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Saturday, 1 June 2013

Custard creams

I love a cup of tea and I bloody love custard creams.

I like other biscuits but nothing compares to custard creams, as I think Sinaed O’Connor once sang.

Some people rave about digestive biscuits.

Not me.

It is a solid gold fact that digestives DO NOT help with digestion and therefore are liars.

Bourbon are just penguin biscuits without the chocolate, which is a con.

Nice biscuits (pronounced ‘NICE’ not ‘NICE’) are not nice. They are far too sugary.

Pink wafers shouldn’t be classed as biscuits and I’m not sure about party rings come to think about it.

Rich tea are not made from tea although rich tea fingers go rather well with a tub of Nutella.

All other biscuits are just pale imposters compared to the mighty Custard cream.

The custard cream contains all the essential minerals and vitamins needed to keep you in tip top form.

This may or may not be true.

Either way. The humble Custard is awesome and if anyone who works with in the manufacture, distribution or sale of custard creams would like to send me some. I would be grateful.

As a side note. Jammy Dodgers are just plain wrong.

Jam belongs in butties not biscuits.

That would be like having marmalade or lemon curd in a biscuit.


I’m sick of typing the word biscuit now.

As a final thought, Ginger nut biscuits are acceptable in any circumstances.

Here’th end’eth the lesson.


*This post was inspired in part by the actions of the English Defence League being bamboozled at a protest the stupid idiots.


  1. "Jammy Dodgers are just plain wrong"

    I thought you were an honourable gentleman until I read this remark. Sir, I challenge you to a duel!

    1. I scoff in your general direction. The Jammy dodger, with its little girly heart shaped middle is no match for the intricate art work of the humble Custard Cream.
      Jam, which is just squashed bits of fruit or something has no place sandwiched between two biscuits. The smooth kiss known as the centre of a custard cream is more akin to being licked on the face by an angel.
      Jammy dodgers are equal in EVERY WAY to slipping on a bit of white dog poo.
      Also - You can't dunk a JD.

      CHALLENGE ACCPETED. I shall meet you round the corner from the Withersppons, next to the poundshop. I'll be the one that looks like me.


  2. I was reading this quite happily minding my own business doing what I do and the like when I came across . . . ..

    "although rich tea fingers go rather well with a tub of Nutella."

    I thought WHAT, how have I missed this all my life, why have I not been told about such things, Is this some sort of secret everyone knows about but me. . . . . . DAMN Mr H and DAMN again neither of these ingredients are in the house so I cant try this, although I have Sunpat Crunchy Peanut Butter to hand (I cant be doing with all that so called healthy peanut butter it sticks your mouth together). maybe I try some on a few chocolate chip cookies.

    As for Jammy Dogers, quite agree dead girlie . . I will cheer you on from a discrete distance behind

    1. I knew I could count on you Rob. You are a good egg.

  3. How can you possibly dispute the biscuit authenticity of the Jammie Dodger, for a biscuit with a somewhat filigree design and which is enjoyed by 90 year old women up and down the country, who have no teeth?

    Although I do like a custard cream now and again, I shall not stand by whilst you disrespect a biscuit that contains at least 3 of our 5 a day and comes in a variety of flavours.

    I shall be championing Addman on this occasion. Good day to you sir! :)

    1. You can champion who you like Lily, but don't come crawling back to me with your tail between your legs when I am victorious.... ah who am I kidding, I wouldn't turn you away. Just be careful what you say around here. :)

    2. Myself and Lily are forming the Biscuit Defence League. If you want to join, we need to see a video of you eating a whole packet of jammie dodgers.

  4. Lemon Curd in a biscuit actually sounds quite nice or is it NICE?

    I agree about Jammy Dodgers....its not right to be eating someone's contorted bloody face!? And their target market is kids??

    1. Come to think about it I'm sure there is a lemon biscuit out there somewhere. Probably in the vegan isle or maybe a specialist shop of some kind.
      Looks like it's two all for the jammy dodger v's Custard cream debate. Maybe I can string this one for a bit... not that I'm getting desperate for subjects or anything. hahahahahaha
      PS- thanks for letting me win your photo caption comp. I am genuinely happy at this! :O)

  5. I think we should make the point that CUSTARD CREAM sounds honest and true the sort of thing one shouts as you charge into battle; where Jammy Dodger is the sort of thing one whispers behind the bike sheds at school and everyone sniggers.

    1. Quite right Rob Z. You tell 'em. bunch of heathens.

  6. Custard Creams were a favourite of Lionel in As Time Goes By, otherwise I have never heard of either them or Jammy Dodgers so I must decline to take sides in this duel. I m assuming they are something which has come on the market since I emigrated. I have definitely had cookies sorry biscuits, with lemon curd somewhere, don't remember where or when.


    1. You should consider yourself one of the lucky ones Jo. Imagine if you will, that some crazy wild eyed evil scientist somehow created a machine that took all the horrible worlds of the world and made them into a sticky overly sweet, tooth rotting mush and then ham fistedly shoved it into a bland undercooked biscuit.
      That is a jammy dodger.
      You can't dunk them - therefore you can't enjoy them.
      Unlike the Oreo you can't split them in two halves and enjoy the middle.... even if you could - you wouldn't enjoy the middle because it's jam. actual jam. It's a sick world we live in.

    2. Lionel Richie eats Custard Creams well that's it then, that makes them super cool.

    3. Anything that sounds even close to a fact is a fact in my book.

  7. jaffa's (not to be mistaken as jaffar's), are the best...so there :P

    1. I do love Jaffa cakes but they are cakes and should never appear on the same plate as biscuits.
      With that in mind, Jaffa cakes should be kept in the fridge.

      I think there is a lot learning needed to be done around here.

      "Where's my learning stick... the one with the big rusty nail on the end?"


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