Europe and Bigger Chicken Eggs.

Now that the weather seems to have calmed down a bit, the good folks of Blighty may be forgiven to think that they nothing to talk about.

But fear not my fellow Brits, thanks to those hard working, honest, diligent (haha)members of parliament are (for once) keeping their promise to offer the public a referendum on whether or not we should stay part of the European Union.

There are those who say we should stay and there are those who say we should go and there appears to be another group who say we should leave but are not the same as the other group who say we should leave.

It's as if the Clash knew all along that this question would one day raise it's head, and are probably set to cash in bucket loads of wonga in repeat fees for their tune as the debate heats up.

But setting aside the frugal naming of classic songs for a moment, let us consider the pro's and cons of being part of the EU.

Unfortunately, at the time of writing, the ground is very thin on facts and truth.

The best I can come with are as follows:

Staying in:

• Being part of Europe means the cost of wonderful food like baguettes, Danish pastries, German beers, Italian sausage and eating in a Tapas bar will remain at reasonable levels of cost.

• If we leave Europe the cost of moving the Land mass of the UK into international waters would be astronomical and could result in more flooding and things falling off the sideboard as we rock about on the open waves. Not to mention the amount of shovels we will need to buy in order to shift over to the left a bit (probably to the other side of Ireland) 

• Leaving Europe means the average temperature will drop dramatically. Currently Mediterranean countries with more sunshine increase the average temperature of European nations by a good few degrees. Being a stand alone country will mean our average temperature will be much less and that will cause heating bills to go up.

• Staying in Europe means we will be able to watch more of those brilliant cop drama's where detectives from two nations have to work together to solve a murder that happened right on the border whilst wearing those lovely warm jumpers... love those shows!

• Staying in Europe means we can still play the Euro lottery. If we leave the EU then all you have left is the shitty UK lottery which is a proper rip off.

Leaving Europe:

• We will no longer feel the need to eat all that foreign muck like, baguettes, Danish pastries, German beers or Italian sausages in Tapas bars. yukky!

• The chances of accidentally ordering and consuming snails covered in garlic will be reduced by 75% or more.

• Nobody will have to suffer the nightmare that is the Eurovision Song Contest.

• No more shall the people of Britain have to sit through those 137 hour long Danish dramas about a jumper wearing detective who has to solve the murder of a man found on a bridge/in a tunnel/ across some kind of border. You know the one's, where everything is a shade of dullness and nobody smiles and is sad and the word melancholic is etched into your brain for all eternity and how itchy do those jumpers look... grrr.

• We won't have to share our lottery wins with Jonny Foreigner. Instead, UK gamblers will be able to spend their two pounds on an extra lottery ticket.

SO there you are.

10 perfectly valid reasons to either stay or leave.

You will, no doubt, hear a lot of twaddle and down right lies over the next few months about immigration, terrorism, employment, law making and the economy in general from politicians.

None of them will be telling the truth.

Especially the ones who tell you chickens will lay bigger eggs if we leave/stay.

So the next time you find yourself in a heated conversation about the upcoming referendum, remember this post and share it your friends.

Not only will it save your friendship/marriage/job but it will also help idiots to make up their minds properly.....probably.

Emojiphobia.

There are some folks in the world who don't like people because of their different skin colour, or country of birth, or they don't like people who have different dangley bits than them.

These people are known as racists and sexists.


Then there are people like me. Emojiphobics.

The Emoji (which is of itself a stupid bloody word) for those who don't know, are those little yellow faces you may see in the posts of people who are incapable of expressing themselves through the written word.

There are smiley face ones. These are used to denote happiness.

Then there are red faced frowning ones. These are used to to show anger or rage at a thing.

There are a growing number of different ones, but two is my limit. If I have to describe more than that, I will end up throwing my computer out of the window. (red faced frowning face).

I'm sure that the words in brackets in that sentence above were not required. I hope that between my own written expressions and your personal intelligence, between us, we were able to convey a fully explored emotional base line as to how I feel.

It did not require the use of hieroglyphics - a brand of text that died out thousands of years ago, by the way!

The ever increasing use of emoji in electronic conversations is becoming a real issue.

It was not that many years ago that people began to use "textspeak" in real life.

