998 - Stephen Hawking Got It Wrong

I have spoken about Stephen Hawkings before. And today is no different.

Stephen Hawkings is full of crap.

There. I’ve said it.

I don’t care that he is in a wheelchair. I don’t like the guy.

“Oh you are being racist… or what ever the word is for disabled people” you might say.

But you would be wrong. I just said not two sentences ago, that I don’t care that he is in a wheeled chair and I don’t.

What I don’t like about him is that everybody else sucks up to him BECAUSE he is in a wheel chair.

The man wrote a book years ago that became world best seller. But nobody read it. They bought it for two reasons. One because he is disabled and two so they could clever by having a copy on their coffee table.

I on the other hand have little time for the man. He is worse than Miley Cyrus. They are both idiots who believe in the hype made over them by their followers. It’s all gone to his head.

Somebody felt that they had to patronise him with his ideas – ideas that would have got anybody else thrown out of science club and told to never come back. But just because people think they should treat Stephen differently, it’s now all they can do to associate themselves with this man who is no more cleverer than the guy who invented the wind up radio or the bloke who invented the MUTE button on remote controls. Actual designs that make a huge difference in todays lifestyle.

But why am I ranting about a man I have never met, you wish you could ask and a get a word in edgeways…

Give me a minute and I shall explain – PROPERLY!!

I recently watched a NICE video (not like the other one from the last post) that promised to explain  all about Stephen Hawkings theories in an easy to understand patronising tone.

It did it’s job very well.

Unfortunately it’s all bull poop.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=D6lFGJdwRyo

Above is the video in question. Give it a watch and we shall carry on.

1^st the video asks the question WHAT IS AT THE CENTRE OF A BLACK HOLE? It starts by saying that “black holes are incredibly dense objects” and then contradicts itself by saying “EVERYTING IS CRUSHED TO A POINT OF INFINITE DENSITY, PUNCHING A HOLE THROUGH THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE”

Now this may seem plausible. That is until you actually put some thought into it.

Just because we call them black holes it does not mean they are actual holes.

They are, as has already been established, objects of incredible density. That is to say they are well heavy. Too heavy to pick up.

A black hole is created by a collapsing star. At the end of its life, the star shrinks in size but keeps its weight. This means that the mass of the star increases.

It becomes so small but still very heavy that its gravitational pull increases to such a degree that the wave lengths of light (which is energy but also has mass and is therefore effected by gravity) is unable to escape the pull of the gravitational pull of the collapsed star.

It is not, as the video suggests, a giant space plug. It just isn’t.

The video then goes on to say (with a straight face if you believe it) that a vacuum isn’t empty but is full of particle that pop in and out of existence from nowhere…..

Well, yes of course they do Stephen (nurse…. NURSE it’s time for his medication…)

It has been proven time and again by scientists and COMMON SENSE that things can not “pop into existence” nor can they disappear either for no reason.

EVERYTHING HAS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION.

For something to exist, something else must have created it. Conversely, if something ceases to exist it must still exist in the form of matter and/or energy and visa versa. This is one of the fundamental laws of physics.

I don’t make the rules…. And neither does Hawkings and his crew.

The video brushes over any explanation for this twaddle and continues by saying that Hawkings radiation forms when black holes separate two particles from the edge of its range of power and that the particles that may or may not have existed just moments before are actually of a negative mass.

This must mean that these little bits of “stuff” repel other things as mass is indicative of gravity. The more mass the stronger the gravitational pull.

These little buggers eat away at the hole within the black hole (somehow washed over in place for a pretty drawing) until there so little left that all logic flies out of the window and everything blows up.

This is of course impossible for two reasons.

Firstly, all that would be left, according to Hawkings is the hole at the centre of the black hole and some particles that have NEGATIVE MASS.

So that means we have a nothing (the hole) and something’s that are less than nothing (negative particles).

Lets make that into a math solution shall we?

0 + -0 = KABOOM!!!!

Nothing plus minus nothing is actually nothing unless there is an issue with my nine digit display scientific calculator, and I doubt very much that there is because it has a life time warranty and loads of science buttons make it do and error sign when I press them.

Also, when it explodes, just after it has disappeared, it will be with the force of EXACTLY 1,000,000 nuclear bombs…. That’s handy isn’t it.

Carrying on from this the video seems to think that Stephen Hawkings came up with the idea of the Big Bang as the start of existence.

But I choose to go one better and ask – “ What caused the big bang then? Smarty pants!”

Over to you Prof.

