won't.... it really really won't.

Or will it...... (no it won't)

Uncontrollable Unisex Unicorns.

Oh no. we’re down to last few letters. THE HARD ONES.

The letters that nobody uses. I knew this would happen.

It’s been hard enough thinking of things to write about with difficult letters popping and making my head hurt.

What good words start with U?

Underpants?

Unicorns?

Unisex?

That’s all I can think of, which probably says a lot about how my mind works.

So let’s go with that.

Are Unicorns Unisex?

Probably. In all the myths about Unicorns I can not remember anyone mentioning their gender. They probably did, but because it was a story about a horse with a horn on its head I wouldn’t have been paying much attention.

Nor do I remember any mention of said beasts wearing any form of clothing let alone underpants.

Of course underpants would indicate that the Unicorn was a male because men wear underpants. I wear underpants and the last time I checked I was a male. Just.

If a Unicorn wore knickers it would more than likely be a lady Unicorn, although in this modern age of ours there is no guarantee or legal requirement for men or women not to wear each others undergarments.

Some couples enjoy it. I wouldn’t know. I have never seen the appeal of wearing a lady’s underpants. Things would fall out. Chaffing would be involved. Nobody wins on those occasions.

If ever DID see a Unicorn with underpants on, we would not know for sure what its gender would be. It could be a cross dressing Unicorn which is probably more than likely.

That’s not to say anything bad about those who do cross dress. Each to their own I suppose.

Then again, the Unicorn could be suffering from incontinence, in which case it probably doesn’t want things like the fact it is wearing 

pants to be broadcast and brought to attention. That's probably why nobody owns one. They'd be incensed and very hard to control... not to mention the smell and mess everywhere. 

I don’t know what to do for the best now. I feel a bit guilty about all these mythical creatures who have very little bladder and/or bowl control.

It’s no wonder you don’t see many of them around anymore.

Shame.

Talking - How To Get Out Of It

A big part of my job involves talking to people and as we all know People are idiots.

One such moron came into reception today.

“Do you remember me?” They shouted at me as they walked through the door.

Now before you read my reply to this question it is important to understand that this is asked of me at least once a week by any number of faceless twonks without warning.

The following is my exact answer word for word.

“nope.”

This response has been careful designed to ensure that the question asker is clear that they have asked a stupid question to which the only answer is one that is presented in the negative unless it is asked by somebody who I know rather well and would not be asked in any case as I WOULD KNOW THEM ALREADY.

Instead, I am presented with the following:

“Well I remember you.”*

This is a non-descript comment that does not require any reply as far as I am concerned. Upon hearing something like this I usually await until they have something to say that has the possibility of them giving me money.

I usually have to wait a bit longer.

“I came here last year.” It appears the fool in question wishes to continue this line of remembrance a while longer.

My reply is thus: “That will be why I don’t remember you then.”

You think I am being harsh or rude. I am not. I am, in fact, learning them good.

The Bumferry Hogart School of Learning Them Good (BHSoLTG) is available to everyone who wants to do away with useless small talk, pointless questions, small talk and any other type of communication that is not helpful, profitable or educational in any way shape or form.

The point of talking is to share information. This can lead to fulfilling relationships of a professional and/or personal nature.

Talk of weather (including but not exclusive to the direction of the wind, how the temperature has changed slightly from a couple of hours ago) traffic on a road that neither of those involved in the conversation are currently on, the cost of a particular item for sale in a shop you are not in or plan to go to (regardless of whether the item in question is something you plan to buy or not) can all be stopped, changed or avoided all together with the lessons of the BHSoLTG.

Lessons are provided over the internet, reducing the need to “make friends” with fellow course takers for the reasonable price of £ per lesson (minimum required lessons depend on individual requirements but it is recommended that students take a minimum of 12 lessons).

Cash is preferred, but seeing as how that would mean meeting in person, cheque, postal order, or principal naming in your will are all acceptable methods of payment.

