The Craptacular Miasmatic Sternum Of Fatties In The Watford Gap

The Watford gap is not a place I am overly familiar with, but suffice to say it is one we all know to be the marker as to where the things that are better meet the other things that are not so good.

“It’s the best (insert locally produce item here) this side of the Watford gap!”

I don’t think it matters which side of the gap you are on, as what is on the other side is never going to be better than what you have on your side.

In its most simplest of forms it is a very subtle form of cheeky racism. “mine is better than yours because you are from somewhere that is not here.”

Its the sort of thing Vegans and Guardian readers will get their fair trade biodegradable knickers into an all mighty twist over. A sudden rush of blood fills there chest and a pounding sensation beats a world music rhythm against their hummus  stained STERNUM.

But how wide the gap is, or indeed its breadth  is debatable and such equations should be unravelled by those who know better than I.

And as for its purpose... Who knows?

Wikipedia states it is a point between two hills somewhere in England.

According to real life people I have asked, it appears to be a shrug of the shoulders followed by the action of walking away whilst shaking your head.

It could even by hypothesised that the Watford gap is in fact the breeding ground for vast quantities of bacteria, germs and other bits of filth. A MIASMA effect as it were. A place where bits of soot from “oop north”(latin “Ee f’buy ek lad oop norrrrth”) meet with the collective smog of “daaaarn saaaaarf” (or its latin “Daaaaaaaaaaaaarrrn Saaaaaarf youse slaaaaaaaag!”) and mix together to formulate a big old stink of CRAPTACULAR proportions.

Who is right? Who is wrong?

 I neither know nor care

But anyone who has had the misfortune of falling into said gap would undoubtedly be able to correctly inform the rest of us once and for whether or not the Watford Gap is in fact the deepest Gap this side of (insert local geographical landmark/pot hole here)

The Watford gap also raises a very important question in that, if a load of FATTIES (or super morbidly obese oxygen thieves to use their correct colloquialism) fell into the Gap (the hole not the shop) how many would be needed to plug and bung up such a vacumn?

Which leads me onto our next subject.

Questions and answers.

I propose to answer any and all unanswerable questions for part two of this silly little experiment of mine.

Pop what ever quandaries, enigmas and down right bloody annoyances you may have that need to be resolved and I will make it my mission to put right your wrongs. (a bit like quantum leap but without all the unnecessary kissing and blue light and morals)

Good luck. (t&c's apply)

With thanks to Darren, Rob and Addman.

Calm down

Sometimes it’s worth remembering that in the real world things can get scary.

Times can be hard.

There are those of us who live in fear of pain, death and torture each and every day.

Those of us who are lucky enough to have hot and cold CLEAN running water, a job, a roof over our heads sometimes forget just how lucky we are.

But then there are guys like Francis...

Please watch the video below all the way through.

I hope to which ever God is real that this is not a fake. I wish that this person actually exists, because if he does my self esteem just raised a little higher.

There are at least two points in this video i thought he was going to die...

The last 10 seconds made me do a little wee.

I’m not sure what it is he is so angry about, but boy, is he one angry fat guy!

Enjoy!

998 Words On The Demise Of The Film Industry

It seems that the latest fashion trend in Hollywood is film a “re-make” or “re-boot” of a film franchise.

Why?

I don’t understand the reason for remaking a film that was obviously successful enough to warrant somebody else to make their own version. It’s a paradox.

It doesn’t make sense.

Currently, the cinema going population will soon have the joy of spending their hard earned money on films such as:

The amazing Spiderman

Superman (the man of steel)

Escape from New York

Evil dead (although it seems this one has died a death ‘scuse the pun)

Total recall

Rise of the planet of the apes

Those are just six that spring to mind.

At first you may look upon that list and think “oh, great a remake of...” but you would be wrong.

The reason you are wrong is because it isn’t great they are making another version of any film. All of those above were good in their own right. There is no need to remake the originals. In some cases its seems stupid to even resurrect the story in the first place, but to simply dig up an old idea (some not even that old) and shit out a movie costing hundreds of millions of dollars for the sake of it seems stupid to me.

Let’s look at Spiderman as that is the one film that’s got everybody’s pants itching at the moment. 

Wherever I look on comments about this film I’m amazed to see so many people who “can't wait” or are “really excited” about seeing this film. How can this be? Go a rent the DVD at blockbusters if you want to see how Spiderman is born?

