From DOGLUMPS to BROCCOLI

None of what you read here is meant to be a moan or a grumble.
It is, though, completely true and should be viewed as a brief glimpse into my daily life and how if differs from many other people.

Some of the words which are in CAPITALS have been chosen by Twitter followers and I would like to thank @PrincessBagel, @Olliethepigeon and @Rob_Z_Tobor for their suggestions.... you weirdos!

Using nothing but these suggested words as inspiration I have written what ever comes into my head. It appears my imagination has failed me.





As you read this (assuming you are reading this on the same day it has been published - 9th or April) I am not here.

I am in fact, out!

I am either shopping with the wife (am) or out drinking and eating (pm).

For most people this would not be blog worthy, but long time readers will know that my life is not the same as many others.

Working from home in the holiday industry means that your relaxing time is my work time. 

Bank holidays, weekends and any day that makes you think "Ooh, let's have a barbecue!" is a day where I say... "Blimey, look how many people are coming today. Crumbs!"... or words to that effect.

holiday makers are great for the most part. But they do tend to forget a few things when on holiday.

Things like cleanliness for example.

It's bad enough having to pick up DOGLUMPS that bad dog owners fail to pick up, but what I find in the bins would astonish the most hardened of cynics.

I could write an encyclopaedia on the things I have found in the bins.
From TV's to slippers and shoes, whole tents, THERMAL VESTS and once, an entire kitchens worth of pans, kettles, cups and plates.

That's not to mention the amount of food waste I witness on a daily basis.

Banana's seem to be very popular in the winter months for some reason, but I do recall a spate of FROZEN PIZZA's being tossed away. They had not even been opened and were still in date.

I didn't eat them though. That would be wrong.

I can often be found cleaning muck from the sides of toilets, separating the recycling from non-recyclable rubbish like some kind of COCKWOMBLE (not sure what a cockwomble is, but I'm sticking to that definition)

When not cleaning up after scruffy types I am often digging or filling bits of the ground.

Rabbit holes seem to be the main time suck.

There are millions of the critters living in the woods around me and those LUCKY RABBITS FEET do an awful lot of damage and I do not consider them to be lucky for my back AT ALL!

After all the rain we have had I have spent many afternoons filling in POTHOLES created by the rain water washing away the roads around the site... which is back breaking and causes me to get a sweat on, like a commoner!

All of this work should leave me in a physical state of pure manliness but alas it does not.

I have a very peculiar metabolism.

I have tried diets and smoothies and eating well... including a ton of BROCCOLI, but I can never quite get rid of my middle aged spread which seems to have arrived a few years early.

I am attempting to try and exercise in order to loose a little of belly, but every time I attempt to get fir I usually end up breaking furniture for some reason.

By the time you have read this I will have had a chippy tea as our chippy man will have been and I get mine for free!

YUM YUM!

Three Reeves walk into a bar...

Christopher Reeves, Keanu Reeves and Vic Reeves walk into a bar.

Of course, that never happened.

What did happen is that you have just walked into a brain fart.

It's one of those writing exercises where the author (that's me) starts typing and doesn't stop until they get fed up or run out of things to say.

It would be a rather interesting place to be if you happened to be in a room and through the door walked Superman, Neo and a man famous for saying "Uvavoo!" and "You wouldn't let it lie"

Keanu Reeves

You would telling your mates for months about how they "Should have been there!" and "It was crazy.. I mean, Christopher Reeve has been dead for years."

Unfortunately, nobody will ever be able to say that they WERE in the same room as Chris, Vic and Keanu for fear of being pointed out as a complete and total liar.

But people do lie.

They do it all the time. No more so than politicians.

I watched a thing on the TV this week that went behind the scenes of parliament here in the UK and it was rather interesting and a bit of an eye opener.

Vic Reeves (left)

I had heard that some MP's did not want camera crews inside parliament and had tried to arrange for somebody to push the camera man over so they could complain about health and safety, but an honest employee caught wind of this plot and stopped it in it's tracks.

well done them!

We need more people in this world to stand up to bullies and cretins like that.

Not Russell Brand though.

Not him.

Anyone but Russell Brand.

I can't stand that guy.

Russell Brand

With his hair and lady shirts and tacky leather jewellery. I simply do not understand what he is supposed to be.

