Cpt America: Civil War. A 6 out of 10 review

Followers of this blog will know that every time I watch a film I have to give a score of 6 out of 10.

The reason for this is that any film maker that sees a review of their film that is higher (or indeed lower) will either not bother making any more films as they think they are not good enough or they will think that they have reached the pinnacle of their carer and not bother to make any more brilliant films.

This can make it a tad difficult to rate a bad film good or and good film ... not as good as it actually was.

With that in mind here is my SPOILER FREE review of Captain America: Civil War.

Not long after I began to collect comics a major event happened in the Marvel Universe.

It was called CIVIL WAR and revolved around an accident by some lesser heroes that got everyone in trouble and required all heroes to register their real identities in order to be accountable for the damage they caused during their many many fight with baddies and the like.

The resulting story line saw heroes pitted against each other as some fought to keep their names a secret to protect loved ones whilst others believed that doing what you want when you want without any supervision was fool hardy and not in the interest of the greater good.

Heores died. Giant man being one and even Captain America himself did not make it out alive.

The film which shares it's name is different in many respects.

There is still the requirement for superheroes to step up and be accountable for their actions and subdued to only act when advised. This, along with [redacted for spoilers]  causes Cap and some others to take a stand and fight against former friends and colleagues including Ironman.

The film plays to this stand off extremely well and brings in some characters from other films to highlight that the many films we have been spoilt with so far are all connected.

There are moments of real tension, humour is subtle but works in nearly all cases and the fight scenes are mainly fantastic.

This film is going to be a huge success and for all the right reasons.

It has form - Previous films building up to this are of a high standard and flow into this latest outing perfectly.

It stays true to the Marvel way - Film goers know these characters well and there is very little or no need to hold the audiences hand and explain every little detail.

There are moments of real tension that come from nowhere and made me gasp out loud.

It is far superior to the mess that was Batman v Superman.

It does however fail in one or two small areas.

It's a little nag of mine but I have never been happy with the way that the special effects for Ironman are done when Tony Stark take off his helmet.

It's a bit messy and obvious to a nerd like me that it's all "computery" and CGI... I can live with it, but it is an oversight that could be done better.

There are also one or two lose ends that are not really dealt with by the end of the film, but I am willing to admit that my concentration was shifted once or twice as by the psychopathic fat pig in the row in front who threatened my friend (a long story that doesn't need going into here) and by the millennials (with their hair done that way that all teenagers have it and skinny jeans) sat next to me who found impossible to sit still for more that five minutes without talking and rustling their bags of popcorn.

Overall the film was great and well worth another viewing.

It also left this viewer wanting more and seems to promise that this story is not over as there WILL be scores to settle.

For these reasons I feel it is only fair to give this film a six out of ten rating.

Deadpool The Movie: a six out of ten review

A SPOILER FREE REVIEW.

Last night I went to the cinema to watch the latest superhero movie DEADPOOL.

For those that don't know, Deadpool is a character from Marvel Comics, the people who brought us Ironman, Captain America, Hulk etc but is not currently owned by Marvel and can not appear in their movie or TV line up.

Instead, the movie rights to Deadpool is owned by 20th Century Fox, the people who make the X-men films.

Cheeky!

Deadpool is a mutant, much like the heroes of the X-men universe, but is not a member of the X-men.

He was... for a bit... in the comics, but is currently now part of the Avengers, working with Captain America and other. Although they do not exist in the same cinematic universe.

He was also, so it is said, a complete rip off of the DC comic book character Deathstroke, which is where Superman and Batman come from.

See! toooootaly different....

DC and Marvel are very much the two big players in the name of comic books.

Confused?

You will be.

The thing about DP is that he is not your everyday hero. He is in fact a villain. Or rather an anti hero.

He is known as "The Merc with a Mouth" and spends most of his time fighting for whoever is willing to pay him the most money.

He entered the world of comics trying to kill Cable, the son of Cyclops and a clone of Jean Grey who had been taken to the distant future as a baby to escape the threat of death and had travelled back in time as a man in order to save the world.

Still confused?.... There's more.

Deadpool is one of the very few characters that actually knows he is in a comic and regularly breaks the fourth wall and speaks to the reader whilst the other heroes stand around wondering if our protagonist is having a breakdown.

