Doctor Who: A Thoughtless Gibberish Exclusive.

So Matt Smith has given up being Doctor Who.

The question on everybody's lips is "Who will be the next man to enter the TARDIS?"

The answer can be exclusively revealed here on TG.

The new Doctor is......

Me.

That’s right. Bumferry Hogart is going to be the next Doctor.

You heard it here first (unless you follow me on twitter cos I said there first)

I’m going to be a brilliant doctor.

I’ve my sidekick lined up and everything.

Here he is….

Jim is the one on the right.

He is called Jim.

I will keep in on the end of a stick, but that wont stop him getting into all sorts of intergalactic trouble every week.

Bloody jim.

There will be a few differences on my version of the show.

First up, the TARDIS.

The TARDIS will look quite different.

Due to cut backs (because my salary is astronomical – pun intended) the special effects crew will have to work with what they can find in scrap yards…. Like they do already.

Here is the new TARDIS…

The new look TARDIS

In a change to the normal show, the new TARDIS will be smaller on the inside than it is on the outside. It has a toilet and a little oven though.

I will be insisting that the name be changed to Doctor Whom, so that it is grammatically correct.

Also, due to cut backs, all alien worlds will look exactly like a field somewhere in Shropshire and all the aliens will look like the sort of people who go caravanning.

The Daleks will have a new look and to the untrained eye might resemble a 6kg butane gas cylinder and from a distance the Cybermen will look a little bit like my postman.

Most of the episodes will involve me teaching Jim how to use a tin opener or helping him with his colouring in.

There may or many not gratuitous full frontal ham fisted acting... if you are lucky. 

I know it doesn’t sound much on paper, but trust me (and the BBC) it’ll blow your flipping socks off.

All together now:

DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DIDDLEY DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM OOO-EEE-OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO-EEE-OOOOO…..ETC.

No Smoke Without Fire

“Throw enough shit and some of it sticks” or so said the late Rod Hull.

With that in mind I shamelessly present a list of statements that may or may not be true about certain celebrities, famous names and or people in the public eye.

I leave up to the persons mentioned in here (or their lawyers) to denounce the lies written bellow.

If even one of these so called facts is true, then we live in a very sick and twisted word.

If you know of any pseudo-fact that should belong on this list or have any cold hard evidence that may prove any of the terrible things I have made up on the spot, please feel free to share.

Here we go!

• Alistair Stewart (of ITV news and police camera action fame) enjoys chewing on balsa wood as a treat.

• Bill Gates has vowed not to “do a toilet” until they start putting the cardboard strip back in bounty’s.

• Philip Scofield was born without any gender specific genitalia.

• Janet Jackson can kick a cat over 26 feet without taking a run up and bloody loves it.

• Jamie Oliver spits in every single packet of Sainsbury’s taste the difference range.

• Sean Connery refuses to believe in the country of Japan.

• In 1993 Dame Judy Dench punched a nun so hard the nun became diabetic before she hit the ground.

• Tim Roth is the only person in the world who can tickle himself silly until he does a little wee.

• David Cameron is not allowed in the same room as anyone with a mole on their face because he won’t stop screaming.

• Only 7% of Americans are self aware.

• The smallest man in the world is a fraud. He is actually just a bit further away than you think.

• Jonny Depp is knocking off Helena Bonam-Carter and Tim Burton loves it.

• Popeye was a rapist.

• Only 4% of British people can read the word                   .

• Barak Obama sometimes forgets to wash his hands properly after he has been to the little boys room.

• David Dimbleby hates the working class so much he refuses to handle coins in case a pauper has “breathed on it” (his words not mine)

• Ricky Gervais does not use toilet paper when wiping his bum.

• Paul Simon is incapable of swallowing.

• Harry Hill is bald because he lost all his hair in a bet with Bill Odie over whether or not “dwarves can swim”

• Jeremy Kyle sniffs the chairs of his guests after each and every show and sighs the words “AAAh Bisto” so it echos around the empty room.