Many of us will still remember and shudder in disgust at the first time we ever heard somebody actually say the word LOL.

Why would anybody do that?

LOL?

If you find something amusing, just laugh.

It is an instinctive reaction. You don't even have to think about it. Just let it out.

To say the word LOL instead of actually laughing out loud is moronic and a waste of others time. Especially the person who has made you laugh. They are busy people and don't have time for your inappropriate code words.

Emoji are on the verge of becoming the new textspeak.

How long will it be before somebody figures out a way of verbally expressing a smiley face or a yellow face with shades on into the middle of a sentence?

What will be the reaction of the recipient?

It will all end in tears I tells ya!

Very soon, within our lifetimes, real life conversations will end up just being random words and noises that will require a handbook in order to decipher the bile being spoken.

"Smiley face, ice cream cone, dog, sun shine, purple blob, purple blob, balloon?"

They will ask.

I will destroy them with terrible vengeance.

Never to be seen again.

Because I am an Emojiphobic.

Twitter and the Sexy Beast: A Champions Tale

Today I have been mainly basking in my own glory.

Google really does produce the most
amazing search results

This week has had me attacking twitter and the so-called celebrities within along @Olliethepigeon in an attempt to gain the most re-tweets and replies.

7 sevens have passed and the looser would have to ... well... you can see what the looser had to do here: 

But that pigeon isn't the looser.

the celeb's are. Between us, we must have sent over 200 begging, pleading and violent tweets and collectively we received a piss poor effort of 9 replies/re-tweets and famous followers.

That is rubbish.

Famous people are dicks. Ignorant and selfish and self absorbed morons who don't care about idiots like me who just need a little bit of justification for their existence.

So well done to @Olliethepigeon and Muppets For Justice for their efforts in what has been a very trying week.

Ollie is a sexy beast (but I am beastier!)

Carry on.

with special thanks to the ghost of Terry Nutkins. (see Twitter for more details)

CGGTNMYAPTFAGK

Having just returned from watching the Marvel Avengers film (why are you rolling your eyes? I’m i told you I’m a comic book geek) I feel it is my duty to lay down a few rules about frequenting the cinema.

It was a very Good film..

Whether or not this has been discussed before is a mute point as, for the very last time, I have shown enough restraint with the idiotic members of the human race who are willing to pay through the nose to NOT sit still and enjoy the hard work made by others.

Why in the name of, which ever god you believe in, do people (THAT YOU PROBABLY KNOW) feel that it is acceptable to stand up, walk around and make so much noise when it is obviously clear that the other 200 or so people in the very same room are there to be entertained by professional people and not YOU.

Therefore for the benefit of all humanity I have produced this handy cinema goer’s guide to not making yourself a potential target for a good kicking (c.g.g.t.n.m.y.a.p.t.f.a.g.k. for short)

Ooh Err..

CGGTNMYAPTFAGK

STEP ONE:           Before leaving the house and again before entering the screening room, go to the toilet. Even if you don’t think you need the loo, go anyway. Nobody likes to stare at the silhouette of someone with all the bladder control of a pensioner/infant. Sort that shit out guy!

STEP TWO:          Always remember before you enter the cinema, stop and have a little think to yourself so that you know exactly which film it is you want to watch. DO NOT be that person who gets to the front of the line and then “umms” and “aaahs” about which film to watch – you will be the first against the wall come the revolution.

STEP THREE:       Share the tills: If you are with another cinema goer, please use one till to buy your tickets and/or buy popcorn – there is no excuse to use two tills.

STEP FOUR:        Take note of the time when buying your tickets and drinks and snacks. DO NOT enter the screening room once the film has started. Its easy to do – JUST DON’T BE LATE.

STEP FIVE:           Always turn off your mobile device and end any and all conversations BEFORE you enter any room that has diminished lighting. Seriously. Shut the hell up. I don’t care whatever it is you want to say to the idiot you waddled in with. In fact, I doubt very much that the moron who paid for your ticket and massive sweets has any interest in whatever oral faecal matter you are spitting from your fat bum shaped mouth. JUSTSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP....