And to this, his unhealthy love for Bea Arthur, Chimichangas and irregular pop culture references and you have, what should be, the most ridiculous basis for a movie.

"Thankyou for being a friend..."

On to the film.

The Deadpool movie is a film made for the fans, and in a way, by fans. 

Ryan Reynolds is a huge fan of the character and takes on the role with gusto.

The film contains a lot of swearing, violence - including decapitation/self mutilation/ broken limbs/ exploding heads/ severed body parts/ more broken limbs as well as sexual experimentation, ladies breasts, a burnt penis, more violence and "creative use of the English language", more boobs and blood and guts and swearing and masturbating with a fluffy unicorn (no, that's not a euphemism).

If the above list counts towards your five-a-day in visual entertainment, then this film is right up your street.

There are lots of in jokes, jibes at other films and does a reasonable attempt to subvert the atrocities of the last time we saw Deadpool appear in a movie (X-men Origins).

Nope! Never happened... I can't see this....

You don't really need to see any of the X-men films from the past to fully understand this film, but there are more than a few gags aimed squarely at their expense and it would be no real surprise to hear that not even Hugh Jackman gets away without being poked fun at.

Over all this movie was a hoot!

But long time readers will know that all my reviews have to be rated at 6/10.

The reason for this is ensure that movie makers don't feel that they have reached the pinnacle of their career with a 10/10 and then don't feel they have to bother making anything of any worth after that.

A 6/10 rating ensures that films continue to grow and entertain us all for many years to come.

This film receives the coveted 6/10 rating due to the following facts:

1) We booked a table at a restaurant before the film and waited over one and a half hours before I got fed up and walked out... hungry!

2) Being hungry, I had to fill up with popcorn... and popcorn is bloody awful.

3) There are people who visit the cinema in the 21st century who still do not have full control of their bladders. 
Getting up 20 minutes into a film that is 2 hours long in order to go and do pee-pee should be made a criminal offence.
I want to watch the film NOT THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD BOBBING UP AND DOWN!!!!
4) The woman sat three rows in front of me and two seats to the left was laughing like a fucking idiot ALL-THE-WAY-THROUGH.
This film is funny but it does not need the type of hysterics I witnessed last night.
It was as if this woman had never seen an action comedy before. 
She is probably the kind of moron who enjoys watching Big Momma's House or Eddie Murphy films where he has to play every character because nobody in Hollywood wants to be associated with him.

Punching a zombified Abraham Lincoln...because - comics.

Each of these reasons have caused a great film to drop a point.

I will leave it to your good selves to reallocate points as you see fit and then you can decide if you should see this film...... which you should.

EDIT: If you do go to see this film - remember to stay until the very VERY end as there is an extra special scene at the end....!

Xmen: DoFP a Six out of Ten review

This week I took Mrs H to watch that new comic book film Days Of Future Past.

This is the latest in a series of films containing HUGE Jackman, who plays the part of Woverine and his friends the other mutants.

Muscles.... Just lumps of fat waiting to happen.

The plot of this film is that all the other films that came before make very little sense and have screwed up any chance of a continuing series of films to be made as most of the well known characters such as Cyclops, Jean Grey and Prof Xavier have been killed off already.

With this in mind the director wanted to re-boot the films but without starting all over again and so time travel was shoe horned as a tool to restart the whole thing off again.

Unfortunately, this meant the writers still had to ignore the fact that some things were never going to make sense regardless of what they did.

Such things things as Prof Xavier (Cpt Picard to the rest of us) was dead, but managed to bring himself back alive without telling anyone and Future Wolverine having his metallic claws back after he had lost them in  fight in the previous Wolverine movie.

The audience is asked to suspend their disbelief as well as their knowledge of the previous films whilst trying to find a seat carrying a massive bag of sugary pop corn and a gallon of piss weak pop.

The film itself ends after about 35-55 minute mark when the thing that Wolverine was sent back in time to do is done and he really has nothing else to do in the film but stand around and snarl a bit.

Honestly - The film could have ended after a hour but it didn't.

Wolverine is tasked to stop a blue lady with no vest on from shooting that little fella off of game of thrones, which he does. 

That's it. That's all he has to do and he does it.

Beyond this, the time travelling mutant has nothing and no influence on anything that happens and even spends the last ten minutes of the climatic ending in a river drowning while everyone else dusts themselves down and just walks off.

That actually happens.

