Having just returned from watching the Marvel Avengers film
(why are you rolling your eyes? I’m i told you I’m a comic book geek) I feel it
is my duty to lay down a few rules about frequenting the cinema.
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| It was a very Good film.. |
Whether or not this has been discussed before is a mute
point as, for the very last time, I have shown enough restraint with the
idiotic members of the human race who are willing to pay through the nose to
NOT sit still and enjoy the hard work made by others.
Why in the name of, which ever god you believe in, do people (THAT
YOU PROBABLY KNOW) feel that it is acceptable to stand up, walk around and make
so much noise when it is obviously clear that the other 200 or so people in the
very same room are there to be entertained by professional people and not YOU.
Therefore for the benefit of all humanity I have produced
this handy cinema goer’s guide to not making yourself a potential target for a
good kicking (c.g.g.t.n.m.y.a.p.t.f.a.g.k. for short)
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| Ooh Err.. |
CGGTNMYAPTFAGK
STEP ONE: Before
leaving the house and again before entering the screening room, go to the
toilet. Even if you don’t think you need the loo, go anyway. Nobody likes to
stare at the silhouette of someone with all the bladder control of a
pensioner/infant. Sort that shit out guy!
STEP TWO: Always
remember before you enter the cinema, stop and have a little think to yourself
so that you know exactly which film it is you want to watch. DO NOT be that
person who gets to the front of the line and then “umms” and “aaahs” about which
film to watch – you will be the first against the wall come the revolution.
STEP THREE: Share
the tills: If you are with another cinema goer, please use one till to buy your
tickets and/or buy popcorn – there is no excuse to use two tills.
STEP FOUR: Take
note of the time when buying your tickets and drinks and snacks. DO NOT enter
the screening room once the film has started. Its easy to do – JUST DON’T BE
LATE.
STEP FIVE: Always
turn off your mobile device and end any and all conversations BEFORE you enter
any room that has diminished lighting. Seriously. Shut the hell up. I don’t care
whatever it is you want to say to the idiot you waddled in with. In fact, I
doubt very much that the moron who paid for your ticket and massive sweets has
any interest in whatever oral faecal matter you are spitting from your fat bum
shaped mouth. JUSTSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP....
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| Shut the F*@K up Bitch |
STEP SIX: Remember
when locating your seat (assuming you are free to choose) don’t use the seat
nearest the aisle. other people will inevitably need to move past you. Also do
not use the empty seat next to you as a coat stand. Its not and locker for your
handbags, scarves, coats or any other paraphernalia.
STEP SEVEN: Do
not allow yourself to make any unpleasant smells, wither by eating foul
smelling monster munch (what the hell do they put in beef flavour monster
munch? That stuff is vile) nor should you allow your body to produce any odours.
By following step one you should be able to reduce the risk of “little
accidents” caused by cushion shuffling! Plus don’t turn up anywhere smelling
like of tramp.
By following these simple and easy instructions you and your
fellow film enthusiasts can ensure that you will spend the best two hours in a
dark room with a loads of strangers without having to touch each other.
Here is a handy mnemonic type thing to carry around in your
heads – or even say out loud when you spot somebody infringing these simple
seven rules of cinema - for easy referral next time you go to the talkies:
BASTARD!