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I'm not stupid… well, ok I am stupid. But im stupid about things are too clever. Things like science and computers and stuff.

I have no idea what toothpaste is made of. I know its got fluoride in it but beyond that… nowt.

How does the TV work? Pass.

How do they make chocolate éclairs? Wouldn’t know even if you told me.

What does APR mean? I used to work in a bank and even I don’t know.

That’s my kind of stupid. Not knowing the things your not supposed to know is okay in my book.

Being stupid is one thing. Being thick is another.

75% of 256 agree, but 1 in 4 DON'T!

When I say thick, I’m talking about the kind of people who see a door that says push and try to pull it. Not once, but continuously until the door gives way or a member of staff kindly shows them the error of their ways.

The sort of special thick that freak out and point at the sky when the moon is visible during the day.

You will know somebody like this. You will know at least one person who has stayed on the phone when they received the call that goes like this…

“This is an important call regarding you PPI claim…” I don’t know what is said after that because I hang up. I hang up for two reasons. One is that I am lucky enough to not have a loan that ever had PPI and two – the number the calls come through are the business line and the business has never taken a loan out without my knowledge.

Beyond stupid and thick are the morons. Morons live their life by BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO. They take very little responsibility for their lives and rely on the flickering box in the corner of the living room (or up on the wall as seems to the fashion these days – which just proves a point).

I like to think that I am the sort of person who is immune to the lure of advertisements.

It’s very rare that I ever have to suffer the mind numbing boredom of having to watch and listen to 3 minutes of utter tripe (other animal stomach linings are available) of corporate gadgets, gifts and gizmos thanks to the beautiful invention of fast forwarding capabilities of a certain satellite TV providers equipment.

However, on the odd occasion that I do catch one these adverts a number of things happen.

79% of 261 = 206.19

Firstly, I do not believe a single solitary word that is shouted at me, flashed in big bold purple letters or scrolled across the screen.

Secondly I try to concentrate on the teeny tiny blurred small print that exists on screen for a shorter time than it takes an amoeba to count all its fingers.

Thirdly, I have the ability to do simple math.

Here are some screen shots taken form genuine adverts currently shown in the UK (where possible the brand has been removed to protect the guilty).

I often find myself laughing (and one time I even realised I had guffawed which was quite disconcerting indeed) at how these marketing media types think we are all so gullible and so easily lead to buy their products and services like sheep (other farm animals are available).

When I see a slow motion guy staring at his Big Mac with what seems to be more than just hunger in his eyes, I do not feel the need to scoff down a burger.

Never before in my life have I had the urge to clean my gob after witnessing a man of dubious medical qualification harass an innocent woman in a shopping centre and verbally abuse her about how soft her teeth are.

I could not give the slightest toss about feminine hygiene products that save time, waste, spillage and/or have wings or strings.

What really boils my blood is the lies these snakeoil merchants peddle out.

Its now got so bad that they don’t even bother to try and hide bull poop.

Check these examples out on this post. All taken from real life adverts that just bullshit their way between your televisual pleasures.

* Scientifically "silky smooth". is that a thing?

The math just doesn’t work. No matter how you cut it.

Lies all lies!

Then I realised there was one single solitary advertisement that has me. Hook line and sinker.

The one thing that I can not resist.

It could very well be my Kryptonite (other alien meteorite rocks that stop super-humans are available).

I don’t want to name the product itself, but suffice to say, there is an advert on TV that makes me want to have a bowl of flakes made of corn that has a certain crunch of nuts.

I flipping love ‘em. But that does not mean you should. You probably wouldn’t like them now I think about it.

Three Comics walk into a blog...

I’ve been away from the internet for a couple of days and its took me a while to catch on things.

Its all been kicking off- 

I cant leave you lot alone for one minute and it makes my blood boil.

This is my 100th post on here and i wanted to make it a brilliant one. Something to look back on with pride and joy and that could be shared across the globe and make me famous and rich and desirable.

But no. YOU lot had other ideas and had to all act like little kids, meaning I’ve got to roll up my sleeves and sort you out again.