Your time is precious and can not be wasted on small talk with people who put the strange into stranger.

It is estimated that the average person spends over 30% of their day trying to get out of conversations they have no intention of remembering.

Get that time back AND your life by signing up in the box below.

What is the worst that can happen?

By the way, did you see the match last night? How about that local sports team?

*this conversation actually happened. the man in question had been to the site ONCE before over a year ago and stayed for ONE NIGHT. I did not remember him because it just so happened that I was not on duty that day. I had not met this man before even though he insisted that we had. - proof of idiocy.

Sinkingship Productions (uk)

This blog is brought to you by sinking ship productions.

It is – honest. Go and have a look at the copyright bit at the bottom that doesn’t actually mean anything in any legal sense.

Did you see it?

Well its there.

But what is sinkingship? Why is it? How? And um…which??

Sinkingship was born out a time spent working in a very wobbly tower block in the middle of Manchester where the real life version of the Bash street kids would wind me up drove me to spend a very specific amount of time either drunk or drinking.

Along the ride with me was my good friend Darren (who has recently stopped doing his blog mindwordsofdarren) as well as a very upsetting boy named Lee, “sometimes” Dan and of course everybody’s most hateful character – Dave.

There was also a girl involved for a bit but Dave scared her off.

Whilst at work many faces came and went. We never bothered to learn their real names and they were known by the following: Cornflake, the phantom Shit Smearer, Tits Maghee, Shit Shampoo, Lin-drew (twins who may or may not have being sharing coitus)Mrs T (the lung hacking cleaner who spent more time smoking than actually cleaning) and Les – more on HIM later..

We also had a manager of the contact centre who was deaf. It was quite a call when a complaining customer asked to speak to a manager and the reply from ourselves was “Sorry, he can’t speak to you - he is deaf!”

Make of that what you will.

Before we went completely insane we took up drinking. This lead to many late discussions about Nigel Havers and “that guy who played Jacko in Brushstrokes” and how much we all hated Dave.

Before too long video were made, including the much missed DVDVIDEOCHRISTMASMOVIEFILM and OUR TRIP TO NORWAY.

This lead to a youtube channel which still exists and from that – this here little blog.

It’s not to everyones taste, but neither is Spam or Nutella.

I Don’t really know where this is going……

Oh yes. Sinkingship exists because it didn’t do before. It also helps us to vent our frustrations against Dave, who really is a massive expletive.

You can follow us on that Facebook thing, or Twitter (which is me on twitter - I'm currently drumming up support to get @Walkerscrisps to reply to me - but they keep ignore me)

If you find you have nothing to do, or don’t really like someone and don’t know how to tell them, just share one of our videos from youtube (link near the bottom)

Here is a sample of some of our better ones. Darren is the better one I am the one who does voices...

Agatha Christie's Robocop!

Thora Hird Does Alan Bennett.

There is a lot more upsetting and poorly made videos available here. But I wouldn't recommend you look at any of them.

Thanks.

Ready Salted Chipsticks

It is close to midnight as I write this post and I am quite the angry man.

The reason I am angry is thus:

I want to eat a packet of ready salted chipsticks.

The brand of ready salted chipsticks i wish to consume is not important, but I would prefer, given the choice, to eat the ready salted chipsticks made by Smiths (now owned by walkers).

Yes, that's right, for once I have actually performed some form of scientific research into a post.

That is because I really want a packet of Ready salted Chipsticks.

I know that they can be bought of the electronic equivalent of the back of a lorry in vast quantities suitable only for a family of elephants, but I want... ney! I HAVE THE RIGHT to walk into my local shop and buy a bloody packet of red flavour ready salted bloody chipsticks.

What the flipping heck am I talking about?

It must be the lack of salt. Sorry.

I'm on a diet this week.  have gone all week without bread in a bizarre attempt to loose a bit of belly flab.

