Bank Holidays - The Revenge.

Hello.

It's May. And that means there are two bank holidays.

May is also the month when the real idiots come out to play.

It is just coming up to the end of the 4th day of the month and already I have had to explain to TWO separate people how the sun works, the benefits of using the reverse gear rather than attempting to circumnavigate the globe in order to line up a caravan and was forced to take part in the following conversation:

camper: Why Can't I get on your free Wi-fi?

me: Have you logged on using the password with your laptop?

camper: I don't have a laptop.

(you can already guess where this gem of sketch is going...)

me: Oh okay, is it a tablet or a phone then?

camper: No I don't have any of those. I'm using my TV.

me: ....... no........

This happened.

I know there are some people out there who do not understand the internet and that is fine, we are all different. But who in their right mind thinks that they can the bloody internet on a crappy little 12 inch TV they bought on the cheap from Tesco?

But that's people for you.

In other news, I will soon be performing another film review and Interviewing a proper celebrity.

I will leave you guessing who it might be in the comments but as a clue it is one of the most famous names in music and I was lucky enough to grab a quick chat with him...... or her, it could be a her.

More on that later in the month.

Stay tuned or stay ignorant.

Holiday Report Part Three Of Three

This is the final part of my three part adventure. I am very tired.

It wasn’t long after we had arrived that I realised the UK had gone to pot in my absence. Within 48 hours of my arrival the whole country came to a standstill because of some snow and a newspaper reported that some horse DNA had made its way into some beef burgers and every man woman and child were outraged at Tesco and Aldi.

Why anybody should find themselves surprised that the whole £1 they spent on 24 burgers would contain anything slightly resembling prime cuts of beef and not, as it turns out, 39% “OTHER” including horse bits and newspaper and spit, seems nothing short of astonishing to me.

Shuffleboard - Not for me but will make one for the campsite!

To gain a sense of familiarity with my countrymen I opted for a plate full of goat stew for my tea.

It was bloomin’ lovely let me tell you.

I’m not saying that because I’m one of those people who likes to eat strange food and come across as a pretentious bumhole. I had only just eaten my first ever currant scone a few days before after all.

But Goat stew was actually a very nice tender and tasty meal. It resembles lamb in many ways. And if you think about it, what is a goat anyway but a sheep without a thick jumper on?

I also discovered that HMV had been forced to declare its accounts null and void as I had not been in that weekend and bought a DVD. This infuriated me as I am a holder of one of those HMV cards that you collect points on. I have over 50,000 and had been saving up for a £50 gift card, but there seems very chance of that ever coming to fruition.

Blockbuster has also gone the way of Woolworths and Ourprice, but I’m not really bothered about that because I have not set foot inside a Blockbuster video shop since The Burbs was realised on VHS.

I kept checking the weather back home whever it got too hot to sit in the sun and was forced to sit at the bar and cool down with a cheeky little cocktail called SUNRISE.

They are very VERY nice indeed and come with the Bumferry Hogart SEAL OF APPROVAL.

The recipe can be found below. - but you will have to turn your head sideways because I am unable to correct the pictures (sorry)

But while the sun shone and the Amercians yelped and whooped their way around the pool high fiving each other for no reason at all and I tried my very best NOT to stare at the topless octogenarians that seemed to pop up everywhere my eyes fell, the snow in the UK did finally dispearse and things warmed up a little bit.

Things pretty much recycle over the next ten days and finally come full circle when, on the flight home I ejaculate AGAIN with my milk. I was really trying to be careful but alas, it was not to be. Luckily it was Mrs H was bore the worst of my outburst – HA! That rhymed.

So now I am back home and once I have had a good nights sleep and a proper cup of tea I will be expecting this country of ours to settle down and get a grip and try to get through the year without any more silliness.

This is the last time my shins and knobbly will see daylight for a loooong time!

Anyway. We are home now. And that is the end of that.

There Is A Difference Between Men And Women.

There are many differences between men and women, not least their names. But other differences do present themselves from time to time.

This very week in fact some major differences between myself and Mrs H have shown themselves quiet clearly.

Here is a list of some of things I have noticed that separate me and “her in doors”

My hobbies include, amongst other things writing this here blog, while typing away Mrs H is watching a program about time travelling Dinosaurs.

I enjoy a bit of sci-fi. Nothing wrong with that. I am a geek after all, however, I like to think that my tastes are a little more high brow that of my partner. While she enjoys shows about vampires, films about vampires and book about vampires, I can’t stand them.

Crying vampires, Emo vampires, vampires that don’t want to be vampires anymore but have a destiny to fulfil, vampires that are good guys endlessly talking about how vampires are just misunderstood all the way through to vampire shows that are just a cheap excuse for a couple of boob shots per episode. She likes vampires.

I do not. I prefer films with car chases, explosions and any sign of a talking dog with attitude is always an added bonus.

I am a geek. So is Mrs H. but different types of geek. For example, she is playing on Facebook games right now. Bubble witch. A game which involves hitting bubbles of colours into one another.

I am downloading a load of TED talks about math and science and technology.

You see, DIFFERENT style of geekdom.

Other differences include our musical tastes. While Mrs H is making a play list for holiday consisting of Iron maiden, Mega death, Telsa, poison and the like, my i-pod is chock full of Phil Collins, Paul Simon and well…. I’ve said enough on my tastes in music.

Mrs H likes to include on her list of hobbies the act of shouting at me, telling me off for typing too loudly, and getting in the way.

Apparently, according to Mrs H anyway, my hobbies include getting in the way, doing things wrong on purpose and being generally rubbish. I can’t disagree.

Anyway, the reason I am telling you this is because we are about to go on holiday (the first in three years) to a country where nobody else speaks English and will be forced to spend a whole two weeks in each others company without any other outside influences and there is sunshine (wowzers!!)

We fly on Monday. One of us may not return….. probably me.

Excuses Excuses...

I’ve just realised it’s been five days since I last posted anything. What must you think of me? (don’t answer that.)

In my defence I have been away in the Lake District for a bit of a family get together. It was a rum old weekend full of drink and fine food and long walks.

They do things a bit different in Cumbria

Along one of the walks I spotted this little curiosity which I’m sure will puzzle you as much as it did me and the dog. Mrs H had gone back to the hotel because it was cold and we were informed half way along our trek that the cafe we were all hoping for hadn’t been there since the late 50’s!

Other than that I’ve had to build yet another piece of furniture. Mrs H has taken things too far this time as I have spent three whole hours hammering a chest of drawers together. Apart from the fact that we don’t need them, the damned thing is so tall I can’t reach the radio from my bed – goodness knows how I will listen to my stories now!

Now you know where coloured wool comes from!

In case you were not already aware, its that time of year where we all get a little more selfish and grumpy readying ourselves for that one day of the year where the people we know the best dress up and sit around the table to chew through some of the most tasteless meat in the universe (I hate turkey).

No doubt you will have found yourself muttering under your breath as you try in vain to shove and push your aching body through the throngs of faceless idiots who are all in search of that perfect/cheap gift for that special person who clearly stated they “don’t really want anything this year.” But you know all too well that if that’s you get them you’re in for a whole year of trouble and strife.

With this in mind I won’t keep you any longer but will leave you with the following photos I took while out and about in Keswick. Enjoy.

Click to enlarge this one!

Curry or maggots - or is it both?

 

 

 

They're just giving things away in Keswick