Shut the F*@K up Bitch

STEP SIX:              Remember when locating your seat (assuming you are free to choose) don’t use the seat nearest the aisle. other people will inevitably need to move past you. Also do not use the empty seat next to you as a coat stand. Its not and locker for your handbags, scarves, coats or any other paraphernalia.

STEP SEVEN:       Do not allow yourself to make any unpleasant smells, wither by eating foul smelling monster munch (what the hell do they put in beef flavour monster munch? That stuff is vile) nor should you allow your body to produce any odours. By following step one you should be able to reduce the risk of “little accidents” caused by cushion shuffling! Plus don’t turn up anywhere smelling like of tramp.

By following these simple and easy instructions you and your fellow film enthusiasts can ensure that you will spend the best two hours in a dark room with a loads of strangers without having to touch each other.

Here is a handy mnemonic type thing to carry around in your heads – or even say out loud when you spot somebody infringing these simple seven rules of cinema - for easy referral next time you go to the talkies:

BASTARD!

2011 A Review - In 998 Words

2011. What a year it has been!

Celebrity deaths, protests, looting, warm summers and mild winters. Possible proof that the speed of light is an absolute may have been debunked and the continuation of the global fiscal worries filled the blank spaces of the nation press.

Artists rendition of the end of times

Nuclear explosions, earthquakes, the seven billionth human takes a breath and promptly defecates on the only planet known to be able to sustain life as we know it and more piss poor desperate faces off the television appearing in various jungles, ballrooms, ice rinks or houses made entirely of cameras and mirrors beg for the right to be recognised while those who couldn’t get in were appearing on news channels fist banging tables declaring the press to be an abhorrent monster that invades their lives without permission.

Oh and the only way is Essex (whatever that is)

How little did we know back in February

We start with the sad news that Pete Postlethwaite passed away in January. This was followed in February with some pranksters changing a petrol sign with the initials LOL (which means Laugh Out Loud, so I’m told).

March gave us a glimpse at one possible link in a chain of events that could lead to the end of the world with a tsunami near Japan, causing a crack in the wall of the Fukushima Nuclear power plant.  Cue exaggerated reports of how a nuclear cloud will envelope the UK and kill all the sheep etc.

News headlines were full to bursting point as we saw the hottest April in over 100 years here in the UK. Cue news reports of massive fatalities of heat stroke and melting pensioners etc.

In May UK politicians were no doubt suffering from sun stroke when Theresa May spouted some bull poop about “an illegal immigrant not being sent home because (and I’m not making this up) a cat.” Oh yes, and some guy called Osama was shot dead after 10 years on the run for instigating the worst terrorist attack in living memory. Cue many column inches of unverified reports of retaliation by extremist groups that didn’t really happen.

Somebody voted for these idiots

June allowed the newspapers to ponder the serious repercussions of how the Greek deficit will affect the rest of Europe and the world. Exaggerations and inaccurate fiscal calculations did nothing to alleviate the economy downturn.

July bounced around the corner, like a happy go lucky puppy dog, unlike Amy Whinehouse who died. The coroner stated that there were no drugs found in her system at the time of death, which must have surprised almost everybody in the whole universe. The tabloid press nearly broke their own arms off and the opportunity to write what they wanted about a dead girl.

August gave us final proof that there are too many people in the world and most of them are ungrateful moronic idiot oxygen thieves (see London riots). Newspapers continued their crazy assault on declaring the madness will never end ad infinitum.

In September there were over 2.5 million unemployed people in the UK, although there were still 12 pages of jobs in my local paper – and I live out in the sticks!!! I didn’t buy a paper in September so can’t remember what the papers had to say about that, but it probably wasn’t words of encouragement asking the people to help each other and rally round to make the country better.

There is a fine line between being deep and being pedantic - I should know!

October refused to let Steve Jobs carry on anymore and allowed those who should know better to relax their decorum muscles and act like they knew the guy personally by crying and acting like the idiots they are. *I have nothing against Mr jobs, but do wonder at the mentality of folk from thousands of miles away who happen to own a product made by a company that is run by someone who has died and they feel it is acceptable to wander around in front of the nearest TV camera and blub like a lost school girl at the news of a strangers death. He invented I-pods not the cure for cancer (which would be ironic)

This was also the month that the 7 billionth person was born, which I am neither happy nor concerned about in any way shape or form. The papers were blah blah... (You get where I’m going with this by now surely?)