LISTEN UP THE INTERENT, YOU ARE IN BIG BOTHER!!!

It appears that Frankie Boyle has got a new book out.

Naughty Boy

Do you remember him?

He was that Scottish guy who shot to fame as the “no holes bared – he didn’t just say that did he” comedian from mock the week. Who mainly got laughs because he would spout the kind of humourless wit that other comedians thought was not suitable for a TV audience.

After a few series of this idiots guide to the news, Boyle left to perform his angry style of comedy to live audiences, who I imagine are the sort who couldn’t get tickets for Roy Chubby brown another comic who take delight in seeing people laugh at his puerile jokes.

Don’t get me wrong. I like a sick joke. If its told well and at the right time, a clever witty joke about certain news events can bring a wry smile and even a chuckle, but to make a career from spitting on the grave of a dead person or pointing out the differences of a disabled person just isn’t funny after about... oh say 1 minute.

Boyle and his like are one trick pony. They nothing else to say but “that guys a dick.” Or “she’s a slag isn’t she” and wait for the empty headed crowds to clap furiously like starving seals on parade.

But then we move on to the main event in which I witnessed the spiralling lines of Ricky Gervais ans and Richard Herring Fans over on Twitter. These two, who due to the kind of material they like to perform in their acts means they really should know better than to react - have been named amongst others in an argument over the use of the word mong.

Electronic broadbanded fingers have been pointed and accusations thrust onto the webpages of twitter and the like and I for one found it incredibly boring. I couldn't care less who is right and who is wrong. but the fact that I have spent 15 minutes of my very important life reviewing this gibberish is the reason I'M kicking off!

Stop Sulking Herring!

Beyond the rights of someone to use whatever word they use, be it mong or spaz or black or gay or any of the other 17 words that SOME people MAY find offensive or hurtful. Using any word as a slur CAN be effective if used in the right mode. When meant with venom or used to cause actual hurt, then the excuse of comedy goes straight of the window and we enter the world bullying and harassment.

Free speech is cried by one part and abuse by the other.

Somewhere off to the side is me. I shrug my shoulders and wait for it all to blow over.

But this silly little tit for tat, which has been fuelled by a number of “followers” makes twitter sound like a cult doesn’t it?

There really is no simple answer other than for all involved to act like adults. Adults who respect each other no to use childish puerile name calling and try to use bigger grown up words and for those others to by more adult and simply ignore those that would name call in the first place.

It all comes down to the fact there are fame hungry individuals out there who rather than try and evoke some kind of natural humour or show off a talent will resort to the lowest form of attention seeking and randomly attack until someone  shouts that they are wrong. But by then it’s too late. They are in the lime light and are receiving the and attention they crave.

On a final note. I enjoy the works of Richard Herring.

I have also been known to watch the works of Ricky Gervais.

Dissapointed, but i expect nothing less from you Gervais.

To my knowledge neither of them is aware of my work. Typical!

In conclusion, in typical British style this debate has fizzled out like a damp squib. If this were the Middle East or America or any other country with passion or a back bone there would debates in parliament and effigies burnt in every village and town across the land. Protest marches would spark up like wide fire and the whole bloody place would come to crawling stop until these two kissed and made up.

But it didn’t, it hasn’t and probably won’t. Because x-factor is still on and the apprentice is back next week.

Fickle. That’s what you lot are. Fickle.

Plus they’ll each get a 10 minute set or stand up defending themselves about it. So it was probably all a set up anyway.

So thanks a lot Ricky and Richard, for ruining my 100th Blog entry. I hope you are satisfied.

NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

Hate

Yet again I am continually amazed at the thought processes that some people believe are acceptable.

The amount of people I have to deal on a daily basis that seem to think they are the only living creatures in the world and therefore do have to take into account their actions and how they may impact on the lives of others is beyond belief.

It comes as no surprise to me that the youth of today seem to have no problem taking what they want and demanding the right to carry on as they please when the older generation, who by rights should know better, act in a manner more, accustomed to that of a wild chimp.

