A History of Hogarts (part four)

Even more tales of historical inaccuracies and dubious claims of infamous shenanigans are revealed  with the latest  update of the twisted, knotted, bug infested Hogart Family Tree.


Garth and Elsie Hogart.


Picture the scene, if you will (this story will make very little sense otherwise). The year is 1862 and the American Civil war is in full swing.

Somewhere, out in the middle of the plains sits a small log cabin, home to Garth and Elsie Hogart. A young couple who had two sheep, a dog, some chickens and rickets. (Garth and Elsie had rickets, it is unknown if the chickens also suffered)

Garth spent most of his days chopping wood and chasing the chickens in the hope of squeezing some eggs out of them (he was not the brightest of chaps).

Elsie would be running behind him trying to explain "That is not how eggs are made!" but Garth knew better.

It is a trait amongst the Hogart menfolk that they always know best and even if they are not right - they are never wrong.

When Garth was not abusing chickens, he would often be found behind a book at his small desk, attempting to invent "the next big thing".

In all his years, he only ever invented small things.

Try as he might he could never invent a thing that could be described as BIG.

Belly button caps (to stop the build up of lint), Tongue splints and the dot above a lower case 'j' are just three of the four small items that Garth invented over his life time.

It was until after his passing (he died from an exploding chicken that had not been squeezed for a whole week) that Elsie took over the mantle of inventing from her deceased husband.

sorting through his years worth of notes, Elsie quickly realised that if she combined her husbands inventions into one connected BIG invention that her partners life long dream could be realised.

It the discovery of Garths last ever invention, The Coconut shaver, that held the key to creating the greatest invention mankind would ever witness.

Elsie worked hard to ensure that all the piece were in the right order and after using all her savings to collect as many coconuts as she could and during the summer of 1915 Elsie turned on the Garth Hogart Big Machine...... and nothing happened.

When it said that nothing happened, it is not to be mistaken that there was a lack of things occurring in the direct vicinity, but rather a lack of anything was left beyond the switching on of the indescribable machine.

The belly button cap vanished, the lower case 'j' was nowhere to be found and the tongue splints were noticeable by their absence.

The coconuts had also disappeared . All of them.

Nobody knew how the machined worked or even what it was supposed to do. Theories have circulated over the ages that it was a giant egg squeezer or some kind of time machine, but all we do know is that if you have a desperate need to get rid of a load of coconuts without any harm whatsoever coming to your chickens.... speak to one of the Hogarts... oh damn.

A History of Hogarts (part three)

In our continuing trawl through time, searching the nooks and crannies of history for note worthy members that cling to the Hogart family tree like rotten fruit, we take time to remember one of our true heroines....


Formaldehyde Hogart was instrumental in the women's movement during the early 20th century.

Of particular note was the strange events leading to her death in 1913.

Formaldehyde (or Heidi to her friends) was a very angry woman. It has never been easy being a Hogart and having the misfortune of being a woman (it was okay to say things like that back then), made life even worse.

Mother of 8 children, Heidi lost her husband in a very unusual game of dominoes during one damp and grey night in the local pub "The Mewling Quim".
Being a gambling woman she not only lost her husband but had gained 8 children by "playing the odds" with contraception.

Having to bring up 8 snot faced, malnourished smell makers was never going to be easy but Heidi soon found that by simply ignoring them allowed her progeny to become self sufficient and gave more drinking time.

During one of her more sober moments, Heidi got talking to a friend who told about the Suffragette movement and women's rights.

Heidi thought this would be a great way to use up some of her home made placards she had spent the past year making for no reason whatsoever.

Over the coming weeks Heidi joined discussions and protests throughout the region.

Although the overwhelming majority of people involved were looking forward to a time when women would be treated as equals in society, Heidi just wanted a night out with a chance of a pie, a pint and bloody good fight.

On one of her more boisterous occasions, Heidi dared a fellow suffragette to head-butt the Kings horse at the Epsom derby.