How on earth can it be justified to spend so much money on what is essentially a two dimensional character at best.

Three movies were made in the not too distant past and they fared quite well. A new original film would be deemed acceptable if the story justified it.

However, what we are told to expect is another version of the origin of the character that every single human with eyes and ears and a TV already knows about.

There is no reason to tell me again how peter parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and turned into a spider-man.

I know. My mum knows. The six year old godson knows. EVERYBODY KNOWS.

Why does Hollywood seem to think that I need to be told again?

The same goes for superman.

The day that somebody sits in a cinema somewhere and stands up half way through a superman film and says “hang on... how come that dude in the leotard can fly...that can’t be right?” is the day we might as well all jump of a bridge.

Why must we be forced to sit through 120 minutes watching how Clark Kent grows ups and figures out he is the son of a dead race and must save the earth from blah blah blah?

Listen up MGM, Time Warner and all you other film makers – WE DO NOT HAVE ALZHIEMERS!

Most of us anyway. And for those that do – most of us have the ability to watch the films you have made in the past by watching them on the glorious gift of DVD, digital download or even VHS tape. You really don’t need to waste your time and money making a new one for us. It fine. Honestly.

 Try something new.

But then there is the other side of this horrible monster that has crept into our lives... the other re-boot.

Escape from New York and more importantly Total Recall.

Both of these films are good in their own right. Total Recall is a favourite of mine. Even though by today’s standards the special effects are a little ropey, it doesn’t matter. The story, the pace and the action of this film more than make up for the lack of 3D special effects.

Although I still can’t look when Arnie smashes his visor and his eyes start to pop out – makes feel weird inside!

I know there will be a geek greater than I out there who would like to remind me that total recall was based on a book and the new film is going to be closer to the story in the book rather than a direct remake of the original film...

But my reply would be – SOD OFF.

There is a principle involved here.

If the movie making industry is allowed to continue this inaction of simply copying someone else’s work, tarting it up a bit, meaning that we – the paying audience have to sit through the same stories over and over again, where will it end?

The worst case scenario is that in a few years time there will only be one film being made but it will be made 25 times a year with different cast and a poncy director who wants to show a grittier version of what has come before”

I am aware of the argument that having a new lead actor in a film can harm the franchise and disrupt audiences but that is pure waffle. Look at James Bond... there has been loads of him and nobody said a word. Everyone has their favourite but you either love Bond or you don’t.

 Why should it be any different for other films?

On a final note I have heard of rumours that there are plans to “reboot” the terminator...

Now if that doesn’t make you want to post one of your poo to Hollywood then I don’t know what will.

I will not be attending any of the premiers of these films when they come out. Instead I will rip up my gold embossed invitations and toss them into the recycling.

Good night.

I have been advised that sending you poo in the post may be against the law as it is classed as bio-hazard and therefore cannot be sent in a package without paying due postage.

Saving The World 998 Words At A Time.

Professor Stephen Hawkins hasn’t said much for a while. In fact the last thing I can find on the internet is dated all the back to September 2010!

For someone who it is claimed is the cleverest man in the world, he’s gone a bit shy with answers to the latest problems facing our species of late....

So in his absence I opt for myself to take on the mantel of world’s problem solver.

Any objections?

No?

Sweet...

Here goes then.

Problem one:    WAR – most clever bods and left wing thinkers will take great pleasure in moaning on that war is all about is greed and money and that the only way to stop war is stop the wicked governments and smash up a McDonald’s window to show your disdain for capitalism. That is rubbish. The thing that smashing windows and having a protest does is cause traffic delays and raise insurance premiums. Oh, and allow the police to practice kettling routines.

There really isn’t a problem with war. War is good for many reasons. It allows great leaps in science and medicine for example. The Second World War allowed for the creation of many things we take for granted today. Air travel, motorways, microwave ovens, great leaps in surgery and medicine as well. And let’s not forget all those brilliant war movies like The Eagle has landed, Shindlers List, Ghostbusters two and Apocalypse now to name but three and another one.

The real problem people have with war is the killing. The deaths of civilians and of soldiers. That’s the bad part and I tend to agree. But without soldiers there would be no war. So my solution to war is to stop the soldiers fighting. But how to do this...

