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Showing posts with label cutbacks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cutbacks. Show all posts

Thursday, 1 December 2011

2011 A Review - In 998 Words


2011. What a year it has been!

Celebrity deaths, protests, looting, warm summers and mild winters. Possible proof that the speed of light is an absolute may have been debunked and the continuation of the global fiscal worries filled the blank spaces of the nation press.
Artists rendition of the end of times

Nuclear explosions, earthquakes, the seven billionth human takes a breath and promptly defecates on the only planet known to be able to sustain life as we know it and more piss poor desperate faces off the television appearing in various jungles, ballrooms, ice rinks or houses made entirely of cameras and mirrors beg for the right to be recognised while those who couldn’t get in were appearing on news channels fist banging tables declaring the press to be an abhorrent monster that invades their lives without permission.

Oh and the only way is Essex (whatever that is)

How little did we know back in February
We start with the sad news that Pete Postlethwaite passed away in January. This was followed in February with some pranksters changing a petrol sign with the initials LOL (which means Laugh Out Loud, so I’m told).

March gave us a glimpse at one possible link in a chain of events that could lead to the end of the world with a tsunami near Japan, causing a crack in the wall of the Fukushima Nuclear power plant.  Cue exaggerated reports of how a nuclear cloud will envelope the UK and kill all the sheep etc.

News headlines were full to bursting point as we saw the hottest April in over 100 years here in the UK. Cue news reports of massive fatalities of heat stroke and melting pensioners etc.

In May UK politicians were no doubt suffering from sun stroke when Theresa May spouted some bull poop about “an illegal immigrant not being sent home because (and I’m not making this up) a cat.” Oh yes, and some guy called Osama was shot dead after 10 years on the run for instigating the worst terrorist attack in living memory. Cue many column inches of unverified reports of retaliation by extremist groups that didn’t really happen.
Somebody voted for these idiots

June allowed the newspapers to ponder the serious repercussions of how the Greek deficit will affect the rest of Europe and the world. Exaggerations and inaccurate fiscal calculations did nothing to alleviate the economy downturn.

July bounced around the corner, like a happy go lucky puppy dog, unlike Amy Whinehouse who died. The coroner stated that there were no drugs found in her system at the time of death, which must have surprised almost everybody in the whole universe. The tabloid press nearly broke their own arms off and the opportunity to write what they wanted about a dead girl.

August gave us final proof that there are too many people in the world and most of them are ungrateful moronic idiot oxygen thieves (see London riots). Newspapers continued their crazy assault on declaring the madness will never end ad infinitum.

In September there were over 2.5 million unemployed people in the UK, although there were still 12 pages of jobs in my local paper – and I live out in the sticks!!! I didn’t buy a paper in September so can’t remember what the papers had to say about that, but it probably wasn’t words of encouragement asking the people to help each other and rally round to make the country better.

There is a fine line between being deep and being pedantic - I should know!
October refused to let Steve Jobs carry on anymore and allowed those who should know better to relax their decorum muscles and act like they knew the guy personally by crying and acting like the idiots they are. *I have nothing against Mr jobs, but do wonder at the mentality of folk from thousands of miles away who happen to own a product made by a company that is run by someone who has died and they feel it is acceptable to wander around in front of the nearest TV camera and blub like a lost school girl at the news of a strangers death. He invented I-pods not the cure for cancer (which would be ironic)

This was also the month that the 7 billionth person was born, which I am neither happy nor concerned about in any way shape or form. The papers were blah blah... (You get where I’m going with this by now surely?)

"AH-HAAAAAAAAA!"
November has only just gone out of fashion and here in the UK people have been looking for a reason to get angry. Last year it was the snow. Boy were people mad/confused at the seasonal changes/ desperate to have a day off work! Unfortunately for them there has not been the slightest hint of snow this year and so those who receive the most holidays and best pay packets decided that they would have a day off anyway by holding a one day strike. Those poor lambs who have their pensions paid by the public purse want more money for themselves and fail completely to understand that government cuts have to come from somewhere and while every man woman and child in the UK is facing a reduced income while seeing the price of essential items rise on an almost daily basis, believe it is their constitutional right to down tools and demand that their pension pots are safe and secure.

It was also the month of the Leveson enquiry, which is to continue for a number of weeks and for some reason the newspapers have been rather quiet about the whole affair of how and why the self regulated national press association has allowed itself to act in the manner of aggressive thoughtless, brutal and emotionless money grabbing greedy bastards with no respect or honour for the suffering or innocent. Strange that.

December hasn’t really got going but I am left with an ever lurking sense of dread and loathing for what mankind has to offer.

According to weirdoes and mentalists the world is supposed to end next year so none of this really matters anyway.

Carry on.
 *other things did happen in 2011. Feel free to comment on your own memorable memories in the box below. cheers.





Monday, 1 August 2011

998 Words To Bring Both Me And You Upto Speed.


I’ve not really had the chance to blog anything this past week due to Mrs Hogart staying in the caravan for a week to help with the celebrations of our sites 4th birthday.

But she’s gone back home now and my 7 day conjugal visit is over.

Normality can resume.

In the week I’ve been away the world seems to have gone tits up.