OFSTED were not happy with the state of the school dinners.

I could go into a lot of details about how we see HUGE Jackmans bottom, which Mrs H (and from G+ I also know Miss Lily enjoyed as well) or that the fact that most men tried their hardest to spot Jennifer Lawrence's bottom on screen as well, as this seemed to be the most interesting thing to do in a movie that 80% filler.

There were some really good bits in the film. The visions of the future were potentially interesting and could/should have been looked at more. Instead we were offered a badly drawn President Nixon and some wishy washy story about how JFK was a mutant. We saw nothing about the huge stories that had occurred between FIRST CLASS and this film such as: How was Magneto (master of magnatism) captured and impisoned?, or what happened to the surviving members of the Xmen from FIRST CLASS? and why did the school for gifted youngsters (the place dirty mutants live in peace) fall to bits?

These - and many more questions were waved away with one liners or pithy remarks and were were left with strange nods to characters that have been explored to death in previous films like General Stryker (a baddie who makes Wolverine into a weapon...) and so on and so forth.

However, the film is not a bad film. There are some good moments. As I said earlier, the parts of the film in the future are very good I just wish there was more of that, but seeing as how Wolvie stopped that future from ever happening, we will never get the chance to witness the events of a corrupted world free of mutants take place.

This filmdoes have the completely unnecessary usage of HUGE Jackmans bottom and lack of Jennifer Lawrence's Bottom in a clear shot for me to ogle at, which is forgivable but why should women get all the cheap thrills?

Why?

This film receives a Six out Ten rating for one simple fact.

Beyond all the plot holes, weird time wasting waffle and stupid nonsensical effects of time travel (whereby the future continues to exist until the time traveller wakes up?!?!?!!?) there is one very straight forward "easter egg" that they monumentally screwed up.

In the previous X-Men Film FIRST CLASS, Wolverine makes a cameo appearance and utters the line "Go fuck yourself!" when asked to join in on all the fun.

This movie goes out of its way to force the viewer to remember THAT little nod to other films and makes a point of rehashing it for another go.... BUT THEY DO IT WRONG!

When Professor X starts to remember his previous meeting with Wolverine he says something along the lines of "I remember you. I remember what you told me... so let me return the favour. FUCK OFF!"

Now, that is not what was said and it didn't go like that.

The writers of this film did not watch the last one at all and got it all arse about face. For that reason and that reason alone 6.

6 is what you get and not a single digit more.

idiots.

Die Hardly: 6 Out Of 10 Review

Mrs H came home the other and told me that she has been trying to explain why I give 6 out of 10 for my film reviews.

This was asked by a person named Sam.

I do know, and have not bothered to ask, whether Sam is a boy or a girl. The fact is that this “so-called-person” is probably the kind of fool that thinks it is absolutely fine to read a review of a film… say Die Hard, that gives 8 or even 9 out of ten willy nilly.

When ever a film reviewer starts throwing around 8 and 9’s (I once saw a review of 10/10 which is impossible) like Poundland confetti then where is the encouragement for those involved in that film to try harder?

Why should anybody make another film ever again if perfection has already been achieved?

They wouldn't.

This is why films… ALL FILMS are given a healthy rating of 6 out of 10 here on Thoughtless Gibberish.

A six is a nice round number that allows for improvement whilst at the same time highlighting errors, not just in the film itself, but the whole film watching experience.

You wouldn’t buy a computer that gave 10 out 10 for how good the mouse feels in your hand only to find that the keyboard doesn’t have a space bar or the monitor is only available in black and white!

The whole film experience needs to be taken into account.

The following are a few common reasons why the latest films drop points:

- Stupid plots that make no sense. (butterfly effect/Prometheus)

Any film that has been rebooted within the life time of a may fly (spiderman/batman/total recall/Robocop/Judge Dredd etc)

- Unattentive editing that means there is a whole section of the film that makes no sense (see also: any with Damon Lindelof’s name attached to it)

- Damon Lindelof – the man should not be allowed any script or piece of paper with words on it EVER.

- Naff special effects (Man of Steel fight scenes/ Marvel The Avengers fight Scenes)

Sometimes though, the film is awesome beyond belief and comes close to being a 10/10.

That’s when these little gems come into play.

- Other people in the cinema.

- Biting into a piece of popcorn only to find out that it is actually a solidified piece of sugar that rots your teeth, before you have a chance to flick into your partners bag of popcorn without them noticing.

