Not With A Bang, But A Whimper

The end of the world as we know it (TEOTWAWKI) is well and truly upon us.

Hollywood films, have for years, entertained us with visual delights of exploding Suns, alien invasions, mega earthquakes, impossible ice ages, giant rocks from space and even shark filled weather, but our everyday lives are about to be disrupted in a more subtle way.

As humans beings, one of our greatest weaknesses is the fact that we follow patterns.

We love 'em.

We are designed to find patterns everywhere. We see patterns in the most irregular of places.

How often have you looked at a cloud and seen an image of a horse playing a trumpet or seen the faces of a deity in a piece of burnt toast?

All the damn time.

But not only this, we follow patterns. We all have a morning routine for example.

You put your clothes on in a certain way, you will travel the same way to work every day and you will eat the same things all the time.

But how does this effect the end of the world?

I am a tea drinker but there are many people out there who enjoy a cup of coffee.

It has been reported that coffee crops are set to be 35% lower than previous years, which have been in decline for a long time.

Your morning cup of Joe may become more expensive at best. At worst there may be an actual world wide shortage of coffee for sale.

This might seem bad enough but then there is the added fear that, due to the recent floods in Cumbria, us Brits may not even have a biscuit to dunk in our brews.

This is how the world will end.

Not with a bang, but a whimper.

Not having that subconscious little treat will be the start of a very slippery slope to barbarianism.

With your morning patterns ruined, work life balance will be torn apart. This will result in lower effort put in at your place of employment. There will be no more chit chats by the office kettle as everyone discusses just how much weight Karen in accounts has put on or if Derek is wearing eye liner and what's with that work experience lad in the post room? I'm sure he's stealing pens.

With the working environment in tatters it won't take long before the boss notices and puts you on a disciplinary for not getting that report done on time (your boss would rather ruin your day than deal with Derek, who is now wearing sequinned mini skirts and singing show tunes throughout the day, AND your boss hasn't had their daily cuppa either so it's all gone to pot!)

But not to worry, when you get home, after one of the worst weeks of your adult life, at least you can sit down and relax with a nice cup of..... um.... hot water?

That won't cut it.

Who will take the blame for that?

Your significant other - that's who.

They won't stand for it for long and before Christmas you will find yourself on your own, jobless, sat in the dark because you have no money to pay the electric bill and you have this weird pain in your stomach because you have been forced to buy "cufee" from the black market and it will probably contain bits of mud and dead rat hairs and then you will feel poorly.

But it won't just be you will it?

It will be everybody. 

Your neighbours, work colleagues, friends and loved ones will be going through the same emotional wrangler as their lives as torn apart from within.

It's the accumulation of the small things that will rip civilisation asunder.

We will all fall victim to the decomposition of friendship and help.

Man will fight against itself for the briefest glimmer of hope that they will be able to dunk a biscuit into their cuppa.

But that hope will soon fade as you stare into your hands, the drying stains of blood from your latest kill soaking into the skin. Staining not only your fingers but your soul.

There is no escape.

The end is coming.

Hoard your biscuits.

Cherish your Custard Creams.

Even the jammy dodger.







Damn you all.

Damn you all to hell.

Biscuits Wars: The Retaliation

At the time of writing this post I am only 500 views away from the big 20,000.

This figure may seem small to most of you reading this with you 100’s of followers (does that make it a religion?) and funny and informative posts that carry a sequential narrative that naturally flows from one to the other, making sense and coming up with clever witty ideas and pause for thought.

But to little old me, who is happily sat being ignored by most of the world, It’s big news.

Not only am I about to reach a rounded number that otherwise means not a lot, but Two other amazing things have happened to me recently.

Firstly I have made a new friend.

This new friend of mine is actually a bit of a hero to me and somebody I have admired for a number of years.

His name is Boothby Graffoe and he is a proper famous person… (what do you mean you have never heard of him??)

Mr Graffoe is a musician and comedian who has been on BBC RADIO 4 AND EVERYTHING.

I too have appeared on BBC radio, but I did not get my own series.

Mr Graffoe has, and that makes him famous in my eyes.

Anyway. He is my friend on that there Twitter of which you would be able to see a link to my constant mumblings over on the right hand side ---à

Follow me on Twitter if you like. I might even say hello to you.

The other amazing thing that has happened this week is that Addman of Muppets for Justice has finally did the right thing and took my advice to “cowboy the F*ck up” and recorded his video of himself eating a packet of Jammie Dodgers.

As we all know these biscuits are bloody awful, but to his credit he has made a video and done it.

Go and watch it.

It is quite the funny thing. But don’t forget to comment that he only gives SEVEN facts and not eight as promised (typical JD eater! Full of Jam and lies)

Other than that Somebody nearly died on site with a run away car that smashed into two other caravans AND another car. We had two police cars and ambulances and very nearly had to call an air ambulance… but you don’t want to hear about that!

