A Game Called Idiot

It has been noted, in some sections of the internet, that I have been a tad quiet this week. There is a very good reason for that.

The weather.

Or, to be more precise, the lack of electricity caused by falling trees during the big storms.

Those in the south of England are mainly under water. This should come as no surprise as everybody knows that water flows down hill and the south is further down than the north. This means that given enough time and enough wetness, the south will always be wetter than the north.

The north is traditionally known for being damp, but when there is so much rain falling from the sky and so much water being pushed in from the sea with all this wind, the end result is flooding.... LOTS AND LOTS OF FLOODING.

The wind had caused a power cut in my area around 5pm on Wednesday. Everything went dark and cold very quickly.

I had been on the web earlier in the week and taken part in one of the many "Would you survive a Zombie apocalypse?" quizzes. Turns out i would last around 355 days, which isn't bad but I know that with those instincts at my beck and call I could see out an evening without the TV on.

Candles were found and that old deck of dog eared playing cards were located from somewhere in the "holiday drawer" and that was that.

Myself and Mrs H played a game known in the old city of Oslo as "idiot" which more polite than the name we Brits seem to use for it*.

Thursday morning came and I awoke to the strange sensation of my own body willing itself to warmer climbs. Unfortunately, this was not to be the case. A stand up wash in the sink with a pan of water half boiled on the hob was the best I could hope for and the rest of the day was spent wishing for something...anything to happen.

It didn't.

The power was off for so long that we had to abandon using the little boys room (living in the middle of nowhere means we are not connected to the mains water and everything gets pumped around. Without power there's no pump and with no pump there is the inevitable BACKLOG and BUILD UP and well.... you get the idea!) and that's when the fun stopped.

It rained a bit and then the sun came out but it stayed cold. I don't really want to talk about how cold I was because it still hurts. Although while I was out chopping a tree down it began snowing and I really started to hate life.... and trees.

45 hours after everything fell to shit, the power came back on and everything was plugged in quick sharp just in case the power went off again. In fact I am typing this really quick as I have no doubt the wind will pick up again and the lights will go off again.

So there we go, that's what happened to me. 

It's amazing how much we rely on electricity and take for granted. Everyone in my house laughed when I bought a back up battery for my gadgets, but they formed an orderly queue when their phones were on the blink so the jokes on them.

But this has got me thinking about the next time something like this happens. Therefore I am going to start a proper well cool survival kit and then make the others fight THUNDERDOME style to see who gets to have a bite of my high energy nut bars or use the water filter to make a cup of tea.

Now, where's my Tina Tuner outfit?????

*we call it shit head.

2013? You Can Keep It!

So this is 2013 is it?

It’s a bit drier I’ll give you that. Otherwise it’s been a bit of a headache.

The 1^st presented me with a load of shitty toilets to clean after just 4 hours sleep and a kitchen full of left over pork pies sausage rolls and cocktail sausages to eat (still at it now!).

Things got worse when Mrs H DEMANDED that we go shopping in the sales and bought a sofa a bed and a holiday.

Okay, I don’t mind the holiday – I’ve not had a proper break for over three years so I will let her off on that one.

2013 has also given me a chance to upgrade my contraptions and gizmo’s. With Mrs H doing her bit for the UK economy I thought I would spend my hard earned savings on a new TV. Jebus H Biscuits! That’s been a chore.

LED,LCD, PLASMA 3D HDMI WTF LOL ETC are all meaningless letters that have no business being there in that order. Why can’t TV’s just be that. And television. I don’t want Tim Wonnacott jumping out at me while I eat my cornflakes watching bargain hunt, nor Do I really care if I can see the pixels when I push my face against the screen because I don’t want to push my face against the screen.

Not even for Tim Wonnacott.

He's posher than a polished posh poodle.

Here’s hoping that shitty toilets and cocktail sausages are few and far between (I’m sure there’s a joke in there somewhere, but I’m too knackered)

Here are some pictures of our New years party, which was held in our newly built barn– which was fun and well worth the lack of sleep and sausage rolls – but not the state of the ladies loos.

The final horse race was a VERY close call indeed!

Mr Banker (my dad) and Peter winner of 2p on our version of Deal or No Deal

Various people in various states of alcoholic inebriation

Good luck to you for the next 12 months. I have a feeling we are going to need it.

EDIT: here is a video from last year in the summer of the horse racing. It really such fun!!

read but don't weep

Manchester council held a meeting last week in order to find the best way to save money due to the cut backs facing u all in this “age of austerity”.

Some of the thinks they discussed involved:

• Triple yellow lines EVERYWHERE
• Tax the homeless
• Sell all the lead in the town hall
• And many others

In their infinite wisdom though, the council have decided that the best way to save money due to the cut backs is to close all but one of the 19 public toilets in the town centre.

Many people have expressed their opinion that this is a bad idea. But I for one think this is a good thing.

Next time I pop into to the hovel that is England’s second city, I will be able to see the wonderful and articulate poetry that adorns the crappers of my home town as I am chased by the many multi-cultural gangs, instead of waiting until you are "pringled" (‘cos once you pop – you just can’t stop)

Here is an example of the kind of things you may see on your own travels:

Na you find any better statements of fact on your travels?

If so, send them to me or post them to my facebook.

The best will win a prize.

In other news, not one of you bothered to enter he competition the other week.

No sinkingship badges will be handed out this week.