“The female of the species is more deadlier than the male...” or so says the song.
Science would happily tell us that the women have a higher
tolerance for pain than men. And in turn women, while standing on their high
horses atop of their sugar pedestals up there in their ivory towers, take great
pleasure in informing us men how horrible and painful it is to carry a child in
their womb for three quarters of the year and how difficult it is to cope with the
excruciating agony of giving birth followed by breast feeding and piles and
blah blah blah.
 |
| "well THAT was a piece of piss..." |
But nothing NOTHING compares with the pain that every single
man has suffered at least once in his life.
Before I go into detail as to what this ultimate pain is – I
would ask you (especially the women amongst you) to pin a bulldog clip to your
underarm... AND LEAVE IT THERE. Then after your eyes can water no more pull it
off without opening the clip. Just pull – s-l-o-w-l-y.
It hurts doesn’t it?
Imagine that but 100 times worse and without the option of
removing the pain.
THAT is what men have to go through each and every time they
...*it hurts to even type this* trap their “old fella” in the zip of their
pants.
 |
| The work of the Devil (or a woman) |
With a baby, you know it’s coming. You have the best part of
a whole year to get used to the idea and brace yourself, let alone all the free
drugs, water pools, nurses, hospitals, more drugs, paid time off work and money
from the government.
For men, we get no warning whatsoever.
Not only do we find our most sensitive, delicate and personal
part now trapped and exposed at the same time, but if this happens when you’re
out and about, you are probably not in the most hygienic of places to find
yourself in need of medical help.
It doesn’t stop there though.
 |
| Oh dear lord NOOOOoooooooo....... |
The fact that your little winky is trapped means that the
teeth of the zipper has well and truly snared you in its grasp. There is no
easy way to undo this problem. Unzipping is not an option. This is not a
plaster on some arm hair... this is thousands of nerve endings being systematically
abused the most horrible way.
Sure, if you have a baby, you might poo a bit or get a tiny
little scar but that is nothing compared to falling to your knees in a puddle
of other men’s piss, crying in the gents with your hands shaking violently as
you try your best to undo this magnificent injustice to your manhood.
Finding yourself in such a situation does nothing short of
completely destroying your self confidence and bravado. Once done, there is no
way you can simply rejoin your group of drinking buddies and attempt to gain
alpha male status or even laugh at the stupid joke being passed around the
table due to the paranoid thought of you cock hanging on by a thread.
The best you can hope for is for the night to end quietly
and calmly so you go home and ring your mum.
 |
| ...Ah. That's the wrong kind of fly - stupid Google search. |
At least with pregnancy you get a baby and loads of presents
and stuff.
When pants attack, you have lost the night.
Be careful out there guys. It’s a dangerous world.