I eagerly await your response.

998: A Guide To Christmas Shopping

I am sorry to be bearer of bad news but …

"Oh Christ, He's doing one of THESE again..."

Christmas is coming.

Whether you like it or not all the signs are there.

All of the adverts on TV have at least one GCI multi coloured star zipping around the screen and tinsel and people having fun and smiling like idiots wearing paper hats and £20 off something that still costs far too much and you have no intention of buying EVER.

Merry Christmas - Bitches!

You probably know someone who insists on telling everyone that they have already put up all their decorations, as if it’s some sort of race and that makes them a better person than you even though it just makes them more likely to become a serial killer or cat eater.

Whatever - it’s on its way.

But try as you might at some point in the next few weeks you will be forced to sit and think about what to buy for people you don’t really like.

You may have even already asked them what they want to open as a gift 7 days before the end of the year and have been met with a reply of “Ooh, I don’t really need anything… but I don’t want gloves, perfume, candles, gift cards, CD’s, DVD’s etc” Which doesn’t really leave much to choose from.

With this shopping headache in mind and just before you decide to buy a wicker basket for that relative that knows what they don’t want but doesn’t know what they DO want, may I present to you all a guide to shopping this Christmas.

Remember that when dealing with shopping staff: You are a god to these people.

You may have only been to that shop three times in the past six months and spent about 25 quid but that doesn't mean you can't be as condescending as you please with statements like "I pay your wages".

That'll learn 'em.

And remember- nothing guarantees a cheery smile and great customer service than a good old jab your bony finger.

But shops may not be your thing. What with all the pushing a shoving and queuing and what not. You may wish to do your shopping online, or may just need to speak to the bank to check that you have just enough pennies in your ever increasing overdraft to sustain a last minute splurge on that bath set that Auntie Colin (don’t ask) defiantly said she didn’t want.

In that case here is some advice just for you:

When dealing with call centres it is always best to demand (not ask) to speak to the manager, or if your issue is very minor, the chief executive of the company.

Manager not available = Trying to get the phone number of the new agency girl

Management loves dealing with whiny little piss ants like you. They crave any excuse to not have to deal with their members of staff crying or trying to jump out of windows due to the barrage of abuse shitheads like you dish out for fun....

If all else fails, when dealing over the phone, remember that thinly veiled threats never go out of fashion. 

Once you are in full flow in your argument with a faceless voice you have just confirmed your own name home address, password and bank details too, dot let the sudden cold realisation that you have financially exposed yourself to an underpaid overworked person who is only trying to help and is crawling nearer and nearer to the edge of insanity after listening to endless calks just like yours.

No, don’t let that stop you from acting like a child.

After all YOU are the customer. YOU are very important.

And don’t forget to spend ALL your money on other people. The last thing you want to do is have some cash left for the January sales. Where you can treat yourself to a proper bargin. (Just like you forgot to do last year!)

Piss and Good Pills to all men.....BLEUGH!!!

As a last point of note:

When at the supermarket on the last weekend before the big break, make sure you act all surprised and confused and outraged at the fact that the shelves are not fully stocked with the ever popular products that you want to buy.

As we all know, all shops are simple made of money and have a limitless supply of every single type of food produce that never goes out of date at any time ever, and just because everyone else will have had the common sense to do their shopping in a reasonable amount of time therefore resulting in depleted stocks (just as the supermarkets have planned for) the fact that you have left everything to the very last minute should not reflect on you as a person in any way shape of form.

You are the customer. Your own idiocy should not mean that you should go without.

Its two days before Christmas. Minimum wage staff should feel lucky to be shouted and abused by you at any time of the year. Let alone during the festive period where the mantra of “good will to all men” is aimed at other people towards you. It is not something for you to follow.

Just because these people have unrestricted access to the food you buy and full bladders shouldn’t mean you show the slightest hint of respect to anyone at anytime.

Oh yes. And don’t forget to leave your trolley in the middle of the aisle while you disappear to pick up some posh cheese that nobody will eat (because they HATE YOU). Let everyone else shop around you.

In conclusion: Screw everyone else. Push in, grab, shove, moan, complain, shout, demand and never EVER tip.

Happy Birthday to meeee.... (and my son who I also am...??)

If we are lucky, this Myan end of the world nonsense might have a ring of truth about it and we’ll be blown up or just disappear like dust in the breeze by the 21^st and we won’t have to sit through another year of endless BBC repeats and piss poor Doctor Who “specials”.

Good luck to you all and god bless internet shopping!