- Mobile phones (turn it off before I turf you out!)

- Needing a wee half way a film that is 40 minutes longer than it needs to be. (curse you bladder)

- Anything in 3D (pointless special effects of things moving toward the screen for no reason other than to remind you that you paid an extra £3 for this shite)

This list is not excessive nor is it the entire reasons for a film loosing points, but highlights some of the reasons why no film in existence deserves more than 6 points out of 10.

Some films come close and it is hard to reduce their score. Others have to really work hard in order for me to give then a decent score of six.

Either way, 6 is the magic number.

As an example here is why Die Hard gets 6/10.

Die Hard is no longer available in the cinema and can now only be watched on DVD or when ever ITV decide to show it.

This is the first reason points are knocked off.

Die hard is a Christmas film. 
It is set during the Christmas period but ITV (in their infinite wisdom) only ever show at easter. It’s their way of being ironic.

It fails.

They also cut out the best bits.. like the swearing and all the blood.

The film is chock full of quotable lines from “Yippie Kia-ay..mother flipper” and “walking with your shoes and your socks off and make fists with your toes” these are ingrained into any cool kids psyche and therefore become un-cool whenever someone starts to quote them at you.

Alan Rickman is awesome in the film, but for years all Americans believed that English people spoke with German accents.

Holly’s hair! Oh Em Gee!

It is also worth pointing out that this film gets knocked points off because in the process of writing this I found out that I have bought the bloody thing TWICE on blu-ray.

Die Hard is an excellent film. One of the best, but because people kept giving it 8 and 9 out of 10, we got sequels  Some better than others but overall not as good as the original: die harder, Die Hard with some vengeance (what now??) Die Hard 4.0 (again what the why now??) and now there is a die hard 5 – a film I have not seen yet but no doubt will be fucking awful because that’s what happens.

I love Die Hard

but it still only gets 6 out of ten.

Man of Steel - A Reiew

The other day I went a watched The Man of Steel which is the latest version of the Superman franchise.

What I saw deserves it’s 6/10 rating.

From here on in there are spoilers – if you want to watch the film and find out for your self STOP READING NOW.

For everyone else who has already seen it, or is too tight fisted to pay the admission fee, read on.

Henry Cavill is the latest chap to play the iconic role of Superman. For what is possibly the most boring of all superheroes he does a decent job of keeping the audience interested.

The story of Man of Steel is a re-boot of the origins of Superman. A story that really does not need telling. Everybody in the whole world must, by now, know who Superman is, where he comes from, and what he is all about.

But just in case anybody had walked into the cinema and suffered a blow to the head from a massive bag of sweetened popcorn thus loosing very particular memories of comic book hero's, this is really not necessary.

Krypton is doomed, shit blows up and a baby is blasted to the stars to land on Earth.

This 18 word sentence sums up the back story of Superman, but for some reason requires multiple flashbacks showing Russell Crowe and his huge mole (do not watch this film in 3-D, I’m glad I didn’t!) walking up and down being a bit moody, but not angry or sad.

He gets killed to death by the baddie and then about 85-90% of the special effects budget is spent on blowing the bejeezus out of a world that doesn’t exist.

We, the audience, is then allowed to skip the most important aspects of Superman (now called Clark Kent) growing up, showing him discovering his powers and being taught “with great power come great…” oh wait – wrong superhero.

What we are treated to is Kevin Costner telling young Clark “NOT TO USE HIS POWERS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES”.

There is even a scene where Clark is getting a good telling off from his adopted Dad and he asks “Should I have just let all those kids drown in that bus?”

I kid you not that the answer that comes back from old Kev is “Well…. Yea… I mean…um..”

GOOD GOD! Old Pa Kent is really made out to be a nobhead in this film.

Time and time again in the flashback sequences we are treated to Kevin Costner bollocking this demi-god (whose iconic image is ham fistedly smashed with that of a certain son of God so many times through the film I started to feel like I was being brainwashed to join some sort of cult) that I stated to hate Kevin quite a bit. 

Not the character, but Kevin himself.

Stop being a Dave about everything Kevin, I thought to myself on more than one occasion.

Thankfully Kevin jumps in front of a tornado for no apparent reason and Clark is allowed to become the hero is was born to be.

