About Me

My photo
The words are all mine, most of the pictures are not. Some of the words are not mine either.

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Talking - How To Get Out Of It

A big part of my job involves talking to people and as we all know People are idiots.

One such moron came into reception today.

Do you remember me?” They shouted at me as they walked through the door.

Now before you read my reply to this question it is important to understand that this is asked of me at least once a week by any number of faceless twonks without warning.

The following is my exact answer word for word.


This response has been careful designed to ensure that the question asker is clear that they have asked a stupid question to which the only answer is one that is presented in the negative unless it is asked by somebody who I know rather well and would not be asked in any case as I WOULD KNOW THEM ALREADY.

Instead, I am presented with the following:

Well I remember you.”*

This is a non-descript comment that does not require any reply as far as I am concerned. Upon hearing something like this I usually await until they have something to say that has the possibility of them giving me money.

I usually have to wait a bit longer.

“I came here last year.” It appears the fool in question wishes to continue this line of remembrance a while longer.

My reply is thus: “That will be why I don’t remember you then.”

You think I am being harsh or rude. I am not. I am, in fact, learning them good.

The Bumferry Hogart School of Learning Them Good (BHSoLTG) is available to everyone who wants to do away with useless small talk, pointless questions, small talk and any other type of communication that is not helpful, profitable or educational in any way shape or form.

The point of talking is to share information. This can lead to fulfilling relationships of a professional and/or personal nature.

Talk of weather (including but not exclusive to the direction of the wind, how the temperature has changed slightly from a couple of hours ago) traffic on a road that neither of those involved in the conversation are currently on, the cost of a particular item for sale in a shop you are not in or plan to go to (regardless of whether the item in question is something you plan to buy or not) can all be stopped, changed or avoided all together with the lessons of the BHSoLTG.

Lessons are provided over the internet, reducing the need to “make friends” with fellow course takers for the reasonable price of £ per lesson (minimum required lessons depend on individual requirements but it is recommended that students take a minimum of 12 lessons).

Cash is preferred, but seeing as how that would mean meeting in person, cheque, postal order, or principal naming in your will are all acceptable methods of payment.

Your time is precious and can not be wasted on small talk with people who put the strange into stranger.
It is estimated that the average person spends over 30% of their day trying to get out of conversations they have no intention of remembering.

Get that time back AND your life by signing up in the box below.

What is the worst that can happen?

By the way, did you see the match last night? How about that local sports team?

*this conversation actually happened. the man in question had been to the site ONCE before over a year ago and stayed for ONE NIGHT. I did not remember him because it just so happened that I was not on duty that day. I had not met this man before even though he insisted that we had. - proof of idiocy.


  1. Hello Mr H I bet you remember me I was here yesterday saying what a nice chap you are and what an excellent job of S you made, it was SUPER . . . . . HAH HAH HAH H HAHH AH HAH AH HAH AHHAH AHAHA.

    OK I was planning to write more but a nice woman in India has kept me talking from the IT dept of the Windows operating system who has told me my computer is infected by bad spelling and an unsociable qwerty keyboard which hates me. Well I cant disagree with that . . ..Sadly she hung up when I told her the wind was light and in a westerly direction with a bit of cloud but in general it was a lovely day...

    I demand a refund. . . .

    1. I don't have a home phone so never get the pleasure of scam calls, although our business line gets inundated with PPI claim adverts. I like to wait until I get put through to a human and just asking them where me money is. They want to know my bank details and the like but I keep telling that THE know where my money is and just to send me half of what ever they have found and they can keep the rest.
      One day this WILL work.

    2. If it does let me know I will try it too then

  2. You won't remember me at all.

    But someone who calls eejits, twonks deserves a second visit (in my eyes).

    See ye soon.

    1. Well hello to Scots lass. It is a pleasure to have you here. I have read your blog and your 100 things about me. I must say 19 and 71 are my faves!(god I hope I've got those numbers right) hahahaha.

  3. Do you also deal with those arsey people that say things like:

    Arsey person: Where are you from?

    Random Stranger: Manchester.

    Arsey person: Ooh my cousin John lives there. You might know him.

    Random and now quite frankly, pissed off Stranger: Yes, because I know every bugger that lives in Manchester.


How did this get here?