"AH-HAAAAAAAAA!"

November has only just gone out of fashion and here in the UK people have been looking for a reason to get angry. Last year it was the snow. Boy were people mad/confused at the seasonal changes/ desperate to have a day off work! Unfortunately for them there has not been the slightest hint of snow this year and so those who receive the most holidays and best pay packets decided that they would have a day off anyway by holding a one day strike. Those poor lambs who have their pensions paid by the public purse want more money for themselves and fail completely to understand that government cuts have to come from somewhere and while every man woman and child in the UK is facing a reduced income while seeing the price of essential items rise on an almost daily basis, believe it is their constitutional right to down tools and demand that their pension pots are safe and secure.

It was also the month of the Leveson enquiry, which is to continue for a number of weeks and for some reason the newspapers have been rather quiet about the whole affair of how and why the self regulated national press association has allowed itself to act in the manner of aggressive thoughtless, brutal and emotionless money grabbing greedy bastards with no respect or honour for the suffering or innocent. Strange that.

December hasn’t really got going but I am left with an ever lurking sense of dread and loathing for what mankind has to offer.

According to weirdoes and mentalists the world is supposed to end next year so none of this really matters anyway.

Carry on.

 *other things did happen in 2011. Feel free to comment on your own memorable memories in the box below. cheers.

Three Comics walk into a blog...

I’ve been away from the internet for a couple of days and its took me a while to catch on things.

Its all been kicking off- 

I cant leave you lot alone for one minute and it makes my blood boil.

This is my 100th post on here and i wanted to make it a brilliant one. Something to look back on with pride and joy and that could be shared across the globe and make me famous and rich and desirable.

But no. YOU lot had other ideas and had to all act like little kids, meaning I’ve got to roll up my sleeves and sort you out again.

LISTEN UP THE INTERENT, YOU ARE IN BIG BOTHER!!!

It appears that Frankie Boyle has got a new book out.

Naughty Boy

Do you remember him?

He was that Scottish guy who shot to fame as the “no holes bared – he didn’t just say that did he” comedian from mock the week. Who mainly got laughs because he would spout the kind of humourless wit that other comedians thought was not suitable for a TV audience.

After a few series of this idiots guide to the news, Boyle left to perform his angry style of comedy to live audiences, who I imagine are the sort who couldn’t get tickets for Roy Chubby brown another comic who take delight in seeing people laugh at his puerile jokes.

Don’t get me wrong. I like a sick joke. If its told well and at the right time, a clever witty joke about certain news events can bring a wry smile and even a chuckle, but to make a career from spitting on the grave of a dead person or pointing out the differences of a disabled person just isn’t funny after about... oh say 1 minute.

Boyle and his like are one trick pony. They nothing else to say but “that guys a dick.” Or “she’s a slag isn’t she” and wait for the empty headed crowds to clap furiously like starving seals on parade.

But then we move on to the main event in which I witnessed the spiralling lines of Ricky Gervais ans and Richard Herring Fans over on Twitter. These two, who due to the kind of material they like to perform in their acts means they really should know better than to react - have been named amongst others in an argument over the use of the word mong.

Electronic broadbanded fingers have been pointed and accusations thrust onto the webpages of twitter and the like and I for one found it incredibly boring. I couldn't care less who is right and who is wrong. but the fact that I have spent 15 minutes of my very important life reviewing this gibberish is the reason I'M kicking off!

Stop Sulking Herring!

Beyond the rights of someone to use whatever word they use, be it mong or spaz or black or gay or any of the other 17 words that SOME people MAY find offensive or hurtful. Using any word as a slur CAN be effective if used in the right mode. When meant with venom or used to cause actual hurt, then the excuse of comedy goes straight of the window and we enter the world bullying and harassment.

Free speech is cried by one part and abuse by the other.

Somewhere off to the side is me. I shrug my shoulders and wait for it all to blow over.

But this silly little tit for tat, which has been fuelled by a number of “followers” makes twitter sound like a cult doesn’t it?