The old proverb “good manners cost nothing” seems to have gone completely out the window and you can’t even give them away.

Young children enjoy the phrase “I want, I need”. It is a mantra uttered at every convenience, and now to I see it happen with the elderly.

Working on a campsite sees a revolving population all year round and August has brought with it the silly season.

The grey haired citizens of this country routinely demand such quantities of amenities one would think they were royalty.

Their self belief in their own status of elders, issues an all important righteousness only seen by prima Dona superstars.

There are no many rules or guidelines to follow on site but the main ones are there purely for the safety and comfort of others. Namely:

DO NOT SPEED

 NO NOISE AFTER 11PM

CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF.

By no means an arduous task. In fact these are less rules and more common sense.

People come camping to get away from the hustle and bustle of daily life. They leave their town houses, busy roads and street lighting for a more gentle and serine way of life. If only for a weekend, the relaxing countryside is there for all to enjoy.

However, for some (especially those who only stay for two nights) it is with the upmost urgency that they simply have to have a good TV reception. As well as being near the toilets but not too near the toilets, near the dog walk but not near any other dogs and in a quite part of the site so that when they get drunk and loud they are not disturbed by anyone else.

That last one really gets my wick.

Apart from the fact that noise carries well, THEY are aware that the noise they will make will disturb others but are only bothered that someone will complain and therefore stop THEIR enjoyment. It has absolutely no bearing on their own actions that they might be disturbing somebody else.

As long as they are having a good time, everyone else can get stuffed.

Wait.

...

Something has happened.

While writing this mess I had to stop and pitch a new arrival. They were by all accounts a jolly couple by the name of Barnes, who are in their late 60’s. They were all smiles and happy talk with a positive shine that was refreshing while not overpowering.

They made me forget my anger and hatred toward the old. Ten minutes earlier I was ready to renounce my membership to the human race and become something higher... but these two wonderful souls have lifted my spirits tenfold.

What lovely beautiful people. Who are happy to be alive and are glad of the chance to share it with each other.

 

Plus the gentleman gave me a fiver and told me to have a drink on him!

So I will.

And I will do it with a smile on my face. A genuine smile. As I take my first sip of that drink I will think only kind thoughts and wish him well for the future.

The world is not a horrible as it sometimes seems.

There are those people who wish nothing but hatred and sadness to spread because they are full of hate and sorrow.

Those are the people we always remember. Those are the idiots who stay in our heads and ruin our days.

But for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction. For each dickhead there is a hero.

For every fool, there is the genius.

I hope you meet your very own Mr and Mrs Barnes in the near future. As and when you do, please remember them and the kindness they showed. Allow their happiness to enter your life and make your day that little bit more bearable.

It makes hating others much more fun somehow!

Calm down

Sometimes it’s worth remembering that in the real world things can get scary.

Times can be hard.

There are those of us who live in fear of pain, death and torture each and every day.

Those of us who are lucky enough to have hot and cold CLEAN running water, a job, a roof over our heads sometimes forget just how lucky we are.

But then there are guys like Francis...

Please watch the video below all the way through.

I hope to which ever God is real that this is not a fake. I wish that this person actually exists, because if he does my self esteem just raised a little higher.

There are at least two points in this video i thought he was going to die...

The last 10 seconds made me do a little wee.

I’m not sure what it is he is so angry about, but boy, is he one angry fat guy!

Enjoy!

A Solution To The Riots: A Guide

One or the other? option two please.

I may have premature in previous posts claiming that the world is on its arse and upside down.

I was wrong – but by about two weeks.

With the London riots poised to become the number pastime in the UK, news from around the world shows just how far this madness has spread.

The pick of the bunch is from Iranian Isna student’s news agency, where they report that “...Iran called for London police to exercise self-restraint in dealing with protesters”

Iran!

The Future of Our Country is in His Hands!

This link here ---> http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14458424 simply shows exactly why some people should not be allowed to breed or for that matter breathe without the consent of the local authorities.

Some people have made calls for the army to be called in and help the police or for water cannons to be used on rioters with ink that doesn’t wash off so that it is easier to catch these thugs.

