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Monday, 11 February 2013


Monday lunch time and the Pope has given up trying. A man who looks like he should not be allowed near children unsupervised with dubious history of Nazi youth and rumours of cover ups of child molestation in his past has decided that it's time to let a younger man take on the mantel of being God's voice on Earth.
Silent....but deadly!

Fair enough.

But lets be honest, its probably all the fault of which ever cardinal gave him that i-pad last year. You just know that he downloaded bubble whitch saga or angry birds and thought “Sod it. This is much more fun than apologising for all those kiddy fiddlers and war crimes.”

And who could blame him.

Here is a guy who has dress up in giant hats and long robes, throwing doves out of windows and reading bits of the bible from his bedroom window.

That’s no life for a pensioner.

But quit he has, and so all the other Cardinals and whatnots will have to decide who is going to be the next guy to act as Gods representative on Earth.

We would all love to see an Xfactor style competition where Desmond Tutu and Father Jack have to battle it out in order to get the gig – but that won’t happen.

Instead there will be thousands of camera crews and reporters reporting live as the whole world waits to see some smoke drift out of a chimney.
In order to save everyone the time and bother I have come up with a short list of who I think would make a cracking pope.
In no particular order here they are.

Howard Brown:

Can save you money on your mortgage AND you soul
Howard has not been seen for a while and probably needs the work.
A sign of a good Pope is a face that everyone can trust. That’s cheeky smile and giant comedy specs he wears makes Howard a great choice for Pontif. He probably knows a little bit about money management as well so could help to sort out what to do with the dwindling amount of cash collection boxes bring.

"Every time you hear that beep!
think of the fun you could be having ...in church"
Dale Winton:

Another Celeb that has not been seen out and about for a while. Hitting the dizzying heights of Supermarket Sweep in the 1990’s Dales career could have been something special. He could have been the next Noel Edmunds, but alas the lure of the lottery balls beckoned and poor Dale has been reduced to becoming the face of hope to millions of poor and desperate people in need of a financial miracle. The job of Pope seems like a natural fit for Mr Winton.

Dame Judi Dench.

Pope Judi the first. Has a nice ring to it.
Everyone loves Dame Judi She can act like no other and is about the right age. She has been in loads of films and stage plays so the nerves wouldn’t be a problem and I imagine she won’t stand for any nonsense either. She has already played the part of a queen and the head of MI5 so the only obvious option is for her to play the part of God's go to guy on this little ball of mud we call home.

Stephen Hawkings:

"..Level 113 on bubblewich? you fucker!"
Proffessor Hawkings may seem like an odd choice for Pope but let’s look at the facts. There is a great divide between Science and Religion where there really  shouldn’t be. A lot of what religion says is very similar to that of the sciences and the two are very rarely at odds in any meaningful sense.
Both claim the universe started the same way. The bible says that God said let there be light and science says there was some sort of bang. A big bang if you will.

Bangs are explosions and explosions usually result in a flash of light so there’s that.
But why Hawkings over any other brainiac? Well, unlike Brian Cox for example, Hawkins is in a wheelchair and unable to use his legs. The pope to is never seen walking, much like Kermit the frog....
This is true.
From the famous Pop-mobile to all the times he is seen in public, the mane is being carried by people, electric cars or dressed up fork lift trucks. The option with the least amount of change for people to get used to here is Prof. S Hawkings.

Dawn French:

She already has the outfit, so that saves a few quid.
This is the pick of the bunch in my opinion. Dawn French has played the part a lady clergyman for the best part of a decade and so has probably picked up a few tricks of the trade in that time. As her role in The Vicar Of Dibly, she did a decent job in convincing the old school vanguard of men in the village that even birds can talk a load of hypocritical shite and even got one of them to admit he loved her in the end.
What better way to drag this institution into the 21st century than have a jolly woman making cheeky innuendo each and every Mass?

So there you go.

A brief but concise list of 5 very different but equally good candidates for the new job of Pope.

Who will win? POPE your answers on a postcard and send to someone who cares.

Fingers crossed one of these well deserving citizens gets the gig. We will have to wait until the end of March to find out.


  1. It is a shock indeed that such a popular Pope would finally decide that he is off to do better things. They do say that God moves in mysterious ways, and as the main man on Earth it is the Popes job to keep up. As you get older most folk find that everything other folk do is a mystery, yet alone God.

    But then everyone else finds what you do is a mystery too, and I think that includes God, once God thinks to himself that the Pope is moving in mysterious ways, I think we can say the writing in one the wall and no one likes to see graffiti on a Vatican wall.

    As for you choices Well sorry the women have had it; even the Church of England will not let them be Pope so a Catholic Pope is a no no. Poor old Stephen Hawkings will have too much hassle kissing runways, and Dale does look like he might be gay, sorry Dale I have no problems with this but the church can be a bit judgemental on such issues . . . . . .

    So I think we are left with Howard , as I said earlier

    God moves in mysterious ways . . .

    1. Why not a lady pope? A Popette is you will. Times they are a changin' and I reckon a woman could do a lot of good. They've got Two females on that Dragons Den and a lady referee on the snooker. Its a topsy turvy world we live in.

  2. A woman pope?? Next you'll be suggesting that women can join the army, or become Prime Ministers!!
    It's political correctness gone mad!

    1. That also goes for black Pope. Think they gonna let a brother sit in that chair? What if he pimped out the Popemobile? Would they need the bullet-proof glass for would-be-assassins of him?

      I for one would like to see it.

      Just keep Dawn French away from...well...everything!

    2. There is a black man in the running for pope. he is currently running at 4/1 second favourite. Not that I'm bothered other than the 26p bet i slapped down the other day.

    3. My money is on a South American Pope. Just think what you could stash in the chassis of a Pope mobile, a fortune in rosary beads (nudge nudge say no more) . .

  3. In the Pope's resignation letter, he should have written "Popein' ain't easy"


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