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Having just returned from watching the Marvel Avengers film (why are you rolling your eyes? I’m i told you I’m a comic book geek) I feel it is my duty to lay down a few rules about frequenting the cinema.

It was a very Good film..

Whether or not this has been discussed before is a mute point as, for the very last time, I have shown enough restraint with the idiotic members of the human race who are willing to pay through the nose to NOT sit still and enjoy the hard work made by others.

Why in the name of, which ever god you believe in, do people (THAT YOU PROBABLY KNOW) feel that it is acceptable to stand up, walk around and make so much noise when it is obviously clear that the other 200 or so people in the very same room are there to be entertained by professional people and not YOU.

Therefore for the benefit of all humanity I have produced this handy cinema goer’s guide to not making yourself a potential target for a good kicking (c.g.g.t.n.m.y.a.p.t.f.a.g.k. for short)

Ooh Err..

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STEP ONE:           Before leaving the house and again before entering the screening room, go to the toilet. Even if you don’t think you need the loo, go anyway. Nobody likes to stare at the silhouette of someone with all the bladder control of a pensioner/infant. Sort that shit out guy!

STEP TWO:          Always remember before you enter the cinema, stop and have a little think to yourself so that you know exactly which film it is you want to watch. DO NOT be that person who gets to the front of the line and then “umms” and “aaahs” about which film to watch – you will be the first against the wall come the revolution.

STEP THREE:       Share the tills: If you are with another cinema goer, please use one till to buy your tickets and/or buy popcorn – there is no excuse to use two tills.

STEP FOUR:        Take note of the time when buying your tickets and drinks and snacks. DO NOT enter the screening room once the film has started. Its easy to do – JUST DON’T BE LATE.

STEP FIVE:           Always turn off your mobile device and end any and all conversations BEFORE you enter any room that has diminished lighting. Seriously. Shut the hell up. I don’t care whatever it is you want to say to the idiot you waddled in with. In fact, I doubt very much that the moron who paid for your ticket and massive sweets has any interest in whatever oral faecal matter you are spitting from your fat bum shaped mouth. JUSTSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP....

Shut the F*@K up Bitch

STEP SIX:              Remember when locating your seat (assuming you are free to choose) don’t use the seat nearest the aisle. other people will inevitably need to move past you. Also do not use the empty seat next to you as a coat stand. Its not and locker for your handbags, scarves, coats or any other paraphernalia.

STEP SEVEN:       Do not allow yourself to make any unpleasant smells, wither by eating foul smelling monster munch (what the hell do they put in beef flavour monster munch? That stuff is vile) nor should you allow your body to produce any odours. By following step one you should be able to reduce the risk of “little accidents” caused by cushion shuffling! Plus don’t turn up anywhere smelling like of tramp.

By following these simple and easy instructions you and your fellow film enthusiasts can ensure that you will spend the best two hours in a dark room with a loads of strangers without having to touch each other.

Here is a handy mnemonic type thing to carry around in your heads – or even say out loud when you spot somebody infringing these simple seven rules of cinema - for easy referral next time you go to the talkies:

BASTARD!