Before he can do that though a certain Lois Lane pops down to Antartica in a MINI SKRIT!! (honestly) to look at a spaceship.

Clark is there too and it flies off and blah blah blah.

The baddies come along from somewhere… I forget how it happened… and it all kicks off.

Pretty much everything is smashed to bits – which is a good thing – and after waiting for over a hour we are treated to some very sub par special effects.

The fight scene with ZOD and Superman is long and enjoyable, but most of the effects are really laughable and seemed rushed. Supes cape more than anything looks stupid when he is punching and flying into buildings.

On a side note there a number of easter eggs/nods to the DC universe throughout the film.

Most noteable is the LEXCORP logos through the film, which is a good nod to Lex Luthor.

There is also a very VERY brief glimpse at a logo for a certain Wayne Enterprises near the end of the film.

This is the reason I am giving this film six out of ten.

I very nearly gave it more but rules is rules and the crap special effects allow me to safely reduce the score.

Star Trek: Into Darkness - A 6/10 Review

I have just returned from the cinema after watching the new Star Trek film.

If you have not watched it yet and don’t want to know any spoilers …. GO AWAY.

As long term readers will know, I always give film reviews a healthy 6 out of 10.

The reasons for this are simple.

If anyone gives a film 9 out of ten or even 10 out of ten, you leave other films nowhere to go. The makers of these films will think they have reached the pinnacle of their career and never try any harder meaning that we will be forced to watch nothing but subpar films for the rest of our days.

Nobody wants that.

So I will usually nit-pick and find some reason to offer a lower score than film may deserve.

This review is a little different.

I am genuinely going to struggle to give this film anything more than a three or four.

It really is that bad.

But a six I must give, those are the rules.

Here goes.

Let me start proper by saying that I am a Star Trek fan. I am not a Trekkie or a Trekker. I do not dress up or own any action figures of the Star Trek genre. I do enjoy the shows and will quite happily sit through a full season of Deep Space nine or Voyager without any moaning whatsoever.

Star Trek films have always been rubbish. Bearable at best.

Even when the God of Geeks JJ Abrahams took on the mission of re-booting the franchise, I little hope that Star Trek would make a good film.

The first film was okay. Not brilliant but probably the pick of the bunch so far.

Four years or so later and the new comes out.

There has been much said about this film before it was released. Benedict Cumberbum was in it and was Mickey from Doctor Who and the sky line of London is there as well.

There as space ships, explosions and true to Abrahams form, lots and lots and LOTS of lens flare – just so you know that this is the future and you are in space.

This is because in the future everyone will be wearing dirty glasses that have been smudged by mucky finger marks…

I digress.

This film is not suitable for vegetarians. The acting by some is so ham fisted that I have put of bacon for a week!

Sherlock Holmes acts so much like a bloody pantomime villain it’s a wonder Christopher Biggins didn’t stand in for him as an understudy.

That being said the first hour of this film is quite good. It has a bit of humour, some action and lots of special effects.

But then it all goes a bit tits up.

PROPER SPOILER S FORM HERE:

First up is the Klingons. They are in the film but might as well not have been. For all the woo haa about Klingons being the big enemy in Star Trek these guys are just there to get shot at and beaten up dead easily. 

RUBBISH.

They also looked wrong. In star trek the Klingons are not supposed to have ridges in their heads because of some kind of ecological disaster, but in this new time line they do. It is not explained why but they do. It’s this kind of silly wishy washy half arsed research that makes this blog look bloody professional.

Not only is this a rip off of the original 2^nd star trek film, Wrath of Khan, but it also a rip of the first new movie as they have a scene where Kirk has to fly through space outside of the ship in order to reach another thing (last time it was a platform, this time it’s another spaceship) only this time it wasn’t as clever or dramatic.

Then there’s the bit where original Spock makes an appearance for no reason at all and adds nothing to the plot as by this point all hell as broken loose and everything has gone to hell in a hand cart…. In space.

Tribbles made an appearance and I thought there might be a reference to the fact they are the only creatures the Klingons are afraid of… but this little ball of fur is only there as a piss weak excuse to bring Kirk back to life.

Oh yes. Captain Kirk dies. But thanks to some bullshit about cloned blood bringing things back to life, a Tribble and Kirk are both brought back to life after being dead for ages.