And for the most part I agree.

But something more sinister should be done.

The England football match has already been cancelled. That is a good start.

It is no coincidence that hundreds of people were seen running down the streets with massive TVs the night before an international football game...

The bastards!

The right so Self Protection.

Another option would be to class looting and rioting as self employment and tax the holy crap out of anyone seen on recordings with a massive 60% tax bill on everything they have stolen plus the RRP of what they have nicked.

Not only will they have their benefits stopped but the national deficit could be notched down a peg.

Failing that – shoot the rat bastards.

Robbing from your own “because we can” is no excuse. The money needed to rebuild those who own and run businesses that have lost out should be paid from by the money reserved for the dole scum.

We don’t need them, don’t want them and shouldn’t have to suffer.

I want to see the upper classes revolt against the rioters now.

Tally-Ho!

Lord and Lady Thingy-me-bob – Smyth and the rest of them should straddle their horses, blow trumpets and charge around towns and cities with their hunting dogs.

The dogs would already be incensed with the scent of Lynx Africa on a dirty rag and the top hat brigade can be cheered on by the rest of us as they whizz and zoom down high streets chasing off hooded youths.

Picture the scene:

                The BBC has the rights to a sporting event at last... Live coverage in glorious HD (where available), commentary from Jeremy Clarkson and    Jeremy Kyle on hand to give live interviews from the heart of the action. “Why are you DOING this??? WHY????”

Brilliant.

The gangs can still run around and even be sponsored by Greggs or Silk Cut if they want.

It would appease the Daily Mail brigade (if rear I’m becoming one of them...) animal rights activists because no foxes are being harmed, the police and pretty much anyone who likes sport – only it would be illegal for anyone to support the rioters.

There you go. Solved it. Again.

Another problem that need not exist.

Is Anybody Out There?

Sometimes it’s no fun living in a caravan in the middle of nowhere.

As I write this I have intermittent internet access. I’m lucky if I can log on to my email account. 

Reading them is another matter. I have just pressed open for one email and have been watching the little thinking circle go round and round for over three minutes.

Any second now a nice friendly little message will pop up to tell me that my session has timed out and to try again.

... And there it is.

As you can see, the three opinions it has are: to wait - im not supposed to wiat, im am supposed to click a button and get what i want at the speed of electricity!

Then it starts to blame my computer. its blaming my equipment. the utter cheek!

Finally it likes to add insult to injury by telling because i dont want viruses and junk on my computer and have responisbly set up the weakest of protection, THAT could be the problem.

What a nerve.

Maybe I should jump into a pile of used needles. would that Firefox? WOULD IT!?!?!?!

SHOULD I NOT LOOK BOTH WAYS WHEN I'M CROSSING THE STREET. WILL I BE ABLE TO HAVE A CLEAR THIRTY SECONDS OF INTERNET THEN EH?

b'stard.

At no point does my browser take any responsibility for being useless. it just wants to pass the buck onto somebody else.

On top of this my mobile signal has been down for over four days.

My mobile phone is quite adamant that I must only be allowed to make SOS calls.

Text messages are arriving slower than second class mail and I am now in a position to communicate with the outside world.

It’s at times like this I realise just how dependant I am on technology. Each and every day I use my mobile, laptop or the computer in reception to do things. To calculate prices or take bookings. To receive my income.

I NEED a computer to check my bank account and pay my bills.

Without electricity I am unable to say hello to friends and family.

I am lost.

I am a victim of the modern world.

It has taken less than one week for my life to stall and come to complete stand still.

Right now there could be a world war going on. The bombs could be dropping and I wouldn’t have a clue.

Aliens could have landed or Jesus may have returned to tell everyone how Derren Brown did that 

lottery trick.

I would be totally unaware of any of this.

..Oh, its back up now... hang on a sec...

 

Good grief – Hightower from the police academy films is dead!

Do you see what can happen when I don’t have access to the internet? 

Someone is dead now!

Shit a brick!

It really is a scary world out there when you don’t know what’s going on.

Rest in peace Hightower.