What Ch'oo Talking about?

Whilst reading an online forum (about Spiderman of all things) I came across a comment by (what I assume is an American) who asked the question “what does toss mean, and why would it be amusing to UK readers?”

The answers were without any attempt to instil any amount of humour or cheeky double entendre.

Shame really.

But this got me thinking and reminded me of what it was I wanted to write about last week but never got round to because of Mrs H and her bloody foot and hospital visits. (she is doing fine by the way)

Although we speak the same language across the water there are many differences between the usage of the English language.

The Americans have, as a matter of fact, mutilated our common tongue in many ways. And, unfortunately us Brits, for the most part (especially on this blog) are terrible at using what some call the greatest language in the world.

English is spoken all over the world (even in parts of Wales so I’m told) and often with superb accuracy and intelligence.

Quite often at the campsite, we have campers from different parts of Europe and even further, arrive and I am always astonished and humbled by how eloquent these guests to our little island can communicate in my mother tongue.

Most recently a young German girl (by young I mean early 20’s – which makes me feel very old at 32) by the name of Madaline came and wanted to stay for one night in a tent.

It was only because of the licence plate of her car that I had any inclination that she was not British. Her use of English was excellent. It wasn’t the broken worded point and shout style of communication I would be forced to resort to if I were abroad in another country.

No.

This was a fully involved, interesting, educational and fun chat. We talked about where she had been, how long she was in touring around the country for and where she was from.

I understood everything she said perfectly, and she could follow me if with my fat mouthed northern twang.

After showing her to her pitch and allowing her to settle for the evening I walked back and it struck me just how ignorant I am at not being able to speak or understand any other language other than my own.

I had French lessons and German at school. But the only thing I ever learnt back then was how to say my name (half of that sentence is my own name, so its not even slightly impressive to say that) and the other was how to get the cinema.

Learning how to ask when visiting a foreign country, where the cinema is, is possibly the most stupid thing to learn mainly because if I am unable to find my around a French town due to my inability to understand words then what the bloody hell am I going to do once I get into the cinema that will no doubt be showing French films, in French.

Even if they show US or English films the chances are they will be dubbed in French for the French because I will be in France.

That is why I never really learnt how to speak or understand other languages. The learning material was out of sync with real life. That and it was also around the time that I realised that girls were somehow more interesting than last term.

Quite often I will meet people from Germany, Holland, France, Italy and recently Iran who camp here and they all speak some form of English.

Not always perfect English, but they know enough to allow me to understand what they need which is more than I could ever do for them.

I am the ignorant one.

Yes, I could spend the time to learn how to speak other languages but I know that I won’t.

I have a great big bag full of lame and pathetic excuses ready to be used at any time – so don’t get me started on that one.

Maybe you speak another language and are able to converse with people from all over the world.

I can’t.

I’m rubbish.

But well done you.

So in conclusion: The English are mainly rubbish. We struggle to use our own words properly and say things like “like” all the time and even go as far to annunciate words with the wrong syntax by making every sentence sound like a question(?)

I hate that.

Other people from all over the world are much better at speaking English than the English.

Although the Americans are worse.

But they make better TV and films, and have better weather and sports and pride and the food is bigger.

Bert and Ernie - What Is Love Anyway?

Excuse me very much indeed but who the hell woke up one morning last week and thought “I think Bert and Ernie off Sesame Street should get married.”

Just a couple of guys..

In the name of everything that is real, which adult on this planet thinks about things like that (apart from me!)

Why would two puppets, who are not real people but puppets, wish to get married?

Let’s put the fact that they in fact puppets to one side and presume that they are actual people and dissect why this online petition signed by over 7000 people is completely irresponsible and stupid.

Firstly let’s look at the relationship between Bert and Ernie.

Bert and Ernie are two guys who live together in what appears to be a one floor apartment. It has one bedroom in which these guys sleep in separate single beds. Ernie is always in the bath and therefore has good hygiene.

(should we use a) Rubber Duckie?

Bert is the one who cooks and looks after the accounts. He is highly strung.

Not only would these two learn to hate each other if they were to form a partnership other than that of convenience, but would lose their friendship in the process.

 

These guys have lived together for over 40 years and we have all gone seen parts of their lives. Through the happy times (the rubber ducky song) through the bad times (every other episode where Ernie leave crumbs everywhere or has the window open etc).

