2 Years Of Marriage And It Has Come To This

Today (the 10th) sees myself and Mrs H celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary.

For two whole years I have been legally obliged to to be under the thumb, told off for snoring (even I don't snore), give up my half of the bed and worst of all..... share things!


Mrs H, for her part, spends money like it's going out of fashion, farts like a trooper (even though she says it's not her) and enjoys 4/5ths of the bed and snores (she definitely does).

As our anniversary approached, I asked Mrs H what she want to do to celebrate our union together.

"I want to go away somewhere."

"Oh like into town, or Frankie and Bennys or something?"

"No, you bloody cheapskate. I want to do something different... something we can both enjoy."

"Netflix and pizza?"

"You're an idiot."

"I know... I have blog about it and everything."

"Are you still writing that? Nobody reads it, why do you bother?"

"..."

"You're an idiot"

"..."

"um... yea... So where would like to go, sweet Thistle of mine?"

*thinks*

*shows evil grin*

"Got it! We're going here!"

"Oh bum"

So there you have it. Booked for next weekend, Myself, Mrs H and a few mates are all going to be run at, chased, harassed, abused and generally scared shitless by real life zombies!

I'm not sure what part of this I'm supposed to enjoy, but I think the thought of seeing me curled into the foetus position, blubbing like a wretch is probably right up her street.

Mrs H is very excited..... and is also some kind of sadist.

Today we went to Frankie and Bennys.

A-Z challenge - Ant Bum Hole and Zombies

this post was originally going to be the funniest thing in the world ever - honest. But due to events outside of my control I am forced to write a heavy handed rant about something else.
This post was written in haste and in anger.

If you are easily offended by things and stuff and the occasional use of grown up language - leave now.

This was supposed to be a nice and warm welcome to the A to Z challenge.  I had a really good post pre-written and ready to rock.

But that is not going to happen and it’s all thanks to Facebook and it’s idea to have suggested posts.

I understand the principal to make money. Facebook is a company and has shareholders and the like and I have nothing against capitalism.

But when some little bugger from god knows where, who I have never heard off starts filling up my timeline with spoilers – SPOILERS!!!! – for things I like…. Well, that’s when it gets serious.

I am a geek. This is common knowledge. I like zombies, I collect zombie books and watch zombie films 

(one was even in French and had subtitles which means I’m probably well clever or something) and have read the odd zombie book. I have even met the Charlie Adlard, the artist for the Walking Dead comic.

What I don’t want to see is how the next episode of the walking ends without knowing I am about to see it.

This is exactly what happened last night.

There I was happily scrolling along Facebook seeing what my friends have been up to over the weekend (drinking mainly, bunch of dirty drunks) when without so much as a word of warning a huge picture comes into view with massive writing that says ***** **** ******! I couldn’t believe it. The next episode of the walking is due this week and they have gone and told the whole world that ******* ** **** ***** with *****8 and *****************.

You may notice that I have purposefully blanked out words and added a few extra ***’s for good measure because I don’t to spoil it for you just in case you do want enjoy a perfectly good show.

Wwwwwwhhhhhhyyyyyy........

I, however, did not have that luxury.

I was visually raped by some little turd who has spent money to promote their website and has done it by spoiling one of the few show I actually like.

This is something that can not be undo.

The so-called “people for the unethical treatment of zombies (putz)” (<-yes really!!) have made an enemy of me today.

A joke is a joke and that’s all well and good. But to spoil something for no good reason and without the option to opt out of looking is beyond the pail.

Today I declare that I will hunt down the little shit responsible and kick his ass from here to there and back again.

God I am so angry is makes my head hurt.

Here is no reason to spoil other enjoyment of things unless you have a brain the size of ant’s bum hole.

And what’s more, I now have to re-write the letter B in the month long blogging thing because I have had to 

change the letter A.

So yea. Welcome new readers. I am a grumpy angry man who like comics zombies and talking a load of old toot.

If I don’t see you again I will understand.

If you come back for more – there is something wrong with you.

Well worth a watch if you don't mind reading words...

EDIT: I have just realised, this is probably the first a to z blog that will mention the word Zombie. Therefore I win! - Don't argue I'm not in the mood.

Film Review: Resident Evil 5

WARNING: there is a spoilery bit at the end of this review, but other than that, if you want a good and honest review of a film without spoilers then this is the one for you.

I have just got back from watching the latest in the series of zombie apocalypse type films that go by the name of Resident Evil.

I will start this review by letting you I give a six out of ten. (as usual)

Here is why:

The film is in 3D. I am not a big fan of 3D films.

A Zombie Gnome - Not seen in the film

At some point in the pre-production I am sure there is a conversation that goes a little bit like this:

 “We must have at least 17 shots of something being flung toward the screen in super slo-mo because we have paid a ton of cash for this 3D camera and I’ll be a monkeys uncle if we don’t let everyone know how cool we are.”  Says the director/producer.

“fair enough boss.” Replies every nodding yes man in the room.

And so the script writers are forced fed super strength coffee and red bull mixers while they work furiously trying to work out how this 19^th century love story can viable have a load of bullets and an exploding car swimming toward the viewers eyeballs.

Resident evil didn’t have this problem as everyone knows, where there are zombies there are always 

ALWAYS flaming cars and lots and lots of bullets zipping around toward the camera.

That said, the script is bloody awful. The best lines include:

Something for the blokes...

“You are making a mistake”

“get out of my way”

To ensure this post remains spoiler free I will not reveal who is in who’s way and who is making a mistake. To be honest I’m not sure why this piece of dialogue sticks in my head as other parts such as – “I’m going to get you” and “good luck with that.” Will not win anybody any Oscars.

All the women wear tight fitting ill-informed dresses for fighting and running (it’s no wonder they always fall over then they are on the run)

All the men have long hair and/or too many muscles than is good for them.

Nobody has a back story even the people who have been in the previous movies and were killed off in glorious Technicolor.

... And something for the ladies.

But none of this matters. When it comes to the Resident Evil franchise none of us walk into the cinema expecting to have our philosophical muscles flexed. We want lots of guns, explosions, gravity defying back flips. On this count the film delivers.

On any other level you could possibly conceive – it doesn’t.

SPOLIERY BIT:

The first ten minutes are a re-cap of the previous 8 films, it’s got her off of the third film, him from the fourth and the other one from the first one and the baddie form the first, second and third films…um… and the fourth.

A Cryptic Clue for those that like cryptic clues.

It was a bit like one of those episodes they used to do on friends when they had run out of ideas and just did a recap.

That is why this film gets a six.