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Saturday, 7 May 2011

Time travel in 500 words

How to build a time travel portal.

News from the BBC website about an experiment to prove one of Einstein’s theories of relativity led me to thinking about the possible applications the results could have for beneficial use of mankind.

If you want to read the whole story you can here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-13286241

Or you can let me inform you of the facts in 500 words. In a nut shell, the news reports that scientists have used a bunch of tiny gyroscopes in a vacuum filled container with something called super-fluid helium, the planet Earth and a stop watch to calculate the distortion caused to space-time by the gravitational effects of the Earth.

Einstein’s theory was that something with a large mass will warp and bend space and time.

The clever bods in white coats have now proved that.

But what do we do with this information?

How can it be utilised to benefit mankind?

I believe I have the solution.

To begin with we need to evacuate the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland and clean up all the bits of loose helium floating around, because we don’t need people messing around making squeaky voices when there is serious science going on.

Once the cleanup has finish we simply get a load of really fat people (we will probably need about 3,000 to begin with) and thrown them in the LHC in pairs starting with just the morbidly obese and then working our way up the chart to those guys that can’t even wipe their own bums and finishing with the ones that are so big they don’t have facial features.


These projectiles will be hurtled around the LHC by the process of magnetism (we will feed them on cakes and jam butties laced with iron fillings, this will double up on how we get them to follow us in the first place).

As they start to whoosh around they will smash into each other causing some kind of scientific effect that we just don’t know about yet and “hey Presto!” a big ol’ tunnel of time will appear waiting for some chisel jawed hero to pop through and stop Hitler or whatever.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking its ridiculous and will never work.
But my friends, that what they said about the Television and diet coke when they first came out. And look at the world now.

Plus this will have the dramatic effect of not only reducing the ever increasing population of the world, but also ease the strain caused by all them greedy buggers with world starvation and the world will probably stink a little less too. So we all win.

But what would we do with time travel?

Who would we choose to save from history? And who would we wipe from the records of time?

For me it would be Dave. I really hate Dave – and so should you.

And that is the real lesson we should all learn for today.

Carry on.

1 comment:

  1. I would travel back to a time when I hadn't seen that picture of that fat lass.


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