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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Tuesday, 21 August 2012

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors

I'm not stupid… well, ok I am stupid. But im stupid about things are too clever. Things like science and computers and stuff.

I have no idea what toothpaste is made of. I know its got fluoride in it but beyond that… nowt.

How does the TV work? Pass.

How do they make chocolate ├ęclairs? Wouldn’t know even if you told me.

What does APR mean? I used to work in a bank and even I don’t know.

That’s my kind of stupid. Not knowing the things your not supposed to know is okay in my book.
Being stupid is one thing. Being thick is another.
75% of 256 agree, but 1 in 4 DON'T!
When I say thick, I’m talking about the kind of people who see a door that says push and try to pull it. Not once, but continuously until the door gives way or a member of staff kindly shows them the error of their ways.

The sort of special thick that freak out and point at the sky when the moon is visible during the day.
You will know somebody like this. You will know at least one person who has stayed on the phone when they received the call that goes like this…

“This is an important call regarding you PPI claim…” I don’t know what is said after that because I hang up. I hang up for two reasons. One is that I am lucky enough to not have a loan that ever had PPI and two – the number the calls come through are the business line and the business has never taken a loan out without my knowledge.

Beyond stupid and thick are the morons. Morons live their life by BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO. They take very little responsibility for their lives and rely on the flickering box in the corner of the living room (or up on the wall as seems to the fashion these days – which just proves a point).
I like to think that I am the sort of person who is immune to the lure of advertisements.

It’s very rare that I ever have to suffer the mind numbing boredom of having to watch and listen to 3 minutes of utter tripe (other animal stomach linings are available) of corporate gadgets, gifts and gizmos thanks to the beautiful invention of fast forwarding capabilities of a certain satellite TV providers equipment.
However, on the odd occasion that I do catch one these adverts a number of things happen.
79% of 261 = 206.19

Firstly, I do not believe a single solitary word that is shouted at me, flashed in big bold purple letters or scrolled across the screen.

Secondly I try to concentrate on the teeny tiny blurred small print that exists on screen for a shorter time than it takes an amoeba to count all its fingers.

Thirdly, I have the ability to do simple math.

Here are some screen shots taken form genuine adverts currently shown in the UK (where possible the brand has been removed to protect the guilty).

I often find myself laughing (and one time I even realised I had guffawed which was quite disconcerting indeed) at how these marketing media types think we are all so gullible and so easily lead to buy their products and services like sheep (other farm animals are available).

When I see a slow motion guy staring at his Big Mac with what seems to be more than just hunger in his eyes, I do not feel the need to scoff down a burger.

Never before in my life have I had the urge to clean my gob after witnessing a man of dubious medical qualification harass an innocent woman in a shopping centre and verbally abuse her about how soft her teeth are.

I could not give the slightest toss about feminine hygiene products that save time, waste, spillage and/or have wings or strings.
What really boils my blood is the lies these snakeoil merchants peddle out.
Its now got so bad that they don’t even bother to try and hide bull poop.
Check these examples out on this post. All taken from real life adverts that just bullshit their way between your televisual pleasures.
* Scientifically "silky smooth". is that a thing?
The math just doesn’t work. No matter how you cut it.
Lies all lies!

Then I realised there was one single solitary advertisement that has me. Hook line and sinker.
The one thing that I can not resist.
It could very well be my Kryptonite (other alien meteorite rocks that stop super-humans are available).

I don’t want to name the product itself, but suffice to say, there is an advert on TV that makes me want to have a bowl of flakes made of corn that has a certain crunch of nuts.
I flipping love ‘em. But that does not mean you should. You probably wouldn’t like them now I think about it.


  1. Well Mr H it was like looking in a mirror so to speak almost all the way to the end, in fact only last night I was told off for shouting at an advert that effectively said this toothpaste will grow your teeth back.

    But then you mentioned flakes made of corn with the crunch of nuts, sorry Mr H but I am a Coco pops man myself. I don't have a huge bowl each morning so a box can last 3 weeks or more and it needs to be full cream milk, none of that watered down stuff that they call healthy.

    But had it not been for this small diversity in our starts to the day I would be convinced we were clones (although I am the handsome one)..

    1. I am partial to the pops of coco as well (im not a copy cat or nofink) I couldn't bare to get a picture of the toothpaste adverts as they enrage me so much. I dont even like the Crunchy cornflake adverts come to that, but they do make me want some. Guess what Im going to have now. hahahaha.

  2. i`ve gone full circle with adverts now. if i see an advert on tv that i`ve not laughed at or ignored already, i assume it`s because that company is desperate for business.

    also - " not actual game footage " - WTF ?!?

    1. Never understood that myself. Im not into games but when they show some spectacular scene of stuff blowing up in slo mo and things whizzing past in high Def with a little tag at the bottom delcaring "Its not anywhere near as good as this" It does make me wonder what depths we will sink to next in order to sell the next load of crap that needs shifting.

  3. The goggle box is a fountain of lies and harks back to the days of satanism and witchcraft!

    In Televisual land, children's uniforms are made from Teflon and are crease free. (Tell that to my iron!) When a child spills something, mum doesn't scream, "next time you spill that sodding juice, i'm gonna glass you. Kitchen towels are bloody expensive you know." Periods are an event to be celebrated, while body spray will have women clamoring to get into your pants, as if women are that superficial...you have to buy us dinner first.

    1. If only it was that easy. Mrs H defines dinner as shoes, a dress, a holiday, a very uncomfortable sofa, a dog, a big TV, another dress, some more shoes and a bottle of wine.

  4. Hey, TV has been lying to us for years, why should it stop now? Apparently, there never was a soup dragon on the moon, no such thing as a Smurf, and Mr Benn has never been to a costume shop in his life!

    1. WHAT not Mr Benn too......O my god this is terrible. I have based my life on a sham......... DAMN

    2. I am unable to clarify Mr Benn's actual occupation, but I can confirm that the real reason NASA sent Curiosity to Mars was to ascertain if Mr Spoon has relocated from the moon to the Red planet.

  5. Have you tried this Lion Bar cereal? I like the sound of this Lion Bar cereal. I don't even eat cereal. I'm off to get some Lion Bar Cereal.


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