It wasn’t long after we had arrived that I realised the UK had gone to pot in my absence. Within 48 hours of my arrival the whole country came to a standstill because of some snow and a newspaper reported that some horse DNA had made its way into some beef burgers and every man woman and child were outraged at Tesco and Aldi.
Why anybody should find themselves surprised that the whole £1 they spent on 24 burgers would contain anything slightly resembling prime cuts of beef and not, as it turns out, 39% “OTHER” including horse bits and newspaper and spit, seems nothing short of astonishing to me.
To gain a sense of familiarity with my countrymen I opted for a plate full of goat stew for my tea.
It was bloomin’ lovely let me tell you.
I’m not saying that because I’m one of those people who likes to eat strange food and come across as a pretentious bumhole. I had only just eaten my first ever currant scone a few days before after all.
But Goat stew was actually a very nice tender and tasty meal. It resembles lamb in many ways. And if you think about it, what is a goat anyway but a sheep without a thick jumper on?
I also discovered that HMV had been forced to declare its accounts null and void as I had not been in that weekend and bought a DVD. This infuriated me as I am a holder of one of those HMV cards that you collect points on. I have over 50,000 and had been saving up for a £50 gift card, but there seems very chance of that ever coming to fruition.
Blockbuster has also gone the way of Woolworths and Ourprice, but I’m not really bothered about that because I have not set foot inside a Blockbuster video shop since The Burbs was realised on VHS.
I kept checking the weather back home whever it got too hot to sit in the sun and was forced to sit at the bar and cool down with a cheeky little cocktail called SUNRISE.
They are very VERY nice indeed and come with the Bumferry Hogart SEAL OF APPROVAL.
The recipe can be found below. - but you will have to turn your head sideways because I am unable to correct the pictures (sorry)
But while the sun shone and the Amercians yelped and whooped their way around the pool high fiving each other for no reason at all and I tried my very best NOT to stare at the topless octogenarians that seemed to pop up everywhere my eyes fell, the snow in the UK did finally dispearse and things warmed up a little bit.
Things pretty much recycle over the next ten days and finally come full circle when, on the flight home I ejaculate AGAIN with my milk. I was really trying to be careful but alas, it was not to be. Luckily it was Mrs H was bore the worst of my outburst – HA! That rhymed.
So now I am back home and once I have had a good nights sleep and a proper cup of tea I will be expecting this country of ours to settle down and get a grip and try to get through the year without any more silliness.
Anyway. We are home now. And that is the end of that.