So there you go, 500 views to until party time. I may have a Custard cream or two to celebrate, why don’t you join me by eating your own favourite biscuit.

Thanks for taking the time my idiocy. There arn't many of you but you all count... well, apart from those with jam around your face.

(Jammie dodgers need not apply)

Talking Thoughtless Gibberish: Operation Custard Cream

Last week I was challenged by Addman from Muppets for Justice to make a video showing me eating some custard creams.

I did it.

I made the video.

Easy peasy.

Or so I thought.

As you should know by now, technology is not my strongest point and although the video has been made it is of such piss poor quality that I am ashamed of it beyond belief.

However, the challenge was set and the video HAS been made and needs to be shown.

I have tried to upload the video straight to this post, but blogger must have some kind of algorithm that stops really rubbish videos from being uploaded... it works very well.

So the best I can do is share the video via youtube.

YouTube is also not my friend at the moment as the video has very poor sound.

I don't know why this is.

It plays fine on my laptop but once uploaded the sound is very quiet indeed.

If you want to spend 12 minutes and 42 seconds of your live watching me eat some biscuits then please have you headphones (or speakers) at the ready to get the most out something that offers very little.

If I ever decide to make more videos I will make sure that I have invested some money in a decent webcam, microphone and software.

But for now you can put up or shut up.

I came, I ate, I recorded.

That was all that was asked of me and I have achieved.

It is now upto Addman to create his own video showing his face being forced to consume some mass produced "jam" and shortbread.

Good luck everyone and sorry.

Custard Cream: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocQwBusg-DM

Persecution

Never in the history of mankind has anyone had to suffer such horrific persecution as I recently have.

Bercelloni said this, or words to that effect, but he is bloody crook and has the blackest greasiest hair in the world.

Jesus may have had a point, but he knew what he was getting into and it was all his dads fault anyway. Something to do with book sales or something….

Anyway. You may remember that last week I wrote a nice little post about the Humble Custard Cream and how much I enjoy eating them.

Nothing wrong with that.

But that didn’t stop the Jammie Dodger Nazi’s from harassing me and “threatening me” which really isn’t cricket at all.

This argument has even gone global with some lucky people who probably live in a place where the sun shines ALL THE TIME saying they have never even heard of Jammie Dodgers. (lucky bleeders).

This has cumulated in THIS recent post from Addman.

I had considered Addman to be a friend. Although I have never met him in person, I always thought nice things of him and assumed he had common sense and gumption. I have even done some voice work for him on his podcast (click here for biscuit nazi fun times) for NO MONEY.

How wrong could I be?

Not only did he comment on the blog in the manner of one of those loonies who still write in to Points of View, but he has taken to spreading his mind filth of the hatred of the Custard Cream and those who enjoy it’s economical value for money/taste/enjoyment on his own blog and challenged me to a duel of sorts.

In a nut shell, he want’s me to film myself eating a packet of custard creams to prove that they are not enjoyable.

WHAT TOSH!

What with the gay community being one step closer to true equality by seeing a victory for their rights to get married and the historical events of D-Day being remembered this week, it seems quite poignant and justified that TRUTH and RIGHTEOUSNESS must be called upon to quell the aggressive rhetoric of naysayers, wrong doers and evil megalomaniacs once again.

Now, I am not the sort of guy who goes around starting fights – but I will bloody well finish this one.

I will do it because I’m British, because I’m a lover of Custard Creams and because it is the right thing to do.

It appears you can’t trust anyone these day’s… especially people who eat Jammie Dodgers.

A video of me enjoying a packet of custard creams will follow shortly. Thankyou.

Custard creams

I love a cup of tea and I bloody love custard creams.

I like other biscuits but nothing compares to custard creams, as I think Sinaed O’Connor once sang.

Some people rave about digestive biscuits.

Not me.

It is a solid gold fact that digestives DO NOT help with digestion and therefore are liars.

Bourbon are just penguin biscuits without the chocolate, which is a con.

Nice biscuits (pronounced ‘NICE’ not ‘NICE’) are not nice. They are far too sugary.

Pink wafers shouldn’t be classed as biscuits and I’m not sure about party rings come to think about it.

Rich tea are not made from tea although rich tea fingers go rather well with a tub of Nutella.

All other biscuits are just pale imposters compared to the mighty Custard cream.

The custard cream contains all the essential minerals and vitamins needed to keep you in tip top form.

This may or may not be true.

Either way. The humble Custard is awesome and if anyone who works with in the manufacture, distribution or sale of custard creams would like to send me some. I would be grateful.

As a side note. Jammy Dodgers are just plain wrong.

Jam belongs in butties not biscuits.

That would be like having marmalade or lemon curd in a biscuit.

….

I’m sick of typing the word biscuit now.

As a final thought, Ginger nut biscuits are acceptable in any circumstances.

Here’th end’eth the lesson.

Biscuits.

*This post was inspired in part by the actions of the English Defence League being bamboozled at a protest the stupid idiots.