The end of another year.
Twelve months of nonsense are behind and as the last moments of 2015 crumble and shrivel into dust we all begin to think about the future and which New Years resolutions we are going to bugger up first.
But before that, let's take a look back at all the things we screwed up, messed about with, broke and ruined for everyone else with the year that will forever be known as "2015"
JANUARY:
Ethel Lang, who was the oldest living person in the UK, died at the ripe old age of 114. This kick started a spate of deaths throughout the year, with a notable absence of new famous people being born.
I have been warning folks for years that we are running out of famous people and this is the main reason we have to put up with shite shows like "Big Brother" and "Dancing yer tits off" and "You might remember my face off a thing from the 1990's but now I'm going to cook a thing" in a pathetic attempt to redress the balance.
It's not working.
It feels a bit warmer than usual...
Also in January, Sir John Chilcot says he will hand in his homework regarding just how guilty Tony Blair was during the Iraq war "...later". As of writing this post, he still has not done it.
FEBRUARY:
Those dirty minded beggers in the House of Commons made it a law that 3 people could make a baby.
I have spent the past ten months trying to work out the logistics of how this would be possible.
I am assuming that you would need at least one willing lady to take part and then, for the sake of making up the numbers, at least two men (having two women would really be a redundancy unless she was there to mop brows or hold somebodies legs... I don't know).
I have searched on line for videos of how this 3 person partenthood would work, but I am not sure those who took part in the videos were actual scientists and in some cases knew how babies were made!!!!
I'll be honest and admit some of them made my glasses steam up.
Anyway, it astonishes me how UK MP's think they can just make up laws that change how babies are made.... the nerve of these people!
Everybody said how cold it was, although the UK did receive 111% of is average sunshine.
MARCH:
Nick Clegg was still Deputy Prime Minister (Yes, that was this year!!!)
There was a partial solar eclipse in the UK which resulted in a lot of people being confused, looking up at the clouds and not understanding how the sky works. idiots.
Jeremy Clarkson punched a man for not getting his tea ready. This resulted in Jezza leaving the BBC and eventually getting more money and a new TV show, which just goes to show that violence DOES work.
Fred the Weatherman is sent to jail for being a filthy bastard. The rest of the weather for the year went nuts with strong winds, wet rain and hot sunshine in between.
APRIL:
Over £200 million worth of jewellery is stolen from a lot of rich peoples safety deposit boxes. It soon turns out that the thieves are a bunch of pensioners and everybody falls in love with the romantic idea of OAPS being able to get away with theft. To this day, most of the swag is still out there somewhere!!!
We had 143% sunshine according to the Met office (which is impossible!)
MAY:
A Famous person is born!
Little princess Charlotte pops out of her mummies tummy in the month of May to much joy of Royalists and TV reporters who spent, what felt like, weeks outside of a "hospikul" in order to tell the world a woman "did poo out a human from her most royal foo-foo".
It was neither confirmed nor denied by palace officials if three people were involved in the conception.
Asking the general public to take responsibility for their own actions is like expecting more than three people to read this far down this post without clicking off to watch a cat video.
Temperatures across the UK ranged from -5.6C to 23.8C. Crazy.
JUNE:
This month saw a nationwide poll to find a national bird for the UK. The public's favourite candidate was a Robin (or Christmas Pigeon as I call it). Which just goes to show how unimaginative the UK is. idiots.
Winds in Wales reached 78MPH which is against the law.
JULY:
The UK begins to melt as temperatures reach double figures. People walk around saying "ooh, it's hot isn't it?" Just in case you didn't realise why you were sweating like Lord Sewel....who....
...was being investigated by police after he was filmed taking cocaine (dickhead dust) with prostitutes.
The naughty man.
It rained like buggery in parts of Blighty and everybody got wet socks.
AUGUST:
Cilla Black dies, bringing us back into the red when it comes to the dead/alive famous people ratio. (shiiit!)
Flash floods hit the UK again and thousands of BBQs went unused across the nation.
SEPTEMBER:
The world of politics goes nuts when a stand in geography teacher walks through the wrong door and becomes the leader of the Labour party. He installs a Phil Jupitus look-a-like as his deputy.
In a last desperate bid to stop famous people from popping their cloggs and leaving us without anyone to vote for in "I'm a Celeb" MPs reject a bill to allow "the right to die". The audible sigh of relief from the house of Lords can be heard across London.
We had a Super Moon and nutters bleated on about the end of world which never happened.
The weather this month was rather forgettable, which ruins the running gag about reporting the weather in a yearly review.
OCTOBER:
England introduces a 5 pence charge on plastic bags and everybody goes nuts. People could not have been more confused if a law had been passed allowing 3 people births or stopping people from dying.
NOVEMBER:
It is still warm and nobody knows when summer will end. People stop talking about warm it is... for one week.
The American Spending holiday, BLACK FRIDAY returns the UK and in typical British style, our nation shrugs it off and has a lie in, refusing to be made to look like feral beasts.
DECEMBER:
A UK man is sent into space in order to cool down a bit as the weather IS STILL TOO WARM!
Everybody wants to ban Donald Trump from coming to the UK because he has been talking bollocks. In the same week, Katie Hopkins said a thing and Pierce Morgan appears on BBC Question Time and the nation hangs it's head in shame.
And the stuttered to a halt with what may be the least stimulating headline EVER:
Parts of UK have mildest December night for decades, experts say
 |
| ...The hell is wrong with you people? |
And that was the year 2015.
There were wars and terrorists seem to make a few headlines, which made things a bit crap and that is really the reason why this year gets a Thoughtless Gibberish 6 out 10.
