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The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Doctor Who: A Thoughtless Gibberish Exclusive.

So Matt Smith has given up being Doctor Who.

The question on everybody's lips is "Who will be the next man to enter the TARDIS?"

The answer can be exclusively revealed here on TG.

The new Doctor is......

Me.

That’s right. Bumferry Hogart is going to be the next Doctor.

You heard it here first (unless you follow me on twitter cos I said there first)

I’m going to be a brilliant doctor.

I’ve my sidekick lined up and everything.

Here he is….
Jim is the one on the right.



He is called Jim.

I will keep in on the end of a stick, but that wont stop him getting into all sorts of intergalactic trouble every week.

Bloody jim.

There will be a few differences on my version of the show.

First up, the TARDIS.

The TARDIS will look quite different.

Due to cut backs (because my salary is astronomical – pun intended) the special effects crew will have to work with what they can find in scrap yards…. Like they do already.

Here is the new TARDIS…

The new look TARDIS


In a change to the normal show, the new TARDIS will be smaller on the inside than it is on the outside. It has a toilet and a little oven though.

I will be insisting that the name be changed to Doctor Whom, so that it is grammatically correct.

Also, due to cut backs, all alien worlds will look exactly like a field somewhere in Shropshire and all the aliens will look like the sort of people who go caravanning.

The Daleks will have a new look and to the untrained eye might resemble a 6kg butane gas cylinder and from a distance the Cybermen will look a little bit like my postman.

Most of the episodes will involve me teaching Jim how to use a tin opener or helping him with his colouring in.

There may or many not gratuitous full frontal ham fisted acting... if you are lucky. 

I know it doesn’t sound much on paper, but trust me (and the BBC) it’ll blow your flipping socks off.


All together now:


DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DIDDLEY DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM OOO-EEE-OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO-EEE-OOOOO…..ETC.

16 comments:

  1. ' aliens will look like the sort of people who go caravanning' . . . . Well no change there then Mr H. . . . . . HAH HAHAHH HAHAH HAH hah ah ah hah ah ah ahah ah haah hah ha hahahhahah .

    Ooooo I am a bit gutted as I was hoping to be short listed but you appear to have someone short already.

    And I like that big on the outside smaller on the inside idea . . . Genius, I can see that going global.

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    Replies
    1. Sorry Rob, I just assumed you would be too busy with that nice Mr Spielberg to muck about with the cardboard sets in wet windy Wales....
      Then again, Some of your sculptures would make a nice elegant change to the set pieces. My people will speak to your people and we'll find a window.

      Delete
    2. Windows, I can help luckily I house a house full of windows they are double glazed too. I will wave to your people through the window (the round window today).

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    3. Have a house . . . . . Stupid keyboard.

      Delete
  2. Is it sad that I actually joined in with the DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DIDDLEY DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM DIDDLEY-DUM OOO-EEE-OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO-EEE-OOOOO, part? It is, isn't it?

    I will miss Matt and his pointy Catweazel-like chin but look forward to your incarnation as Doctor Whom and what appears to be a dominatrix circus midget sidekick. ;0)

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    Replies
    1. Jim looks grumpy there on that picture but he is quiet the card. I do have to keep him on the end of a rather long stick due to his "grabby hands". Nobody is perfect.

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  3. I don't know if you are a suitable choice, what with your megalomanic agenda regarding custard creams. I mean, what kind of biscuit has to rely on a layer of custard as its main gimmick? I hope you're not going to turn Dr Whom into an ongoing adverising vehicle for those creams of custard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would never degrade the humble custard by parading it around the BBC, waving like a symbol of defiance. Instead I shall be paid in Custard creams wrapped in £20 notes. (I'm not daft).

      Delete
  4. So what will your catchphrase be? We've already had Fantastic, Allons-y, and Geronimo.

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    Replies
    1. Every time Jim farts or burps I shall say "Oh Jim,that went right in my mouth!" It is a phrase I have had many years of practice with due to Mrs H and her various noises and smells. Honestly, it's like living with a female Homer Simpson at times! hahaha.

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  5. Replies
    1. If I dust off the old camcorder I might just doing something with this idea.

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  6. How have I never read your blog before?!?

    I never got into Dr Who, but if you and Jim and the new TARDIS are on next season, I am most definitely watching it.

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    Replies
    1. Nicely put Mitch. Good to have you on board.

      Delete
  7. This makes me want to play Doctor Who at home. With dollies and stuff (erm, not that I own dollies...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's no shame in that. I call dollies "action figures" but that makes it worse somehow.

      Delete

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