Every one of us, at some point in our lives, has had the
misfortune of having to make a phone call to the dreaded customer service
department.
SHOUTING MAKES THINGS HAPPEN!!! |
These soulless third rate keyboard monkeys purposefully
leave us hold for what seems like hours on end and are the most unhelpful scum
in the world.
Or are they.
In my previous live I was employed by an insurance company
to answer the phones on a range of subjects relating to their policies. These
included matters relating to pensions, tax free savings and life insurance.
In the 5 years I spent sat behind a desk, hidden away in my
little cubical, staring at computer screen and wondering how much radiation was
flooding into my brain via my eyes, I witnessed some of the most selfish,
depraved and childish aspects of human nature.
My love for life and the future of our race as a whole
slowly but surely evaporated with each and every call I took and has left me as
the broken man who is typing these words you are reading now.
Of the thousands of calls I had to endure, some of them
stick out in my mind.
The follow list contains genuine examples of conversations
that were forever recorded in “THE CRYSTAL BALL!”
The CRYSTAL BALL was nothing short of a piece of paper that
members of the team would write down the strange, idiotic and downright weird
requests and statements that our beloved customers just had to make.
The full list contains over 150 differing examples of mind
numbingly stupid brain farts made by members of the public, but here I submit
just a small sample of what the general public believed were relevant and
important questions to ask.
To get the most out this list imagine that each line
containing the word CUSTOMER (C) is being screamed at you in one ear, and where
it says ADVISOR (A) all self respect has been vanquished from you soul.
CUSTOMER: Can you transfer me to the motor department?
The number one doesn’t work on my phone.
C: Where it says date of birth, what do I write?
C: Why do you not have an office in Australia?
C: “I just want to query this letter you sent...
ADVISOR: Did you receive the
letter today?
C: No . . . 1989”
C: The last time I looked at this piece of paper
it had two numbers on it, now it only has one. Why is this?
C:
Are you still open?
C: Why do you want a urine sample through the post?
While helping a customer complete a life claim form...
Me - “can you tell me the date of death of your husband?”
Customer” um... (Off the phone) Karen... KAREN... *pause*
when did your dad die?.... (long pause)... well, check on the fridge. . .*small
pause* . . . yes, it was last Tuesday.”
C: I can’t
hear you I’m deaf.
C: My mum is
dead. Where is she?
C: Can you
make my cheque take longer to get to me, I don’t want it yet.
C: I have
just found out I’m going deaf, so I will have to shout.
C: What
number have I dialled?
C: What does
as soon as possible mean?
C: How busy
will your phone lines be tomorrow?
C: I have to
unroll this elastic band and I’m not very good with my legs...will hang on?
C: What
happens if there is another 9/11 next year.
C: I want my
life policy payable to my dog Jacko!”
C: Why is my
bonus in 1997 less than in 2007?
A: Because
you get more bonuses each year.
C: So why
was it less in 1997?
A: Because
you get MORE bonuses every year.
A: What is
your house number?
C: I live
in a bungalow.
C: Are you
real?
C: Zeros
confuse me
C: I want to
change my address with you, but I don’t know where I’m moving too.
C: I’ve just
had an HIV test and it came back negative. How will this affect my savings
account?
C: Why am I
getting other people post, it’s not even my address?
A: What is
the date of death?
C: I don’t
know... would that be on the birth certificate.
A: I need to
speak to your husband for authorisation....
C: But. . . he’s
blind!
C: Have you
received my cheque?
A: Which
department did you address it to so I can check?
C: I didn’t,
I just putthe cheque in the postbox and thought it would get to you!
C: Do you
have MY death certificate? I can’t find it.
C: My
husband was brutally murdered in November, can I take a payment holiday on my
pension.
C: I’ve just
given some money to a man. Was he one of yours?
C: I have a
statement that says January 2005 to December 2005 – that’s the wrong way round!
C: How do I
put money into a bank account?
But the winner of all of these idiotic murmurings has to go
to the follow example of pure human stupidity...
CUSTOMER: Where do I send my claim form into?
ADVISOR: Head office.
CUSTOMER: Which floor?
ADVISOR: 6th floor.
CUSTOMER: Oh, that’s where I work!!!!!!
So, the next time you ring a help desk, or a call centre,
spare a thought for the sad and lonely people who have to sit and listen to the
likes of you prattling on about your stupid little problems.
The first time you
have had to ring customer services in about three years is the EXACT time you
should lose your rag and go absolutely mental down to the phone to a person you
didn’t catch the name of, you have no idea what kind of day THEY are having and
you have just confirmed the full details of your home address bank account to
them.
"I'M GOING TO WRITE TO THE FINANCIAL "BUS-MAN" ABOUT YOU!" |
It’s not like they haven’t heard it all before.
If you ask me, that sounds like the most entertaining job out there. I'd love to listen to retarded people all day long! :)
ReplyDeleteWell after my last post, it looks like I'm up there on the list with the mind numbingly stupid brain farts...yeah, go me! At last, I belong!
ReplyDeleteSarah, it was a fantastic job. really set me up for a life surrounded by mind freaks and loonies. only problem now is that i have to deal with them face to face and on some days witness them shuffling from their caravans to the showers block in the dressing gowns like wrinkly grey zombies. puts you off life!
ReplyDeleteHaha, lily, your post did inspire me to get off my lazy ass and print this off. been meaning to do something with it for years (yes years!) and using as a training aid in work was one of the many reasons i am not longer employed by this company.
ReplyDeleteWell time does fly Mr H just think all those folk in those call centres are all in India now sitting in the sun and calling us up still from time to time saying they are Clive from the Windows Operating System. . . . .
ReplyDeleteI think it is only a matter of time before all call centres are replaced with robots called Clive using the Windows Operating System which at least will allow the public to phone them up and tell them they have a problem.
I only reposted it because of a thing on the BBC news about customer call to councils.
DeleteI have moved away from windows almost completely now.
My new Chromebook is very cool indeed!
Oh my lord, that list still makes me bloody laugh out loud! Glad you reposted this Mr H.
ReplyDeleteNothing beats reliving your worst nightmares. Glad you enjoyed. hahaha
Delete