Even in the film, Kirk has been dead for a while. It is not said exactly how long he has been dead for but it is roughly the same time it takes and room full of radiation to be cleared, a door unlocked, a gurney brought down to pick him and moved to sick bay and put into a stasis chamber so that all the cast can stand around looking sad while the Starship enterprise plummets toward the Earth.

Brain dead. That what is was and that is what the writers think the audience are as well.

FUCK YOU ABRAHAMS.

He has done the same with the Avengers. Agent Coulson died by have a great big hole shot through his middle. We even saw him die. His eyes closed and he stopped talking half way through a sentence. That is how you die properly on a film. FACT.

However.

Neither of these characters has stayed dead and kirk wakes up in hospi-cul without a scratch or any signs of the radiation that killed him to death.

Sherlock Holmes is put into a frozen pod and locked away, but because his blood was used to save Kirk in the first place, this now means that in any future film they make about Star Trek, they will not be allowed to kill anyone off because they have an unlimited supply of anti-death medicine at hand and everyone will live forever.

I’m not making this up.

This is the sort of crap an 8 year would right. An Idiot 8 year old at that.

This is the sort of writing that is one step up from “It was all a dream… or was it”

This is the sort of shite I have come to expect from anything that has Damon Lindelof (has anyone seen the end of lost?)

I would love to love this film.

But I don’t. I actually hate it.

As I said before the special effects are good. The acting is not. The story is insulting. The plot is pathetic.

Somehow this adds upto 6 out of 10.

I didn’t pay and the popcorn was okay. There was only one little shit running up and down the aisle this time, but I was far enough away that it didn’t spoil my none enjoyment of the film.

That’s all I have for now. I feel a little bit better about this.

Thanks for reading and allowing me to share my anger.

Film Review: Resident Evil 5

WARNING: there is a spoilery bit at the end of this review, but other than that, if you want a good and honest review of a film without spoilers then this is the one for you.

I have just got back from watching the latest in the series of zombie apocalypse type films that go by the name of Resident Evil.

I will start this review by letting you I give a six out of ten. (as usual)

Here is why:

The film is in 3D. I am not a big fan of 3D films.

A Zombie Gnome - Not seen in the film

At some point in the pre-production I am sure there is a conversation that goes a little bit like this:

 “We must have at least 17 shots of something being flung toward the screen in super slo-mo because we have paid a ton of cash for this 3D camera and I’ll be a monkeys uncle if we don’t let everyone know how cool we are.”  Says the director/producer.

“fair enough boss.” Replies every nodding yes man in the room.

And so the script writers are forced fed super strength coffee and red bull mixers while they work furiously trying to work out how this 19^th century love story can viable have a load of bullets and an exploding car swimming toward the viewers eyeballs.

Resident evil didn’t have this problem as everyone knows, where there are zombies there are always 

ALWAYS flaming cars and lots and lots of bullets zipping around toward the camera.

That said, the script is bloody awful. The best lines include:

Something for the blokes...

“You are making a mistake”

“get out of my way”

To ensure this post remains spoiler free I will not reveal who is in who’s way and who is making a mistake. To be honest I’m not sure why this piece of dialogue sticks in my head as other parts such as – “I’m going to get you” and “good luck with that.” Will not win anybody any Oscars.

All the women wear tight fitting ill-informed dresses for fighting and running (it’s no wonder they always fall over then they are on the run)

All the men have long hair and/or too many muscles than is good for them.

Nobody has a back story even the people who have been in the previous movies and were killed off in glorious Technicolor.

... And something for the ladies.

But none of this matters. When it comes to the Resident Evil franchise none of us walk into the cinema expecting to have our philosophical muscles flexed. We want lots of guns, explosions, gravity defying back flips. On this count the film delivers.

On any other level you could possibly conceive – it doesn’t.

SPOLIERY BIT:

The first ten minutes are a re-cap of the previous 8 films, it’s got her off of the third film, him from the fourth and the other one from the first one and the baddie form the first, second and third films…um… and the fourth.

A Cryptic Clue for those that like cryptic clues.

It was a bit like one of those episodes they used to do on friends when they had run out of ideas and just did a recap.

That is why this film gets a six.

A very much delayed response to the film RED.

RED is one of the latest comic book adaptations from DC comics. Having not read this particular graphic novel I was intrigued to watch a film where I had no real idea what it involved.

Oorf wiv 'is 'ead!

