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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Friday, 19 April 2013

Question Of The Month - Proof Of Ultimate Idiocy

This evening I have been asked a question that nobody else in the world has ever been questioned before.

The question in question is this:

“Why is there a burn mark in the shape of lightning and purple stains on your side of the bed?”

This, as I am sure you will agree, is a very strange question to ask indeed.

The answer is as follows.

It all started in the spare room.

In an attempt to tidy up in preparation for visitors this weekend, I decided that it would be a good idea to get a head start. I moved my telescope into the front room, put some clothes away and moved the rug that used to be in the front room but we don’t know if we are keeping it or throwing it away yet, under the bed.

I even hovered the front room…. A bit.

All was going swimmingly until I thought I’d go one step further in order to please Mrs H.

I started to clear my bed side table.

It has got quite busy these past few weeks what a radio, my wallet, phone charger, a couple of little badges, cuff links, wage slips, receipts and an unfortunate glass of cordial.

*it is at this point the reader should press play on their copy of the theme tune to SOME MOTHERS DO ‘AVE ‘EM*

As I untwisted the knot of wires that had cumulated over a period of weeks, I accidently knocked over the glass of cordial on to the bed. The glass hit the metal frame and smashed into little pieces and that is where the purple stains came from - it's nothing naughty! (you filthy minded perverts- yes Lily I'm looking at you)

As for the lightning rod burn mark….
I am in SO much trouble...

I realised too late that my brilliant idea of being helpful was not helpful in any way shape or form and instead opted to try and clear up after myself.

I mopped up as much of the stain as I could with a towel (now ruined) and used some Vanish spray to clear up the liquid.

The bed sheet was of course soaking wet and my brain went into overdrive with fantastic solutions.

I grabbed the good lady’s hairdryer and started to blow dry the crap out of that sucker.

I failed to realise, quite quickly, that the hairdryer was super hot, and in my attempt to dry up my mess in a timely fashion… burnt a bloody hole into the bed.

This, if ever an excuse was needed, is why men do not use hair dryers and should in no way be allowed to try and tidy up.

It’s not within our remit. We are not capable as a gender to tidy up. We are only capable of making things much MUCH worse.

proof of uselessness #258
Let this be a lesson to all you women out there that us men as totally and utterly useless…. Well, I am anyway.


  1. Mr H for some strange reason, I can bond with your experience as if the very same thing has happened to me in the past.

    I do not use hair driers these days, it is not because I am banned but they dont make left handed ones

    1. I too am left handed Rob and our disability is not highlighted in this modern age of "Right is Might!". Our plight (ooh I'm rhyming) needs a celebrity figure head to stop the right handers from making us feel like 3rd class citizens... viva la revolution!

  2. You find blood on the bed sexy? It is you who are the wrong 'un sir! You! Women...know your place!

    1. I am a wrong 'un. I blame Dave for that. Not that he has anything to do with anything but it just needed saying.

  3. lol, your wife must really love you.

    1. The scary thing is we are not sue to get married until later this year, but she has already bought her dress and can't get the deposit back, so she is well and truly screwed! hahahahahahahahaa. (her words, not mine!)

  4. Why does everyone on the interweb think I'm a perv? Hold on...gotta let one of me sex slave out of the dungeon. Who knew grown men could cry so much?? As I was saying... :)

    1. HAHAHAHA... what makes you think I meant you? It could have been a completely different Lily who writes about ... ah who am I trying to kind - we ALL know what your like ;O)

  5. Sounds like my kind of luck and grace ;-) New follower here. I'm stopping by from the "A to Z" challenge and I look forward to visiting again.


    1. Nice to have on board Sylvia. Everyone is welcome here in the random nonsense that is this little blog. :)


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