Norman Osborne (that is his name isn’t it?) has today been
asked to stand up and give a talk entitled
“What I did on my holidays”
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| The chancellor of the exchequer. |
Through this speech he told everyone just how poor they will
be in the coming year and just how much debt the country will be in for the
next blah blah blah.
Its all a bit boring really, and with that in mind I hereby
offer to you my own version of the UK budget for your approval.
Taxation: Increase of overseas taxes will rise to, oh I don’t know. Lets
say 23.4% by taxing any and all rainfall that originated in Europe. This will
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| comfortable and a snack! |
EXPORTS: crisp packets found on the street will be wiped
clean with a cloth and rebranded as Funky sleeping bags for Scandinavian midgets
and dwarfs. I reckon we can get around a fiver for each one.
Ash and burnt wood from last years riots will be collected
and sold to American tourists for £45 a pop.
IMPORTS: The UK will start to make its own weather by
building more wind farms. But we will have them pointing out. That way all the
smog can go to France and we should be able to blow away all that cold air from
Norway.
ECONOMY: Another round of fiscal funding will be supported
by this government by asking each household to root down the back of the sofa
and sending in whatever currency they find. This should produce an estimated
figure in the region of £3.23 - £9,655,011.11 per household.
Footballers and anyone else who spits in public and is
caught on camera will be fined £10,000 per gob.
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| Woo-Hoo! 20p Bitch!!! |
IT been calculated that this act alone will reduce the UK’s
debt by half before the end of the season.
JOBS and WELFARE: 45 thousand part time and full time opportunities
will be created within the welfare system at a cost of £200 million to provide
a helpful “there, there” to those who have found their welfare benefits cut. The
total of benefits cuts will total around £200 million plus costs of setting up
the new “There-There” recruitment scheme.
NHS: the Nation Health Service will be sold off to the
highest bidder. The cost of Beds will start at £500 each, those tall metal
stands that stand by the side of the bed should fetch a few quid as well
because they sell something similar at IKEA and that stuff costs a bloody
fortune.
OLYMPICS: a letter of apology will be issued to each tax
payer when it becomes clear we have completely buggered it up and won naff all.
Unless we do win loads of medals, in which case, we will be expecting a
handwritten letter from the daily mail.
FUEL: Cars and motorbikes must not be driven over buses or
through burning hoops of fire.
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| All this could be yours!!!! |
ROADS: every road user will be issued with the responsibility
of caring for and the upkeep of one mile of road. Litter potholes and the
general upkeep of each bit of road will be the legal responsibility of each
person and failure to maintain ones bit of road will result in a dirty look
from somebody’s mum. This will reduce the cost and responsibility by the
government and save bucket loads.
Any extra money collected by the government will be used to
buy a load of scratch cards in a effort to help reduce the lost money given to
the banks.
Finally, all crime will be outlawed and being naughty will be frowned
upon.
Other things will be changed but they are far to boring to go into detail right now. If theres anything else you would like to tax or change just pop in the box below and consider it done.
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| Yup! That should keep 'em on their toes for another four years. |