This evening I have been asked a question that nobody else in the world has ever been questioned before.
The question in question is this:
“Why is there a burn mark in the shape of lightning and purple stains on your side of the bed?”
This, as I am sure you will agree, is a very strange question to ask indeed.
The answer is as follows.
It all started in the spare room.
In an attempt to tidy up in preparation for visitors this weekend, I decided that it would be a good idea to get a head start. I moved my telescope into the front room, put some clothes away and moved the rug that used to be in the front room but we don’t know if we are keeping it or throwing it away yet, under the bed.
I even hovered the front room…. A bit.
All was going swimmingly until I thought I’d go one step further in order to please Mrs H.
I started to clear my bed side table.
It has got quite busy these past few weeks what a radio, my wallet, phone charger, a couple of little badges, cuff links, wage slips, receipts and an unfortunate glass of cordial.
*it is at this point the reader should press play on their copy of the theme tune to SOME MOTHERS DO ‘AVE ‘EM*
As I untwisted the knot of wires that had cumulated over a period of weeks, I accidently knocked over the glass of cordial on to the bed. The glass hit the metal frame and smashed into little pieces and that is where the purple stains came from - it's nothing naughty! (you filthy minded perverts- yes Lily I'm looking at you)
As for the lightning rod burn mark….
|I am in SO much trouble...|
I realised too late that my brilliant idea of being helpful was not helpful in any way shape or form and instead opted to try and clear up after myself.
I mopped up as much of the stain as I could with a towel (now ruined) and used some Vanish spray to clear up the liquid.
The bed sheet was of course soaking wet and my brain went into overdrive with fantastic solutions.
I grabbed the good lady’s hairdryer and started to blow dry the crap out of that sucker.
I failed to realise, quite quickly, that the hairdryer was super hot, and in my attempt to dry up my mess in a timely fashion… burnt a bloody hole into the bed.
This, if ever an excuse was needed, is why men do not use hair dryers and should in no way be allowed to try and tidy up.
It’s not within our remit. We are not capable as a gender to tidy up. We are only capable of making things much MUCH worse.
|proof of uselessness #258|
Let this be a lesson to all you women out there that us men as totally and utterly useless…. Well, I am anyway.