I had brief understandings that this movie was about a bunch of retired secret agents – the title stands for Retired Extremely Dangerous, and also starred Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman and Helen Mirren but anything more than that was unknown to me.

And so I sat down to watch what surely would be an entertaining but probably not thought provoking 107 minutes of action.

What did I receive?

Well, let me tell you.

Without giving too much away about the films plot, which isn’t all that imaginative, what I can you is that at around 40 minutes into the film I punched the air and stifled a roar of laughter at what has to be one the silliest moments in film.

There are two or three really good fight scenes in this movie but it feels like there should be more. There appears to be many many minutes where not much happens, not even any repeatable dialogue – no “yippee-kay-ay!”’s no “I’m three time smarter than YOU think you are”’s nothing. Just a bunch of actors who seem a little older than they should waiting to be told to move out of the way for the stunt man..

A picture of Gods voice

The stunts though are very good. It’s just that there aren’t enough of them.

I would love to give this film more than 6 bullets of out 10 but I can’t and here are the reasons why.

Not enough fighting, although the fighting is pretty hardcore when it does happen, it just leaves you wanting a bit more....

There was a phone call I got from the missus half way through about something that could have waited until the next day which kind of spoilt the mood a little.

Plus the fact the dog needed a pee about ten minutes from the end and started whining and wouldn’t shut up meaning I had to pause the film and take him out. When I got back the play button wouldn’t work and I had to turn the dammed thing off and then skip through the scenes until I found the part where I’d left off.

So all in all RED is another film that’s a 6 out of 10.

I really wish there was a film out there that deserved more than 6 out of 10 but I am yet to find one.

When will Hollywood learn?

i-tunes sucks!

A Review of Captain America by a special Guest Author

Captain America a review by Pedro Fitzcalardo.

First of all, if you do go and see ANY Marvel film at the cinema here is a bit of advice - 

DO NOT LEAVE BEFORE THE END CREDITS!

There are at least two extra bits that you really should see including a full clip of the Avengers. the one of the interent is only about half of the full clip. you have been told now and so there is no excuse.

Now onto the main event.

I went to watch that film called Captain America on Saturday night. Watched it in 2d, 'cos I’m not that into 3D films.

Overall it was good. There was plenty of action and some good bits of talking but not too much, which is good for an action film.

I was worried at one point when Cap was chasing this baddie who had pinched a little ginger kid and threw him in the water and I thought to myself – I thought “oh, here we go, the old hero’s dilemma, should I save the kid or get the bad guy... what to do – what to do?”. But as Cap looked over the edge to see the kiddie drowning and in need of rescue what he actually saw was the ginger kid treading water and saying “its ok, I can swim. Go get him!” which sets this film apart from others. It didn’t go head strong into the old clichés and I liked that a lot.

What I didn’t like about this film was that the cini-world cinema in Shrewsbury, where I watched the film, is only showing it twice a day.

What is all that about, as peter Kay might say four times to emphasise his weak gags.

Showing what should and undoubtedly will be one of the hit movies of the year should be shown more than twice a day. Especially as the last showing means you don’t leave the cinema until close to midnight and the terms of my ASBO mean I have to be home before ten pm.

As it was I had tied the ankle tag to my dog’s leg and locked him in the downstairs cupboard so I was alright, but it’s the principle of the thing.

Plus...

While waiting to get my massive bag of popcorn and gallon of flat coke I overheard the guy in front of me ask the girl at the kiosk “are there any good films out at the moment?”

Why oh why oh why would you go to the cinema, cue up for ages at the popcorn stand (where you can buy your tickets as well) and only at the precise moment your mind should be concentrating on how much popped corn you wish to rot in your belly, do you ask the question “what film should I watch?”

That guy was an idiot.

His mate, who had been stood in the middle of the foyer wasn’t much brighter.

As he was called over to his mate to confirm that captain America was the only film left to be shown that evening and is a good film that’s worth watching anyway, the two of them stood looking at each other for inspiration.

It a long hard look from me to confirm that they should make their bloody minds up quick sharp and get a move on.

They did.

For those reasons I can only give captain America 6 out of 10.

If you go to see captain America. DO NOT GO CINI-WORLD in Shrewsbury as most of the people who frequent that particular establishment as flipping idiots.

If it wasn’t for my ASBO I would have lamped him one.