998: Saving the world yet again

Brace yourself kids, because I have had another one of my insanely brilliant ideas.

This cold weather of February has reminded me winter brings with it stupid cold weather, snow and rain and of course the sad and lonely come out to make us all feel even more miserable.

If all goes to plan we have 10 months to get this amazing formula of mine put in place and up and running.

The best thing of all is – it’s easy!

Here’s the problem:

I'm not the problem - You are...

When it gets cold and/or towards the end the year, the vulnerable parts of or society tend to find themselves cut off meaning they feel even more lonely and afraid.

These two sections of our communities are often referred to as the Old and the Lonely.

I propose we offer an outlet for both of these types that allows the rest of us “normal folk” to carry on with buying our gizmos and gadgets without fear of guilt creeping into our subconsiousness and ruining what promises to be a cosy weekend in front of our massive TVs.

Old people, as we all know, love nothing more than talking. They can talk about anything and everything. Sometimes it doesn’t even make sense.

On the flip side of things there are the loners. The socially incompatible who, for whatever reason, can’t or won’t speak to others. They go unnoticed in our day to day lives until a few weeks after they die and someone calls the council about the smell.  It’s at this point the police smash the door down to find mountains of old newspapers and a load of feral cats feeding off the remains of some house bound hermit.

Let’s get these two groups together via the medium of telephones!

Listen to me if you want to live..

There are currently... oh I don’t know . . . 9 million charity hotlines of each and every aspect of speaking your mind or just getting things off your chest so that you can feel better about yourself or hear that piece of advice that you already know to be true.

Who better to hear it off than someone’s Gran?

Grans and Nanas know EVERYTHING! They have lived lives to the fullest and bake and do things with knitting needles and other dying arts that will soon be lost forever.

Moreover, these retired folks often complain that they too have nobody to talk to.

So I think we (and by we I mean somebody else) should install dedicated telephones in old people’s homes in an attempt to create a network of hotlines for those who need help but don’t want to be preached at by a self righteous do-gooding vegan crystal healer.

Think of the Shit I got upto as a teenager!

Think about it.

Who else but a Granny can tell you to pull your socks up and get on with life, while passing on their special recipe of treacle toffee and sponge cake all the while making you feel like YOU are the one doing THEM a favour by getting in touch?

A Granny would never be patronising or talk down to you. They listen.

That’s what grannies do best.

They have life experience. Lived and fought through wars, depressions, 3 day weeks, rationing and a myriad of problems and issues that were never a life defeating stop the clocks and punish yourself milestone around your neck that they are today, because people simply didn’t have time to sit around and over think things back then.

In the old days people didn’t have such problems as obesity (because people were just called fat in those days) nor did they have overflowing debt (because nobody had money anyway and there were not as many things to buy).

Grannies would just tell you get on with it and remind you times used to be a lot harder in their day. But it would be done in such a way that you knew it was right and you were being very selfish and or lazy.

Here comes the clever bit.

...Umm....

Because these grannies would be” working from home” although not being paid as such, they would be able to take advantage of a little known government policy that allows those who work from home to claim up to £3 per day for use of their own utilities.

This equates to around £1000 per year.

Starting to make sense now isn’t it?

This extra money could be put towards heating bills, food bills or those extra scratch cards they insist on buying.

These phone lines can be open 24 hours a day because old people rarely sleep. They’re always outside the post office well before opening times so there are no issues there that I can see.

The one and only problem might be when we have to close the phone lines at 3pm when countdown is on, or Eastenders, or Coronation Street, or Downton abbey, or antiques roadshow, or Bargin hunt...no that’s it I think. Just those shows... oh no Masterchef. They love Masterchef don’t they? Can’t disturb them when Masterchef is on. They’d be livid.

The conclusion of this would be three fold.

Firstly, people would have another avenue to communicate with someone on the end of a phone who will listen to them and be able to offer some real life advice. This would free up some much needed time and cost for the hard working charities that already exist.

Secondly, old folks will live a bit longer because they would have someone to talk to and pass on their experiences and knowledge as well as properly earning themselves a little extra cash that has already been side lined and therefore won’t cost the tax payer any extra money.

Thirdly, these phones lines will need to be monitored and the grannies trained in some respect so there are some jobs made up for the unemployed.

Not everyone will be suitable for the job though...

WALLOP!

I’ve saved the country yet again.

I think I probably deserve a big shiny medal or bronze statue or something.

As always people – you are all very welcome.

