The Bumferry Hogart Census Form 2012

Today (or whenever it is you are reading this) sees the very first ever Internet based Census for this here blog.

In order to accurately engage view you, my dear readers, I feel the need is there to find out exactly what makes you - you.

The following nine questions have been scientifically designed with some really complicated algorithms by some right clever bods. It took them nearly all day using that graph papaer and different colour pens and and protractor (I haven't sued one of them in YEARS!!)

Anyway, Here it is. pop your answers in the box at the bottom and remember there are NO WRONG ANSWERS* Good luck.

*there are some wrong answers which will result in minus points and a forfit.

Question one (gender):

What are you:

A: A man

B: A Womb-man?

C: Miscellaneous

Question two (age):

When you bend down to take your socks off do you:

A: Whip them off and leave them where they lie.

B: make a strange “hoof” type noise and require a couple of goes to get them both off.

C: Get the dog to do it

D: Don’t wear socks because you are some kind of vegan or something?

Question three (employment):

What is your work status:

A: I am a third rate keyboard monkey, working for the man.

B: Self employed (spending most of your time fiddling the books so you don’t have to pay tax)

C: a stay at home mum (probably doing drugs and drink watching Jeremy Kyle and/or spending most of your day taking part in radio phone ins)

D: One of those ungrateful lottery winners (you bastard

Question four (family):

How many people live in your home:

A: Just me, I’m so lonely and unwanted.

B: My house is full of snot nosed little brats who won’t stop asking “Why?” and eating crayons …

C: I live with my parents because I’m some osrt of bum.

D: I sleep under the stars. Wandering these dark streets righting wrongs and stopping evil wherever it festers.

Question five (pets)

Do you have any of the following:

A: Dog

B: Cat

C: Fish

D: Tamogotchi

E: Other.

F: None the local authority won’t allow me to keep any livestock since those pigs I kept in the kitchen ate Mrs Grimshaws corpse.

Question six:

If you were offered £10,000,000 for one of your limbs which one would you happily loose?

A: left arm

B: right arm

C: Left leg

D: Right leg

E: Take what you want, Them’s better terms than Wonga.com.

Question seven:

What are you wearing right now?

A: A corporate suit and tie, just like “the man”

B: A gimp mask and a whole pot of chunky marmalade.

C: Just my pants and top.

D: Nothing, Clothes are the emotional barriers set upon by the government to dictate what gender specific roles we must adhere to until the arrival of their alien overlords who will pick us off one by one and eat our brains or whatever.

Question eight:

To be or not to be….

A: to be

B: Not to be.

Question nine:

If you awoke suddenly and found yourself in a coffin with another human being which would you prefer?

A: The re-animated corpse of Jimmy Savile?

B: A sexually enraged Sean Connery?

C: Either one of Jedward screaming like a fucking banshee?

D: Little Jimmy Krankie doing a poo?

Once you have your answers please post them below with a valid explanation/ excuse explaining why you did "that thing that time".

Insert Witty Title Here

Good evening.

 *Please note there are no pictures today because my laptop is being a bit of dick. please use your imagination and insert you own random pictures where you see fit, thankyou)

(I am assuming it is the evening as you read this. It is very late in the evening as I write, so why should I think it would be otherwise)

There are three things i would like to write about today.

Firstly, i would like to apologise for not ruining your time online with some bilious tripe of musings for the past weeks or so. Real life seems to have got in the way somehow.

As mixture of houses, funerals and a very busy weekend working (including the boiler breaking no less than three times in a week – meaning the campers had no hot water) has caused me to neglect my duties here on the blog.

I think I’m through the worst of it now though because I think the house may sell soon, there aren’t that many people left in my family left alive so the inconvenience of funerals should now dissipate for a while, and the boiler man is due Tuesday morning so fingers crossed on that one.

Secondly, I have recently been awarded an award for my efforts by fellow blogger Addman @Muppets for Justice.

Part of the rules of receiving an award is to link back to that person/blog which I am more than happy to do because it is a blog I both read and admire due to the fact that its author Addman writes things I think about but manages to write and produce those thought far more eloquently and with more humour and wit than wot i can.

The other tradition is to pass on the award and tell you readers about some of the great blogs i read.

As it happens, most of the blogs i would give this award to already  have this and many other awards so i will direct you to a BRAND NEW PAGE on my blog where by I list all my favs.

Enjoy.

Thirdly...

I would like to thank you dear reader for doing what you do. Which is read this blog of mine.

For something that started off as a time wasting exercise while living in the caravan I had no idea that people would actually read this let alone comment or indeed come back for more.

I am by definition a lazy bugger who runs out of steam and enthusiasm for many of the things i write, but this bloody thing keeps me going.

So thank you and sorry.

Right, that’s enough self deprecation from me.

Normal service will be resumed shortly*

*assuming the boiler gets fixed, and nobody bloody dies in the next few days....