Hey. . .
Firstly I would like to take this opportunity to apologise
for not blogging (is it blogging? That sounds kind of rude) posting – smearing
my terrible brain trumps all over this little corner of the internet for a
while.
I try to produce at least one thing for people to ignore per week, otherwise whats the point?
The thing is... I’ve had to do some real life grown up
stuff.
Proper grown up.
I am in the process of selling my house..moving into another
house (can't stay in the luxury of this caravan for ever) while at the same
time attempting to resolve “administration issues” with one the UK’s largest
banking institutions.
I don’t keep a diary. I couldn’t care less reading about
what I had for tea 6 years ago or how being dumped by that girl who had Paralytic strabismus made me write some of the
worst poetry EVER (it really is hard to rhyme Paralytic strabismus – abacus works at a pinch
but how do you make work?!?!? .. . .the bitch)
Anyway... if I did keep a diary the last week of my life
would have read something like this:
(Cue wibble wobble effect to show the passage of going back
in time)
"Pure Ambrosia in a plastic tray" |
MONDAY
Got back home around 8pm.
Dog walked and pizza for tea. Looking forward to getting all
the decorating done. I’ve missed being home. It’s been ages.
Told Mrs B I wanted to have a proper chippy tea at some
point in the week. Can’t wait!
TUESDAY
Got up nice an early and made a start. Made a fry up for
breakfast. It was good.
Took dog for a walk.
Told next doors kids to get off the wall. They are just as
ugly as I remembered.
Bought a new toilet seat and fixed up a treat. How manly am I?!?!
Cleaned the bathroom to professional standards, including
under the loo behind the sink.
Discovered some damp at the bottom of the stairs. That needs
looking into.
Chicken and salad for tea.
WEDNESDAY
Continued the manly work by cutting up some plaster board
and measuring it by using my Jedi powers.
Told next doors kids to get off the wall – again.
Salad and crusty bread for tea.
Need to buy more plaster board.
THURSDAY
Received a letter claiming I owe £349.
I don’t.
This should have sorted by the bank. Shithousebastards!!!!!
Will ring them when I get back to the caravan on Monday.
Going out with the boys tonight. Will be good to catch up. Shame
Dave is going to be there. I hate Dave.
Will eat some tea when I’m out with the lads.
Threw a small stone at next doors cat because it was on my
wall. I think it hit one of the ugly kids.
FRIDAY.
Hung-over.
Mrs H has gone out drinking with the girls and it’s
not even 11am. The tall one out of McFly has come round to value the house.
Little oik spent all of 5 minutes peeking his under aged
head in each room and then had the cheek to tell he could sell the house for
much less than I paid for it.
I told him, I said “just ‘cos you’ve got little soft hairs
round your mouth, doesn’t mean you should talk like a cunt!”
I didn’t say that. But I wish I had.
Told next doors kids to “GET THE FUCK OFF MY FUCKING WALL
YOU FUCKING STUPID LITTLE FUCKING FUCKS!” or words to that effect. can't a guy masterbate furiously at his kitchen window in peace in more!?!?! It's health and saftey gone MAD!
Mrs H came home drunk and demanded I ordered a kebab.
Kebabs for tea.
SATURDAY
Going home to the caravan.
I've spent all my comic book money on boiler repairs and damp proofing or what ever its bloody called. it's shit being grown up. nobody ever told about this side of life. i thought it was all boozy nights out and touching up slags. rubbish!
I hate them kids next door as well. little punks.
Forgot to have a chippy tea.
Shit!
"SOLD" |
(Wiping tears of laughter from eyes and spittle off computer screen due to laughing)
ReplyDeleteIf you wrote a diary blog, I would still follow you... though not in a stalking/in need of a restraining order kinda way...