998 Words: The Return

Greetings folks and welcome to 2012’s first edition of my irrelevant and irregular running post based on the theme of 998 words.

I would love to these more often, but they are as hard to write as I imagine they are to read.

I am going to keep doing them though.

But before we go any further, here is a little disclaimer:

This following post contains five whole swear words of varying values.

If you don’t want to read swear words or you are offended by them, please be aware of the following words in this post: wankerish, bloody, prick, fuck and bloody.

Thank you.

Every year a website known as edge.org asks a bunch of egg heads and well known clever people to answer a single question of such wankerish magnitude its a wonder all the participants and the person who thought up the question in the first have not vanished up their own bottoms.

This list of people include a load of brainiacs, some professors of something or other and a few psychologists. Oh yes, and Brain Eno for some reason.

Mainly though, they all seem to fall under the category of prick.

However, if you want to feel utterly stupid and/or bare witness to what is possible the premier collection of self important smart arses then you can read all of their responses to the question of the year at the link bellow...

http://www.edge.org/responses/what-is-your-favorite-deep-elegant-or-beautiful-explanation

Prick!

the question this year was: 

What is your favourite deep, elegant, or beautiful explanation?

(I know, straight away you want to punch someone don’t you?)

The following is one of many bullshit entries from a around 200 smart arse losers.

Seirian Sumner

Research Fellow in Evolutionary Biology, Institute of Zoology, Zoological Society of London

I play this game with my kids. It's a 'guess-who' game: Think of an animal, person, object and then try to describe it to another person without giving away the real identity. The other person has to guess what/who you are. You have to get in character and tell a story: What do you do, how do you feel, what do you think and want?

Let's have a go. Read the character scenarios below and see if you can guess who/what they are.

"It's just not fair! Mum says I'm getting in the way, I'm a lay-about and she can't afford for me to stay with her any more. But I like being in a big family, and I don't want to leave. Mum says that if I am to stay home, we'd need some kind of 'glue' to keep us from drifting apart. Glue is costly and she says she hasn't the energy to make it since she's busy making babies. But then I had this brilliant idea: how aboutImake the glue using a bit of cell wall (mum won't mind), add some glycoproteins (they're a bit sticky, so I have to promise mum I'll wash my hands afterwards) and bingo! Job done: we've got ourselves a nice cosy extracellular matrix! I'm happy doing the bulk of the work, so long as mum keeps giving me more siblings. I suggested this to mum last night, and guess what? She said yes! But she also said I'm out the door if I don't keep up my side of the bargain: no free-riders…."

Who am I?

Me

"I am a uni-cell becoming multicellular...”

What sort of home life do her kids have? F*ck me!!!!

She does go on with another example which I can’t bring myself to copy on to here, it’s so ridiculous you would think I had made it up!

But then again on the flip side of things there is one exception to the rule and when asked the question . . . they gave this response, which I think is the best of the bunch...

My brain as seen by clever buggers!

Dave Winer

Founder of UserLand Software

What Time Is It? 

A few years ago, I heard said only old-fashioned folk wear watches. But I thought I would always wear a watch. Today I don't wear a watch.

How do I find the time? Either I do without or I keep my eyes fixed on a screen that has the time in the upper-right corner. It's gotten so that I resent that reality doesn't display the time in the upper-right corner. 

That was the most ‘normal’ answer from the bunch which doesn’t say much because it does not relate to the question posed in any way shape or form which really does make a mokery of everything in existence.. Although it is the only one I read and understood without having to reach for a dictionary and an asprin.

"Ooh.. What's his name again....."

If scientists and clever folks spent more time working out the important things in life and not answering stupid bloody questions like this, the world would be in a much better place.

As it is, its left to idiots like to come up with ALL OF THE ANSWERS to help mind kind.

Because it was ME and ME ALONE that gave the world the answers to ending all wars,solving world debt and travelling faster than light.

In respect of that last one, these white coated cretins are now trying to prove they thought of it themselves by firing neutrinos at Italy or something because they refuse to admit that I’m cleverererer than they are which is probably why I didn’t get the email asking for my answer.

They will never learn.... its not going to stop me though.

Here is my answer to the question:

My favourite deep, elegant and beautiful explanation was told to me by my mum who always said – “because I said so!” that sums up everything in life.

The above quotes and lots of other mind numbingly ridiculous answers to that fart of a question can be viewed at http://www.edge.org/responses/what-is-your-favorite-deep-elegant-or-beautiful-explanation if you have nothing better to do with the rest of your day, or hate your own eyeballs so much you want them to feel real pain.