• Steven Hawkins is a sexual predator and only uses his wheelchair to get sympathy sex from 2^nd year physics students.

• Myleen Klass couldn't give a shit.

• Prince William is afraid of the dark and only married Kate because she is luminous which why he makes her walk a lot in sunny countries.

• Lenny henry died in a waffle incident in 2002 but nobody told him.

The internet if rife with rumours, why shouldn't this blog be any different.

“There’s no fucking smoke without fire” – Ghandi. 

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

I'm not stupid… well, ok I am stupid. But im stupid about things are too clever. Things like science and computers and stuff.

I have no idea what toothpaste is made of. I know its got fluoride in it but beyond that… nowt.

How does the TV work? Pass.

How do they make chocolate éclairs? Wouldn’t know even if you told me.

What does APR mean? I used to work in a bank and even I don’t know.

That’s my kind of stupid. Not knowing the things your not supposed to know is okay in my book.

Being stupid is one thing. Being thick is another.

75% of 256 agree, but 1 in 4 DON'T!

When I say thick, I’m talking about the kind of people who see a door that says push and try to pull it. Not once, but continuously until the door gives way or a member of staff kindly shows them the error of their ways.

The sort of special thick that freak out and point at the sky when the moon is visible during the day.

You will know somebody like this. You will know at least one person who has stayed on the phone when they received the call that goes like this…

“This is an important call regarding you PPI claim…” I don’t know what is said after that because I hang up. I hang up for two reasons. One is that I am lucky enough to not have a loan that ever had PPI and two – the number the calls come through are the business line and the business has never taken a loan out without my knowledge.

Beyond stupid and thick are the morons. Morons live their life by BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO. They take very little responsibility for their lives and rely on the flickering box in the corner of the living room (or up on the wall as seems to the fashion these days – which just proves a point).

I like to think that I am the sort of person who is immune to the lure of advertisements.

It’s very rare that I ever have to suffer the mind numbing boredom of having to watch and listen to 3 minutes of utter tripe (other animal stomach linings are available) of corporate gadgets, gifts and gizmos thanks to the beautiful invention of fast forwarding capabilities of a certain satellite TV providers equipment.

However, on the odd occasion that I do catch one these adverts a number of things happen.

79% of 261 = 206.19

Firstly, I do not believe a single solitary word that is shouted at me, flashed in big bold purple letters or scrolled across the screen.

Secondly I try to concentrate on the teeny tiny blurred small print that exists on screen for a shorter time than it takes an amoeba to count all its fingers.

Thirdly, I have the ability to do simple math.

Here are some screen shots taken form genuine adverts currently shown in the UK (where possible the brand has been removed to protect the guilty).

I often find myself laughing (and one time I even realised I had guffawed which was quite disconcerting indeed) at how these marketing media types think we are all so gullible and so easily lead to buy their products and services like sheep (other farm animals are available).

When I see a slow motion guy staring at his Big Mac with what seems to be more than just hunger in his eyes, I do not feel the need to scoff down a burger.

Never before in my life have I had the urge to clean my gob after witnessing a man of dubious medical qualification harass an innocent woman in a shopping centre and verbally abuse her about how soft her teeth are.

I could not give the slightest toss about feminine hygiene products that save time, waste, spillage and/or have wings or strings.

What really boils my blood is the lies these snakeoil merchants peddle out.

Its now got so bad that they don’t even bother to try and hide bull poop.

Check these examples out on this post. All taken from real life adverts that just bullshit their way between your televisual pleasures.

* Scientifically "silky smooth". is that a thing?

The math just doesn’t work. No matter how you cut it.

Lies all lies!

Then I realised there was one single solitary advertisement that has me. Hook line and sinker.

The one thing that I can not resist.

It could very well be my Kryptonite (other alien meteorite rocks that stop super-humans are available).

I don’t want to name the product itself, but suffice to say, there is an advert on TV that makes me want to have a bowl of flakes made of corn that has a certain crunch of nuts.

I flipping love ‘em. But that does not mean you should. You probably wouldn’t like them now I think about it.