All in all it wouldn’t work. The fact that they are friends is what allows them to argue and have time apart if needed. In the end they always work it out because they realise what friendship is.

Now some of you reading this would say that applies to marriage too. But it doesn’t.

Marriage means that the two of you wish to be part of something special forever. Love is involved.

Not the love felt by friendship but a deeper love.

Bert and Ernie are not in love. And to force them to marry to would be wrong.

I give it 6 months..

This brings me to the second point.

By having a petition to have Bert and Ernie marry “to show tolerance of others to young people” what we would actually have an arranged marriage. Something that is generally frowned upon by the Christian/ western world.

Forcing two “people” to marry for our convenience would be more of a headache to explain to little jonnie snot face than it would to simply explain that two people can love and care for each other in many different ways.

saaay whaaa!?!?

The millions of conversations would go exactly like this:

Little jonnie: “Mum/dad... why are Bert and Ernie getting maw-id?”

Parent: “well son, when two people love each other and want to share it with everyone, they get married to show how faithful they want to be with each other.”

LJ: “okay. That seems straight forward... but why did they wait 40 years to finally marry?”

P: “well... erm... “

because i said you little shi...

LJ: “don’t lie to me. I may only be 4 and a half but I am a quick learner and am sensitive to the fact that you re my overbearing guardian who insists on always telling me the truth and instil how telling the truth is a very important part of trust between those we love...”

P:”ah... yes... well... there was an online petition and  ...”

LJ: “wait. What? You and all the other vegans got together and FORCED my favourite puppets to involve themselves in a marriage of convenience simply to appease your sense of right and wrong? That awful. I hate you and want to run away and/hurt myself.”

P:”bugger!”

Do you see how terrible it would be if Bert and Ernie get married.

 

Think before you speak out on these matters people.

Jeez!

Bert and Ernie are just a couple of guys. Leave them alone.

A Review of Captain America by a special Guest Author

Captain America a review by Pedro Fitzcalardo.

First of all, if you do go and see ANY Marvel film at the cinema here is a bit of advice - 

DO NOT LEAVE BEFORE THE END CREDITS!

There are at least two extra bits that you really should see including a full clip of the Avengers. the one of the interent is only about half of the full clip. you have been told now and so there is no excuse.

Now onto the main event.

I went to watch that film called Captain America on Saturday night. Watched it in 2d, 'cos I’m not that into 3D films.

Overall it was good. There was plenty of action and some good bits of talking but not too much, which is good for an action film.

I was worried at one point when Cap was chasing this baddie who had pinched a little ginger kid and threw him in the water and I thought to myself – I thought “oh, here we go, the old hero’s dilemma, should I save the kid or get the bad guy... what to do – what to do?”. But as Cap looked over the edge to see the kiddie drowning and in need of rescue what he actually saw was the ginger kid treading water and saying “its ok, I can swim. Go get him!” which sets this film apart from others. It didn’t go head strong into the old clichés and I liked that a lot.

What I didn’t like about this film was that the cini-world cinema in Shrewsbury, where I watched the film, is only showing it twice a day.

What is all that about, as peter Kay might say four times to emphasise his weak gags.

Showing what should and undoubtedly will be one of the hit movies of the year should be shown more than twice a day. Especially as the last showing means you don’t leave the cinema until close to midnight and the terms of my ASBO mean I have to be home before ten pm.

As it was I had tied the ankle tag to my dog’s leg and locked him in the downstairs cupboard so I was alright, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Plus...

While waiting to get my massive bag of popcorn and gallon of flat coke I overheard the guy in front of me ask the girl at the kiosk “are there any good films out at the moment?”

Why oh why oh why would you go to the cinema, cue up for ages at the popcorn stand (where you can buy your tickets as well) and only at the precise moment your mind should be concentrating on how much popped corn you wish to rot in your belly, do you ask the question “what film should I watch?”

That guy was an idiot.

His mate, who had been stood in the middle of the foyer wasn’t much brighter.

As he was called over to his mate to confirm that captain America was the only film left to be shown that evening and is a good film that’s worth watching anyway, the two of them stood looking at each other for inspiration.

It a long hard look from me to confirm that they should make their bloody minds up quick sharp and get a move on.

They did.

For those reasons I can only give captain America 6 out of 10.

If you go to see captain America. DO NOT GO CINI-WORLD in Shrewsbury as most of the people who frequent that particular establishment as flipping idiots.

If it wasn’t for my ASBO I would have lamped him one.