 

It’s very simple really. All you need are three things 1, a war zone. 

2 some soldiers fighting each other. 

3 a burger van.

Here’s how it works.

Wait for a couple of days of fighting (no one really gets near each other to do any serious damage in the few couple of days) until the round of rations have been eaten. Then simply parachute a couple of burger vans into “no-man’s land” and set up shop. But not burgers. THAT WOULDN’T WORK AT ALL. Instead start making bacon butties!

Nobody can resist the sweet fleshy smell of bacon butties – even vegetarians.

 

Put up a sign that says FREE BACON BUTTIES and watch ‘em flock in.

But Bumferry you damned fool what about people who don’t eat pork like Muslims and all that?

And there you have a good point were it not for the fact that I had already thought of that.

Simply make toast!

admit it - you want one!

Thick cut, heavily butter toast is the ultimate weapon to stop anybody in their tracks. Especially if it’s cut diagonally. For some reason toast cut into triangles tastes better.

As the soldiers for each side converge at the burger van, offer politely to take their rifles and guns away so they can take advantage of the tea and coffee on offer as well as hey presto! War over.

Piece of piss!

Problem two:    FAMINE –

Those images we have all seen on TV of starving kids and families in faraway lands can often bring a lump to your throat. But over the years since those first reports from Nicholas Whitchell in the 1980’s of Africa in famine and the resulting Live Aid events, we have all become a little immune to the horrors of others.

Charity events don’t quite cut it anymore. We can’t be bothered to give money. Not even red nose day or comic relief does it for me anymore. The promise of two bit comic’s dicking around until 2 am isn’t enough for me to put my hand in my pocket.

How to get around this problem?

Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

First some facts. Africa is a hot sunny country. That’s why it has so many droughts and therefore famines... so what to do?

The world monetary fund could give the continent of Africa an interest free loan to secure money to build the world’s biggest solar panel array. The people of Africa can be employed to “farm” fields of solar panels, keeping them clean and cool (solar panels only work under certain temperatures and stop working if they get too hot, which is a bit ironic!)

The energy made by the solar panel can be stored and sold to other countries around the world, in the same way oil is now. The people of Africa can get funding and corporate partnerships with other countries such as the USA UK etc to build the parts, train farmers build pipe line for water administrate the workforce and so on. Africa becomes a fully functioning power house for the world. The economy in each member state of Africa become richer over time with the guidance of those countries better suited and more used to running huge businesses.

The result is that the whole world has cheap renewable clean energy, Africa can afford to buy in food it needs and everyone agrees to make me king!

Get-in!!

Problem three: poverty/world economy –

See above.

That last idea was bloody brilliant I’m taking the rest of the day off!

Problem four: misc.

Most problems can be resolved very easily by simply ignoring them. Scary dogs, cancer, ghosts etc. Just ignore them and they will get bored of you if you don’t react.

Then again I might be wrong. I’m not perfect. I’m certainly no Stephen Hawking.

Speaking of which if he wants to take back what he once said about my mum I would be willing to listen to what he has to say, other that I have no interest in his lies and hateful comments.

You really don’t know some people until you see their bad side.

That’s enough from me.

I’ve done enough for you lot already. What do want? BLOOD???

LOTS OF LOVE Bumferry Hogart (saviour of the world)

Carry on.

Time travel in 500 words

How to build a time travel portal.

News from the BBC website about an experiment to prove one of Einstein’s theories of relativity led me to thinking about the possible applications the results could have for beneficial use of mankind.

If you want to read the whole story you can here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-13286241

Or you can let me inform you of the facts in 500 words. In a nut shell, the news reports that scientists have used a bunch of tiny gyroscopes in a vacuum filled container with something called super-fluid helium, the planet Earth and a stop watch to calculate the distortion caused to space-time by the gravitational effects of the Earth.

Einstein’s theory was that something with a large mass will warp and bend space and time.

The clever bods in white coats have now proved that.

But what do we do with this information?

How can it be utilised to benefit mankind?

I believe I have the solution.

To begin with we need to evacuate the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland and clean up all the bits of loose helium floating around, because we don’t need people messing around making squeaky voices when there is serious science going on.

Once the cleanup has finish we simply get a load of really fat people (we will probably need about 3,000 to begin with) and thrown them in the LHC in pairs starting with just the morbidly obese and then working our way up the chart to those guys that can’t even wipe their own bums and finishing with the ones that are so big they don’t have facial features.

