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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Thursday, 31 January 2013

Holiday Report Part Two Of Three

This is the second part of the three part trilogy of my adventures in the Dominican Republic.
In this edition we will discover what happens when you eat the best steak in the world and what my reaction would be if you asked me to partake in any event that resembles movement in the baking hot sun when I am already sweating from just sitting still… oh and a lesbian makes an appearance although there is no unwanted ejaculation

We arrived tired and hungry. We retired to our room and decided to simply order room service and have an early night.

This was a mistake.
A Penis Colander - as I amusingly called them!
Calling room service consisted of listening to a phone ring out for over 5 minutes until I gave up and went to reception with all the outrage that very white pale Englishman can muster.

“Excuse me? I’m ever so sorry to bother you.” I raged like a banshee! “Would be possible to order some room service as I think I may have done something wrong with the phone and can not connect with room service. I am sorry to bother you with this…. Sorry.” I demanded.

The lovely lady at the reception desk took my order of a club sandwich and I returned to my room victorious.

The club sandwich I had ordered arrived and here is where the cultural and language differences became very apparent.

I thought I had ordered a club sandwich. That being a Sandwich. If you can imagine ANY kind of sandwich with the sort of filling that might possibly be involved in the creation of a Club sandwich, you and I would probably be on the same lines.

Room service at the Riu Palace Macao, however, decided to deliver the smallest of tiny half a slice of bread (with no crust) with a bit of American chesse and a bit of tomato.

Oh yes, and a wheelbarrows worth of chips.

The food got much better the day after. It got to the point where I very nearly cried whilst eating the most succulent and tasty, not to mention, the biggest steak I have ever had.
I forget what this is called - but it tasted as rank as it looked.

Mrs H had a lobster for tea. She said it was nice.

The following are some random notes, made at the time, in what I thought would make an amusing and informative journal. – It’s not but I’m putting it here to fill space.

There are a lot of Germans here.

Old Germans.

Germans of a certain age that I couldn’t help wondering if they were just old enough to have any regrets about shooting at my Grandad 70 years or so ago. I have Nothing against Germans per say, but there are a lot of them and they don’t look guilty enough for their age.

Try and imagine what a lot of old Germans who don’t look guilty looks like.... Well, there were MORE than that.

On our First full day the sun tried to shine and to be fair the bits of cloud cover kept me from combusting. Its seems having a natural skin tone of a greyish blue hue increases ones chance of setting alight by 87%. FACT.

ONE OF THE DAYS - during an afternoon of beautiful food and pins coladas I accidentally discovered that the hotel had run out of water. It appears that by me flushing the toilet I seemed to have run the well dry, so to speak. Never mind though, more “penis colanders” pour favour!

A DIFFERENT DAY - having finished a rather unusual meal of beef wrapped around an omelette(yes I said that the right way round) we returned to the bar for a couple of cocktails. All was going swimmingly until the arrival of a lesbian and her stray dog entered my vision.

A stray dog being petted by people who should know better than to stroke stay dogs
I became a little unnerved by the sight of dangling breasts and heavy set eyes of shame. Lord knows what diseases this poor creature was riddled with. It had obviously been abused at some point as it was fearful of men and wouldn't accept a drink from them.
I have nothing against lesbiains - I have created more than a few in my time (true story)
At this point I think I should point out that I am in fact referring to the dog and not the lesbian here. . . she was gargantuan with one of those bleach blonde cropped hair cuts though- you know the sort I mean (the lesbian not the dog) like a nineties Emma Forbes or that girl Ace who played Dr Who’s assistant when he was played by Sylvester McCoy.
Anyway, we retired to our room son after as it was very late and Earnest Hemmingways' cocktails are very nice but make me sleepy.

TUESDAY or maybe not(?) - Up early to continue sitting in the sun sweating profusely and getting the grey bits of my body to turn a slightly less embarrassing shade of death warmed up.

Everybody else here is either bronze or beautifully dark skinned. I, on the other hand, still resemble a milky bar in a selection box of caramel toffees and bournville chocolates. An odd combination for sure and not one you would expect to find in your Christmas stocking.

The super friendly overly keen and constantly smiling entertainment staff are starting to piss me off though.

Don't they realise that I'm British and therefore have no desire to interact any way shape or form with other human beings? I just want to sit and suffer in mild silence as I slowly boil down to my basic elements of red skin and salt. I have no wish to play shuffleboard, nor do I want to partake in volleyball or golf or Pilate's.
What in the world would posses anyone to move around so much in the seating heat? It's just not normal.

I will shake your hand and mutter “Hmm….yes” when you say to me “Comb over his pass?” or however it’s pronounced, but nothing more. I’m hot and English and very red all over. Thankyou.

The final part will follow shortly.
Mr Hemmingway I presume....?


  1. It is very late Mr H, I will be back tomorrow . . . .... but that made me smile....

    1. I think I need to start prrof reading what I write. Granted most of this was done in the hotel bar, with one eye on that stray dog, but still - some/most of this doesn't make sense to me AND I WAS THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED! hahahahahaha

    2. *proof not prrof - Oh Em flipping Gee! hahahahahahahahaha-ahahahahahahaha-ahahahahahaha...... as I'm sure your mum would say - IDIOT! :)

    3. No Mr H I know your pain . . . . .

  2. Haha! I can see this as one of those BBC comedy Dramas, about an Englishman abroad.
    You'd be all grouchy and perpetually irate at the locals and their customs, whilst still wearing a shirt and tie in the balmy mid-day sun, as you go off to investigate several murders...oh...I think I might have you confused with Ben Miller from Death in Paradise...sorry.

    And I'm most intrigued by this superpower you have, of creating lesbians. Do tell all! :)

    1. I dare not for fear that you wouldn't believe me. Its like the Midas touch and even if I apply the law of averages when it comes to meeting women - I am cursed. Always a bridesmaid etc etc's.

  3. Hello Mr H I made it back, I have been out working. Our septic tank and soak-away is not working some fool planted a willow tree next to it about twenty years or so ago and guess where the roots have gone, life is full of excitement.

    I am rather an old fashioned chap at heart holding the door open for women and standing up on the train, bus and the like for old folk who are probably younger than me these days. I mention this because although I don't drink alcohol, when I did it tended to be Fifty Shapes of Brown. admittedly there were one or two things that folk talked of that were not brown but they were a bit like chickens teeth in reality. Those drinks you have picture of look a little scary to me I would be thinking things like will I be sick and if I am what will it look like. These are not the thoughts one should be thinking when drinking (Oooooo I like that Thinking while Drinking)

    I agree about us Brits and the sun unless you are very lucky we do not look good in shorts on the beach and once past the age of thirty it is a seriously bad move on many counts. The one I particularly don't like is a large group of locals pointing and rolling about in hysterics.

    Ooooooo I do wish you had played Pirates Mr H

    Ps dont worry about the proof reading to much, we understand and we all make these silly errors all the time. For some reason I do not understand my PC spell checks everything from word to the internet to my comments here and I still get things wrong.

    1. I very nearly fell into our septic tank last year. It was a very frightening experience. The cocktails were not as sickly as they look. But I very rarely drink at home and what I did drink will last me for another year at least!


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