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Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Bad news Fatties...

Ah, still coming back eh?

Or maybe this is your first look at my blog.

Well if it your first time here, please feel free to have a look at the older posts firsts before you head straight into this one.

They won’t be as good as this one but you won’t feel the benefit if you don’t.


Now that lot have gone, lets you and me settle down, get ourselves nice and snug with a cool beer and some chocolate peanuts and get cracking.


The bounciest members of society are soon to have the opportunity to have something else to blame the rest of us for - their massive, massive guts and mass.
For indeed it has been announced that scientists – the clever bods with white coats and clipboards, who are very rarely dangerously overbearing in stature themselves, have got together to arrange to have the standard kilogram measurement of weight reduced slightly.

It seems that the standard measurement for one kilogram is a block of metal that is kept in a vault in France. Over the past 50 or so years it has been noted that this piece of metal, by which all measurements of weight are based (in kilograms anyway) has lost an amount of its mass to the degree of a grain of sand.

This may not seem a lot at first glance to NORMAL people like you and me, but every penny counts to those cake guzzling ever expanding sweaty mouth breathers.

Let’s use an example to illustrate my BIG FAT POINT.

1 in 4 man and 1 in 3 women are fat or bigger in the UK.
For the sake of doing proper math, lets round it down to 25% of the UK population is a greedy big fat slob.

If each of those horrible lazy buckets of lard put on weight at the same time – the effects would be catastrophic.

If a big fat chunky monkey is 300lb in today’s money then when the “cleverest people in the world” decide that the kilo has to change, then 300lb won’t be 300 anymore...


It will be something like 301lb there or there abouts. Probably not even that much to be honest.

But the point is under scientific ruling – which is without doubt the best kind of ruling, all those wobbly double chinned bingo winged asthmatic un-employable drains of on the NHS will all of a sudden become heavier.

We are already feeling the effects of the extra weight being pressured on the Earth with the recent floods in Australia.

Archimedes proved it ages ago (another scientist) by sitting in a bath of water, all the water spilled out the sides. Proving that fat bastards make a mess.
That is what is happening now. Loads of fatties getting bigger and fatter are pushing the UK further down into the sea. Some call it coastal erosion. I call “greedy guts has got herself seconds eh?!?! Stuffing yer face with scrote cuisine eh, mum?” but I digress.

The continual effect of a load of lard-arses fighting each other for another curly-wurly has not only caused minor earthquakes to be felt in Scotland but the end result is all that water being forced south to Australia where half of the country is now 6 metres under water.

Gluttony has ruined these people forever.

They may say things like “It's my glands. They make me swell up.”


“I’m just big boned”

To which I would have to reply “that’s one hell of a stomach bone y’got there goliath.”

These gargantuan globes of flesh and bile are nothing but a stain on a once proud nation.

Some of them even have the nerve to claim it’s not their fault.

Now, I’m not going to bore you with the same old arguments about fat people should take responsibility for themselves and nobody forces food down their throats or anything like that. It’s been done too many times before and even I am a little tired of that one.

But I will say “they stink”

And they do.

Here is something to mull over while you digest this information a-hahaha.

“A fat stomach never breeds fine thoughts.”
St. Jerome quotes (Father of the Latin Church, 340-420)

1 comment:

How did this get here?