Anyway.

These projectiles will be hurtled around the LHC by the process of magnetism (we will feed them on cakes and jam butties laced with iron fillings, this will double up on how we get them to follow us in the first place).

As they start to whoosh around they will smash into each other causing some kind of scientific effect that we just don’t know about yet and “hey Presto!” a big ol’ tunnel of time will appear waiting for some chisel jawed hero to pop through and stop Hitler or whatever.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking its ridiculous and will never work.
But my friends, that what they said about the Television and diet coke when they first came out. And look at the world now.

Plus this will have the dramatic effect of not only reducing the ever increasing population of the world, but also ease the strain caused by all them greedy buggers with world starvation and the world will probably stink a little less too. So we all win.

But what would we do with time travel?

Who would we choose to save from history? And who would we wipe from the records of time?

For me it would be Dave. I really hate Dave – and so should you.

And that is the real lesson we should all learn for today.

Carry on.

Bad news Fatties...

Ah, still coming back eh?

Or maybe this is your first look at my blog.

Well if it your first time here, please feel free to have a look at the older posts firsts before you head straight into this one.

They won’t be as good as this one but you won’t feel the benefit if you don’t.

Right!

Now that lot have gone, lets you and me settle down, get ourselves nice and snug with a cool beer and some chocolate peanuts and get cracking.

BAD NEWS FATTIES!!

The bounciest members of society are soon to have the opportunity to have something else to blame the rest of us for - their massive, massive guts and mass.
For indeed it has been announced that scientists – the clever bods with white coats and clipboards, who are very rarely dangerously overbearing in stature themselves, have got together to arrange to have the standard kilogram measurement of weight reduced slightly.

It seems that the standard measurement for one kilogram is a block of metal that is kept in a vault in France. Over the past 50 or so years it has been noted that this piece of metal, by which all measurements of weight are based (in kilograms anyway) has lost an amount of its mass to the degree of a grain of sand.

This may not seem a lot at first glance to NORMAL people like you and me, but every penny counts to those cake guzzling ever expanding sweaty mouth breathers.

Let’s use an example to illustrate my BIG FAT POINT.

1 in 4 man and 1 in 3 women are fat or bigger in the UK.
For the sake of doing proper math, lets round it down to 25% of the UK population is a greedy big fat slob.

If each of those horrible lazy buckets of lard put on weight at the same time – the effects would be catastrophic.

If a big fat chunky monkey is 300lb in today’s money then when the “cleverest people in the world” decide that the kilo has to change, then 300lb won’t be 300 anymore...

POP.

It will be something like 301lb there or there abouts. Probably not even that much to be honest.

But the point is under scientific ruling – which is without doubt the best kind of ruling, all those wobbly double chinned bingo winged asthmatic un-employable drains of on the NHS will all of a sudden become heavier.

We are already feeling the effects of the extra weight being pressured on the Earth with the recent floods in Australia.

Archimedes proved it ages ago (another scientist) by sitting in a bath of water, all the water spilled out the sides. Proving that fat bastards make a mess.
That is what is happening now. Loads of fatties getting bigger and fatter are pushing the UK further down into the sea. Some call it coastal erosion. I call “greedy guts has got herself seconds eh?!?! Stuffing yer face with scrote cuisine eh, mum?” but I digress.

The continual effect of a load of lard-arses fighting each other for another curly-wurly has not only caused minor earthquakes to be felt in Scotland but the end result is all that water being forced south to Australia where half of the country is now 6 metres under water.

Gluttony has ruined these people forever.

They may say things like “It's my glands. They make me swell up.”

Or

“I’m just big boned”

To which I would have to reply “that’s one hell of a stomach bone y’got there goliath.”

These gargantuan globes of flesh and bile are nothing but a stain on a once proud nation.

Some of them even have the nerve to claim it’s not their fault.

Now, I’m not going to bore you with the same old arguments about fat people should take responsibility for themselves and nobody forces food down their throats or anything like that. It’s been done too many times before and even I am a little tired of that one.

But I will say “they stink”

And they do.

Here is something to mull over while you digest this information a-hahaha.

“A fat stomach never breeds fine thoughts.”
St. Jerome quotes (Father of the Latin Church, 340-420)