998 Words To Bring Both Me And You Upto Speed.

I’ve not really had the chance to blog anything this past week due to Mrs Hogart staying in the caravan for a week to help with the celebrations of our sites 4^th birthday.

But she’s gone back home now and my 7 day conjugal visit is over.

Normality can resume.

In the week I’ve been away the world seems to have gone tits up.

Mass murders in Norway, phone hacking scandals, pop star deaths and America runs out of money.

Let’s sort it out...

Phone hacking:

"I hope this doesn't appear on bumferry.blogspot.com"

I think this story broke first. I can’t be bothered to check. Facts only get in the way of a good rant.

Rupert Murdock, who used to be in the A-Team, was asked some questions by a bunch of politicians about what he knew in respect of his staff listening in to mobile phone messages of other people and ended up having a pie thrown in his face by a sweaty fat bloke called Jonnie Marbles.

Mr Marbles is supposed to be some kind of comedian and used the event to highlight his own tiny career. I don’t think it worked very well.

..All of them hateful retorts.

The news reporters at the time all jumped to the defence of Murdock saying that it was a terrible thing to do to an old man. And the public were banned from the rest of the hearings.

Murdoch was given a reprieve in the eyes of the media and the whole thing was a bit of a shambles.

Thus showing that there is a time and place for democracy and this wasn’t it – according to those in charge.

The Death of Amy Whinehouse:

"i wanna be just like you when I'm 97"

Whinehouse sang a couple of songs and took an awful lot of drugs. She also had a lot of tattoos and married a druggie and took some more drugs and then died.

When news broke about her death, the general public was seen to be crying and laying flowers with little cards saying how much they loved her and how the world will not be the same etc etc.

I am utterly amazed at how people over react to the death of someone they saw once on TV. When a face that is slightly familiar will no longer be on the same planet people turn to mush and the crocodile tears fall as if they’ve just been told their winning lottery ticket is two days out of date. The sorrow, fear and anguish is just too much for me to bear.

Amy Whinehouse didn’t give a toss about anyone but herself. If you didn’t have a new needle in your hand she wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. She was so far of the mark of being any kind of good role model you couldn’t make it up.

Once again the general public shows itself up to be a complete fucking idiot willing to jump on any bandwagon that rolls through town.

She is dead. Get over it. And her songs were shit.

Norway.

Having been to Oslo on what can only be described as – a shit holiday – I’m not surprised that somebody went totally nuts and decided to have a day of rampaging and murder. Nothing has happened in Norway for a thousand years.

Not since a man’s hat blew off in a strong gust of wind has there been anything newsworthy of any kind. Unless we include that dwarf bouncing a ball off his crutches, but I’ve talked enough about that previously.

1980's Baddie of the week?

The press jumped on the terrorist bandwagon before any facts came to light and started blaming Muslims before quickly retracting all of their experts and “facts” when it became clear that it wasn’t a religious extremist but was in fact a ... erm... religious extremist.

This Anders Behring Breivik bloke is not being called a terrorist or religious fanatic. I find this to be quite strange. There should be no difference between this idiot and the other idiots apart from the colour of his skin and the god he prays to.

When the man has claimed the death of nearly one hundred innocent people in the name of his god, and with the sole purpose of having the opportunity to highlight his own views on religion – that is by definition a religious nutter.

Am I wrong?

All in all the guy is well out of order and looks like a fruit cake.

Norway has a policy of open court meaning that everyone can have their say in a free and open democracy – can you see where I might be going with this one??

USA money trouble:

"i wish Bumferry Hogart would write something soon.."

This piece of scary news passed me by and I only found out by accident. The story goes that America, like much of the world’s governments, has been spending more money than it collects and things have got so bad that economists had calculated that by the 2^nd of august there would be no money left AT ALL!

That is a crazy concept to get your head around.

So the politicians in the US are banging their heads together and arguing over who has the bigger rifle or fattest kid or something in a piss weak attempt to sort out the mess.

As of writing this The democrats(Obama) and republicans (the red necks and Hicks) are “close to agreeing” on suitable reforms, however if they don’t then the United states of America will run out of money and won't be able to pay way.

Fight you B@stards!

This dire event will spread across to us here in the UK and across the world causing massive drops in financial markets and resulting in a Mad Max style world where Tine Turner runs a gladiator style barter town.

We narrowly missed that outcome once. To miss it again would be a miracle. This sort of thing must never be allowed to happen.