It's not really worked.

All that has happened is that I have been very hungry and a lot of bread has gone all mouldy from not being eaten.

I miss toast.

But I also miss ready slated chipsticks.

I have taken to twitter and harassed walkers crisps.

I am yet to even receive a simple reply.

Screw you Walkers social media department.

It is now one minute past midnight. I have a long weekend ahead of me.

The only thing that would make it better would the thought of finishing this self imposed diet that hasn't really done anything and munch on a packet of ready salted chipsticks........

CHIIIIIIP-STIIIIIIIICKSSSS!!!!!!

Question Of The Month - Proof Of Ultimate Idiocy

This evening I have been asked a question that nobody else in the world has ever been questioned before.

The question in question is this:

“Why is there a burn mark in the shape of lightning and purple stains on your side of the bed?”

This, as I am sure you will agree, is a very strange question to ask indeed.

The answer is as follows.

It all started in the spare room.

In an attempt to tidy up in preparation for visitors this weekend, I decided that it would be a good idea to get a head start. I moved my telescope into the front room, put some clothes away and moved the rug that used to be in the front room but we don’t know if we are keeping it or throwing it away yet, under the bed.

I even hovered the front room…. A bit.

All was going swimmingly until I thought I’d go one step further in order to please Mrs H.

I started to clear my bed side table.

It has got quite busy these past few weeks what a radio, my wallet, phone charger, a couple of little badges, cuff links, wage slips, receipts and an unfortunate glass of cordial.

*it is at this point the reader should press play on their copy of the theme tune to SOME MOTHERS DO ‘AVE ‘EM*

As I untwisted the knot of wires that had cumulated over a period of weeks, I accidently knocked over the glass of cordial on to the bed. The glass hit the metal frame and smashed into little pieces and that is where the purple stains came from - it's nothing naughty! (you filthy minded perverts- yes Lily I'm looking at you)

As for the lightning rod burn mark….

I am in SO much trouble...

I realised too late that my brilliant idea of being helpful was not helpful in any way shape or form and instead opted to try and clear up after myself.

I mopped up as much of the stain as I could with a towel (now ruined) and used some Vanish spray to clear up the liquid.

The bed sheet was of course soaking wet and my brain went into overdrive with fantastic solutions.

I grabbed the good lady’s hairdryer and started to blow dry the crap out of that sucker.

I failed to realise, quite quickly, that the hairdryer was super hot, and in my attempt to dry up my mess in a timely fashion… burnt a bloody hole into the bed.

This, if ever an excuse was needed, is why men do not use hair dryers and should in no way be allowed to try and tidy up.

It’s not within our remit. We are not capable as a gender to tidy up. We are only capable of making things much MUCH worse.

proof of uselessness #258

Let this be a lesson to all you women out there that us men as totally and utterly useless…. Well, I am anyway.

Ponderables

Here is a very short version of the many many things that rattle through my over tired mind most evenings. Make of them what you will.

Do spiders get hiccups?

How do aeroplanes stay up?

Are ducks called ducks because they duck, or is ducking called ducking because ducks duck?

Which came first the toothbrush or toothpaste?

Are goldfish capable of headaches?

If God is omnipotent can he/she see the bad of their own head and does he/she get freaked out about it?

Why does nothing ever come in nines?

If the purpose of toe nails is to protect the soft skin underneath, why do we not just evolve to have normal skin all over and then we don’t need to bother about toe nails?

Why don’t shops sell ready salted chipsticks anymore? (the corn snack not the thin potato ones)

mmmmm. salty

How come the moon appears to be exactly the same size as the sun (for purposes of solar eclipses)

Liiiiiike a glove!

This is not a concise list of the strange and possibly unanswerable things that occur to me from time to time, but it is a glimpse into the twisted nonsense that pops up in my thoughts.

Having written this at 10:55pm I now have very little chance of getting any sleep tonight.

