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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Saving The World 998 Words At A Time.

Professor Stephen Hawkins hasn’t said much for a while. In fact the last thing I can find on the internet is dated all the back to September 2010!

For someone who it is claimed is the cleverest man in the world, he’s gone a bit shy with answers to the latest problems facing our species of late....

So in his absence I opt for myself to take on the mantel of world’s problem solver.

Any objections?



Here goes then.

Problem one:    WAR – most clever bods and left wing thinkers will take great pleasure in moaning on that war is all about is greed and money and that the only way to stop war is stop the wicked governments and smash up a McDonald’s window to show your disdain for capitalism. That is rubbish. The thing that smashing windows and having a protest does is cause traffic delays and raise insurance premiums. Oh, and allow the police to practice kettling routines.

There really isn’t a problem with war. War is good for many reasons. It allows great leaps in science and medicine for example. The Second World War allowed for the creation of many things we take for granted today. Air travel, motorways, microwave ovens, great leaps in surgery and medicine as well. And let’s not forget all those brilliant war movies like The Eagle has landed, Shindlers List, Ghostbusters two and Apocalypse now to name but three and another one.

The real problem people have with war is the killing. The deaths of civilians and of soldiers. That’s the bad part and I tend to agree. But without soldiers there would be no war. So my solution to war is to stop the soldiers fighting. But how to do this...
It’s very simple really. All you need are three things 1, a war zone. 
2 some soldiers fighting each other. 
3 a burger van.

Here’s how it works.

Wait for a couple of days of fighting (no one really gets near each other to do any serious damage in the few couple of days) until the round of rations have been eaten. Then simply parachute a couple of burger vans into “no-man’s land” and set up shop. But not burgers. THAT WOULDN’T WORK AT ALL. Instead start making bacon butties!

Nobody can resist the sweet fleshy smell of bacon butties – even vegetarians.

Put up a sign that says FREE BACON BUTTIES and watch ‘em flock in.

But Bumferry you damned fool what about people who don’t eat pork like Muslims and all that?
And there you have a good point were it not for the fact that I had already thought of that.
Simply make toast!

admit it - you want one!

Thick cut, heavily butter toast is the ultimate weapon to stop anybody in their tracks. Especially if it’s cut diagonally. For some reason toast cut into triangles tastes better.

As the soldiers for each side converge at the burger van, offer politely to take their rifles and guns away so they can take advantage of the tea and coffee on offer as well as hey presto! War over.
Piece of piss!

Problem two:    FAMINE –

Those images we have all seen on TV of starving kids and families in faraway lands can often bring a lump to your throat. But over the years since those first reports from Nicholas Whitchell in the 1980’s of Africa in famine and the resulting Live Aid events, we have all become a little immune to the horrors of others.

Charity events don’t quite cut it anymore. We can’t be bothered to give money. Not even red nose day or comic relief does it for me anymore. The promise of two bit comic’s dicking around until 2 am isn’t enough for me to put my hand in my pocket.

How to get around this problem?

Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

First some facts. Africa is a hot sunny country. That’s why it has so many droughts and therefore famines... so what to do?

The world monetary fund could give the continent of Africa an interest free loan to secure money to build the world’s biggest solar panel array. The people of Africa can be employed to “farm” fields of solar panels, keeping them clean and cool (solar panels only work under certain temperatures and stop working if they get too hot, which is a bit ironic!)

The energy made by the solar panel can be stored and sold to other countries around the world, in the same way oil is now. The people of Africa can get funding and corporate partnerships with other countries such as the USA UK etc to build the parts, train farmers build pipe line for water administrate the workforce and so on. Africa becomes a fully functioning power house for the world. The economy in each member state of Africa become richer over time with the guidance of those countries better suited and more used to running huge businesses.

The result is that the whole world has cheap renewable clean energy, Africa can afford to buy in food it needs and everyone agrees to make me king!


Problem three: poverty/world economy

See above.

That last idea was bloody brilliant I’m taking the rest of the day off!

Problem four: misc.

Most problems can be resolved very easily by simply ignoring them. Scary dogs, cancer, ghosts etc. Just ignore them and they will get bored of you if you don’t react.

Then again I might be wrong. I’m not perfect. I’m certainly no Stephen Hawking.

Speaking of which if he wants to take back what he once said about my mum I would be willing to listen to what he has to say, other that I have no interest in his lies and hateful comments.

You really don’t know some people until you see their bad side.

That’s enough from me.

I’ve done enough for you lot already. What do want? BLOOD???

LOTS OF LOVE Bumferry Hogart (saviour of the world)

Carry on.


  1. This post could potentially be the first one I've read that makes sense, well done! :)

  2. Hello Mr H having been to our local village market and consumed a bacon butty only about an hour ago, its taste still lingering in the mouth despite two rather nice cups of tea with plenty of milk and sugar all I can say is . . . . its a big yes for the bacon and toast. Just to reinforce your point I can state that the local village market is an incredibly friendly place and has never had a war of any sort.

    Solar panels . . . we are both great fans of solar panels, Only three days ago I inputed my latest reading for the last three months and it will equate to almost exactly £750.00. If my little bungalow in Britain can achieve this then Africa could make loads of money after all as you say it is sunny and much bigger than my bungalow by loads. As for water, if sea water was pumped into the deserts using the power created by the solar panels and allowed to evaporate in huge lakes in the desert it would turn to rain and irrigation of crops would be possible. The salt could be collected and shipped to Europe for the roads in the winter, we always run out of salt for the roads.

    You are right about Stephen Hawking he has not come up with a good theory in ages which would have been fine 200 years ago but not in the fast moving world of the internet you need one at least once a week if you want to remain at the cutting edge.

    I like that world of yours Mr H

  3. I didn't even know people could think like this. You certainly nailed it with the solar farms, though.

    I think you're a genius, but I wouldn't like to be on the same bus as you when you're drunk.

    Well-fucking-played. :-)

  4. The day will come Mr H when folk will read this and say Bloody Hell he was right. . . . . . One day Mr H that nobly (sorry Nobel) Prize will be yours and well deserved too.


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