America is a democracy.

And so my poorly researched rant about how free will is the ultimate threat to mankind reaches its zenith.

Good luck everyone.

Guns and Rose West

And so another disillusioned young American has shot some people for no other discernable reason than for the sheer hell of it.

Innocent people have died or are lying in hospital with half their heads missing because apparently he looked at a political website that had some target sights on it with links to various political figures across the worlds “greatest democratic nation (tm)”

In a country that allows anyone with $500 and a badly signed reference can walk into a 7/11 and order a hoggie (whateverthatis) and a 9mm Glock 19 for personal use (as appose to professional usage) it seems, and in fact, is inevitable that people will get shot when guns are so freely available.

But is it a bad thing?

Sure, the American constitution states that a man should be free to bare arms, but why can’t they just roll their sleeves up and show off the patch of skin between the wrist and elbow instead of blasting each other out of existence and going “YEE-HA!” all the live long day?

There are those nations across the world that hate America and all it stands for and call it a nation of devils and the root of evil.

And when terrible things like this happen it can be easy to see how these opinions are formed so quickly and widely.

From the capitalist expansions of McDonalds (I like McD’s by the way) and Starbucks, which are now synonymous with evil corporations etc etc.. To the role the US army has played in military action across the world (Iraq, Afghanistan etc) every monkey with a keyboard has an opinion in one form or another.

But then we are forced to acknowledge the existence of Jared Lee Loughner, who is just one stupid moron in an ever increasing list of humans who feel that for whatever reason they have the right to end somebody else’s life.

And let us be clear here. This guy was not under any immediate threat for his own life or saving the life of anyone else. Which could be seen as a reasonable time to use a hand gun. But he wasn’t.

He simply wanted to cause harm and fear and end the lives of as many people as he could.

That is wrong.

There is surely no other opinion worth any value that can be written in three words or less that sums up the validity of what happened.

But in a more general view of what is now a regular feature of news that finds its way across the Atlantic to our shores, it seems almost impossible, when faced with figures of nearly 30,000 gun related deaths in 2004 in the USA, to ignore the fact that gun crime and gun related deaths are a very important issue that somehow needs to be resolved.

According to Americas Centre for Disease Control and Prevention the figure of 29,569 people died in 2004 in the USA alone.

That’s the entire population of Vukovar in Croatia (2005)

Or the equivalent of 1 in 10 people in the city of Bradford.

Those facts may not mean anything to you but imagine if they were all your friends on facebook!

(Gosh NO!)

There you happily clicking away on city farm or cup-a-hoop or angry birds or whatever.. And you see a notification in you inbox....you click on it excitedly hoping for a link to a funny video of a cat stuck in a bottle or an invite to an online party but no... Horror strikes and you find a tenth of them have “un-friended you”

That’s what Bradford would feel like but much, much worse. Because PEOPLE HAVE DIED.
How would that make you feel?

Yea, pretty shocking stuff I think you’ll agree.

But what can be done?

The short answer is.. Not a lot.

Here in the UK we have one of the world’s smallest figures for gun related crime.
Mainly because guns for home use are illegal and therefore not many people have them.
Although we do have some of the wierdest looking female serial killers in the world - Rose West and Maxine Carr to name but 2. (im'm not even going to mention Fred west and Shipman or the yorkshire ripper)

America is different.

America has a constitution and America is proud of it constitution, and for the most part they should be. They are a nation build on a multitude of racial and ethnical diversities. They build on the success they make for themselves.

They have built a power structure to both military and economical and capitalist that spans the world and whether you like or not the world would probably be in a worse state than it is now. In general...

But for all the “love” and “honour” its citizens hold for the American dream and the way of life it proudly holds up to the world, it also allows manipulation of its own strongly held beliefs.

Guns’ being the one the world is looking at today.

There is no quick answer for how the USA can resolve its issues of gun control, as most countries would find issues with their own home grown problems, but there is one thing I am sure would make a difference to all our their woes.
It may not seem so at first, but slowly and surely the American people would eventually see the benefits of my simple one step plan for peace.
And that plan is?

Spell the word colour correctly.

It’s not color – its colour!

Oh, and stop driving on the wrong side of the road... that can’t help matters.
And stop ending really good shows half way through with no ending. That is what’s sending these kids crazy.

If you’re going to start something – then finish it.

There is nothing more infuriating than. . .



Is there?