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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Friday, 8 June 2012

The Craptacular Miasmatic Sternum Of Fatties In The Watford Gap

The Watford gap is not a place I am overly familiar with, but suffice to say it is one we all know to be the marker as to where the things that are better meet the other things that are not so good.

“It’s the best (insert locally produce item here) this side of the Watford gap!”

I don’t think it matters which side of the gap you are on, as what is on the other side is never going to be better than what you have on your side.

In its most simplest of forms it is a very subtle form of cheeky racism. “mine is better than yours because you are from somewhere that is not here.”

Its the sort of thing Vegans and Guardian readers will get their fair trade biodegradable knickers into an all mighty twist over. A sudden rush of blood fills there chest and a pounding sensation beats a world music rhythm against their hummus  stained STERNUM.

But how wide the gap is, or indeed its breadth  is debatable and such equations should be unravelled by those who know better than I.

And as for its purpose... Who knows?

Wikipedia states it is a point between two hills somewhere in England.

According to real life people I have asked, it appears to be a shrug of the shoulders followed by the action of walking away whilst shaking your head.

It could even by hypothesised that the Watford gap is in fact the breeding ground for vast quantities of bacteria, germs and other bits of filth. A MIASMA effect as it were. A place where bits of soot from “oop north”(latin “Ee f’buy ek lad oop norrrrth”) meet with the collective smog of “daaaarn saaaaarf” (or its latin “Daaaaaaaaaaaaarrrn Saaaaaarf youse slaaaaaaaag!”) and mix together to formulate a big old stink of CRAPTACULAR proportions.

Who is right? Who is wrong?

 I neither know nor care

But anyone who has had the misfortune of falling into said gap would undoubtedly be able to correctly inform the rest of us once and for whether or not the Watford Gap is in fact the deepest Gap this side of (insert local geographical landmark/pot hole here)

The Watford gap also raises a very important question in that, if a load of FATTIES (or super morbidly obese oxygen thieves to use their correct colloquialism) fell into the Gap (the hole not the shop) how many would be needed to plug and bung up such a vacumn?

Which leads me onto our next subject.

Questions and answers.

I propose to answer any and all unanswerable questions for part two of this silly little experiment of mine.

Pop what ever quandaries, enigmas and down right bloody annoyances you may have that need to be resolved and I will make it my mission to put right your wrongs. (a bit like quantum leap but without all the unnecessary kissing and blue light and morals)

Good luck. (t&c's apply)

With thanks to Darren, Rob and Addman.


  1. Excellent, this is fun. My next words for your next post will be:

    # Tickety-Boo, Rapscallion, Kumquat, and Neutron.

    Also, if you shit yourself in biodegradable knickers, could you call it "composting"?

  2. I see Addman is right into this and quite right too it is far more interactive than the A to Z thing. In fact that A to Z should take note instead of letting people choose there own subject they could decide or have a vote...OK this is not helping you Mr H.

    I have had a thought based on what you have written(and jolly good it is too), you mention Gap(the hole not the shop) and it made me think why would anyone call a shop Gap when it is clearly not a gap or French connection when It bears no resemblance to the film. Although some of the staff do look totally space out on something, whatever happened to Sid's cafe. Even names like The Spar, Why?

    So my question is

    # Why do shops have silly names like Tickety-Boo, Rapscallion, Kumquat, and Neutron#

    See what I did there Mr H and Addman ....... I know, no one likes a smart arse.

    One further question leading on from this is

    #Why do clothing shops assume no one over the age of twenty five buy clothes#

    I hope this helps Mr H, I may need to promote your little project on my post later on.


    In typical Lilly fashion, I'd like to know why the collective term for 'penis' is 'penises?' (which makes total sense) But the collective term for 'vagina' is 'vaginae' and not 'vaginas'.

    If you can find the answer to that, then I shall worship at thy feet.

    1. Mmmmmmmm I have never been to Thyfeet but I am assuming it is south of the Watford gap


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