Mass murders in Norway, phone hacking scandals, pop star deaths and America runs out of money.


Let’s sort it out...

Phone hacking:
"I hope this doesn't appear on bumferry.blogspot.com"


I think this story broke first. I can’t be bothered to check. Facts only get in the way of a good rant.
Rupert Murdock, who used to be in the A-Team, was asked some questions by a bunch of politicians about what he knew in respect of his staff listening in to mobile phone messages of other people and ended up having a pie thrown in his face by a sweaty fat bloke called Jonnie Marbles.

Mr Marbles is supposed to be some kind of comedian and used the event to highlight his own tiny career. I don’t think it worked very well.

..All of them hateful retorts.
The news reporters at the time all jumped to the defence of Murdock saying that it was a terrible thing to do to an old man. And the public were banned from the rest of the hearings.

Murdoch was given a reprieve in the eyes of the media and the whole thing was a bit of a shambles.
Thus showing that there is a time and place for democracy and this wasn’t it – according to those in charge.


The Death of Amy Whinehouse:

"i wanna be just like you when I'm 97"
Whinehouse sang a couple of songs and took an awful lot of drugs. She also had a lot of tattoos and married a druggie and took some more drugs and then died.

When news broke about her death, the general public was seen to be crying and laying flowers with little cards saying how much they loved her and how the world will not be the same etc etc.

I am utterly amazed at how people over react to the death of someone they saw once on TV. When a face that is slightly familiar will no longer be on the same planet people turn to mush and the crocodile tears fall as if they’ve just been told their winning lottery ticket is two days out of date. The sorrow, fear and anguish is just too much for me to bear.

Amy Whinehouse didn’t give a toss about anyone but herself. If you didn’t have a new needle in your hand she wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. She was so far of the mark of being any kind of good role model you couldn’t make it up.

Once again the general public shows itself up to be a complete fucking idiot willing to jump on any bandwagon that rolls through town.

She is dead. Get over it. And her songs were shit.


Norway.

Having been to Oslo on what can only be described as – a shit holiday – I’m not surprised that somebody went totally nuts and decided to have a day of rampaging and murder. Nothing has happened in Norway for a thousand years.

Not since a man’s hat blew off in a strong gust of wind has there been anything newsworthy of any kind. Unless we include that dwarf bouncing a ball off his crutches, but I’ve talked enough about that previously.

1980's Baddie of the week?
The press jumped on the terrorist bandwagon before any facts came to light and started blaming Muslims before quickly retracting all of their experts and “facts” when it became clear that it wasn’t a religious extremist but was in fact a ... erm... religious extremist.

This Anders Behring Breivik bloke is not being called a terrorist or religious fanatic. I find this to be quite strange. There should be no difference between this idiot and the other idiots apart from the colour of his skin and the god he prays to.

When the man has claimed the death of nearly one hundred innocent people in the name of his god, and with the sole purpose of having the opportunity to highlight his own views on religion – that is by definition a religious nutter.

Am I wrong?

All in all the guy is well out of order and looks like a fruit cake.

Norway has a policy of open court meaning that everyone can have their say in a free and open democracy – can you see where I might be going with this one??




USA money trouble:
"i wish Bumferry Hogart would write something soon.."

This piece of scary news passed me by and I only found out by accident. The story goes that America, like much of the world’s governments, has been spending more money than it collects and things have got so bad that economists had calculated that by the 2nd of august there would be no money left AT ALL!

That is a crazy concept to get your head around.

So the politicians in the US are banging their heads together and arguing over who has the bigger rifle or fattest kid or something in a piss weak attempt to sort out the mess.

As of writing this The democrats(Obama) and republicans (the red necks and Hicks) are “close to agreeing” on suitable reforms, however if they don’t then the United states of America will run out of money and won't be able to pay way.

Fight you B@stards!
This dire event will spread across to us here in the UK and across the world causing massive drops in financial markets and resulting in a Mad Max style world where Tine Turner runs a gladiator style barter town.

We narrowly missed that outcome once. To miss it again would be a miracle. This sort of thing must never be allowed to happen.



America is a democracy.

And so my poorly researched rant about how free will is the ultimate threat to mankind reaches its zenith.


Good luck everyone.

Sunday, 13 February 2011

read but don't weep

Manchester council held a meeting last week in order to find the best way to save money due to the cut backs facing u all in this “age of austerity”.

Some of the thinks they discussed involved:

• Triple yellow lines EVERYWHERE
• Tax the homeless
• Sell all the lead in the town hall
• And many others

In their infinite wisdom though, the council have decided that the best way to save money due to the cut backs is to close all but one of the 19 public toilets in the town centre.

Many people have expressed their opinion that this is a bad idea. But I for one think this is a good thing.

Next time I pop into to the hovel that is England’s second city, I will be able to see the wonderful and articulate poetry that adorns the crappers of my home town as I am chased by the many multi-cultural gangs, instead of waiting until you are "pringled" (‘cos once you pop – you just can’t stop)

Here is an example of the kind of things you may see on your own travels:



Na you find any better statements of fact on your travels?

If so, send them to me or post them to my facebook.

The best will win a prize.

In other news, not one of you bothered to enter he competition the other week.

No sinkingship badges will be handed out this week.