What Ever Happened To Him Off The Tele?

Richard Briers has passed away. 

RIP - Mr Briers

 He is not the only famous name to pass away in recent years.

There have been many others.

This has led me to think about a thought I had quite recently involving famous people and  celebrities.

The thought was this: are we running out?

The answer is: I think we are.

Celebrity DNA
Far superior than  ours.

Celebrities are dying out at an alarming rate. Some estimates rate their decline to be almost as fast as the tiger or dragon.

There simply are not enough celebrities being born in the wild. Think about it. When was the last time you heard of a famous person being born?

Princess Kate is tubbed up as we all know, but beyond her when is the next one due?

By the time our future queen shits a baby out of her tummy there will probably be a good dozen famous deaths across the world.

Within our life time celebrities could become extinct.

Zoologists and scientists (them again) have tried in vain to breed celebrities in captivity. Most famously with televised experiments such as Big Brother and Dancing On Ice and the like, unfortunately due to the already dwindling supply of grade A celebrity genes, they have had to rely on lesser forms of commonly recognised names and faces.

Even with advent of four ITV channels spewing endless talent shows for the mentally malnourished, or any piss weak vehicle for Peter Andre to gurn his way through (note Andre is an anomalous creature who WAS famous for singing ONE song then became un-famous for a few years and then slept with a woman who breasts are more famous than she is and he became famous again) and even the tireless efforts of the morons who came up with the idea of following gypsies around for a bit are unable to repopulate celebrity livestock for any sustainable amount of time.

"If you want to be famous,
you'll have to lower  your right arm love.."

It has got the point where those in charge of repopulating the celebrity gene pool have resorted to classing none famous people as famous because they were accidently put in celebrity shows in a bid to make the lesser celebrity feel more important.

The repopulation of the celebrity world has become so diluted that some have been forced to adopt. Elton John, Brad Pitt etc. these mega celebrities are now unable to prepopulate their clans and have had to seek outside help.

This does solve the problem in the short term as their children become famous automatically but there is no guarantee that these offspring will stay famous as they mature.

If something is not done the DNA sequence that separates the mighty and great celeb will become so diluted with lesser forms of famousness that we are in danger of not having any recognisable names and faces for our future generations to admire, follow, sleep with, bribe or stalk.

Is this TOO little TOO late?

The problem of course, is that very few people have done anything worth y of being celebrated. The essence of being a celebrity is that you have done something worthy of praise.

Taking your clothes off, texting a footballer or singing badly is not in itself a reason to expect others to revere you in some god like state.

Being good at something however – does. Be it sport, art or changing the world in some way for the better should be enough to allow one to become a celebrity. Unfortunately being good isn't enough as our tastes have become so macabre and masochistic that nothing short of the most depraved acts of self worthlessness and desperation are enough to keep our interest for more than five minutes.

Fly by night one hit wonders do not a celebrity make. Nor does a lady without her vest on.

What we need are hero’s.

Champions.

What we have is Ashley Cole and some prick named Dappy. 

I have no idea and desire to know
who or what you think you are.

We are screwed!

Twitter and the Sexy Beast: A Champions Tale

Today I have been mainly basking in my own glory.

Google really does produce the most
amazing search results

This week has had me attacking twitter and the so-called celebrities within along @Olliethepigeon in an attempt to gain the most re-tweets and replies.

7 sevens have passed and the looser would have to ... well... you can see what the looser had to do here: 

But that pigeon isn't the looser.

the celeb's are. Between us, we must have sent over 200 begging, pleading and violent tweets and collectively we received a piss poor effort of 9 replies/re-tweets and famous followers.

That is rubbish.

Famous people are dicks. Ignorant and selfish and self absorbed morons who don't care about idiots like me who just need a little bit of justification for their existence.

So well done to @Olliethepigeon and Muppets For Justice for their efforts in what has been a very trying week.

Ollie is a sexy beast (but I am beastier!)

Carry on.

with special thanks to the ghost of Terry Nutkins. (see Twitter for more details)

I Am Not A Celebrity....Live

Here we go again. 

I'ts time for this great nation of ours to turn its brains off and leave common decency at the front door as ITV spans out a god awful attempt to keep idiots occupied in between showing advertisements for things you really don't need but will pay through the nose for because you saw it on the goggle box.

When its not the X Factor getting idiots knickers in a twist, its bloody "I'm a fucking nobody get me some publicity" or what ever it's called

.

For the briefest of seconds I allowed myself to glimpse at the line up of sad and desperate morons who still can’t understand that this is a show for the most desperate and fame hungry leeches.

Famous for throwing a pin in a wall.

From what I can remember there's a darts player, a comedian  from the 90’s (that’s 20 years ago folks!!) a politician who didn't tell anyone she was going to live in the jungle and a young lady soap actress who looks quite fetching with very little clothes on.

Famous for not having a penis or being fully nude (yet).

To be fair I did recognise more of the names this year (if not the faces) but why oh why would ANYONE want to go on this show – and why would anybody think it is a good idea to spend most of their Saturday night watching a dozen people who are not as famous as they would like to be trying their damned hardest to become more famous by eating a kangaroos bum hole.

This really is the lowest of the low.

There is nothing gracious or romantic about what they are doing. It is pure and simply the most vile and desperate actions of the worst that the bottom of the barrel has to offer.

Laughed at his own joke he told on TV more than two decades ago.

The bare faced shamefulness of these scum bags is highlighted by the fact that the only reason they are there is to highlight their profile. These people are getting paid A LOT OF MONEY to appear on this show. The money is not being raised for charity or to highlight a cause other than their own greed and vanity.