I'm not sure what this one means...

998 Words: The John Barnes Rap

A beginner’s guide to premiership football.

It is wildly claimed that England invented the game of football or “the beautiful game” and turned it professional over one hundred years ago.

Today the game is played all over the world and is still going strong in the UK.

The rules of the Premiership league (the top flight league) is played by eleven millionaires per team. Each team is owned by a billionaire or group of business men and watched and paid for by thousands of people who struggle to make their government issue benefits last the week.

£25,000 per week gets you this...

The general line up of any squad must contain at least one goalie (the one who stands around with big gloves on swearing a lot and occasionally spitting) defenders (who scream at each other, spit a lot and kick the opposition) midfielders (who help the flow of the game by spitting a bit more than the defenders which makes the ground slippery and the ball stick to the phlegm on the grass and sometimes score a goal) with the last section of the team known as strikers (these are the main spitters, who also swear the most at the referee and kick the ball in the general direction of the oppositions goal)

Spitting can take many forms and the skills shown on the pitch are practiced by youngsters across the land.

From the simple throat rumble to the elegant nose dive, spitting is now as much a part of British culture as cucumber sandwiches, drug abuse and pre-teen pregnancies.

The main aim of football is to spit more than the other team whilst swearing and being paid vast amounts of money for being quite pretentious and delicate.

The beautiful game - in full 3D-HD

The best example of this is when contact is made by the foot, elbow or eyelash of a member of the opposing team.

When this happens the “abused” player must count to three (if possible) before jumping high into the air, holding any part of their body that has not been touched and then roll around the floor collecting as much discarded snot as they can.

While this is happening the manager or coach of that team is allowed to jump up and down, pushing and shoving the “fourth ref” who stands between the managers looking annoyed.

The manager of the player who has caused the “tackle” must not EVER see the actual incident especially if they are interviewed after the game by reporters.

Once the referee has dispersed the two teams from pushing and staring at each other with their head almost touching but not long enough for their Alice bands to become entangled (but without any real threat of violence to the level of hair pulling and scratching of eyes) the game continues.

"Tuck and Roll Wayne... TUCK AND ROLL!"

To the untrained eye, most of the 90 minutes spent on the field may seem to consist of the ball being passed from one player to another with the opposition occasionally getting hold of the ball and continuing the drama.

This is not quite the case.

The parade of co-operation is in fact a carefully orchestrated metaphor for the modern world, whereby we see very rich, overpaid, over sexed and under educated men pass the ball (or responsibility for their actions) from one to another in the vain attempt that they will not be caught out and found guilty of exposing themselves in a hotel room full of teenage girls with camera phones and a twitter account.

In extreme examples a player may find himself lacking the requisite concentration to deliver a ball to somebody wearing the same colour shirt as him and place the ball into the net their team are supposed to keep empty.

Lung Jam "natures hair gel"

This has become known as “an own goal”.

When an own goal is scored every single member of the loosing team immediately points and shouts at each other, blaming everyone but themselves thus allowing art to imitate life by showing a complete lack of responsibility or blame, regardless of the fact that 30,000+ people who paid to see him fail saw exactly what he did and collectively groaned with disappear the moment it became clear what was about to happen.

This moment of idiocy allows the rest of the viewing world a chance to bemoan about the fact that this player is paid millions of pounds per year to perform a simple task and is unable to complete basic hand eye co-ordination. Pity and sympathy is spread throughout the stands as collectively each and every man woman and child attempts to understand the mounting pressure that must be felt for someone whose job description is “running around for a bit twice a week”

"!!!!"

The fans of each team also have a very important role to play in the theatre of football and do their part by fighting, swearing at their own team and spitting a lot.

The game ends when Manchester United have scored one more goal that the other team, or enough bribes have been taken and all the prawn sandwiches have been eaten in the posh seats.

Most other games end in a draw or the team I follow looses by a long margin.

Every four years the players from each country with the most potential to disappoint are selected to travel somewhere nice and play badly in front of the entire world. And spit a lot.

They also release a pop record. The only one of any note can be seen below.

When not practicing to make themselves better at what they do, players can often be found selling their worthless souls advertising shaving cream, underwear and aftershave.

Beyond this they will be located spuds deep in a skinny tarts hotel room which is usually reported in a tabloid rag of a newspaper.

And that my friends, is football in a nutshell.

Go team!

Next week CRICKET: Standing around in a field with your hands in your pockets for five days until it rains and the game ends in a draw.