POPE Idol

Monday lunch time and the Pope has given up trying. A man who looks like he should not be allowed near children unsupervised with dubious history of Nazi youth and rumours of cover ups of child molestation in his past has decided that it's time to let a younger man take on the mantel of being God's voice on Earth.

Silent....but deadly!

Fair enough.

But lets be honest, its probably all the fault of which ever cardinal gave him that i-pad last year. You just know that he downloaded bubble whitch saga or angry birds and thought “Sod it. This is much more fun than apologising for all those kiddy fiddlers and war crimes.”

And who could blame him.

Here is a guy who has dress up in giant hats and long robes, throwing doves out of windows and reading bits of the bible from his bedroom window.

That’s no life for a pensioner.

But quit he has, and so all the other Cardinals and whatnots will have to decide who is going to be the next guy to act as Gods representative on Earth.

We would all love to see an Xfactor style competition where Desmond Tutu and Father Jack have to battle it out in order to get the gig – but that won’t happen.

Instead there will be thousands of camera crews and reporters reporting live as the whole world waits to see some smoke drift out of a chimney.

In order to save everyone the time and bother I have come up with a short list of who I think would make a cracking pope.

In no particular order here they are.

Howard Brown:

Can save you money on your mortgage AND you soul

Howard has not been seen for a while and probably needs the work.

A sign of a good Pope is a face that everyone can trust. That’s cheeky smile and giant comedy specs he wears makes Howard a great choice for Pontif. He probably knows a little bit about money management as well so could help to sort out what to do with the dwindling amount of cash collection boxes bring.

"Every time you hear that beep!
think of the fun you could be having ...in church"

Dale Winton:

Another Celeb that has not been seen out and about for a while. Hitting the dizzying heights of Supermarket Sweep in the 1990’s Dales career could have been something special. He could have been the next Noel Edmunds, but alas the lure of the lottery balls beckoned and poor Dale has been reduced to becoming the face of hope to millions of poor and desperate people in need of a financial miracle. The job of Pope seems like a natural fit for Mr Winton.

Dame Judi Dench.

Pope Judi the first. Has a nice ring to it.

Everyone loves Dame Judi She can act like no other and is about the right age. She has been in loads of films and stage plays so the nerves wouldn’t be a problem and I imagine she won’t stand for any nonsense either. She has already played the part of a queen and the head of MI5 so the only obvious option is for her to play the part of God's go to guy on this little ball of mud we call home.

Stephen Hawkings:

"..Level 113 on bubblewich? you fucker!"

Proffessor Hawkings may seem like an odd choice for Pope but let’s look at the facts. There is a great divide between Science and Religion where there really  shouldn’t be. A lot of what religion says is very similar to that of the sciences and the two are very rarely at odds in any meaningful sense.

Both claim the universe started the same way. The bible says that God said let there be light and science says there was some sort of bang. A big bang if you will.

Bangs are explosions and explosions usually result in a flash of light so there’s that.

But why Hawkings over any other brainiac? Well, unlike Brian Cox for example, Hawkins is in a wheelchair and unable to use his legs. The pope to is never seen walking, much like Kermit the frog....

This is true.

From the famous Pop-mobile to all the times he is seen in public, the mane is being carried by people, electric cars or dressed up fork lift trucks. The option with the least amount of change for people to get used to here is Prof. S Hawkings.

Dawn French:

She already has the outfit, so that saves a few quid.

This is the pick of the bunch in my opinion. Dawn French has played the part a lady clergyman for the best part of a decade and so has probably picked up a few tricks of the trade in that time. As her role in The Vicar Of Dibly, she did a decent job in convincing the old school vanguard of men in the village that even birds can talk a load of hypocritical shite and even got one of them to admit he loved her in the end.

What better way to drag this institution into the 21^st century than have a jolly woman making cheeky innuendo each and every Mass?

So there you go.

A brief but concise list of 5 very different but equally good candidates for the new job of Pope.

Who will win? POPE your answers on a postcard and send to someone who cares.

Fingers crossed one of these well deserving citizens gets the gig. We will have to wait until the end of March to find out.