Quiz Of The Year 2013

By now we should all have gotten over the Christmas period, trees should be in the loft (or bin) bottles should be recycled and the news should be full of public sector workers threatening to go on strike because there isn’t a bank holiday due for a few weeks.

New years resolutions will either be a distant memory or not even thought up yet and nobody in the world can stomach the thought of turkey sandwiches for at least another six weeks.

So as the nights slowly begin to get a little less dark and none of us can afford to go out and have fun because we still paying off xmas, let’s have a little game!

I present to you all – Bumferry Hogarts Quiz of the year.

Question one: How much longer can that online insurance company drag out the very weak gag of sounding a little bit little an animal and using a puppet with a Russian accent on its adverts?

Question two: Why are my keys never where I left them?

Question three: Is that you, or does the dog need to go outside?

Question four: How are you feeling?

Question five: How do you spell Constantinople?

Question five: If Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers, Where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

Question six: Has anybody heard from Alan Tichmarsh recently… or at least since all this business about Jimmy Savile got serious?

Question seven: Do you like butter?

Question eight: How many questions is this now?

Question nine: Name this song… doo de doo de dooooooo. Do de dum de deeedoooooo….

Question ten: Why are there two question fives?

Don’t forget to write your answers on the back of your hand and send to the usual address.

The winner will receive a load of Christmas cards* ready for next years festivities.

*cards may be slightly used and have some names scribbled out.

The Bumferry Hogart Census Form 2012

Today (or whenever it is you are reading this) sees the very first ever Internet based Census for this here blog.

In order to accurately engage view you, my dear readers, I feel the need is there to find out exactly what makes you - you.

The following nine questions have been scientifically designed with some really complicated algorithms by some right clever bods. It took them nearly all day using that graph papaer and different colour pens and and protractor (I haven't sued one of them in YEARS!!)

Anyway, Here it is. pop your answers in the box at the bottom and remember there are NO WRONG ANSWERS* Good luck.

*there are some wrong answers which will result in minus points and a forfit.

Question one (gender):

What are you:

A: A man

B: A Womb-man?

C: Miscellaneous

Question two (age):

When you bend down to take your socks off do you:

A: Whip them off and leave them where they lie.

B: make a strange “hoof” type noise and require a couple of goes to get them both off.

C: Get the dog to do it

D: Don’t wear socks because you are some kind of vegan or something?

Question three (employment):

What is your work status:

A: I am a third rate keyboard monkey, working for the man.

B: Self employed (spending most of your time fiddling the books so you don’t have to pay tax)

C: a stay at home mum (probably doing drugs and drink watching Jeremy Kyle and/or spending most of your day taking part in radio phone ins)

D: One of those ungrateful lottery winners (you bastard

Question four (family):

How many people live in your home:

A: Just me, I’m so lonely and unwanted.

B: My house is full of snot nosed little brats who won’t stop asking “Why?” and eating crayons …

C: I live with my parents because I’m some osrt of bum.

D: I sleep under the stars. Wandering these dark streets righting wrongs and stopping evil wherever it festers.

Question five (pets)

Do you have any of the following:

A: Dog

B: Cat

C: Fish

D: Tamogotchi

E: Other.

F: None the local authority won’t allow me to keep any livestock since those pigs I kept in the kitchen ate Mrs Grimshaws corpse.

Question six:

If you were offered £10,000,000 for one of your limbs which one would you happily loose?

A: left arm

B: right arm

C: Left leg

D: Right leg

E: Take what you want, Them’s better terms than Wonga.com.

Question seven:

What are you wearing right now?

A: A corporate suit and tie, just like “the man”

B: A gimp mask and a whole pot of chunky marmalade.

C: Just my pants and top.

D: Nothing, Clothes are the emotional barriers set upon by the government to dictate what gender specific roles we must adhere to until the arrival of their alien overlords who will pick us off one by one and eat our brains or whatever.

Question eight:

To be or not to be….

A: to be

B: Not to be.

Question nine:

If you awoke suddenly and found yourself in a coffin with another human being which would you prefer?

A: The re-animated corpse of Jimmy Savile?

B: A sexually enraged Sean Connery?

C: Either one of Jedward screaming like a fucking banshee?

D: Little Jimmy Krankie doing a poo?

Once you have your answers please post them below with a valid explanation/ excuse explaining why you did "that thing that time".