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Showing posts with label greece. Show all posts
Showing posts with label greece. Show all posts

Thursday, 1 December 2011

2011 A Review - In 998 Words


2011. What a year it has been!

Celebrity deaths, protests, looting, warm summers and mild winters. Possible proof that the speed of light is an absolute may have been debunked and the continuation of the global fiscal worries filled the blank spaces of the nation press.
Artists rendition of the end of times

Nuclear explosions, earthquakes, the seven billionth human takes a breath and promptly defecates on the only planet known to be able to sustain life as we know it and more piss poor desperate faces off the television appearing in various jungles, ballrooms, ice rinks or houses made entirely of cameras and mirrors beg for the right to be recognised while those who couldn’t get in were appearing on news channels fist banging tables declaring the press to be an abhorrent monster that invades their lives without permission.

Oh and the only way is Essex (whatever that is)

How little did we know back in February
We start with the sad news that Pete Postlethwaite passed away in January. This was followed in February with some pranksters changing a petrol sign with the initials LOL (which means Laugh Out Loud, so I’m told).

March gave us a glimpse at one possible link in a chain of events that could lead to the end of the world with a tsunami near Japan, causing a crack in the wall of the Fukushima Nuclear power plant.  Cue exaggerated reports of how a nuclear cloud will envelope the UK and kill all the sheep etc.

News headlines were full to bursting point as we saw the hottest April in over 100 years here in the UK. Cue news reports of massive fatalities of heat stroke and melting pensioners etc.

In May UK politicians were no doubt suffering from sun stroke when Theresa May spouted some bull poop about “an illegal immigrant not being sent home because (and I’m not making this up) a cat.” Oh yes, and some guy called Osama was shot dead after 10 years on the run for instigating the worst terrorist attack in living memory. Cue many column inches of unverified reports of retaliation by extremist groups that didn’t really happen.
Somebody voted for these idiots

June allowed the newspapers to ponder the serious repercussions of how the Greek deficit will affect the rest of Europe and the world. Exaggerations and inaccurate fiscal calculations did nothing to alleviate the economy downturn.

July bounced around the corner, like a happy go lucky puppy dog, unlike Amy Whinehouse who died. The coroner stated that there were no drugs found in her system at the time of death, which must have surprised almost everybody in the whole universe. The tabloid press nearly broke their own arms off and the opportunity to write what they wanted about a dead girl.

August gave us final proof that there are too many people in the world and most of them are ungrateful moronic idiot oxygen thieves (see London riots). Newspapers continued their crazy assault on declaring the madness will never end ad infinitum.

In September there were over 2.5 million unemployed people in the UK, although there were still 12 pages of jobs in my local paper – and I live out in the sticks!!! I didn’t buy a paper in September so can’t remember what the papers had to say about that, but it probably wasn’t words of encouragement asking the people to help each other and rally round to make the country better.

There is a fine line between being deep and being pedantic - I should know!
October refused to let Steve Jobs carry on anymore and allowed those who should know better to relax their decorum muscles and act like they knew the guy personally by crying and acting like the idiots they are. *I have nothing against Mr jobs, but do wonder at the mentality of folk from thousands of miles away who happen to own a product made by a company that is run by someone who has died and they feel it is acceptable to wander around in front of the nearest TV camera and blub like a lost school girl at the news of a strangers death. He invented I-pods not the cure for cancer (which would be ironic)

This was also the month that the 7 billionth person was born, which I am neither happy nor concerned about in any way shape or form. The papers were blah blah... (You get where I’m going with this by now surely?)

"AH-HAAAAAAAAA!"
November has only just gone out of fashion and here in the UK people have been looking for a reason to get angry. Last year it was the snow. Boy were people mad/confused at the seasonal changes/ desperate to have a day off work! Unfortunately for them there has not been the slightest hint of snow this year and so those who receive the most holidays and best pay packets decided that they would have a day off anyway by holding a one day strike. Those poor lambs who have their pensions paid by the public purse want more money for themselves and fail completely to understand that government cuts have to come from somewhere and while every man woman and child in the UK is facing a reduced income while seeing the price of essential items rise on an almost daily basis, believe it is their constitutional right to down tools and demand that their pension pots are safe and secure.

It was also the month of the Leveson enquiry, which is to continue for a number of weeks and for some reason the newspapers have been rather quiet about the whole affair of how and why the self regulated national press association has allowed itself to act in the manner of aggressive thoughtless, brutal and emotionless money grabbing greedy bastards with no respect or honour for the suffering or innocent. Strange that.

December hasn’t really got going but I am left with an ever lurking sense of dread and loathing for what mankind has to offer.