Bugger.

Old age

I am getting old.

I know I am because technology is becoming a stranger to me.

Things that I once was able to do with ease are now a Rubiks cube wrapped in a 1000 piece jigsaw surrounded by very sharp question marks that smell of really bad Idon'tknow-whats.

Changing passwords, setting up email accounts, downloading the BBC i-player. All of these things ha ve stumped me this week.

All I want to do is make life that little bit more easy, but alas computers seem to have other ideas.

MNUUUURGH!

Google seems to be the main culprit at the moment. Being on Google does allow me to have a blogger account, you tube and gmail and all other manner of wonderful things to play with. However, if I want to do "a thing" or something similar I am left with nothing more than a primeval urge to launch my computer through the bloody window.

I have not done that yet but there is still time before I go to bed....

Even my remote control has got it in for me. The BACK UP button has backed all the way down and I have to keep flicking it out. The wifi is more temperamental than Mrs H when we have run out of cream eggs and if I stand on another plug before the bank holiday I'm going to cancel Christmas.

It does seem that the more freedom I have online the more things go wrong more often.

I am a weak person and fully admit I would be lost without the internet but it seems to have outgrown its purpose as a tool and has somehow gained a simplistic form of sentience (simple,but more intelligent than me) and has decided to have a pop at me.

Don't worry. We're not talking SKYNET style intelligence here but a more generic cyber-grump that simple refuses to do what it is told and has the power to stop working altogether.

I'm getting old. I know this.

SCREW YOU TECHNOLOGY

I'm not even going to bother talking about my ever expanding gut or those six grey hairs that I can no longer deny or even my creaking kness that sound like my legs are made of dry grass.

It won't be long before I start talking about the war and complaining about how TV is too loud... even though IT IS!

oh bugger.

Number 200 In An Ongoing Series

Holy Hot Potato!

Welcome to my 200th post.

Good grief, what a journey we have had. From Dwarves, time travel, politics and many other random quotes of gibberish, it's been one heck of a ride.

Unfortunately - there is much more to come.

In time for this monumental post I have received an award. The Liebster award for excellence. (I added that last bit...) and would like to thank http://madelineannstringer.blogspot.co.uk/ for the nomination.

The Leibster award requires that I answer questions and nominate others, but I like to buck the trend, plus having won one previously I think I am entitled to do something a little bit different.

With that in mind I have created my own little award and will spend the rest of this post dishing them out like sweeties at a pantomime.

The following are a list of blogs that are the first to receive the soon to be coveted BADGE OF COOL award.

In no particular order:

http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.co.uk/ MFJ wins this award for having the coolest looking blog and for writing some really funny and near the knuckle posts about things and stuff.

well done.

http://robztobor.blogspot.co.uk/ Rob's blog is a masterpiece in creativity and originality. Hopefully this award will go a small way to highlight that "That nice Mr Spielberg" will make his blog into a film. (fingers crossed)

finally (but most defiantly not least)

http://theincoherentramblingsofasingleparent.blogspot.co.uk/ Not only for having the longest named blog I know of but for being continuously funny and pretty damned awesome.

Well done to all those above. Please feel free to copy and paste the badge and stick on your blog/bedroom wall/have it tattooed in or about your person.

Whack this on your blog.

*Badges should not be left near naked flames or used as a floatation device. If your badge becomes faulty please return it in the original packaging to the usual address with photographic evidence of damaged caused. This Badge is not a contraception device. Can help with weight loss if used as part of a calorie controlled diet. Some wearing is to be expected. Keep away from direct sunlight, do not feed after midnight. Monetary value = 0.00000001p * 

Monday and Memory

It’s Monday.

We all hate Mondays.

Mondays should really be Friday.

Bare with me on this.

Because everyone hates Monday but craves for the arrival of Friday it makes sense (to me anyway) to swap these two days around.