There really is no simple answer other than for all involved to act like adults. Adults who respect each other no to use childish puerile name calling and try to use bigger grown up words and for those others to by more adult and simply ignore those that would name call in the first place.

It all comes down to the fact there are fame hungry individuals out there who rather than try and evoke some kind of natural humour or show off a talent will resort to the lowest form of attention seeking and randomly attack until someone  shouts that they are wrong. But by then it’s too late. They are in the lime light and are receiving the and attention they crave.

On a final note. I enjoy the works of Richard Herring.

I have also been known to watch the works of Ricky Gervais.

Dissapointed, but i expect nothing less from you Gervais.

To my knowledge neither of them is aware of my work. Typical!

In conclusion, in typical British style this debate has fizzled out like a damp squib. If this were the Middle East or America or any other country with passion or a back bone there would debates in parliament and effigies burnt in every village and town across the land. Protest marches would spark up like wide fire and the whole bloody place would come to crawling stop until these two kissed and made up.

But it didn’t, it hasn’t and probably won’t. Because x-factor is still on and the apprentice is back next week.

Fickle. That’s what you lot are. Fickle.

Plus they’ll each get a 10 minute set or stand up defending themselves about it. So it was probably all a set up anyway.

So thanks a lot Ricky and Richard, for ruining my 100th Blog entry. I hope you are satisfied.

NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

Licence To Beg and Steal

All Hallows Eve is just around the corner.

Yea...why not?

Which means so are the pock marked, ASBO destined glue sniffing grey skinned foul breathed sticky fingered evil eyed shadow lurching granny thumping cat stealing self harming window smashing shop lifting spitting sweary uneducated unloved un-evolved little rat bastards that will one single solitary night to have free licence to barrage on peaceful neighbourhoods and demand protection money from the old the frail and the infirm.

This so-called holiday that has invaded the UK from the USA has somehow been seen as a free ticket to urban terrorism by yoofs.

In America, as far as I can tell, Halloween is a chance for kids to dress up in pirate costumes or ghost outfits or any as one of the many Disney characters whilst chaperoned by a responsible adult and collect candy and sweets from those houses in the area that are brightly light with pumpkins and fake cobwebs and the like, and can clearly be seen to be well into the swing of joining in the fun.

By contrast in the UK a bunch – correction – a gang of lawless thugs punch every door of their OWN estate and demand money whilst dressed in hooded tops and Nike trainers they looted the other month.

"givusyerfugginmoney!!!"

Regardless of whether or not the house is decorated for the occasion, this will not stop the demands for all and any cash or light weight household goods that can be used for barter.

In past years some have thought to turn off all the lights and keep the volume down on the TV so the vicious little rabid animals would walk on by. But this dear friends only encourages the nasty soulless bastards to piss through the letter box or set fire to your door.

The warning signs will start any night now, with the annual fireworks being thrown at cats and fire engines which has become something of a tradition in the UK although it does not get same amount of publicity as the changing of the guard for some reason.

"yoyoyo. trick, or like, treat or what eva y'getme!"

Kids and depressingly, as seen in every local newspaper last year, more and more adults are arrested and/or taken to hospital with burns to their faces because they have less understanding of the dangers of fire and heat and a loud bang than a pigeon.

I have to ask myself why there is such a huge difference between two nations that speak the same language and share the majority of the same public holidays.

How an it be that in the USA Halloween is seen as a great night out for kids and adults alike. The joy of dressing up and being out at night, while grownups can share in the delight of kids by innocently offering little bars of chocolate without fear of being hounded a sexual predator?

Flip back to the UK and the exact opposite happens.

This is what happens when you give kids too much sugar

Anarchy rules. If you are brave enough to venture out to cease the insistent walloping of your door with the vain hope that you would be able to reason with them, you will be faced by a barrage of abuse and named every sinful act under gods blue sky before being dragged from your home and beaten to within an inch of your life, fading in and out of conciseness, waking in hospital with only the whispered memories of your TV DVD player and wife being taken from your home. Never to be seen again.

Once released from hospital you return to your home to find nothing but a brunt out shell of timer and rubble only the very same bunch of kids to walk up to you and say.... “Penny for the guy!”

Roll on bonfire night.

Happy  holidays – and good luck to you all.

Could be a firework... or it could be your car.