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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Sunday, 26 July 2015

A History of Hogarts (part four)

Even more tales of historical inaccuracies and dubious claims of infamous shenanigans are revealed  with the latest  update of the twisted, knotted, bug infested Hogart Family Tree.

Garth and Elsie Hogart.

Picture the scene, if you will (this story will make very little sense otherwise). The year is 1862 and the American Civil war is in full swing.

Somewhere, out in the middle of the plains sits a small log cabin, home to Garth and Elsie Hogart. A young couple who had two sheep, a dog, some chickens and rickets. (Garth and Elsie had rickets, it is unknown if the chickens also suffered)

Garth spent most of his days chopping wood and chasing the chickens in the hope of squeezing some eggs out of them (he was not the brightest of chaps).

Elsie would be running behind him trying to explain "That is not how eggs are made!" but Garth knew better.

It is a trait amongst the Hogart menfolk that they always know best and even if they are not right - they are never wrong.

When Garth was not abusing chickens, he would often be found behind a book at his small desk, attempting to invent "the next big thing".

In all his years, he only ever invented small things.

Try as he might he could never invent a thing that could be described as BIG.

Belly button caps (to stop the build up of lint), Tongue splints and the dot above a lower case 'j' are just three of the four small items that Garth invented over his life time.

It was until after his passing (he died from an exploding chicken that had not been squeezed for a whole week) that Elsie took over the mantle of inventing from her deceased husband.

sorting through his years worth of notes, Elsie quickly realised that if she combined her husbands inventions into one connected BIG invention that her partners life long dream could be realised.

It the discovery of Garths last ever invention, The Coconut shaver, that held the key to creating the greatest invention mankind would ever witness.

Elsie worked hard to ensure that all the piece were in the right order and after using all her savings to collect as many coconuts as she could and during the summer of 1915 Elsie turned on the Garth Hogart Big Machine...... and nothing happened.

When it said that nothing happened, it is not to be mistaken that there was a lack of things occurring in the direct vicinity, but rather a lack of anything was left beyond the switching on of the indescribable machine.

The belly button cap vanished, the lower case 'j' was nowhere to be found and the tongue splints were noticeable by their absence.

The coconuts had also disappeared . All of them.

Nobody knew how the machined worked or even what it was supposed to do. Theories have circulated over the ages that it was a giant egg squeezer or some kind of time machine, but all we do know is that if you have a desperate need to get rid of a load of coconuts without any harm whatsoever coming to your chickens.... speak to one of the Hogarts... oh damn.


  1. So Mr H it seems rather ironic that the family curse of death by coconut may very well be a direct result of one of the family inventions. Or maybe she knew all a long and had the entire family insured against death by falling coconuts. I know its a terrible thought but one that made me nip along to the betting shop to get odds of any folk called Hogart dying as a result of falling coconuts. Sadly the odds are rather short so I decided that 100000000 to 1 on a cat being found on the surface of Mars in the next six weeks which seemed a better bet.. . . I am now rather busy making a rocket for a small cat which I will be launching in a few days. . . One small step for cats, one huge payout for mankind (me).

    Keep watching the skies Mr H for coconuts (and cats)

    1. It is a well known fact that 100000000 to 1 shots always come in just when you need them. Will we see a cat on Mars or a mouse on the Moon first (it is made of cheese after all) hahahahahahaha!

  2. So it was in fact a Hogart that was responsible for the demise of the Hogarts. Does that mean that somewhere out there, there is a coconut with your name written on it? And if so, what kind of trickery be it that there is a coconut already pre-destined for you? This story just raises my questions then it solves!


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