It later turned out that Heidi had placed a bet on a 35/1 outsider who was being held up and having placed her whole life savings (and the movements petty cash) on the horse, Heidi knew of no other way than throwing the whole race in order to void her bet and get the money back.

It on her way to collect her stake from the bookmaker that a rather large coconut appeared from nowhere and killed Heidi instantly.

To this day there is no mention of Formaldehyde Hogart in any official book about the women's movement.

Next week: GARTH and ELSIE HOGART

A History of Hogarts (part two)

Furthering the findings of my family fortunes has uncovered many surprises and shocks. As we delve into history with another tale from the Hogart family tree.


During the middle ages, many people took up the role of Troubadours. One such wandering Minstrel went by the name of "One Finger" Hogart.

One Finger was, as his name suggests, not a very good minstrel.

He was however famed for making terrible tunes and ditties and was mocked through his life for only ever being able to play a single note per tune.

Kings and lords from across the land would send for him to play before their courts.

One Finger believed his popularity was from his individualistic talents of mono syllabic music, however, it was well known through musical circles that One Finger was simply the laughing stock of the nation and seen as more of a jester than a true musician.

Ask any modern day scholar of the Middle ages and they will often point to his life and downfall (albeit he started at the bottom and didn't have far to fall) with his epitaphs scribed by he fellow Minstrels.

The following are examples of the last few days of One Finger Hogarts recorded life.  


There once was a minstrel called one finger.
With a hi-fi- diddly de-de.
He could only play a single note
It sometimes was a high middle C"

and...

"One Finger Hogart - pessimist through life
When one door opens another one shuts
Wandered through life without a care in the world
Died from a falling coco-nut"

To this day, nobody is sure where that coconut came from, or where it went. But it was not the first time and would certainly not be the last time the curse of the falling coconut would strike the Hogart clan.

Next week: FORMALDEHYDE HOGART

A History of Hogarts (part one)

I have spent the past few months, weeks... okay a quick Google search, researching my family history for the slim chance that I may be due a small fortune or unclaimed inheritance.

Tracing back my family tree has uncovered a number of interesting facts that have, until now, remained untold and hidden from public view.

It appears that a good number of my ancestors have influenced history and caused more than one upset along the way.

What I often thought was a simple case of paranoia, turns out to nothing more than an ancient curse set upon my blood line.

Here, for the first time in print, is the deepest darkest secret of the FAMILY HOGART:

 PART ONE: Walter Hogart.

In the year 1876 and Walter Hogart would often be found fishing in the small river than ran through the fictional northern town of Stockdale.

A simple man with simple tastes, he would sit by the bank of the river, chewing on a lump of stale bread while the slow moving stream wandered along in the vain hope of finding the ocean.

Walter would pass the day thinking of the future. What wonders awaited, Walter whispered to himself.

Will we ever cure left handedness? What the ACTUAL odds of being hit on the head by a falling coconut? What about socks?!?! Will nobody think about socks?

Ideas and notions would pass through his mind at irregular intervals. Strange words like "internet" and "mono sodium glutamate" made shapes on his lips.

He had no comprehension what any of these things meant, but he knew they were important.

So important that one day he threw his fishing rod into the river and ran into town to tell everybody his ideas.

The people of Stockdale were well known for their eccentrics and maniacs and very few of the humble townsfolk paid much attention to Walter.

It broke his heart.

Days and weeks passed with very little attention passing his way. Walter decided to write down everything he had thought of and the very addition of "inconsiderata ineptias"

1000 copies were drawn up and small chapters were passed around town, left on pub tables or hung to the back of stray dogs.
At one point, Walter hit upon the idea of sneezing and coughing on people who looked at his work in one of the worlds first attempts to make something "go viral".
18 people dies from flu.

It was safe to say that sales were not the best and Walter was arrested for being mad and was locked away for the rest of his life.

He died three weeks later when (during a rather unusual and improbable cascade of events) Walter Hogart was struck on the head by a falling coconut.

Next week: ONE FINGER HOGART