If the working week started with a Friday we could all go out on Friday night and have a drink with friends, maybe go out for a meal, but ultimately the first day of the working week would be a dress down day filled with the joy of having fun before the clock strikes midnight.

The end of the working week would also be a joy. Just because it is a Monday and you have been working hard (I assume you have at the very least made it LOOK like you have been working hard) you should be knackered and tired and fed up after spending 35+ hours with a bunch of smelly, lazy idiots who take the last pen from the stationary cupboard or have managed to get a date worth that sexy blond in accounts.

The end of the week should be like a Monday but under the new Bumferry Working Week, Monday is the best day. That’s because it is the end of the week and the weekend starts and who doesn’t like a weekend?

Nothing is quite this simple though.

In order to enjoy Friday which now the Monday and Monday which is now the new Friday, one concession has to be made.

The Weekend will no longer be called the weekend. Instead it will be called the Weekstart (that’s week start not weeks tart).

This will ensure that people don’t forget that I really shouldn’t be in charge but at least one person has called for me to be Prime minister and who am I to argue!

In the best political way these changes will make no difference to me as I work 7 days a week anyway and I don't see why anyone else should have a good time.

Oh yes, M is also for memory of which mine is simply rubbish as I forgot to write this last night and have had to rush out this pile of tripe for your eyes to roll over.

Loss Leaders

Back in the good old days when things were not so complicated and I had a Saturday job working in a carpet shop in Accrington "oop North" me and two of my pals used to play guitars in the back room for fun.
After a few months we clubbed together and bought a recording desk and made a few tracks.

This is one of them.

I hope I have pressed the right buttons and that below this writing is a button of some kind that you can press to here me sing.

I did enjoy my time being in a band. We never played any gigs but playing and learning together was great and we had a ball.

Ste and Paul (the two members who DIDN'T want to be called THE FLAMING UNDERPANTS!) now have kids and wives and Don't really play much anymore.

Maybe one day when we are old (er) and grey (er) we will do a "comeback tour before having done a tour at all -tour."

Until then please feel free to wnjoy/wince at my warbling.

Thankyou.

Klingons

I love me a bit of Star Trek.

"I knew I shouldn't have mentioned the hair..."

I’m not the sort of guy who wears the Mr Spock ears or goes around speaking Klingon and what not, but I do enjoy a romp around the world of the future.

I don’t like the original series with Kirk and Spock and Bones, although I will watch if I must.

As I write this I am watching the Next Generation which was made around 25 years ago.

25 years ago people. That’s the proper past.

I am watching a show in the present made in the past that is about the future. It can become very confusing at times.

RIP: c1760 - c2278

It can be quite amusing watching TV from so long ago. The naïve ideas that people had about what the future would look like seems childish by todays standards.

The future technology on ST:TNG includes many things that are readily available to everyday people today.

Tablet computers with touch screens, mobile communication devices, MRI scanners.

It is a shame though that even in the 23^rd century there is no cure for male pattern baldness, hiccups or bad acting.

You would think that the human race would concentrate less on faster than light travel travel and holographic games and more on making clothes with pockets.

Is that a phaser by your side
 or are you just pleased to see me?

Seriously. Go and watch any episode of Star Trek and not one single person has any pockets.

They never carry loose change, or put their gizmos and gadgets away.

Even somebody is getting a proper rollicking off the captain or is being told why the warp drive has run out pseudo-scientific reasoning crystals and is unable to get out of orbit (even though we all know that the answer will be found with seconds to spare…again!) not one single person puts their hands in the pockets.

I’m always putting my hands in my pockets.

That is what pockets are there for. Putting your hands in.

I’ve got a pen in mine.

Imagine a world without pockets…go on.. do it….

Horrible isn’t it?

"Just BEAM it out man - it's making my Head wrinkle!"

The other oddity about the world of Star Trek is the onesie uniforms. It must make going to the little boys room a proper chore.