Even if you do look good in a bikini (Yes Eric Bristow, I'm talking to you) you really don’t need to parade your flawless skin and gravity defying ample breasts in a picture perfect waterfall …. um....Eric? No Eric for the love of GOD NOOOOOOoooooooo...........

Either a footballer or a rapist? Take your pick.

But beyond the fact that there is a semi-naked young woman on the TV who may or may not wash her hair in a pond (which has set twitter alight, and has caused me to to not go on twitter for the next few weeks) I really do not see any reason to sit and watch a bunch of nobodies moan about how hard it is to be famous and not have dry clothes or sky TV for 2 whole weeks.

It doesn't quite make it enough to force me to watch. It I want to watch a pair of tits on the TV I'll watch something with Ant and/or Dec in it.

Wait, what? THEY'RE IN AS WELL!!!!???

I'm just going to turn the TV off for a month and read a good book instead.

A pair of Famous tits.

Celebrity - All The Wrong People.

Last week Felix Baumgartner, who is a human man, jumped out of very small box and fell many many miles in a downward fashion to the ground and landed on his feet.

"wherestheladderwherestheladderWHERESTHELADDER!?!?!?!

On the way down he achieved a number of world records.

Felix Baumgartner is somebody who should be celebrated.

He should be a celebrity as opposed to a man who kicks a rubber ball into some netting or a woman who has mouthed words in sync with some musical notes or even a person who has married anybody who has performed any of those actions at one point in their life.

Those people are not celebrities.

And yet they are.

Nivea? Does he play for Spurs?

Millions upon millions of desperate individuals will have pictures, posters and likenesses of so called achievers hanging on their walls, in their wallets or even worse – inked onto personal parts of their bodies.

Why?

I truly cannot understand how nations of teenagers can hold a woman who wears very little clothes and can mime the same three lines of a song in such admiration yet could not possibly name five people who have made changes in the world of medicine, safety or technological advancement for millions.

"Thankyou caller... Putting you on hold!"

How can Mother Teresa who spent most of her life travelling around the world caring for those nobody else would touch with YOUR barge pole NOT be trending on the likes of Twitter while some bloody pre-pubescent smooth faced boy band called 1D be causing more cases of damp knickers since the local Marks and Spencer’s left their warehouse doors open during the last bout of flooding?

Yes, Mother Teresa is dead and has been for some time, but what about Ester Rantzen? She sits at home all day and night manning the phones of child line or something, Where are her adoring fans?

Just like a young Gok Wan...only more annoying.

I’ll tell you where, they are all queuing up for tickets to see mop headed idiot grinning Justin Bieber in his lovely pants and hipster sneakers.

The nob.

Mother of year.... true story.

Why, when asked, do most school kids want to be Katie “my tits come with a money back guarantee” Price or David “I kicked a ball” Beckham when they can make a change in the world with charitable work and be more like Lance Armstrong or Sir Jimmy Saville….

Jim'll Fix it badges are going dead cheap on e-bay this week! 

Oh yea..... I get it now.

No Smoke Without Fire

“Throw enough shit and some of it sticks” or so said the late Rod Hull.

With that in mind I shamelessly present a list of statements that may or may not be true about certain celebrities, famous names and or people in the public eye.

I leave up to the persons mentioned in here (or their lawyers) to denounce the lies written bellow.

If even one of these so called facts is true, then we live in a very sick and twisted word.

If you know of any pseudo-fact that should belong on this list or have any cold hard evidence that may prove any of the terrible things I have made up on the spot, please feel free to share.

Here we go!

• Alistair Stewart (of ITV news and police camera action fame) enjoys chewing on balsa wood as a treat.

• Bill Gates has vowed not to “do a toilet” until they start putting the cardboard strip back in bounty’s.

• Philip Scofield was born without any gender specific genitalia.

• Janet Jackson can kick a cat over 26 feet without taking a run up and bloody loves it.

• Jamie Oliver spits in every single packet of Sainsbury’s taste the difference range.

• Sean Connery refuses to believe in the country of Japan.

• In 1993 Dame Judy Dench punched a nun so hard the nun became diabetic before she hit the ground.

• Tim Roth is the only person in the world who can tickle himself silly until he does a little wee.

• David Cameron is not allowed in the same room as anyone with a mole on their face because he won’t stop screaming.

• Only 7% of Americans are self aware.

• The smallest man in the world is a fraud. He is actually just a bit further away than you think.

• Jonny Depp is knocking off Helena Bonam-Carter and Tim Burton loves it.

• Popeye was a rapist.

• Only 4% of British people can read the word                   .

• Barak Obama sometimes forgets to wash his hands properly after he has been to the little boys room.

• David Dimbleby hates the working class so much he refuses to handle coins in case a pauper has “breathed on it” (his words not mine)

• Ricky Gervais does not use toilet paper when wiping his bum.

• Paul Simon is incapable of swallowing.

• Harry Hill is bald because he lost all his hair in a bet with Bill Odie over whether or not “dwarves can swim”

• Jeremy Kyle sniffs the chairs of his guests after each and every show and sighs the words “AAAh Bisto” so it echos around the empty room.

• Steven Hawkins is a sexual predator and only uses his wheelchair to get sympathy sex from 2^nd year physics students.

• Myleen Klass couldn't give a shit.

• Prince William is afraid of the dark and only married Kate because she is luminous which why he makes her walk a lot in sunny countries.

• Lenny henry died in a waffle incident in 2002 but nobody told him.

The internet if rife with rumours, why shouldn't this blog be any different.

“There’s no fucking smoke without fire” – Ghandi.