2011. What a year it has been!
Celebrity deaths, protests, looting, warm summers and mild
winters. Possible proof that the speed of light is an absolute may have been
debunked and the continuation of the global fiscal worries filled the blank
spaces of the nation press.
Artists rendition of the end of times |
Nuclear explosions,
earthquakes, the seven billionth human takes a breath and promptly defecates on
the only planet known to be able to sustain life as we know it and more piss
poor desperate faces off the television appearing in various jungles,
ballrooms, ice rinks or houses made entirely of cameras and mirrors beg for the
right to be recognised while those who couldn’t get in were appearing on news
channels fist banging tables declaring the press to be an abhorrent monster
that invades their lives without permission.
Oh and the only way is Essex (whatever that is)
How little did we know back in February |
We start with the sad news that Pete Postlethwaite passed
away in January. This was followed in February with some pranksters changing a
petrol sign with the initials LOL (which means Laugh Out Loud, so I’m told).
March gave us a glimpse at one possible link in a chain of
events that could lead to the end of the world with a tsunami near Japan,
causing a crack in the wall of the Fukushima Nuclear power plant. Cue exaggerated reports of how a nuclear cloud
will envelope the UK and kill all the sheep etc.
News headlines were full to bursting point as we saw the
hottest April in over 100 years here in the UK. Cue news reports of massive
fatalities of heat stroke and melting pensioners etc.
In May UK politicians were no doubt suffering from sun
stroke when Theresa May spouted some bull poop about “an illegal immigrant not
being sent home because (and I’m not making this up) a cat.” Oh yes, and some
guy called Osama was shot dead after 10 years on the run for instigating the
worst terrorist attack in living memory. Cue many column inches of unverified
reports of retaliation by extremist groups that didn’t really happen.
Somebody voted for these idiots |
June allowed the newspapers to ponder the serious
repercussions of how the Greek deficit will affect the rest of Europe and the
world. Exaggerations and inaccurate fiscal calculations did nothing to
alleviate the economy downturn.
July bounced around the corner, like a happy go lucky puppy
dog, unlike Amy Whinehouse who died. The coroner stated that there were no
drugs found in her system at the time of death, which must have surprised
almost everybody in the whole universe. The tabloid press nearly broke their
own arms off and the opportunity to write what they wanted about a dead girl.
August gave us final proof that there are too many people in
the world and most of them are ungrateful moronic idiot oxygen thieves (see
London riots). Newspapers continued their crazy assault on declaring the
madness will never end ad infinitum.
In September there were over 2.5 million unemployed people
in the UK, although there were still 12 pages of jobs in my local paper – and I
live out in the sticks!!! I didn’t buy a paper in September so can’t remember what
the papers had to say about that, but it probably wasn’t words of encouragement
asking the people to help each other and rally round to make the country
better.
There is a fine line between being deep and being pedantic - I should know! |
October refused to let Steve Jobs carry on anymore and
allowed those who should know better to relax their decorum muscles and act
like they knew the guy personally by crying and acting like the idiots they
are. *I have nothing against Mr jobs, but do wonder at the mentality of folk
from thousands of miles away who happen to own a product made by a company that
is run by someone who has died and they feel it is acceptable to wander around
in front of the nearest TV camera and blub like a lost school girl at the news
of a strangers death. He invented I-pods not the cure for cancer (which would
be ironic)
This was also the month that the 7 billionth person was
born, which I am neither happy nor concerned about in any way shape or form. The
papers were blah blah... (You get where I’m going with this by now surely?)
"AH-HAAAAAAAAA!" |
November has only just gone out of fashion and here in the
UK people have been looking for a reason to get angry. Last year it was the
snow. Boy were people mad/confused at the seasonal changes/ desperate to have a
day off work! Unfortunately for them there has not been the slightest hint of
snow this year and so those who receive the most holidays and best pay packets decided
that they would have a day off anyway by holding a one day strike. Those poor
lambs who have their pensions paid by the public purse want more money for
themselves and fail completely to understand that government cuts have to come
from somewhere and while every man woman and child in the UK is facing a
reduced income while seeing the price of essential items rise on an almost
daily basis, believe it is their constitutional right to down tools and demand
that their pension pots are safe and secure.
It was also the month of the Leveson enquiry, which is to
continue for a number of weeks and for some reason the newspapers have been
rather quiet about the whole affair of how and why the self regulated national
press association has allowed itself to act in the manner of aggressive thoughtless,
brutal and emotionless money grabbing greedy bastards with no respect or honour
for the suffering or innocent. Strange that.
December hasn’t really got going but I am left with an ever
lurking sense of dread and loathing for what mankind has to offer.
According to weirdoes and mentalists the world is supposed
to end next year so none of this really matters anyway.
Carry on.
*other things did happen in 2011. Feel free to comment on your own memorable memories in the box below. cheers.
Very good review squire. You gonna be on one o' them I Love...shows?
ReplyDeleteDecember should be nice though. Lots of lovely cold milk off pensioners doorstops mounting up 'cause they've all been told to use less electric this year.
@October: Need to contact someone from the afterlife? There's an app for that...
ReplyDeleteGood article, although I have to disagree with you about the strikes.