According to weirdoes and mentalists the world is supposed to end next year so none of this really matters anyway.

Carry on.
 *other things did happen in 2011. Feel free to comment on your own memorable memories in the box below. cheers.





Monday, 20 June 2011

998 - Greek debt V's My Nostrils

The country known to many of us as Greece is on the verge of declaring itself bankrupt.


Recently i have been having nose bleeds.


Are these two seemingly separate things in fact linked somehow?

I doubt it but lets say that they are in the vain hope that something amusing or enlightening comes of it.

The Greece debacle all started when China started to sell a load of cheaply made toys to American kids. They used the money they made from these plastic mouldings to buy a hell of a load of American bonds.

This caused an inflation bubble and increase the value of American worth – financially.


The extra cash floating around the American markets gave the bankers a chance to lend money to potential home owners they wouldn’t normally touch with a baseball bat, but due to the extra funds and increasing wealth of profits they felt they could take a gamble.

At the same time countries across the world invested money in the American housing markets and china sold ALL its bonds because it had made enough profit. That is the joy and purpose of capitalism in a nut shell. Of course with one side making a load of money – the other side has to loose money and this time is was America and its banks. There were so many countries that fell for the unbelievable profit making strategies of the USA they were mind-numbingly oblivious to the potential collapse that indeed happened in the not too distant past. Blah, blah, blah the bubble burst, homes were lost and banks went bust. So today we are now faced with a European country begging on its knees to file for bankruptcy.


But HOW can a country be declared bankrupt?



What would happen? Would a bunch of Euro bailiffs pop round one Tuesday morning and take away all the TV’s and children’s dollies?

Would we have to force the Greek countrymen to collect all the bits of copper and precious metals to be sold for scrap in order to repay some of its massive, massive £300 billion (€340billion) debt?

Does Greece have to get a Saturday job washing cars in the Tesco’s car park?
I don’t know the answer to these questions. But i do know that if Greece DOES go bankrupt, its debt is cleared and other countries of the Euro (€) have to clear its debt.

Not only that, but the UK has to pay up as well.
For those of you not in the know – the UK does not have the Euro as its currency. So it seems a bit odd to have a country that rarely wants anything to do with Europe having to dig deep into its own empty pockets to bail out a nation that has only produced such delights as ouzo and olive oil.


it's no secret that the UK or is it just the English are pretty much hated and sneered at by a good proportion of the world.

The French despise us because we don’t like their food.

The Germans cant stand us because we wont stop going on about the war (and single world cup)

The Spanish, Italians and most of the rest of Europe cant even stand to look at us because of our foul weather and xenophobic ways.

The Americans only keep in touch because we have castles and they love castles. If anyone told the Yanks that Germany has castles – we would be the loneliest peoples in the whole world.

Even Iceland hates us so much they send all of their volcanic ash our way on what is quickly becoming an annual event!

Its not even worth mentioning what the Scots and the Welsh think of us...

But what has any of this got to do with my nose bleeds?
Probably nothing.

It is the height of hay-fever season and I am popping pills like a junkie.

But even in this overdosed state i writing in now my nose itches.
If you have never had hay-fever, you would undoubtedly want to scoff and make jest at my predicament.

It would easy – TOO EASY – to say “oh, look at you being beaten up by flowers...” or calling it “ gay-fever” because it is a funny play on words.
But to have that feeling of another sneezing fit rising through your chest, the streaming of watery eyes, the wheezing and constant never ending sniffing and blowing of noses is almost too much to bear at times.


The joys of summer are a mystery to me. for the most part it is seen through my eyes as a blury haze of close up snotty tissues and red raw eyes.

The sounds of the birds and gentle rustling of the tress in the breeze is replaced with a nasel snort and whooping cough.

The rainobow of colours that explode in every garden in the land is instead an intimate examination of my knuckles as i try in vain to rub the gung and pollen out of my peepers.

The nights bring no rest bite either. As the warm air begins to settle i find myself tossing and turning, throwing the sheets of my clamy grey body. A sneezing fit that lasts for around 20 minutes is followed by 10 minutes of blowing... thats if i can actually breathe through my nose as most of the time the inside of my conk swells up to twice the size it should be meaning i have no option but continue to live by becoming a dumb as fuck snot dribbling mouth breather – the exact kind of person i hate.

Oh the irony!

Summer is horrible to me and Greece is rubbish with money.



In conclusion?

I have wasted ten minutes of you time.
For that i am sorry, but hopefully you have learnt something today – even if it is not to shake my hand in case i have just expelled a hand full of lung phlem into it.


Now carry on. – ACHOO!