Someone else I don't like is The new bloke who presents Newsnight.

You know the guy, him off Dragons Den.

There's something about him that rubs me up a long way.

I do like Vic Reeves though.

He seems like the kind of guy who would ring up Keanu Reeves and convince him it would be a good idea to dig up Superman and drag his body on a pub crawl for shits and giggles... He's bonkers that guy.

Christopher Reeves (deceased)

A Good Old Rant - February 2014

The following is a brain fart. That means I starting writing and didn't stop until I couldn't think of anything to write.
The whole post took less than 10 minutes to write(it shows) and is presented here as it was created, baring some minor spell checking and font readjustment.

Enjoy - or not....


Everyone seems to be having a go at rich people.

For some reason it is seen as being wrong to have lots of money.

I don't have any money at all (Mrs H has seen to that!) but I do not think badly of those with more than me.

I find it quite odd that we all go out to work to earn money so that we can have nice things, we read papers and watch TV shows and more often than not think "I wish I had a car like thingy-me-bob," or "She is very nearly wearing a lovely dress made of unicorn silk, I want one" and then order a dozen online, squeezing the last drops out of our credit cards so that we feel just a tiny little bit better about our pathetic pointless lives.

However, those that can afford to buy a whole desert island are seen as evil and bad and we are told by politicians and the many faceless voices of panel shows that the rich should be forced to pay more tax than everyone else for no other reason that they have more money.

But let's put this into some sort of perspective that may or may not make sense.

The rich usually get rich because they or their partners or parents have MADE a lot of money working hard.

Maybe they built up a business from nothing like that Richard Branstons or invented a thing like Billy Gates. Sometimes they have more money than they know what to do with by being talented and entertaining like Paul McCartney or Bono or Peter "it's spitting!" Kay.

Regardless of how they managed to get lot's of money, they have it and often spend it wisely.

They might hire butlers or personal assistants as they now know, or they will order massive houses to be built and buy nice clothes and cars and ... things.

Idiots like you and me wouldn't know what to do if we were stupidly rich.

That's why most people don't play the lottery anymore. 

"Money doesn't make you happy!" so says the saying that people often say. And it seems to be true for those unprepared.

Take Michael Carroll for example. Here is a guy who won the best part of £10 million in 2002 and pissed it up the wall on drugs cars baseball caps and all sorts of nonsense.

To paraphrase the National Lottery - "That could have been YOU!" 

Okay probably not you. You would buy a house and a car and have a nice holiday and.... then what would you do?

That's right. You would live off the interest. You would be rich. And everyone would hate you.

Much in the same way that people hated Mr Carroll for wasting all that money.

I don't.

Mr Carroll did what he did because he knew he would never have the chance to spend £10 million again and he thought - "Sod it!"

Sure he is now working in a biscuit factory, but how many people love biscuits and say "I'd love to work in a biscuit factory!"?

I'll tell you how many - LOADS.

Michael Carroll put £10 million BACK into the UK economy in one form or another. 

There have been more instances of winners NOT spending their money and in some cases continuing to work in their old jobs!

This is the real evil. These people DON'T have to work but do, therefore stopping someone else from having a job they actually need to put food on the table.

Nor do they spend their money, instead it sits in a bank account collecting interest for the greedy bankers (remember them?) to invest badly and the so called winners take a wet weekend holiday in a rented mobile home off the coast of Cornwall.

Think of how much TAX they are not contributing to society. Think of that Job somebody could have. Think of the fun that none of us are not having because of their lack of imagination.

God I'm Angry now.

I want to be rich. I'm not ashamed to say it. I want to win a stupid amount of money that has far too many zeros at the end that it just boggles the mind.

The thing is, I won't be. Even though I still play the lottery, the prizes are starting to look like I am the only one bothering to buy a bloody ticket.

Don't for one second sit there and think - No, not me. I'm happy as I am.

If somebody offered you an oversized cheque from the postcode lottery you'd snatch their hand off, push the camera man out of the way and take a great big dirty shit on your bosses desk before snogging the receptionist you have had a crush on for the past six months and then sod off to somewhere with less rain and more cocktails by the beach before you could say "Derek? We're going to Bendirom!"

end.