Unless they use the transporter pads to …. I’ve gone too far again haven’t I…     

No wonder the Klingons are so angry all the time.

KA-PLA!

Judged

How is it possible that I can be made of the same standard structure of DNA as the person who thought The Jeremy Kyle show should be renewed?

When will there be a reasonable explanation for Daily Mail readers?

At what point in human history did it become the norm to only half wear jeans so that your bottom is on full display?

Has anybody in the world EVER used the aux button on their remote control… and I mean did they ever press it on purpose, not press it by accident and then panic because the TV went black and you have to press all the other buttons just to convince yourself you have not broken the bloody thing!

Why is nobody sterilising the people who think it is acceptable to spit in the street?

Is there nothing the government can do to stop the tyrants of this nation who hide behind archaic laws and continue to flaunt common sense by spending vast amounts of money on telephone votes because they truly believe their call will be personally answered by Ant and/or Dec?

Are we not supposed to be living in a decade where nobody has any money but yet we have queues outside the Apple shop when a new headphone cable is announced every six months?

Is there a single person in the world who can explain why there is any need for Argos to have its own TV channel?

But for all these crimes, you – the human race are ALL GUILTY of one sole crime against common sense that is truly unforgivable.

The crime of leaving your trolley right in front of the thing on the shelf that I want to reach.

Disgusting! VILE creatures.

YOU HAVE BEEN JUDGED!

Do you have anything to say in your defence before I pass sentencing?

WELL………

I Can't Go Back To Savoury Now.

Hello. I would like to take this opportunity to say hello to my new followers. You are all very welcome to this little blog of mine. During the month of A-Zing I hope to give all a taste of the mindless guff that I call a hobby. If you are still here by Z then well done you. Thankyou for all your comments. I try my best to answer them all and promise that I will return the favour and visit you all in turn with witty and clever comments. 
I have to wait for Mrs H to go to bed before I can get cracking on here and she has been watching her "shows" .... you know how it can be. Now carry on.


To all those who have been around for a while - look sharp there's some new city folks around with their fancy ways with words and own teeth and hair.

Good grief this writing just gets smaller and smaller doesn't it!

I don't know if you lot are ready for this, but today is the day that I am going to share something that is very special to me.

There is a man who lives on this ball of dirt we call home who is so clever and funny he deserves far more attention than he gets.

A self made singer song writer from the Sheffield.

Some of the older members of this blog may know him better as "That bloke who sang Gordon is a moron"

Today however Graham Fellows is better known as John Shuttleworth - and I love him to bits.

I proudly present to you today my favourite of all his songs.

I can't go back to savoury now.

It's an epic and I guarantee you will be humming the tune for days.

If you ever get the chance, please keep your eye for another of Graham's creations - Brian Appleton.

But for now. Enjoy this video (again if you like) and rejoice that somebody somewhere took the time to make this.

OOF!

ps- Lily if you can't see this, please borrow a friend or relatives computer - you will love this I'm sure, even though you are not northern ;O)

H is a more rubbish letter than B.

I’m struggling today.

I had written a thing for H about a man named Henry, but on reflection I didn’t like it and have deleted it.

It was a two part story about a man named Henry who had a gun to his head. Beyond the first sentence I had no idea what was going to happen and I just kept writing.

I had done around four or five hundred words and posted it last night.

As I drifted off to sleep I realised that it just wasn’t good enough and I had no idea what so ever how to finish it.

So I got rid.

In retrospect, as I write this, I now realise that THIS post is no better.

If anything it’s worse. There is no suspense, no drama, no gun and so far, only a passing mention of the main character – Henry.

I’ve buggered up really. Maybe I will post “Henry” at some point in the alphabet, when it’s a bit more polished.

I don’t like to try too hard with posts (as you can tell!). I like to just type and see what happens. But today, for some reason, it’s all gone a bit wrong.

The Letter H is more rubbish than the letter B I think.

Sorry.